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Post by Carolina on Aug 24, 2014 0:55:47 GMT
Hi,
I have been married for 5 years. I have a 4-year old daughter and a 10-year old stepson. Things were great during our engagement and the first year of our marriage. Then I had complications in my pregnancy and was put on bed rest in my sixth month. My husband started getting irritated over having to do everything. The smallest thing, just asking him to make me a sandwich, and he'd sigh and grumble, cuss, yell. He accused used me of milking it. It got to where I just stopped asking. I'd go without eating or just get up and make something quick. He didn't stop me. He'd just say, "are you sure you should be doing that?" Well, someone had to . Our daughter came six weeks early, but thankfully, she had no major problems. She came home after only two weeks.
Things were great for the next few months. He fell in love with her and he treats her like gold. His little princess. But our son is sensitive, and my husband picks on him, criticizes him for not being manly enough. Well, it started getting bad after I began defending him (our son). My husband told me to stay out of it. I said no, and he huffed and walked away. That was it, or so I thought. But when we went to bed that night, he said we had to have a "discussion". He pinned me down on the bed and told me to never, ever undermine him in front of his son again. I told him he was hurting me, I said, please let me go. He wouldn't let me go until I promised not to interfere again.
Of course, I haven't stopped interfering, because I just can't. I just can't. He's just a little boy and I feel like he needs someone to stick up for him. His mother died when he was a baby, so he doesn't even have that. My husband has never hit him, that I know of, and as I've been told, being an overly critical parent isn't a crime. It makes me sick.
Over the last couple of years, my husband's "discussions" with me have gotten longer and longer, and more intense. Anytime I say it do anything that he finds disrespectful, irritating, or that he just doesn't agree with, it happens again. Always at bedtime. He will rant and rave, sometimes for more than an hour, as I'm pinned down on the bed. If I don't answer the way he wants, he will squeeze my arms, grab my chin hard, or push his knee into my ribs, and say, "are you getting my point now?"
When I was 17, a few years before we met, I was raped by a classmate. The guy pinned my arms over my head and put all of his weight on me. He weighed about 220lbs; I weighed 105. I couldn't breathe, really thought he was going to smother me. I had nightmares for months and was diagnosed with PTSD. My husband knows this. So he pins my arms at my sides instead of over my head (what a guy, right?) Until two nights ago. Yep, another "discussion". He had tried everything, and I was in awful pain (he knows how to do it, too, and without leaving any marks), but I wasn't giving in. He said, "what is it going to take for you to get it?" And he moved my arms, pinned them above my head and pushed down. He said, "are you getting it now?" I went into panic mode. I was crying and I begged him to let me go. He said, "Tell me you get it." So I did. "Tell me you're going to listen to me from now on." Okay! I would have said anything. Finally, he let me go. I didn't sleep that night at all.
Next day (yesterday), he went off to work, and I started packing bags for me and my daughter. I was going to call my husband after I was far out of town and tell him he'd have to pick my stepson up from school himself. But then I thought about my stepson, and I couldn't do it. Who will stick up for him if I'm not there? Not only that, but my husband has always told me that if I leave him, he will make sure he gets custody of our daughter. He says he'll win because she prefers being with him, which has been true for the last six months or so, and because he makes more money. So I unpacked and here we are. Still. I don't know what to do. I just want to wake up and find that it's all been a dream. But no such luck. I feel completely stuck.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 2:28:04 GMT
Hey Carolina and welcome here,
It sounds like a very difficult situation for you. Your stepson clearly is being abused by your husband. So are you. There is obvious emotional abuse and very heavy physical abuse. I am sorry to hear he chose to trigger your PTSD from the rape experience many years ago in order to control you and make you say things he wanted to hear. That is SO wrong on so many levels. You have my compassion!
It must feel like you are stuck between a bulldozer and the wall.
My suggestion is, since you seem already really understanding the abuse is getting out of hand and there is no way out but leaving him- that you call the national domestic violence hotline. Use a safe phone- he should NOT be anywhere near the home when you do call. Also delete your browser history on your computer- abusers often stalk their partner's internet activity as well.
