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Post by Bambi on Feb 17, 2015 19:47:52 GMT
My OH came home from work In a good mood today, he doesnt have much money and I have been helping him a lot with money. He lives in my flat that I own and he has never contributed to bills, food shopping or holidays. I often give him cash for things even though It means I go without sometimes. I made a calm jokey comment about him paying me back some money now he has a job and he flew off the handle. He picked up the end of our sofa and dropped it on the floor, he said he wanted to smash my face in and he called me a stupid pyschopath. He also called me a money grabbing bitch who was manipulating him and out for everything I could get. He was so angry he kept coming up right in my face and pointing his fingers. I told him that I wanted him to move out and picked up a pair of his shoes which he hit out of my hand. He said he wanted to smash up my laptop and smash the walls in. I asked him why he was so angry and he said I had made him angry asking him to pay me back. He also said it is because he have up smoking but I gave up smoking a year ago and was never angry like that. I feel so trapped in my own home. He never takes out the bins or cleans but he loves to tell me I lazy and disgusting. I work full time in a good job and I am not very tidy but Even when he was out of work he sat at home all day not lifting a finger. He has hit me before only once or twice and he has grabbed me by the throat, pulled my hair and called me a slut a slag. Before we lived together he woke me up in the middle of the night grabbed my hair and throat put my belongings in a bin bag and drive me home telling me to get some morals. I tread on eggshells all the time he never gives complements and tells me that I am a bitch who hates other females. I have lots of female friends so this isn't true.
When I ask him to leave he says he can't go as he has no where else to go. I can't physically force him out and he says that I am crazy if I say I want to call the police. I feel too ashamed to tell any of my friends or family and some days i can cope with it. I don't know if I am being abused or just a pyschopath like he says. How can I get him out of my flat and life?
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Post by HH Lindsey on Feb 17, 2015 21:22:44 GMT
Hi Bambi, This sounds serious. I would call a Domestic Violence Hotline immediately, tell them everything you have told us here and find out what your legal position is in getting him out of the house, how you can protect yourself adequately once he is out (if possible), get them to help you put together a safety plan and find out whether there are any refuges you could get to in an emergency. I am serious, this does sound like a potentially VERY dangerous man. In fact, it reminded me immediately of one of the first stories which was sent me when I first started Hidden Hurt: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/vella_domestic_violence_story.html . All the best Lindsey |
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 17, 2015 21:52:57 GMT
Bambi, a warm welcome to you.
I agree 100% with Lindsey. He is an abuser, this is a dangerous situation. There is help for you.
This is YOUR flat and you can ask the police to have him removed- then you change your locks and get a restraining order or order of protection on him.
This means by law he is not allowed anywhere near you or your apartment.
Please call a DV hotline and have them help you with a safe escape plan. He sounds very aggressive, and especially when you want to leave- those men can get very dangerous and become violent.
Let us know how we can help, we are here.
NONE of this was ever your fault. He is an abuser. They do that.
You will be ok and life will be better than this.
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Post by Bambi on Feb 18, 2015 17:39:24 GMT
Thank you both so much for taking time to reply. It's comforting to be able to get this all off my chest. I still have a feeling like I am making a drama out of nothing. I'm not sure if that is common? The outbursts of rage are not very often but the anger is always there and can be caused by the smallest thing, always my fault. If the cheese is sliced and not grated in a sandwich, if I say the wrong thing when we are out. Quite often I am ignored for days on end. It used to be about things I wore & not being allowed to wear a certain item if it was it drew attention to me. I think what I have become amune to is the eggshell treading. I Find myself worrying about something that I might have done that will cause a telling off. It has become very normal now. I don't feel loved or supported. When I ask about why he is not affectionate I am told it is because I am a cold person who only cares and thinks about myself. Ideally I would like a way for him to leave and us to spilt up without involving a third party. I just want my life and my flat back in peace and happiness.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 18, 2015 17:59:17 GMT
Yes, it is very normal to question yourself. After all HE told you nonstop that it is.
My concern is that he will not leave you alone unless you involve the police and receive a restraining order. Especially since he is not only an abuser, he is economically using you and your resources. Of course he wants to keep this ideal situation for himself, and might not be willing to just walk out. How about you try and call a DV hotline as a first step for now?
