mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 13:26:19 GMT
Last night I ended an emotionally abusive and damaging relationship after days of the silent treatment yet again. I know I've done the right thing so why do I now feel tempted to get into my usual pattern of snivelling and begging and pleading? I feel incredibly weak and broken. I feel I was on the verge of a breakdown and I couldn't take anymore but why does it hurt so much that he doesn't seem to care at all? I just want the old me back how is it possible to miss him after all that's happened? I don't want to be tempted to contact him why is it so hard and when will it get easier?
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Aug 4, 2014 15:04:44 GMT
Hi Mel,
Abusers do not really care for the people they abuse. For them they are tools to get what they want, which is usually the pleasure of having someone at their mercy and who they can manipulate to feel good about themselves. Most of them are pitiful, empty shells and the only genuine emotion they can feel is rage, which is what makes them dangerous.
Once they get what they want, they give something back: some pretend kindness or pretend love. It is all false because genuine love seeks the happiness of the other, not to hurt them. That pretend love becomes the only reward that the person they abuse can get, so they become addicted to it, as little as it is, and the loss of that little love feels very bad. But it gets better with time.
There is a little experiment done with rats. They put them in a cage with a container of food that releases a pellet when the rat pushes a lever. Eventually, the rat learns to push the lever when it needs to eat. Then you program the lever to give food only after the rat pushes it two times in a row. The rat also learns that too, so you continue increasing the times the rat has to push the lever to get the same amount of food until you have a rat pushing the lever like crazy twenty, thirty times, to eat a little pellet over and over.
You are not a rat in a cage. There are other sources of love and kindness around you that do not demand your servitude. He cannot manipulate you with his silent treatment if you tell yourself that you deserve better.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 15:30:11 GMT
Thank you for getting back to me. Literally every weekend for months it's been a row that I've somehow had to take responsibility for even when I don't feel it's my fault followed by days of silent punishment and abuse and me begging and pleading for forgiveness. It's quite literally torturous that probably sounds dramatic as it's not physical but it's exhausting and I've become someone I don't even recognise anymore. I just want to build myself back up but have become dependant on him. I feel so lonely.
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Aug 4, 2014 16:33:16 GMT
I know how you feel. My sister is an expert on the "Storming out" followed by "Silent treatment" when thwarted.
I actually enjoy her silences. Not to have to walk on eggshells of fear hearing someone knocking at my door ready to pour their venom into my ears... This is my idea of paradise.
I know that it is difficult, but the more you plead with him, the more you reinforce his behaviour. You are exhausted and you need rest from all the emotional blackmail. I know it is hard, but I would recommend that you walk away and go somewhere safe, a friend or family member's house for a couple of days so that you can relax and think what you want to do next.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 17:59:42 GMT
My gosh that was like reading about my life. Storming our and silent treatment. Punishment and relentless begging. I joined here in case I got tempted to contact him. I don't want to.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Aug 4, 2014 18:27:09 GMT
Hey mel and welcome here,
It IS very tempting to go back to an abusive ex- in fact I have done it myself three times or so, until I left my abusive Ex for good many years ago. Reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft and "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea are two wonderful resources you can try and get yourself occupied with, while you go through "withdrawal."
Leaving is actually the hardest time as most people assume "she left=so she is fine now" when really this is the most dangerous time for a woman. Not only do many abusers go to great length to get you back or even hurt/kill you, if they are very abusive- but even if they 'pretend they do not care' - you STILL suffer, sit with all those broken memories and it feels as if your entire world collapsed and nothing makes sense.
Because it DOES not make sense. Abusers use and confuse you- and when you are able to get rid of them- and/or they move on to a new and easier target - the new girlfriend- you are left with a relationship that was built on control and manipulation. It is very hard to come to terms with it as you never ever get 'closure'- you just learn slowly to love yourself more, accept you had chosen an abuser, heal yourself by attending therapy and reading about the topic-- and most importantly also understand WHY and HOW you chose this man, to avoid repeating this in the future.
Just know none of this was your fault and you did not cause him to be abusive. He was abusive before he met you, he WILL abuse the next girlfriend. His non-contacting and silent treatment is his choice of abuse right now- and you CAN get through this and go no contact.
Get a new number, new facebook, new email. Block him on all channels, even indirect ones like friends he has who might be on his side or even neutral. You do not need any of that while you heal and rebuild your life.
It IS possible to get over them, to move on, to not let it hurt you or bother you. I barely ever think of my Ex- now years on, and not even when I write about him. It is more like a memory, - something you share but it has no effect on your life now in the present moment.
And really leaving an abuser can be very much so compared to leaving an addiction to alcohol or drugs. The time right after going into heavy withdrawal is hard- sometimes only possible if you have support in form of a good counselor by your side. Then with more time and more active healing like therapy and filling your life with happy, positive and healthy people- you slowly grow resilient to abuse and keep it out of your life.