Leaving is the MOST dangerous time - so is the time right after you left. Many abusers become heavily physically violent once they see you are about to leave or left. They will do anything to get control back.
I can highly recommend you read 'why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It might help you to break free for good- at least it helped me and many, many other women to do that. Bancroft also wrote a book about how abuse affects children.
Have the hotline or a nearby shelter tell you on the phone what your options and rights are and how they can help. If you are in the USA, most cities have excellent resources by now and highly trained personnel to welcome you to a shelter, help you get protection orders and figure out the legal custody stuff. For now document all incidents if he does attack you. Write them down in a notebook that you keep safe. If he does leave bruises, have a doctor photograph them immediately and document it.
There is a way out. He is just using empty threats to make you believe you have no choice. As hard as it is to maybe having to leave your stepson behind- you CAN raise awareness of his situation to child protective services- or at least let him know you know he is being abuse and it is not right what his dad does. And that you will be there for him if he needs you ever-- if that is what you want. Again a shelter person can better help you figure out scenarios on how this could all be done in a safe way.
Many children report that they wish the other parent had stood up and they end up resenting the partner who did not protect them. By you standing up and saying NO to the abuse of you, him and most likely in the future your daughter- you might enable your stepson to later or soon seek professional help as well, before he might get depressed or aggressive himself.
You do not have to do all of this alone. Call the shelter/DV hotline, reach out. See a counselor if you can. There is a ton out there for free.
Abusers never change. You were not born to live like this- NOBODY deserves to live like this.
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Post by Thistle1 on Aug 24, 2014 2:30:10 GMT
And so it goes. One day you will see that 10, 20, 30 years have passed and, if you survive, you will still be being bullied by that wretched man only he will have upped the ante a thousand fold and your life will be miserable. The little boy that you are protecting will have his own life and may not even care or appreciate the sacrifice you made. Sorry to be so depressing but I have lived it and I can assure you, it won't get any better. You can already see in your short description how he is increasing his bullying because he can get away with it and possibly he needs more and more to give him the 'high'. I am so sorry for you but there is a better life out there. Don't waste your youth and your spirit on this monster. It also sounds like he is not fit to be a father either. Funny that he chides his son for not being manly enough and yet he behaves so badly himself. Nothing manly about bullying those weaker than yourself. I would even predict that when your daughter is older and grabs a little independence for herself, she will cease to be his princess. He has no love in him to give to anyone, not even himself. I am sad for your step-son but I really think you need to look after yourself and your daughter in this. It is possible too that his picking on the boy is just to stir you up as well. Do not underestimate these abusers. They will use anything at their disposal to make your life difficult because getting you upset gives them a chance to punish you further. Please, contact a women's shelter and talk to someone there. You will get good advice. Many hugs.
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Post by Carolina on Aug 24, 2014 19:34:16 GMT
Hi, thanks for your replies. I definitely don't want to find myself still here in 5 or 10 years. Not even one year. I just need to sort out what to do as far as my stepson. I want to see if I can get hold of his other relatives. He's got an aunt nearby, and his maternal grandparents. Maybe they will be able to do more, as his blood relatives. My husband has pretty much pushed everyone in the mom's family away, though. And his family is clueless. They think he's the perfect dad, which is the role he plays when other people are around. I've thought of calling a hotline, but I'm afraid that if anyone calls or shows up to check on my stepson, my husband will know it was me. And that would just make things worse.
He wants us to go out tonight with friends. Which means he'll be the perfect husband, nurturing, polite, and self-deprecating. And I'll be praying the whole time that he's really having a good time. Because if he doesn't, he'll find a way to let it out on me, and tomorrow, his son. I'm pretending to not feel well. Maybe I'll get out of going out, it's happened.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 20:40:49 GMT
The hotlines will NOT ask you for your name or address, they are simply there to offer you a variety of free resources you could use, if you choose to do so.
Stay safe and we are here if you need an ear.