You do NOT have to give them your personal information, and can remain 1000% anonymous on the phone. It would just give you a chance to talk to a trained counselor, listen to their free services, and see what feels right.
How do you feel about that?
We are here for you at any point in time, and understand how hard this is.
It is as if someone pulls the rug from under your feet and your entire world is upside down.
His 'silent treatment' is a very serious and damaging emotional abuser tactic. It is also called 'stonewalling' at times.
It is designed to keep you guessing, and to slooowly eat away at your self esteem, hope, and happiness.
Just know your life happiness, your gifts, your energy, are ALL still there. They just hide for now in a safe place until he is out of your life.
A few books I can recommend you maybe too are
'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft
'Invisible Heroes' by Belleruth Naparstek
as well as anything about 'traumatic bonding/stockholme syndrome' and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which you most likely are experiencing right now due to prolonged periods of severe stress, exposure to violence and emotional abuse.
You can get out of this. This is not how your story ends.
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Post by Bambi on Feb 18, 2015 20:19:27 GMT
Thank you so much. I will be sure to read the books you have recommended and I should have a chance over the weekend to call the hotline. This evening I have already been called an idiot and told that I am draining the beans wrong, he was really angry and spoke really slowly as if I was stupid. He is also obsessed that I dilberately don't wash his clothes properly. I have even taken them to a laundrette to show they are the same as when they are cleaned in my washing machine. Today he wore a new shirt and made me smell it and him by putting his armpit over my face while I was lying on my bed and accused me of making him think he smells. It was all very aggressive. He keeps the heating on full even though it gets boiling and I am the one paying for it. Even when I beg he tells me it's freezing and that I am tight.
I feel so drained sometimes I don't want to come home because I don't know how angry he will be or what I will have done to anger him this time. I feel like I don't have control in my own home. Even though it's my flat which I worked hard for I feel like leaving him in it.
He is very good at making everyone else think he is a nice guy even his own family. No one knows that I pay for everything and if we go out with friends I have to take cash out before so it looks like he is paying. That even happens with his family.
He almost left last night when he was full of rage and called a family member to ask if he could stay but he didn't go. He came into the room and said how sorry he was and then today it's the same anger. Thank you so much for taking time to reply. You have helped me to realise how much I had normalised his behaviour. I feel too ashamed to even tell my closest friends and family about this.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Feb 20, 2015 7:55:59 GMT
Hi Bambi,
Sorry, have had internet connection problems so have not got back to you sooner.
Since I last looked at your thread you have added two posts, which both make me feel more concerned rather than less. The economic situation alone could simply indicate someone who is quite happy to take, take, take and then move on to the next kind person. But the emotional abuse and the rage and the aggression and the deceit towards just about everyone else, well, they just have the warning bells and lights and signals going off at an alarming rate. From what you have said, I would guess his potential to be seriously violent towards you. You have not mentioned whether he has actually been physically assaultive, eg a push or slap or holding you down or tightly round the wrist, but his aggressive behaviour in private and rages give me the impression it would not take much for that next step to be taken. Has he ever threatened you with violence? I don't just mean verbally, but with body language too, eg punching something near to you when you disagree with him, or getting right into your face to shout at you - those in themselves are body language ways of threatening violence, because they know, and we know, that if we 'push' it, the next step could be punching us or 'accidentally' pushing us over and on to the floor.
You mentioning your last post that you have realised that you have (in your mind) normalised his behaviour, but at the same time feel too ashamed to tell your friends or family. That is actually encouraging, because it means that he has not yet been able to completely convince you that his behaviour is normal, and the fact that you were willing and able to write about it here also shows that your gut is telling you something is very wrong in the relationship.
As said, I do think that you have a potentially very dangerous man in your house. I hope you do get the opportunity of calling a DVA helpline asap to get their advice and support (as Janine said, it can be anonymous). And as much as I understand that you don't want to get a third party involved, I honestly don't think you are going to have much of an alternative here. He is unlikely to go willingly. If forced to leave, he could follow two different paths (am basing this on listening to stories from abused women for well over a decade). Either he could accept that his luck has run out and find someone else to fund his lifestyle and dominate (best for you but pity the poor woman who next takes pity on him), or he could turn into a serious threat to your health and possibly life. Listen to your gut rather than your head or heart. Does your gut tell you that he could turn violent and that he could kill you?
