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Post by Grace on Jan 22, 2014 20:37:37 GMT
I have been out of my abusive relationship for a year now and have a 3 year old son by the man, who i am currently fighting in court since he applied for contact and so far seems to be getting his way, instead of getting better and letting go i have found the court case a massive tole on me and my family involved, as they new of none of my suffering, which makes it harder for them. We are now at a stage where they are finding me quite difficult to cope with the strain of me calling them all the time worrying and panicking about what might happen next and no one can seem to give me the comfort i need. People say its all down to time and strong will, things i don't seem to have and cant find. I love my son so much it hurts and i imagined after the months it took me to find the courage to break free safely, we would stay free and lead a much happier life, but we got caught in this spider web of a court case, and im slowly loosing hope of what i had in sight and i don't want to fall at the last hurdle.  the woman at the supervised contact center seem very fatherly orientated and speak to me in such a hurt full and disregarding manner just the thought of them is enough to put me off going and give me a panic attack, no one seems to take into account the abuse and torture i suffered and its because of how he treated us we are here but i cant seem to make that obvious enough despite the fact he decided to agree with my statement. Its sending me into a tumult of dis pare and i am struggling to cope with the fact that someone can do this and come out on top? |
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 23, 2014 14:26:35 GMT
Hey Grace and welcome here,
First: way to go for leaving this abusive man. That is one huge step and a big improvement for your life safety and healing process.
It does show how strong you are and that you have everything inside of yourself to fight this battle.
Abusive men in what I hear from most people (and from my own experience with my biological father) really dont care that much about their children at all. Some do I guess but I often wonder how much that is still part of their control of the mothers. Most likely he just wants to make the court experience another abusive situation to "show you" who is in charge.
Has his abuse been reported back when you left him? Did you ever file for a restraining order? Usually if there is enough evidence abuse took place the court would not rule that much in favor of the abusive parent. If there is no evidence for the court then they will most likely do what is in the best interest of the child - in their point of view. A child has a right to be with both parents (depending on the country laws vary) and sadly it could lead to a shared custody situation.
However- dont give up. What does your lawyer say about this? Can you change the supervised contact center maybe and state to the supervisor of this lady you dont feel safe or understood with her? Tell them that you have been physically and emotionally abused and worry about the safety of your child in the hand of his father.
I wish there was more I could help you with but since I am not too familiar with the law and specifically your country law- id say call a local Domestic Violence hotline. They have counselors who know 400$ about the law in your specific situation and can give you free tips and advocate help.
hang in there, you have come so far, you will be ok.
even in worst case he does get custody then maybe it can be arranged so that you never have to hand over your son alone and have the visit supervised. no contact is essential- even if you should have to discuss any matters about your son with him in the future, have someone (your mother, a good friend, social worker etc.) do the communication.
My mother did that too. She never saw our father and would just send us down the stairs whenever he arrived so she wouldnt have to see him. He got tired of the game after a while and just never came back to see us. They do give up eventually when they see they dont get to you. Its just about power and control. Thats what they want.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 23, 2014 22:28:42 GMT
Have you read the Book by Lundy Bancoft - The Batterer as Parent, I think that would help you considerable at this stage, one of the aspects it looks as in some detail is the abuser dragging the victim though court cases unnecessarily. I found it very helpful! And I had years of that sort of stuff. Best advice I got at the time which I can pass on to you, is to make a note of EVERYTHING. EVery text message, every message, everything he brought it did not bring to the meeting as agreed. Times which were not held to, supervision stuff that was not kept too, etc etc etc just everything. How the children reacted before, during and after contact, what they told or showed in class the following days, everything. And never meet him on your own, so that he cannot start the whole "woe is me" think again, even if he is still trying it on with the kids, Make a note of everything they say or do which seem so indicate that his interest is more in getting back to you than wanting to spend quality time with their own children. Hope this helps. just keep posting and we will try to help you through this time. |
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