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Post by Carolina on Aug 24, 2014 21:29:39 GMT
Oh, I didn't know that. I thought they'd be able to see where the call is coming from like with 911. I will have to wait until Monday when he is back at work. Unless he goes out tonight without me. I'm really scared. The only time I've been on my own was from the ages of 18-20 and I spent most of that time drunk. I was saving myself for marriage, or at least the person I knew I was going to marry, you know, and that P.O.S. took that from me. I just didn't care about anything after that. Now, having to figure out how I'm going to take care of my daughter on my own, if I don't lose her, and making sure my stepson is taken care of, it's just overwhelming.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:50 GMT
They shelter and hotlines will never ask you to give your name or address away, unless you would like them to come pick you up. They can offer free advice on everything- legal, financial etc.
They also provide free psychological counseling to help you deal with anything you might be scared of, or that feels overwhelming right now. Nobody should live in fear of their husband. It is no way to live. You were not born to be someones punching bag.
Deep breaths, lots of water. You do not have to decide anything tonight or tomorrow. Keep it safe and listen to your gut.
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Post by Carolina on Aug 25, 2014 1:08:15 GMT
He went out without me. I feel like I dodged a bullet. He took the kids to his mom's house for the night, though. I called the hotline. I'm feeling a bit better after talking to a counselor for a while. I've ruled out calling CPS, as from the information. I got, it sounds like it could end up making things a whole lot worse for my stepson. I am going to go ahead and contact his maternal grandparents. I found out that we live in a grandparents' rights state, which means they can go to court and ask for visitation rights, whether my husband likes it or not. That would be great, because then at least they would be involved in his life and he'll have someone on his side if I go. The counselor suggested that I wait until my daughter and I are safely out of the house, though, before I make actual contact with the relatives. Hopefully they will keep me updated and things will get better, but she said, as hard as it is, I will eventually have to let go, for the sake of my daughter's and my safety. I just fear that when my daughter is older and learns the truth about her dad, she's going to want to know why I left her brother behind. I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. But if I leave, at least my daughter would grow up seeing a different way of living than she will if I stay.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 25, 2014 1:49:49 GMT
Hey Carolina, yes, I would second the counselor in saying wait until you and your daughter are safe before you make any contact with the side of his family one way or the other.
I hope you are feeling safe tonight and by all means please stay safe until you reached a point where you feel strong enough to take further actions.
We are always here and understand leaving is not an event, it is a process. Often times abused women go back on average 7 times/it takes 7 attempts to leave before they really stay away for good. This does not mean every woman needs 7 attempts, but it shows you that it is not just 'leave him and it is all good'.
I am so proud of you for having the courage to call the hotline. It does take strength to do this and a lot of will to create a safe and better life for your daughter. It is sad you will maybe not be able to be as involved in your stepson's life- but kids KNOW. If you - after you left and feel safe- let BOTH know you do not like how daddy treat YOU and him (and as soon as he abuses your daughter- as they all do- her too....) they will understand. Kids can pick up more than we think and it might even be validating for your stepson to hear what daddy does is NOT ok.
Ultimately legally the one person you are supposed to keep safe- is your own child for now. Of course yourself too- but sometimes we need to know that when it feels too difficult, we really are saving our own child the pain to watch mom get hurt by dad- and eventually become the target of the abuse as well.
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Post by Carolina on Aug 25, 2014 6:34:22 GMT
Bad night. He came home, he'd already had too much to drink, and he started in again as soon as he walked through the door. I tried to ask him about his night and he told me to shut up. The kids are gone, so it went on all over the house. Roaring at me, three inches from my face, that I don't care about him, that he knows I was avoiding going out with him tonight, and I couldn't make it without him. He passed out finally. I'm sure he won't remember in the morning. He never does when he drinks. These are the times I feel like I can't stand it for even one more day. Nothing I do is right anymore. Well, I'm going to attempt some sleep and I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.
Thank you for listening over these last couple of days. It has been a rough week.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 25, 2014 13:43:05 GMT
I had a feeling if the kids are not home, he would come back and have a good go at you. I am glad it was 'just' verbal abuse and he did not push or shove or try to choke you.
