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Post by emma1472 on Jan 5, 2014 15:07:14 GMT
Ok I don't know where to start really I've been with my partner 7 years and through that time life has been tough.but I'm still in the relationship. Let me start it off when I met him he was a single dad and had no home so I went out my way and got us a place to live after 2 weeks of meeting I took on his 2 year old daughter at the time. I gave him a fresh start in life I cooked and cleaned and took on his daughter no questions asked.Back then he punched me and smashed the house up but claimed not to raise a hand to me again but it continued because I was a nagger he use to say. I didn't ask for much then because I was hoping life would get better but he spent all day and night online on Xbox and didn't even sleep at the same time as me. When I woke he would go to sleep then wake then play while I was keeping a house and his daughter.then his ex wife came back on the scene and I welcomed her into our home for his daughters sake I felt like a gooseberry around them both so I decided not to participate in family time with them and let them do things as a family without me tagging along and that got me a beating. So I kept my life in my head and kept going woke up everyday and thought something betters out there for me... I fell inlove with someone who showed me the slightest bit of love and attention and had a fling but he found out and beat me daily so I ended the fling and knew I was wrong. Year or so later I find life wasn't changing not at all constantly on his xbox online and found out he was cheating on me for 2 years with someone he met online and played with through xbox I suffered heartache even more bit I stayed for his daughters sake. Then 2 years ago he was warned not to beat me any more or it was game over but the hitting stopped and the intimidation started he got a new job and was never home so I would check his phone and I knew he would be angry at me life was crap. Then yesterday I accused him of seeing someone we had an argument and he hit me with a newspaper I stood up because he was in my face and said I'm not scared of u anymore and next thing I know he's punching my face and he told me back a bag and get out or he would do it for me. I was and am in shock he lifted his hands to me but he said he can't remember punching my face or even telling me to leave or he would do it for me? He went to work this morning and I packed mycase he came home early and said it's both out faults he hit me.... I just do t know if it's worth it any longer or was it me who provoked him and it's my fault. Any advice would be good
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 5, 2014 16:28:52 GMT
Hey Emma1472 and welcome here!!!
First- let me say it is NOT your fault. You did not nag him or ask him to be abusive. He chose to. He does it to control you and keep you from leaving.
He twists reality by saying " i do not remember" that is a classic excuse from abusers all over the world. If you claim you do not remember -- then clearly you cannot be blamed for anything, right? So twisted.
I believe you are dating a classic abuser and if you would like to read up on how they all work-- there are lots of good articles on this website but we generally also recommend "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. It's the first book to read if you are in an abusive relationship and try to understand what is going on, why he does it and how to get away.
There is another good book called "Jerk Radar" for when you are actually out and dating -- it shows very nicely all the early warning signs of abusive people and how to detect it before you get too serious too fast.
If you can, pack up and leave. (I know its easier said than done....) but his abuse will continue and it might only get worse. Getting hit with a newspaper can result in serious injuries and he is clearly not worth it. Since you are not the mother's child there is also not much you can do for her- unless he abuses her and you can report that to child protective services to get her to live with the mother or someone else.
He is taking advantage of your good heart and will to help. He does not deserve someone like you to look after him and you sound like you are in physical danger as long as he is around. There are lots of good articles here on how to go no contact etc. and you can also contact a local DV shelter for help. They can help you with getting started in a new place....getting counseling etc. to deal with the aftermath of the abuse. You do not need to walk this mile alone if you reach out to local help as well.
We are here to listen and give advice no matter what you choose to do. Leave or stay- we understand.
But we would of course rather advice you to leave before the violence gets more out of hand and your life is in danger.
stay strong, believe that you deserve more, because you do.
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steve
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Admin
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Post by steve on Jan 5, 2014 17:24:08 GMT
I agree, how could this be your fault? You are not perfect, none of us are, but would you feel his "errors" such as having an affair justified you beating him up? And he was violent right from early on - breaking things up is violence, even if he doesn't hit you directly. I also would bet any money he remembers quite well that he hit you, and is lying to you to confuse you about it. And even if he isn't lying, what the heck are you supposed to do about it, just forget it happened because he doesn't remember it? He still DID it, whether he remembers or not.
Good for you for standing up to him and setting some limits, but you see what happened when you did. As soon as you try to be strong and independent, he becomes violent. There is only one kind of limit you can set with such a person - leaving him. Well, there is another - having him arrested and put in jail. He has committed crimes against you and certainly deserves to be locked up. He sounds quite dangerous, to be frank. But in any case, your decision to pack up and leave is a very rational one. It sounds like you've reached the end of your tolerance, and have put up with far more than he deserves. Let us know how we can support you going forward. Leaving isn't as easy as it sounds, especially after you're out for a bit and start missing the "good times" you may have had. But remember always, he is this way because he chooses to be. It's not you - it is HIM. And you deserve better.
Let us know how we can support you. Keep posting!
---- Steve
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Post by emma1472 on Jan 5, 2014 17:24:28 GMT
Hi Janine thanks for replying... Ur right leaving is easier said than done my case is packed but something is stopping me taking the jump to actually leaving. Funny thing Is he says we both caused him to hit me and it's not like he's did it in over a yea. I'm sick of his pathetic excuses. I know in my heart of hearts it's time. I sit here writing this in tears me in my bedroom in darkness. & he in lounge thinking everything's okay. When in heart of hearts I've never felt so much alone.i thank you for replying xxx
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
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Post by steve on Jan 7, 2014 3:02:48 GMT
So what is it that is stopping you? What would it mean about you if you left? What would it mean about your life? Are you afraid of something he'll do? Or of how you'll look to others or yourself? Or how you will feel being alone? These questions can really help you figure out what is holding you up. It's very normal to be hesitant or ambivalent. Keep on posting and let us know what you think is in the way.
Hang in there! You can do this!
---- Steve
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