Post by orange on Aug 14, 2014 22:29:04 GMT
I'm trying to get on with life. I've been distracting a lot - not wanting to be alone for too long. So I try to be around the other ladies living in the house. I currently click with one in particular. She's old enough to be my mum, but we really get on. But distraction is my method at the moment. And it's not really like me - i'm usually the introverted, hide away cause this is too tough type. There are things that NEED to be done, that I've been left with after the split up, that nobody else can do for me. But I wonder if when things slow down, i'll really be in trouble?
Anyway, the distraction doesn't 100% stop the deep pain,sadness,anxiety,fear etc.etc.that crops up a lot. Sometimes I'm having days full of it, others it's off and on. But it's intense. It's times like now. Sitting in my room at 11pm, others in bed. I don't sleep until late and it's usually disturbed sleep.
And it hurts so much. Wondering how he could do it to me. Wondering why. I love that man to pieces. Maybe that's the worst part of all - I still love him and that's my fault. I get times where I want to talk to him, but I know it's pointless. I just get more abuse, more manipulation, things twisted etc. So I don't want him to try to talk to me. I won't allow myself to go backwards.i want a better life. It's over between me and him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I got a few new memories just come to me this morning. One was something that happened by him. I remember it clearly.One was something that was said to me, but I don't know by who. The words just came to my head. I know it was said to me, I just don't remember who or the incident or what age I was. But it something that would be said during abuse. Does that sound crazy?! I'm now scared what more I might remember. I don't know why they came to me this morning. I'd rather go back to being numb.
Anyway, the distraction doesn't 100% stop the deep pain,sadness,anxiety,fear etc.etc.that crops up a lot. Sometimes I'm having days full of it, others it's off and on. But it's intense. It's times like now. Sitting in my room at 11pm, others in bed. I don't sleep until late and it's usually disturbed sleep.
And it hurts so much. Wondering how he could do it to me. Wondering why. I love that man to pieces. Maybe that's the worst part of all - I still love him and that's my fault. I get times where I want to talk to him, but I know it's pointless. I just get more abuse, more manipulation, things twisted etc. So I don't want him to try to talk to me. I won't allow myself to go backwards.i want a better life. It's over between me and him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I got a few new memories just come to me this morning. One was something that happened by him. I remember it clearly.One was something that was said to me, but I don't know by who. The words just came to my head. I know it was said to me, I just don't remember who or the incident or what age I was. But it something that would be said during abuse. Does that sound crazy?! I'm now scared what more I might remember. I don't know why they came to me this morning. I'd rather go back to being numb.