You do not deserve to be treated this way and it is NOT normal behavior. It is also NOT the alcohol. In addition I highly doubt he 'forgets'. Abusers use something we call 'gaslighting' and it is a very mean and hidden form of emotional abuse. They do something on purpose to hurt of confuse you, then they turn it around and say 'I do not remember" or " you must have imagined that", "your memory is really not that great, it did not happen" etc....
Hiding behind alcohol, a stressful day at work, an abusive childhood or ex partner- are ALL excuses they apply to drain all of your energy and empathy out of you. It is NEVER about you- how you feel, what your dreams, goals, aspirations are. How safe and balanced you feel as their partner.
One thing sometimes women believe is a reason they stay longer is to 'help' them- to overcome an abusive childhood their husbands had. My argument- and that of all informed therapists and researchers out there- is that NO abused woman turns around and starts beating her next boyfriend or husband BECAUSE of her ex abusive partner. So why should we give a man (or if the abuser is female, a woman) give that freedom to blame anything but themselves for their behavior....
Science also does not back up any of the excuses there men use. There are a ton of extreme alcoholics out there in the world- but many of them never choose to abuse their partners directly or become violent. Why? Because alcohol does NOT cause abuse.
It works well though if your beloved comes downstairs the next day, all crocodile tears or pretending he does not remember-- after all as an understanding, kind person....who would not want to BELIEVE he is not that bad.....he can change...if only.....more time, I try harder, we do counseling (but he never goes), wait a bit, have a child, have a second child, he gets that other job, ......and then another year passes by and you were at the mercy of someone's hands who could hurt you or kill you.
One thing I would like to add- if/when the day comes you would like to rethink leaving again-- please stay safe. Delete your browser history, hide any clue of your plans to get away from him. Involve professional help from the shelter and/or police. They can help you stay safe and not fall for any empty promises.
The time right when you leave and after leaving is the time abusers kill and/or harm their victims the most and in the most cruel way. Many women report they went back 'just for one last talk....he deserved it after all we had a child, so and so many years.....one last talk"...and then they go, he lures them back in and ...they come out with a broken arm, nose, ribs, black and blue all over the face. Some do NOT come out.
In that case I think it might even 'help' to think of that scenario. If he ever escalates- who does your daughter have to protect her from him? She only has you. Your stepson is in a dangerous situation but all you can do is raise awareness once YOU and her are safe. By staying and covering up his abuse- you harm your stepson indirectly (of course it is NOT your fault!!!!) for longer.
Your daughter has a chance to not grow up with abuse and set standards for herself where she will not let a man treat her this way. Many abused women report having been abused at home as well, or at least witness dad hit mom. So maybe once you are safe, you could see if there is more support for YOU as well, via a good counselor or therapist.
You deserve all the support. You deserve a safe, happy life. You are a very smart and empathetic person, who cares deeply about her children. Give yourself a ton of credit for that!!!! My mother left my abusive father when I was 10 months old. She caught him abusing my brother one day and that was the day she finally had enough.
I thanked her many years later when I understood- so did my brother. We both went on to uni, got good jobs and worked hard to keep abuse out of our life. I can say with confidence him and I are now very happy humans- engaged in volunteer work, like our jobs and own families and the memory of the abusive father is nothing but that...a memory.
Had she stayed- I had experienced more abuse. No doubt about that. My brother's teacher once said she felt sorry for him, as he would hide his bruises and lie about them, and bring a stuffed animal to school at an age when all the other kids did not anymore. He also wet his bed at an age that was not developmentally normal anymore. When the divorce and custody fight was over- my father only tried for little time to keep on using the kids to abuse my mother.
She stayed strong, involved police and the court every time he acted out. (that was back in 1985...so things have improved a TON for abused women and their custody battles) -- and finally he moved on to date another woman he could easily abuse. He never really cared about being a father from the distance and I havent seen or spoken to him since I was 4 years old.
