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Post by sonshine on Jan 30, 2014 4:07:44 GMT
First I wanted to say Thank You to Steve for letting me know the board was back up and running. Thank you!
For those that remember me I am doing much better than I was a year ago. Still have a lot of contact with my husband even though we have lived separately since September 2012 . We see each other every weekend. Whenever I really begin to get close to thinking of filling for divorce or putting more distance between us I get sick. I even ended up in the hospital for 4 days in September and was off work a lot that month. That is when I became able to file my divorce in the town I live in and what I had been waiting on.. but I never filed.
I am better like I said but still most days I am pushing myself to get through the day and fight off this extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I feel like I am living a half life and I don't know how to change it. I am stronger than I was. He nearly destroyed me. I think I must be a weak person to not have been able to withstand things better. Staying with him ( I still feel like we are together even though we don't actually live together) creates anxiety. He hasn't really done anything to complain about lately. In fact he has been great for the most part. They was one incident s couple weeks before Christmas with our son that he didn't handle exactly well but also by the end of that situation he got better with resolving it.
But I feel like no matter if he has made a permanent change it is a risk I cannot take. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if things went bad again like before my psyche would not be able to handle it. But my dilemma is that when I get close to ending the relationship my panic gets much worse to the point I am incapacitated physically and I can't do it. So I am stuck.
I have tried counseling. When I first moved out and that was a disaster. I ended up feeling worse due to the counseling. Then again after this last September I tried another counselor. That didn't work either because I spent 45 minutes listening to her talk about her life and 10 talking about me and never what I needed to talk about.
Thank you for reading.
Sonshine
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Post by jan on Jan 30, 2014 15:43:08 GMT
Hey Sonshine,
Glad to have you back here! Picking the right counselor can be tricky. I just lucked out and my first pick worked 400% for me and my situation. They did ask me if I wanted a man or woman and it was clear to me I needed a female therapist due to my panic attacks and flashbacks from the DV experience.
Like every profession you will find a few black sheep there too and also -- due to the nature of the work-- some who might be great counselors but are just not a good fit for you.
At a school I worked at the counselors always told the kids first thing that they are free to choose to go to the other counselor, if they dont feel comfortable with the first pick.
You are strong. It takes a strong person to give someone chances to improve. You are strong for having protected your son and moved out into your own place.
Depending on your religious beliefs a divorce might seem "bigger" than it is for other people with less faith for example. Or even if you are not religious a divorce could be such a huge symbolic thing that this keeps you from filing it.
I am more of a liberal person -- but understand other views very well. For me a marriage or a divorce is down to earth a legal contract that gives you certain rights together-- but it is in my eyes only that. You pay to sign it when you start, you also pay to sign another one when you want it to be cancelled. Like a phone contract.
Ok I understand for many people sadly there is a lot if financial stuff involved and if children and custody battles come up that - that really makes it a difficult cancelling process. But maybe it helps to take your power back from this piece of paper. Love does not disappear when a contract ends -- but love also does not stay or get better because of a piece of paper.
Again, that is just how I see the world. And for especially religious people the fact that God is involved makes it harder.
For that we have an extra forum here if your faith also makes it difficult for you to leave the marriage status.
As for him blowing up again- if he does choose to act bad again you WILL be strong enough to overcome that too. You are not weak and your psyche can handle whatever is being thrown your way.
The question is-- what keeps you with him? What makes you want to drive to his house every weekend if you fear for your safety and for your child's wellbeing still?
(I understand why you stay.. since Ive been there but I also asked myself these questions when i stayed with my Ex -- knowing he wasnt good or healthy)But for yourself- what advantages do you get out of having this man in your life, other than hoping nothing blows up anytime soon?
Your experiences with the hospital and all other physical symptoms might be your body warning you from the danger you put yourself in still.
I am glad to hear though that things got much better since you moved out. Thats a great first step to reclaim your own life and gain some rest and distance.
