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Post by xmas13 on Apr 10, 2015 18:11:49 GMT
He has agreed to see or start an abuser programme, as long as he can speak to my therapist to find out what we have been discussing. He has agreed to put both names on the house to give my son and me security. He has also agreed to tell his daughters the truth although he doesn't think this is the right thing to do. What he is asked of me is : I don't move my business premises, I don't drink anything other than ballies when I am not with him, I don't go out to the city at night, I have to be honest with him and tell him everything that is going on, in my own life and my business as both would have an impact on the relationship. I have consulted my accountant and a further source whom both agree that I should remain business wise where I am and put extra effort into my website and advertising, which is fine but why am I question my abuser on this why do I feel so angry towards him ? He says his input is genuinely down to the fact that I would be stressed out more, no time for my son or our relationship ! Again I am 50 years old, having just had a really bad illness, I am shattered and my memory has progressively been getting worse of which he comments on all the time, sad to say I agree, so in some ways giving in and staying with him maybe not so bad. He can offer security re house he has asked my son and I to go to Florida in July for two weeks he will pay for everything if I pay for our flights, for me and my son. This would be once in a lifetime holiday for my son and I and hard to not agree.
The true thing is I am so so down, very weepy and not excited about the future not even excited about Florida, if it actually ever happens.
My daughter is blaming him for the urine kidney infection due to everytime we split and get back I get an infection, I don't get any infections when we are going steady, which does hang heavy on my heart as I don't know if I believe that over the 2 month period he never slept with anyone else !!!!
He is now in Portugal on a golf trip, he left yesterday. Silly situation but my washing machine broke down so last minute I asked him to leave his key to allow me to use his until I got mine fixed. He agreed then left without leaving the key, I had only asked him 10 min before !! I think the truth is he didn't want me in the house without him being there, thus having something to hide !!!! we lived together for 2 years, we live in that house from time to time so what is he playing at 
Sorry if this post has went on and on just feeling so low and don't know which way to turn ?
love and hugs to you all xxx |
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Post by carrie on Apr 10, 2015 18:26:56 GMT
Read over what you have just written above, but read it as a third person. Then see if you see the same things I have.
What I have just read is him agreeing to things one HIS terms, on HIS conditions, keeping his control on the situation and therefore continuing to keep control of you just like he always has and always will do as long as you are around. Nothing has changed whatsoever.
Why on earth are you hoping for a future with this guy?
I will tell you which way to turn - the opposite way to which you are going right now, keep walking, don't look back and don't ever even think about turning around again.
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 10, 2015 19:27:48 GMT
You don't have to go back to him- you can keep on walking that path you wanted, that lead you away from him.
It is never too late.
It is ok to feel confused and wanting to go back-I am not really hearing any excitement or happiness about the prospect of having him be back in your life, am I right?
Also, to ask about what you talked to you therapist about is plain abuse. A therapist patient relationship is by law confidential and nobody but your therapist needs to know what you bring to therapy.
You have my compassion.
This is difficult right now.
Why do you need him in your life?
Maybe it is now time to gently explore what you THINK he gives you, that you cannot give yourself.
It is totally ok to feel the way you are right now. Give yourself a hug- right now is a great time to practice self-compassion and support yourself.
It will be ok.
You will be ok.
It is ok to want to go back- just try and step aside for a second and assess how he is acting.
He will not change- and words are just that, words.
You alone have the right to say what you and when you want it.
You have the right to change your mind anytime you want, without explaining yourself to anyone, including me by the way.
This is your life and you are in charge - and you are one mighty, powerful woman who gave birth and survived so much already.
Tap into that ancient wisdom inside of you- your gut has the answers.
We are here no matter what you do and we understand.
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steve
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Post by steve on Apr 10, 2015 21:04:48 GMT
OK, this one really ticked me off! He is in NO position to be making demands of you! He's still trying to control everything, and obviously does not get that he's kicked out because HE DID SOMETHING WRONG!
So my response would be this: 1) no, he can't talk to your therapist - what you talk to your therapist about is private and none of his damned business! (Why do you think he wants to know anyway? It can't be for a good reason.)
2) You will drink what you like and go to the city if you feel like it and you have no obligation to tell him ANYTHING about what you are doing, except in relation to mutual parenting issues.
3) Forget Florida - he is bribing you!
4) You will NOT have him move back in until he has COMPLETED at least half and preferably all of the batterer program AND he has demonstrated the ability to apply what he learns. This starts by him realizing he has no right to control your behavior while he is doing his program, or really at all, except by your own agreement.
5) Just because he does the program does NOT mean you are getting back together. He's done a lot of bad things and damaged the relationship, and you don't know that it can be healed. That will be between you and your counselor, and NO, again, he does NOT get to hear what you two talk about, not now or ever.
Everything in his proposed "agreement" is abusive. He is trying to control every breath you take.
I agree with Carrie: consider for a moment if another member of this community posted these "conditions." What would you tell her? You KNOW this is not OK and that is exactly why you are angry at him. Get in touch with that anger and don't try to push it away! He is hurting and manipulating you, even has he claims he's "trying" to make things better. He doesn't have a clue and probably won't ever get one.