We are always here to listen. read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft IF you can do so in a safe way. One of our posters suggested keeping the book at a friend's place and only read it there- or hide it in a park under a stone if you are allowed to walk the dog or something alone...but make sure he does not know what you are up to.
You are doing the right thing. You do not have to live like this. You do not have to walk the path away from this abuser by yourself. There are so many people out there who are ready to help, who love to help and who understand leaving is so damn hard. So is staying away from them in the months afterwards.
Trust your gut, stay safe. We are here.
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Post by Carolina on Aug 26, 2014 16:06:42 GMT
He knows. I'm pretty sure. I've been deleting my history and clearing the cache and all of that. I don't know if he knows about this site, but I think he knows I'm thinking about leaving. Yesterday before he left for work, he said he was sorry for the night before, that he knows we have problems, but he loves me and he meant it when he said his wedding vows, and he hopes I did too. I told him that of course I did.
He got home from work and we had a pretty peaceful evening. He didn't give my stepson any trouble and he was being so nice that I felt like I got a glimpse of the old him.
Right after the kids went to bed, my sister called. She wanted to talk about a personal issue, one she didn't want her brother-in-law to hear about. So I took the phone into the bedroom. He followed me, wanted to know what was going on, so I quietly explained this to him. He didn't seem to believe me, but he left me alone. A little later, after I was off the phone, he came in and said we needed to talk. Oh not now, please. He said, "Relax, I just want to talk." Then he says, "What's going on, really?" I told him nothing, it was a private manner and it had nothing to do with him. And it's true. My sister lives halfway across the country and has no clue of what's going on. So he then says that he knows something is going on with me, that he can see it. I insisted that nothing was going on and started to walk away. He grabbed my wrist and said "Hey, wait a minute." He acted so innocent, like he had no idea what I was nervous about. He then accused me of shutting him out and hiding things. He said, "You think it's so bad with me? Try without. You would come crawling back." Then he laughs and kisses me, like it was all a joke. And that was it. We went back into the living room, and later to bed and nothing more happened.
I don't know, I'm a little freaked out. It seems like he's on to me, doesn't it? I found my stepson's grandparents, I think. It's down to one of two numbers. I just have their last name and the grandmother's first name, the town, and then I'm guessing at their ages. I just hope the numbers are current.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 26, 2014 18:18:25 GMT
He is onto you. Yes. He is using his 'charming' tactic to make you believe the 'good, old self is back, yeah!!!' only to ensure you stay and he can go back to being more openly abusive.
He was very smart at 'just' grabbing your wrists and mixing the threat in with a false laughter. This is meant to confuse you, BUT - more importantly- scare you. You played it very, very well in keeping it calm and diverting the attention to issues your sister has- whatever does the job to keep him from not harming you.
The scary thing is- as a spouse you WANT to talk to your partner about what is heavy on your heart. But he does NOT ask because he cares about how you are feeling. If he did, he would not say abusive statements like "you will come crawling back" he would also not do what you described above:
"he will squeeze my arms, grab my chin hard, or push his knee into my ribs, and say, "are you getting my point now?"---
That is the REAL him. Not Mr. Nice which he uses to make you question your won sanity and think: Oh...others have it worse. He can be so nice.
The fact he WANTED and CHOSE to trigger your rape trauma from when you were 17 - is a huge warning sign to me. He re-raped you that night by doing this to you. That mjust have been an awfully traumatizing experience. Sadly abusers very often do that. First they come along all charming, super duper interested in your past, your issues, your weak spots, your fears and dreams. Anyone would love that kind of attention, especially if you had an unhealed trauma back from your rape and maybe family history of abusive behavior from one or more family members.
Now all he thinks he has to do -after he got you down to this point, is to increase the abuse in moments when he thinks you might leave. Either by being super nice or aggressive, sometime this can even change from minute to minute! It is crazy making abuse.
I hope calling the hotlines/shelters gives you some strength and hope.
This is not how your life has to be.
All abusers threaten and become violent eventually one way or the other and pretend they can live above the legal system and take away your kid- that you are nothing without them etc.-- when the truth is they MAKE you think you are nothing, then blame you for being nothing without them- and voila.
