Post by richierich on Dec 9, 2014 15:14:55 GMT
Hello,
I am a 38 year old male in an abusive relationship. My girlfriend is 36 and we have a 3 year old son together. She is a Senior Tax Manager for a large accountant and I am a self employed handyman. I work part time and look after our son when he is not at nursery. I also do the majority of the domestic chores. We have been together for 10 years.
Whilst there have been physical episodes over the years, the main form of abuse is psychological. It is happening today, it has been happening everyday for the last 2-3 weeks. There are regular episodes every month or two and if I am honest this has always been the case.
I want to try and summarise as to go into every detail would take so long, I dont think I have the strength or typing skills! We have always had a problem talking about the big issues in our lives, jobs, houses, children, families, the things that all people argue about really. The problem is that when normal lines of communication breaks down she flips into abusive mode where all traces of the original problem vanish in a whirl of 'anything goes'. The episode I am in at the moment started when she said she wished to relocate our family to live closer to her family in London, mainly because she is unhappy at work. I was initially surprised as she had not given this impression and I didn't believe it was the best thing for us right now. We are currently trying to choose a school for our son for next September!
When she doesn't immediately hear what she wants the abuse starts. Examples of her behaviour are as follows:
1. Lengthy sessions of verbal abuse, last one lasted 45 minutes.
2. Threats of affairs, leaving me, taking our son
3. Tells me I am lazy, selfish, work shy, unsupportive, crap father, i could go on.
4. Insults my family (who have been a massive support to us both)
5. Abusive/Divisive text messages. I have had 31 today already.
6. Attempts to create divisions between me and my son.
7. Controlling over money (she earns majority wage)
8. Shouting, swearing, intimidating behaviour sometimes in front of our son.
It just keeps repeating itself. Whatever the catalyst, and it can vary greatly, we end up in this cycle. I spend the whole time in an environment of fear. I dont want to say anything that will wind her up. If I dont speak or respond to messages she just tries harder to hurt, upset and antagonise a reaction. Today she has instructed me we have to have a serious conversation tonight about various things knowing full well it will worry me. Its about power and control I know that but I have no idea how to change it.
On Sunday night she attacked me verbally, tried to get my phone to smash it (hurting my finger in the process) and then called the police to have me removed from the house for threatening her! She has a previous caution for assaulting me so I told the police I wouldnt tell them exactly what had happened to avoid her getting into trouble and I agreed to leave for the night to keep the peace. Im sure people will say why ever would I do that but whether I believed it to be correct or its the fear I do not know. She still blames me for getting her arrested when she drunkenly attacked me and smashed my laptop!
When she was arrested, about 18 months ago, was when I first realised this was domestic abuse. I read up about it and told her she must also. She accepted it, was upset about it and promised me she would change. She didn't change but she believes she has. This is where I am at now. She didn't get help. I think she believed she could help herself. Whenever I mention it I am accused of just blaming her. Every morning she is angry, every night she is angry and during the day the messages are angry. I have to leave the room, leave the house, whatever it takes to keep things calm.
I cant win, she ties me up in knots and leaves me feeling utterly worthless. With the help of my family and 2 really close friends I have learn't coping mechanisms and the ability to not accept the blame and the guilt. This way I can survive but not sure for how long. She wont change without help and I cannot help her anymore, im out of ideas. She threatens access to my son if we split up and I know that is what is scaring me the most.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Rich
I am a 38 year old male in an abusive relationship. My girlfriend is 36 and we have a 3 year old son together. She is a Senior Tax Manager for a large accountant and I am a self employed handyman. I work part time and look after our son when he is not at nursery. I also do the majority of the domestic chores. We have been together for 10 years.
Whilst there have been physical episodes over the years, the main form of abuse is psychological. It is happening today, it has been happening everyday for the last 2-3 weeks. There are regular episodes every month or two and if I am honest this has always been the case.
I want to try and summarise as to go into every detail would take so long, I dont think I have the strength or typing skills! We have always had a problem talking about the big issues in our lives, jobs, houses, children, families, the things that all people argue about really. The problem is that when normal lines of communication breaks down she flips into abusive mode where all traces of the original problem vanish in a whirl of 'anything goes'. The episode I am in at the moment started when she said she wished to relocate our family to live closer to her family in London, mainly because she is unhappy at work. I was initially surprised as she had not given this impression and I didn't believe it was the best thing for us right now. We are currently trying to choose a school for our son for next September!
When she doesn't immediately hear what she wants the abuse starts. Examples of her behaviour are as follows:
1. Lengthy sessions of verbal abuse, last one lasted 45 minutes.
2. Threats of affairs, leaving me, taking our son
3. Tells me I am lazy, selfish, work shy, unsupportive, crap father, i could go on.
4. Insults my family (who have been a massive support to us both)
5. Abusive/Divisive text messages. I have had 31 today already.
6. Attempts to create divisions between me and my son.
7. Controlling over money (she earns majority wage)
8. Shouting, swearing, intimidating behaviour sometimes in front of our son.
It just keeps repeating itself. Whatever the catalyst, and it can vary greatly, we end up in this cycle. I spend the whole time in an environment of fear. I dont want to say anything that will wind her up. If I dont speak or respond to messages she just tries harder to hurt, upset and antagonise a reaction. Today she has instructed me we have to have a serious conversation tonight about various things knowing full well it will worry me. Its about power and control I know that but I have no idea how to change it.
On Sunday night she attacked me verbally, tried to get my phone to smash it (hurting my finger in the process) and then called the police to have me removed from the house for threatening her! She has a previous caution for assaulting me so I told the police I wouldnt tell them exactly what had happened to avoid her getting into trouble and I agreed to leave for the night to keep the peace. Im sure people will say why ever would I do that but whether I believed it to be correct or its the fear I do not know. She still blames me for getting her arrested when she drunkenly attacked me and smashed my laptop!
When she was arrested, about 18 months ago, was when I first realised this was domestic abuse. I read up about it and told her she must also. She accepted it, was upset about it and promised me she would change. She didn't change but she believes she has. This is where I am at now. She didn't get help. I think she believed she could help herself. Whenever I mention it I am accused of just blaming her. Every morning she is angry, every night she is angry and during the day the messages are angry. I have to leave the room, leave the house, whatever it takes to keep things calm.
I cant win, she ties me up in knots and leaves me feeling utterly worthless. With the help of my family and 2 really close friends I have learn't coping mechanisms and the ability to not accept the blame and the guilt. This way I can survive but not sure for how long. She wont change without help and I cannot help her anymore, im out of ideas. She threatens access to my son if we split up and I know that is what is scaring me the most.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Rich