I am sorry if my message is frightening you even more than you already are. But as said, your situation does remind me of several others which have turned very nasty and been potentially fatal. Please do get in touch with your local DVA helpline asap and work out a safety plan together with them
Lindsey xxx
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Post by TWP on Feb 20, 2015 7:58:57 GMT
Hi Bambi
How is everything going? I hope that you get that chance to talk to the DV line over the weekend, if you haven't already.
He sounds like a very unpleasant and dangerous individual. My ex used to like looking down on me, and telling me that I am doing things wrong all the time. He had this look he used that was a cross between me being a something he had trodden in and that I had murdered a baby; for a crime as horrendous as spilling a drop of water. Your partner very much sounds like he is using a nastier version of this tactic to take your power away from you that is yours; including YOUR home, YOUR money, YOUR self-esteem, and to stop you from challenging his behaviour. None of this is your fault, IT IS ALL HIM!
Please take all of the advice from the ladies above, they have given so much good advice. I struggled to tell people about my ex's behaviour, feeling ashamed. I was very lucky, when I told my family and friends, they were so supportive, as were the police. In fact, most worked it out before I did and had been trying to suport me already, but hadn't realised how bad it was. Keep safe and get all the support you can through official channels, and with people you trust. You deserve better than this.
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Post by Bambi on Jan 26, 2017 20:39:33 GMT
I just wanted to give an update on this. I finally managed last year to get him to move out of my flat. It took me three months to get the set of keys back and get his belongings out of the flat. But he is gone now. I'm concentrating on fixing up my flat and have fixed the holes in the wall that he punched through and I have replaced the door that he punched to pieces. I'm happy and healthy and people have commented about how much I am back to my old self. I was with my abuser for 9 and a half years and I know that it will be a work in progress to get over the abuse. But right now things are good for me. Thank you so much for helping me when things were really dark and I was alone and trapped. Your words were the start of the process of getting out of the abuse.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 26, 2017 20:50:26 GMT
Bambi, I am so happy to hear from you!!
It sounds like you took good care of yourself and removed the abuser from your life.
We are always here if you need an ear.
Stay safe and continue to listen to your gut.
Way to go girl.
It is not easy to leave an abuser, but it is always worth it.
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Post by Bambi on Jan 26, 2017 21:45:42 GMT
Thank you so much. It's taken a lot of strength and It will continue to. I still haven't spoken to anyone about everything that I have been through but that will be my next step. At the moment I am just getting through each day and enjoying peace and freedom in my own home. Thank you so much for your help. I can't say enough how much it helped to know that I wasn't alone.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jan 27, 2017 0:57:05 GMT
You got this. Trust yourself. One day at a time.
Baby steps if necessary.
Lots of energy your way!!
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Jan 27, 2017 3:07:31 GMT
Hi Bambi! So happy for you! It is wonderful isn't to have your own space back again? Your ex could so be my ex. And getting out from that kind of living situation is beyond relief! I am glad you are fixing up your home to restore it to your tastes! I remember when I finally got my own home (with my daughters and not their Dad), it was very healing for me to decorate it in the manner that I WANTED. My daughters chimed in , but we all basically agreed that we needed a "new fresh" look and it has been so great. I bought a new bed..got rid of the one he and I shared. Believe it or not, it helped me sleep better to know that no man, especially my ex, had been in my new bed. I got new sheets, new bedspread, new pillows for my sofa, new dishes in the kitchen, changed all the color patterns.AND I love to do jigsaw puzzles and doing them also was very therapeutic for me, each one I have done is framed and hangs somewhere in my new home. I didn't do it all at once, but as I got a few extra dollars, I would add something. I even got new pillows on the bed, just to have ones that none of my exes have touched. May also sound strange, but I also got rid of all my lingerie that I wore when with him, literally took scissors and cut it up. Whatever works for you..that is what matters. I am just happy for you! One day at a time, taking care of yourself is so important and that is what gives us the energy to live a good life. I am so glad he is gone. And one thing that is so good too, is we gain that strength and insights as to what happened, and that gives us the courage to never let them back in our lives. You so deserve all the happiness that comes your way..and stay strong. He may come knocking again at some point, if you can, don't let him in. And he may try all kinds of tactics and tricks to get back on your good side. Don't fall for it. Smiling for you Bambi!  |
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