feel like im over reacting

Hi Butterfly22,

You are most definitively not overreacting. It is neither normal not acceptable to grab someone by the throat and throw them across the room. You have every right to feel threatened because it was very very threatening. He was completely in the wrong.

I know that you feel confused now. Abusers create confusion to better control their victims, like a magic trick. It hides the fact that they are getting what they want. You should think back to before the incident with grabbing and throwing you around and ask yourself: What did he want to obtain by attacking you? Then you should ask yourself if he did actually get whatever it was that he wanted.

If he succeeded in getting his way, then the whole exercise was a success from his point of view. So it is likely that he would do it again and again.

I agree with Orange. You should try to do as much reading as you can on abuse. And try to keep safe.

It's all games. He says he doesn't want to hurt you, then grabs your arm. He wants you to do what you're told and go upstairs when HE says. Because he had to punish you for leaving a toothpaste lid on the floor? Then he says you should split up, but when you agree he begs you not to.

I've had all of that many times in many ways. He done it to me just a little while ago through text - making zero sense and leaving me baffled. Crazymaking. But I'm seeing things more clearly now. If you stick around here and educate yourself on abuse, you will too. It's not easy and I'm still vunerable, but we have to try!

You're not crazy, but he'll make you feel like you are. I feel like I need a straight jacket these days, when he makes any contact/I think back. That's what he will do to you.

Are you thinking anymore about leaving? Maybe going to a shelter?

Hi butterfly22,

He himself is telling you that he is an abuser and that he will never change unless forced to.

If he gets a new girlfriend he will treat her just like you, probably even worse because they tend to escalate with every new victim. She, whoever she might be, is an object of pity, not of envy.

You should focus of your health, physical and mental, first, not on comparing or competing with other people. Think of your safety and well-being, which is severely compromised by the abuse that he is choosing to inflict on you.

Hey you,

I can understand that thought very well. I too used to think "Oh man, WHAT IF I left right when he did change and she is now having the perfect partner???"

Abusers use tactics NONSTOP. This means even the 'nice' periods are planned, applied carefully and have only one purpose- to make you stay, to make you put up with the abuse. The fact he calls potentially new girls 'vaginas'.....does that sound like a caring, normal, GREAT man to you?
In fact I have to say that if you read "Why does he do that" - or "Jerk Radar' THIS is a huge red flag.

Listen to what abusers say. Maybe even read the book "The gift of fear" by Gavin De Becker.
It explains very well how we women NEED to start listening.

We hear horrible things like threats or insulting language towards all women in general ('vagina' is a clear example)-- yet...we STILL think somehow 'he doesn't mean it, he will change, i will miss out on something great"

The only thing you are really missing out on is a safe life, where your partner is not grabbing your throat and shoves you around.
I would not be one bit surprised if once you date a normal, healthy man, you too would NOT insult him or be mean either. Abusers are crazy-making. They push you into a corner and kick you, then if you defend yourself (mind you they are often 2843756 times physically stronger than their women) they show you how YOU yourself are abusive too.

Anything that distracts you from seeing who he really is- is worth a try for him.

Anything that confuses you, makes you question your own thoughts and feelings.

Reach out to free counseling- we can help you find a place. Read the books and articles- surround yourself with people who make you feel good and who treat you with respect. Invest in your career, mental health, safety and peace. Go no contact and cut him out and anyone else who supports him. It is like withdrawal therapy from a dangerous drug.

It is not a coincidence that in average a reported three women die in most developed countries from domestic violence. All it takes is that one time he does not stop at 'just' choking or shoving or leaving bruises.

But I think deep down you intellectually KNOW all this. It is just very, very difficult to FEEL it when you are traumatized and still in contact with the abuser.
It is literally very similar to taking cocaine - the brain changes chemicals due to the traumatic situation and you bond with him- no matter what he says. The only way to break that is to step off that stage he created, take a break and give yourself time to breathe and be yourself again.

"Invisible Heroes" is also a wonderful resource you can read if you are interested in why you still wonder if it is wise to set yourself free.

And to answer the question that haunted me the most back when I left- No. He never ever changes.
He WILL abuse the next girlfriend just like alisay described. She will walk right into that trap just like you did- hoping to have met a charming , nice man.

One thing my therapist once told me when I was literally obsessing about my Ex- or any unhealthy partner really- was....

Do NOT focus on him, how he feels, what he does, why he does it.....
Focus on YOU. How does it make YOU feel?


If it does not feel good and is detrimental to your health, why are you still doing it? I kept asking myself that question. It out me kind of back into the driver's seat of my life too, I stopped being the victim - always waiting for HIM, focusing on HIM, trying to figure HIM out, trying to fix HIM.....

Once it was about me....how I felt, what I dreamed of, what I wanted out of life and love....it was much easier to walk away and stay away.

I did actually also end up contacting two women my Ex dated after me, and one right before me.

EVERY single one of them reported abuse. One even ended up marrying him. He had talked her into it to stay in her country on a visa.
That was years ago. I no longer need to 'research' and focus on what he does- it was enough to know I was not going crazy. He was.

Hang in there. We are always here. Focus on yourself, maybe share a bit the things you love to do, the things you especially did before you dated him.
What was good about that life before him? Just to browse your brain a bit and allow yourself to focus on your own life every now and then.

Abusers make it all about them. That is why when we leave, we feel empty, lost, hopeless, confused.
But we can connect back with that oldest part of us, the part that he could never find or destroy.