The perfect emotional trap.
Traumatic bonding cannot be underestimated. People who have been raped, held at gunpoint, held hostage can believe they feel a special love bond with their abuser or attacker. It is the brain's way of coping with something to painful and confusing- that it kind of shuts down, bonds with the threat and hopes to survive this way.
You are in a constant survival mode- walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next blow comes. That is no home. That is not love.
Trust your gut- try and separate the worries and concerns about your stepson from the immediate danger of you being hurt and of your daughter growing up in an environment where daddy hits mommy- pins her down, is in her face late at night yelling and raving (and yes, kids DO hear that even if we believe they do not)...
I believe in you. You have a great strength and love for yourself and there is another way to live. Deep down you know that. We are here and understand it is not easy. But it is possible.
I like this saying that goes something like - better a painful end, than a neverending pain -- (i probably got that wrong a bit here hehe) But also the idea of -- picture a big piece of glass in your heel of your foot. It hurts...every step - some days not so so much, others it bleeds and seems unbearable for another second.
If you choose to pull out the piece of glass, it will start bleeding heavily and hurt and you might wish you had not pulled it out....but after some time and healing...what happens is you walk again, painFREE, the skin can close up the wound and maybe there is a tiny, pretty scar left, that reminds you of the pain you so strongly endured.
If you choose to not pull it out, nothing will change. You will find yourself 5 years from now still walking with that open, pounding wound.
Now the time after you leave- if you choose to leave is hard. There is no fairytale about having all those feelings come crashing down. That is a time when you want to have a good therapist/counselor, support groups, anything that helps. You also want to go no contact. This means what it says NO CONTACT. Because like an addict you will crave his attention, his voice, having that 'one last talk after all he deserves (mind you he never gave a shit about you when he had the chance to NOT abuse you)-- and boom, you are back in.
Abusers try everything if they sense you leave. They call cry endless tears, threaten to kill you or your child, blame you for having your stepson 'now taking all the hits since you left and its all your fault'- they say they will kill themselves or make your life hell. Take your baby away. It really goes into all sorts of fantastical ways- sometimes they just cry and beg and beg and say they love you and promise you the world- that they know they have a problem and will get help...but never do.
It is a dangerous time because you are traumatized, deal with the broken pieces of a relationship, have someone stalk you on all channels- and then maybe deal with the legal system.
No wonder so many women have a hard time leaving if you ask me....this all seems like one big bad mountain. The approach though is like with everything that seems big- take it step by step by step.
Then you suddenly see he abused his ex too. I would be curious how his ex died. Not to say he had something to do with it-- but it is not an impossible thought. In the UK 3 women die per week from the hands of a partner or ex partner. Those are the deaths that can be related officially to domestic violence and do not include undiscovered ways.
Stay strong, follow your gut. read up on safety plans for DV victims - reach out to the shelters and if necessary police.
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Post by Caroline on Aug 26, 2014 21:47:46 GMT
Hi Janine,
I can say, I think the glass in your foot analogy is right on. Every day I want out, then something happens and I think, I have to get out of here NOW. But then he apologizes, and things calm down and I think, Maybe it's not so bad. Is it really worth it breaking up the family, separating my daughter from her brother and starting all over again? And then something happens again. I never have to ask myself (anymore) if I want to leave, because I do. I just go back and forth on whether it's worth it. Is it worth it if I end up losing my daughter and my stepson ends up worse off? Everyone says it is, I just need to convince myself, and stay convinced even when things are not so bad at home.
As far as my stepson's mom, she died of cancer. I've seen pictures of her, with no hair when she was going through chemo. She and my husband weren't married, he said it was a college/summer break romance and she moved away before she found out she was pregnant. He only saw her and his son a few times before she died. The maternal grandparents tried to get custody, but they lost.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 27, 2014 15:49:22 GMT
Stay safe and trust your gut....time does miracles sometimes and you are doing a wonderful job at taking all options into consideration and reaching out. Way to go! We will be here no matter what you choose.
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