Don't let him back in on the basis of this slimy, demanding, manipulative "agreement." He has no right to set conditions. YOU should set the conditions, and the first one is that he doesn't get to come back until he proves he gets what he did wrong and has a plan to change it, and even that is still only a longshot.
His behavior is disgusting to me. Horrible. Don't let him get away with it. You are allowed to say NO. So say it! It feels GOOD!
---- Steve
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Post by xmas13 on Apr 10, 2015 22:22:30 GMT
Thank you guys. It is amazing how you guys see in between the lines of what I am saying. Carrie you are right I am not excited, just waiting for the cycle of abuse to get to the abusive part. I loved the very bones of this man 6 years ago. I have agreed too, walked away, lost 2 lifetime friends, my daughter and a shop, why can't I be strong enough to tell him, block him and move on. Steve thank you. The reason he is asking to speak to my therapist is because I said due to Bancroft saying that I need to speak to his abuser counselor prior to and during his programme that is what his book recommends ? Anyways I know in my heart my gut you guys are right, God I am right. So what keeps taking me back and why am I so so angry. I have just had him call me drunk !! Priceless xxx thank you for your support of a Friday easter holiday night I really do appreciate it. Xxx
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Post by xmas13 on Apr 13, 2015 22:30:03 GMT
Feeling very very down today and still exhausted. Today was my first full day back at work and I had a busy day. I felt out of touch today almost in a slightly out body experience, yes I know some of you will be asking is she of sane mind !!!! To be honest I am so so stressed out I just can't seem to function. It was my grandaughters 3rd birthday today and they are all away tom am to Tenerife for a week. My sons father is away with his girlfriend, her daughter ( not our son ) to Spain for a week and my abuser is in Portugal !!!! My daughter has been rude to me making cutting remarks about everything, but today she tex me and asked if she could get petrol on my business company account !! This is the second time in just over a week, I agreed, this is the same daughter who didn't want to pay for a piza tonight for her brother !!!! I am a single parent who struggles financially, I have pulled my business through this recession only making ends meet !! But I can't afford to take my son and I on holiday just at this time. I am furious that I have lost that spark within me, I just seem to be so angry all the time. I feel so left out, abandonb in a lot of ways, just so alone. My abuser had been texing and calling but I just can't be bothered anymore, just so down its like everyone wants my blood but don't want to give me anything in return not even respect !!! Nite nite to all xx
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steve
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Post by steve on Apr 13, 2015 22:59:57 GMT
Angry is not a bad place to be right now. It's better than being scared. Anger is an ACTION emotion - it means you're ready to FIGHT. And fighting is definitely better than knuckling under to abuse.
What I learned (after some quality therapy) is that my anger is a warning sign that I am not setting good boundaries. And the solution is to say NO. First off, your daughter clearly feels entitled to take money from your business - not appropriate. If she runs out of gas, she'll need to prioritize more gas for herself. As for the abuser, ignoring his texts is absolutely justified and in fact very healthy. He does not respect you, so why bother wasting energy on him? Honestly, my best advice there is to go ahead and change your phone number and e-mail address so he won't be able to contact you at all. It kind of sends a message without saying anything. Maybe you're not quite there yet, but you sound like you are very close.
Being fed up with being taken advantage of is very appropriate. Perhaps one reason I relate to DV victims so well is because I have a history of being "too nice" and not setting boundaries, and therefore getting taken advantage of by abusive people. The first antidote to abuse is BOUNDARIES. And the key to boundaries is feeling OK about saying NO!
Time for some NO practice! It's OK to not help out every time. And it's OK to protect yourself from blood suckers who want everything but give nothing in return. In fact, if you don't say NO, they will suck all the life out of you.
Go with that anger and see where it takes you. It's not the end of the process, but it's a step in the right direction!
---- Steve
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Post by been there on Apr 25, 2015 12:03:52 GMT
Steve is so right - anger right now is good! It means that you are beginning to respect yourself. It means that you recognize that what they're doing to you is wrong. It means that your soul is ready for a change in the right direction. It means that if you trust your instincts and go for it, you will find a reserve of strength that you didn't know you had. It also mean that you will be in for a very uncomfortable time emotionally because what you have to do is fight the status quo, and they do not want to change. You will have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone - and it is scary as all hell. Hand shaking, knee quaking petrifyingly scary - in the beginning. But once you say "no" the first couple of times it gets easier. And when you say "no" you don't need to explain why. I used to tell my ex, "...because what you want me to do is not good for me." And if he persists, "no, goodbye." And end the conversation. Change is scary, but it is necessary to grow and evolve and learn. Without growth, we rot.
Right now the most important person that you need to think about is YOU! If you don't take care of yourself then you won't be able to take care of your kids or your life. You are beginning to see that as long as you allow others to keep cutting chunks out of you, you'll never be whole. Your gut is telling you that it's time to protect yourself and as Steve says, figure out what boundaries are comfortable for you and start to set them. If it doesn't feel right, don't allow it. If they want to call you selfish, so be it. That's another way of shaming you to keep you under their thumbs. The only person's opinion of you that counts is yours - and you're beginning to see that. Bravo!! Stick with your instincts and the strength will be there for you. Baby steps...I'm rooting for you!