Embrace your strength for doing that and dont give up finding a good counselor!
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Post by sonshine on Feb 1, 2014 18:27:39 GMT
Thank you Jan. I think I need help figuring out why I can't let go. I have asked myself that question a thousand times over and cannot identify a good answer. I am not an overly religious person although I do have my belief system. As far as that goes though I feel like any religious reasons he broke with from all the things he has done.
I do not understand why I can't let go though. I think there must be alot of reasons and I am not able to overcome or find solutions to them all even when I can say that the reasons are not good ones. Ones that are typical in any divorce situation such as finances and being afraid I can't make it on my own. Then the other reasons such as being afraid of sending my boys to their dad when I'm not there to protect them. That is a biggie. At least when he is coming here every weekend I know and am able to step between them if I need to. I also am still a bit afraid of what he might do if I end things totally, like go berserk on us. And, also I think he managed to plant so deeply in my mind thoughts of horrible things for me even thinking of not being with him. All the times I begged and pleaded for him to believe me, promising I'd never leave and would love him forever, and being told how awful and disgusting and what worthless divorced women are and how he would not like without his family.
I'm sure there are many more reasons but those seem too be the ones foremost in my mind.
Thank you
Sonshine
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Post by sonshine on Feb 1, 2014 18:29:40 GMT
Correction....How he would not live without his family
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Post by Nuttymum32 on Feb 1, 2014 23:34:35 GMT
Hi, I understand your last post perfectly, I felt the same about my ex-husband. I left in 2010 and for 3 years I spent every Saturday and Wed evening with him because I don't trust him with my daughters. We were not a couple, but he still controlled me via my daughters (now 5 and 10) He behaved well during most of this time, but I knew I was never going back to him. Just keeping him sweet and making sure my girls were ok.This situation ended last summer when he started ranting because I was seeing someone, his rant ended with him saying he would never spend any time with me and girls again, so I have held him to this. It was getting way too stressful anyway for me seeing him for hours twice a week. It s all a game with him to see how much control he still has. I want to protect my daughters but it was making me ill, I'm no good as a mum if I'm in a state of anxiety all the time. You can make it on your own, you are strong and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Its hard to cut ties, probably because he is finally being 'nice' to you. I still find it difficult to say no to him, so when he collects the girls I have my mum, dad or a friend here. Ex is the type who will behave in front of other people even though he hates my family and friends. If he sends me texts asking personal things about me, I don't reply. But if it s about the girls he has a reply within the hour. If he phones the house I say hi and hand the phone to my daughters. Stay strong and work your way through it, x
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Post by jeannie812 on Feb 2, 2014 6:17:10 GMT
They take advantage of your ties to them because you have children together. They know it's ok for them to see other people but it's never ok for you. I've been divorced for almost 20 years and my ex-husband still demands to know Who is That guy your talking to? I shoot him a look and turn my head away.
He always saw me as property. He can think what he wants but, he can never pin me down. Not anymore. Not in 20 years.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Feb 2, 2014 21:05:44 GMT
Hey Sonshine, I actually by accident posted as "Jan" earlier when I didnt realize my entire username had been put into the box  Have you ever involved a DV shelter or hotline to talk to someone professional about your situation? They might be able to offer you a few options like legal advice, should you go through with no contact or a divorce. There are resources out there to go through with it and to feel supported and well informed. Reach out and see what is there in your city and state. You might be surprised by how much help is there and how you feel comfortable choosing an option they have. We will never truly know what these men do when we leave. THAT is also why we stay. Their control made us feel like we walk on eggshells, never able to live our life to the fullest because we dont know when the next blow comes (or doesnt) You cannot control what he does. You can only control how you choose, how you react and....if you want this man out of your life there are ways. He may or may not involve the kids. That is a valid concern you have there. You can get legal help for that too. Dont give up hoping. It may seem hopeless but....when the tunnel is the darkest and seems too long, it usually means the end and the light are near. |
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