|
|
Post by Janine 1984 on Dec 22, 2013 21:29:13 GMT
Hi, I'd just like to thank everyone for sharing your experiences with me and am sending love & hope to everyone whom visits this page. I have never been on one of these pages before and am not exactly sure how things work so please excuse me if i miss under stand. I came out of a extremely abusive relationship in may this year and am still finding life on a day to day basis very hard to cope with. I have just recently become 18 and don't want to miss the best years of my life feeling depressed. This has torn myself and my family apart however I do luckily have a very supportive mother and 2 amazing best friends so i am not alone however i do feel alone. I feel speaking to someone who has been in a similar situation will really help me. I am no longer in contact with my ex partner as he is currently being kept on remand because of what he has done to me and we will go to court in April 2014. I suffered abuse of all kinds, i am physically and mentally scard. Any advice or conversations would be really appreciated. Thank you best wishes. Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas and all the best for 2014!
|
|
|
|
Post by Janine 1984 on Dec 22, 2013 21:35:18 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
The forum is open for really anyone who would like to find support when going through an abusive relationship or dealing with the aftermath of it. I am very happy too hear you did get away from your ex, he does sound VERY abusive. Do you get any professional support while you prepare for the court trial? I am assuming you have to show up in court as well to testify and that can be a very difficult phase as well in my own experience. Luckily I was able to NOT enter the same courtroom with my abusive ex and the judge just read my written statement of his abuse out loud and then sentenced my ex.
I am now out of abuse for about 4 years and have no contact with my ex. It feels really really good and I am still healing....time and support from a therapist have helped me so much. You have come a long road already it sounds like- be very proud of yourself for saving yourself!!!!
We are here to listen if you need an ear or any practical advice from how to get professional help when dealing with post traumatic stress symptoms, how to handle situations like the court etc. and also to suggest books on the topic of domestic violence if you feel like wanting to read up more to prevent running ever into the same situation again. These abusive men can be very deceiving and i learned a lot from a book called "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft because I ended up briefly dating yet another controlling man right after I had left the abusive one. As of they can smell your weakness and desire to be loved.
Hang in there, look at yourself as the strong and amazing woman you are and life has really just begun for you!!!there are so many good things ahead and one day in the future, this will all be just one bad memory.
|
|
|
|
Post by charlotted81 on Dec 27, 2013 1:32:35 GMT
Hi. Janine thanks for getting back to me your advice was very helpful and thanks for your kind words and support. I am currently looking for professional support to help me prepare for the trial. Is there anywhere you could recommend? I know the basics of what will happen but nothing in detail. I am unsure of the questions you are asking as I haven't been told these things yet. I'm very happy to hear you are safe and well now thank you for sharing your expierence with me. Take care
|
|
|
|
Post by Janine 1984 on Dec 27, 2013 16:54:30 GMT
Hey you,
I believe most domestic violence shelters and hotlines can provide you free legal advice on this one....id all and ask.
They even have people that can go to court with you at the court usually (i had a social worker who came into the waiting room with me, also a special, separated room since my Ex was waiting in the main entrance waiting area.....and I insisted on waiting in the police station right next to the court that day until we got called in- hang in there and I know youll be ok!!!! (in a hurry today but ill write soon to add more info about how i went about it mentally- e.g. preparing yourself for going to court that day etc...
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
|
Post by steve on Dec 28, 2013 4:28:03 GMT
Hi, Charlotte!
Most prosecutors' offices also have a victim's advocate that helps prepare victims to testify and helps them feel OK about it. Some are really good, some not so much, but it's worth asking. Talk to the prosecutor and let him/her know you're nervous about testifying, and ask if there is an advocate or someone to help you prepare. It's in their best interests to make it as easy as possible for you to testify, because they want to win their case. Most of the time, if the defense knows you're testifying, they will settle for some lesser charge and no trial even happens. That's what I'll hope for your sake. But if not, you can do it. Many people report feeling terrified before and sometimes during the event, but feel very much empowered afterwards to have told their story publicly.
In any case, you have shown great courage getting this far, and I am sure you will make it through. Hang in there and keep us up on your progress. We'll help however we can.
---- Steve
|
|
|
|
Post by charlotted81 on Feb 5, 2014 22:09:41 GMT
Hi guys thanks for getting back to me and for your support really appreciate it. Glad to hear you are ok and safe x sorry its taken so long to reply been a crazy month. I have got in contact with a few more agencies since my last message and they have been helpful in explaining the court process to me and I feel a little better about it now and I will hav people to come with me on the day I have to testify i have the choice to go behind a screen. Unfortunately my ex partner got bail on Friday and now I have to go to a regue far away from home as I am to scared to stay here. I'm trying to take things day by day n stay positive but can't help but worry. I didn't want to go to a refuge but I don't have a choice I am going there tomorrow . I can't understand why all of this is so hard for me? I left 9 months ago and I feel emotionally and physically I am deteriorating more and more every day I am exhausted. when you left and was going through this process was u able to get on with normal life? I dont work and im not in college either bcos of my current situation but I really would like to go to work. I hover for my mum n help her around her house ext and I really have to fight and push myself as I feel dizzy n sick like I'm going to pass out I feel like this when doing other things to, if I go out and there is a lot of people about I get bad feelings. I don't want to tell my mum or friends I don't want to worry them they no I am scared but they don't no what's really going on with me. Any ideas or suggestions on what I could do would b really appreciated. Best wishes x.
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Feb 9, 2014 18:11:38 GMT
You are still being victimized, that's why you still feel bad. I have never understood why such people are allowed out on bail! They pose some of the highest risks of reoffending, much worse than a drug user or burglar. But our society still makes excuses for abusers and blames victims. Of course, you're worried - you have to go to a refuge because they're too stupid to keep him locked up! I'd be scared, too.
It sounds like you're doing about all you can to take care of yourself, but it will take some time. Getting into support groups and/or counseling will be really positive. I know you don't want to worry your mum or friends, but if I were them, I'd really want to know. A general rule I've observed is that the more people you tell, the easier it becomes to bear the burden, as long as they're people you can trust. You don't have to protect them - you need help, and you'd totally be there for them if they needed you, wouldn't you? I have a hard time asking for help, too, but I can tell you that you will feel better if you at least let them know you're hurting. They'll be too happy to help if they are really your friends, just like you'd help them out if they needed you.
It will be hard until this testimony is over. There's just no way around it. So you have to expect it to continue, and manage the anxiety. Do you meditate at all? I have found meditation to be the best answer to anxiety. I find it actually easiest to do out in nature somewhere, but if it's not the right weather, you can do it anywhere that feels safe. You can practice just breathing deeply and being in the present moment and recognizing that everything that happens is temporary and will pass, including this. There are lots of training videos on line if you want to try it out.
You are very courageous, and I'm impressed that you are still thinking about protecting others when you've been so unsafe yourself. You are clearly a very loving person. But it's OK to love yourself and get help. If not now, when? You're at one of the toughest spots a person can be at. You've helped others all your life, I'm betting. It's time for you to get some of that back. Reach out and let those who care about you provide some comfort. They may even be relieved to know what was going on, because they are probably worried about you anyway. Let them help, and you'll all feel better.
That's my suggestion - hope it's helpful!
---- Steve
|
|