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Post by xmas13 on Apr 27, 2015 22:52:09 GMT
Thank you bee there for your advice, time and support. It's been a crazy crazy week. I am completely exhausted. I had my colonoscopy of which they removed 2 polyps, so I am waiting on the results through my doctors. It has been so draining first the kidney infection now this. He was supportive where he took me to the hospital, tame back for me took me home and then he went to golf !!! I slept for hours to be woken by him going on about why I hadn't answered his calls !! I was sleeping and had turned my phone down ! Fast forward that was almost a week ago. He has been drunk 4 times in this week, has lied on se er occasions, called me a cow yesterday put me down it goes on and on. I am still angry and beginning to see through his games. I am asking myself why am I allowing this, and what am I achieving, getting from this so called relashonship ! Nothing but PAIN PURE PAIN. I need, need TO LET GO ! God grant me the strength xxxx thank you all again x
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 28, 2015 1:57:35 GMT
Hey Xmas..you have the strength...and I am so glad you are starting to see through everything. It isn't going to change...take that back..yes it will..it will get worse.
Hugs to you my friend...I know this is hard, you need to heal..both physically and mentally. All the health issues you are having are affected by the stress this man is putting on your life. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!! Just DO IT..Xmas..take that leap of faith and GET OUT! It is time...there isn't anything good about him..he keeps proving this to you.
I believe God is giving you the strength..he is also giving you lots of reasons to leave...he keeps showing you what you should do and please don't ignore them. I believe we are given the opportunities we need to have a better life...we just have to listen and take them..it is there..just take that leap and GO.
Thoughts are with you Xmas..always thinking of you and wishing you the best!
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Post by xmas13 on Apr 28, 2015 19:20:48 GMT
Gi Karen thank you, you really are a great support, which is amazing given that you are still on the rd to recovery yourself. I have just come back from a power walk with him. It is so hard work, he talks and talks and talks then eventually he says what is wrong with you ? I said do you mean the fact that you lied to me last night by say you told your daughter that I was taking the 3 girls 6, his daughter from a previous abusive relashinship, his gradauggter 6 and my granddaughter 3 all to a beauty shop to have their nails done then to lunch this sat. I spoke to his granddaughter this morning and she knew nothing about Sat, or the fact that you called me a cow several times on Sunday whilst drunk and as usual stormed out, or the fact that you were shouting accusing me of locking you out MY BLOODY HOME, calling me all sorts or you got your friends girlfriend who according to you fancies you off whilst pissed on Sunday at your house when you were meant to come straight to mine, drunk once again but you had to to brush your teeth !!! Why would anything possibly be wrong with me !!!! He turned the whole thing around by saying I have been a bitch all week to him. I said I have been in hospital, I'll, shattered and busy at work. To top it all I have taken the afternoon off my business tomorrow to go shopping with him to watch him spend thousands of pounds on clothes for himself , whilst my mortgage payment was returned unpaid from the bank today !!! But he LOVES ME !!! Going back to the childcare, my daughter said today can abuser not help ? You do way too much mum for his family and him !! I said no as he also has work !! He hasn't offered and I am not asking him !!!! There you go that is what a family, relashinship does, support each other and each other's family, mainly step son !!! BIGGEST JOKE EVER . I could seriously burst with anger. I said to my daughter come hell or high water I am taking them on sat to get their nails done I can't and won't let them down !!! Sorry for the very long post I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and hopefully for u guys to wake me up, say something that ducks that switch on because I don't know what I am going to do !!!!! Thank you for reading my post xxx
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 29, 2015 0:25:44 GMT
In psychology there is a term for this - it is called 'Fantasy relationship'.
A fantasy bond exists when the form of a relationship becomes more important than the substance.
The attempt to find security in an illusion of merging with another leads to a progressive loss of identity.- in your case YOUR identity and integrity.
As long as you continue to engage in any kind of relationship with him, he WILL abuse you.
You can wonder for another 10 years why he does what he does, when really all along the only person you CAN control...is you. You can choose to spend your entire life living like this.
You can also choose to not live like this.
Where do you want to go from here?
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Post by twp25 on Apr 29, 2015 7:01:53 GMT
Hi Xmas, all I am hearing from him is a constant trail of lies and me, me, me. My worry is that he is just sucking you dry and is not going to stop until you are completely destroyed. I recognise the feeling from my ex; I remember thinking that he isn't going to believe me until I collapse and end up in hospital and/or lose my job. Then I realised, that he would have been quite happy had that happened, and he would have used it to lord over me and tell me how useless I was.
Please walk away. You are worth so much more than this, and you deserve to be happy, cared for, and living your life for you. You have so much that you achieved despite his efforts; someone who loves you will take care of you when you are ill, not complain that you have been a 'bitch' to them (as if). I could never ask my ex for any help either; he either looked at me as if I had asked him to wipe my bottom, or did it and then used it to bully me and tell everyone how good he was.
Sending love and hugs. Tanya xx
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Post by jeannie812 on May 23, 2018 23:19:29 GMT
It is none of his business what you and your therapist talk about
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