Lonely after abuse

crystal
Member

Posts: 218

Lonely after abuse Jan 10, 2014 22:15:23 GMT

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Post by crystal on Jan 10, 2014 22:15:23 GMT

I feel quite lonely after my abusive relationship ended by me divorcing him in 2006. I stayed in the house all the time apart from going to work. I was too scared to interact with people in case something happened and my trust in men had been shattered so I was fine in my flat not going out staying safe in my own little bubble of life - no newspapers virtually unaware of life outside my little world trying to keep me safe.

I went out one night in 2010 in a works night out and was assaulted. The Police were very nice but he was never found. I had to go through a lot because of this but find it dificult to say. Psych told me its common for trauma victims (I am a survivor I think) to re-traumatise themselves by getting into situations. Initially I just thouht my abuser raped repeatedly (domestic abuse had to point the rape point out to me as I just thought him holding me down and forcing himself on me was his right especialy when we got married) me so this was just another assault but its haunting me all the time.

I met my old neighbour today who I have been friends with since we met in hospital a few years ago and her last words to me were that I was so strong - she knows J abused me but doesn't know any details etc.

I think though for anyone reading this still in the abuse you will begin to figure out what he was doing and why, you just have to be out for this to happen because when you are in the middle of it you are walking on egg shells in case he kicks off and often you don't realise how dangerous he is at the time as safety becomes your first priority and you can become so bonded to him you like the nice part of him and think everything is ok but the dark side comes out.

Anyway I am so so lonely, but happy to be out of the abuse and feel I can continue to moving on, as I have moved along a lot since I first posted on this site.

Janine 1984
Guest

Lonely after abuse Jan 11, 2014 1:00:42 GMT

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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 11, 2014 1:00:42 GMT

Hey you and thanks for sharing your story!

The loneliness I think is a big thing the first few years after we get out. It takes time to regain your faith in yourself and build new, healthier relationships. Like you, I too had another abusive experience with another man. It is interesting that survivors of abuse do seek out (not knowingly) the exact same situations and feel almost draw to it. Like an addiction....I really only got away for good with therapy and reading as much as I could about abuse. The few good moments you might have with an abuser only feel so good because you are happy he isnt beating you to death or pushing you against the wall. When really even THEN its not that great. Its just an illusion- you are thankful for anything non-violent.

Have you tried to maybe fill the void and lonely moments with a new hobby or a pet? I know dogs help a LOT to not feel alone and I picked up more spots and education to stay busy. It was very hard at the beginning but now I even love the moments when i cook for myself, take my time, sip some wine, some good music - and I cook what i want. (my ex would in the try and restrict my ambitions to cook by telling me what to cook or forbid me to cook)

I also enjoy a long bath, a walk. a coffee with friends or coworkers that i know are safe (mostly female) etc.

i also used to post a lot more here back when i was in the first phase of building up my life again. it is hard to realize we ARE as strong as others see us (like your neighbor) and we ARE ok and capable of making good decisions about future partners, dating, new friends etc -- we CAN set boundaries and take care of ourselves.

empowerment is the one word I learned was so so important. we are being empowered by leaving and building a happy and balanced life for ourselves.

we are always here if you want a place to share your feelings and we understand the lonely part very very well....sundays are the worst too i found and evenings. when the world is quiet and you are left with your thoughts. thats when a good movie or something to do helps

crystal
Member

Posts: 218

Lonely after abuse Jan 12, 2014 20:58:37 GMT

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Post by crystal on Jan 12, 2014 20:58:37 GMT

Hi Janine

Thank you for your reply. I find Friday evenings the worst. I am trying to keep busy by starting to read my Kindle again. Books helped me to survive so much abroad when the abuse was at its worst, its like taking you somewhere else when you need it. I've always been a reader so love books, just need to get back to it.

I think you have to be strong to go through so much abuse and come out the other side and become a "survivor" not a victim. It can take a while to get to this but its great when you do.

theresa
Member

Posts: 17

Lonely after abuse Jan 13, 2014 4:54:27 GMT

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Post by theresa on Jan 13, 2014 4:54:27 GMT

Hi Diane,

Yes, the tendency to cocoon after abuse is perfectly normal behaviour. It is kind of like a healing space we give ourselves.

I wish there was a way to stop whatever it is that makes us magnets to abusers, but it just is. Every relationship that I have had has been abusive. No... wait. I have one girlfriend who is not abusive. She was abused as a child too, but she came out of it really strong. She takes no carp from anyone. I wish I had emerged the same. Her husband is a dream. I have just become increasingly beaten down. Leaving my abuser has not reduced the abuse, just the source. So... it's a lot of work, and it's confusing.

Janine is spot on about dogs. They are perfect companions. Also, there are walking groups for people with dogs, and generally, people who love animals enough to socialize with them, maybe... maybe... are less likely to be abusive?? I hope.

I am sorry that you were assaulted on your first foray back into the world. Keep posting, and hopefully, we can encourage each other to find safe people and places in the world.

Theresa

Post by crystal on Jan 10, 2014 22:15:23 GMT

Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 11, 2014 1:00:42 GMT

Post by crystal on Jan 12, 2014 20:58:37 GMT

Post by theresa on Jan 13, 2014 4:54:27 GMT

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