Many former victims of abuse who manage to build a radar- report once they got through one abusive relationship, had therapy and learned all about it, they could 'sniff' out abusers in the future very, very fast and stay away from them.
Hang in there, post whatever and whenever you feel like it here. We understand!!! There was a time I would post here instead of emailing my ex- or somehow sabotaging my own healing by trying to find him online or get his number-even fater I had changed mine and blocked his etc.....
You are not alone and whatever you feel or do is a very normal reaction to trauma.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 19:14:08 GMT
Thank you. I just feel daft cos he's never physically hit me. So it took me ages to seek advice and get verified I was being abused. I need building up. I was a confident girl, single mum but worked full time, strong. Within 4 months with him if changed. My friends were concerned so I started hiding the weekly silent treatment instead of venting thus isolating myself. Is the silent treatment damaging to all or AM I being dramatic? I just want ME back. But I feel fragile. He physically assaulted me once and apologised the next day saying he had more respect for me cos I'd 'stood up for myself' and smacked him. I was ashamed but he said he goaded me purposely and hD a new found respect ids stood up for myself instead of being my usual doormat self! Is that normal?? He also lifts my skirt up in the street, grabs my nipples and then gets in a mood if I say to stop it. My heads a mess
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 19:14:59 GMT
When I say gets in a mood I mean acts hurt and says I don't want him.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Aug 4, 2014 19:24:25 GMT
It is NOT normal what he does. None of it is normal. He is abusive and what you describe is very typical and serious abusive behavior.
You do not need a black eye or broken arm in order to be abused. The feelings you describe and the lack of confidence and certain sense of hopelessness are ALL typical consequences of having a relationship with an abuser.
Deep down I think you know this, and you also know the answer to that inner voice which longs to be 'your old self'- You will not get there if you keep him in your life. Abusers do not change.
The denial I mentioned can be clearly seen when you ask yourself if you are being 'dramatic'- something he WANTS you to feel so that he can do whatever he wants, when he wants it. To sexually approach you against your will in PUBLIC is also sexual abuse. He uses the fact you are probably too ashamed to make it a big deal- to keep on doing it. If you were to yell out loud: Stop this right now, it is sexual harassment!-- He would probably use that against you as well and pretend YOU are at fault. So you never win with him, one way or the other.
The fact he claimed to have more respect because you stood up for yourself- is such a sick statement in itself.
If I were to tell you my current partner did this to me - what would you think and what would you tell me? (You do not have to answer this - just for yourself give it a thought for a second if that feels comfortable)
Living for longer periods of time in a relationship with an abuser is literally 'crazy-making'- and many women report they felt as if they lost their mind or had gone insane. Only to realize once they cut the abuser out of their life, their old self emerged back and they felt very good and balanced again.
Have you contacted a counselor? If you cannot afford one, women's shelters and other hotlines can offer free counseling, which can be a lifeline while you work your way through the post-leaving period.
It DOES get better if you push through and go no contact. There are a ton more good articles on our website on it too-maybe reading them all helps you to calm your mind down for today and take it day by day, hour by hour if you must.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 19:38:50 GMT
I feel crazy. I text him earlier saying how I felt and I got a message saying ow always the victim u talk crap etc etc. I'm sick of begging and crying and feeling punished. The other week in I met him in a pub after being out with my mates for a meal and his best mate showed up 5 mins after and it was 'weird' we had turned up so close together. I get accused of sleeping with his mates all the time. If we went out I daren't look at or engage in conversation with his mates. But he'd never never say anything to them I believe cos he knew it was ridiculous?
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Aug 4, 2014 19:51:27 GMT
Silence treatment is abusive. Humans are the most sociable creatures in this planet. We create social structures more complicated than any other species and communication is the key to our survival. That is why the silent treatment is so bad.
Parents of autistic children suffer not because of their child's cognitive problems, but because of the lack of contact.
In a prison, the highest form of punishment is isolation.
We all need some peace and quiet, and to be left alone at times. But to be denied of social intercourse also goes contra natura. That is why it hurts so much.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 19:57:50 GMT
I am so glad I've found people who understand. I hate being tempted to contact him it's my usual pattern of behaviour. But that's when he freezes me out. I actually ended it last night. Just feels so strange. I guess I just couldn't take anymore. It's sooooo good being able to talk and be understood. I love him but I'm so unhappy does that make any sense
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Aug 4, 2014 20:13:59 GMT
Abusers do not have to make sense. Creating confusion in your mind is also part of the abuse. It is so absurd that your logical brain refuses to accept it and you begin to think that something must be wrong with YOU, when in fact is them all along.
My sister is perfectly capable of telling me 2 things that are exact opposites within 15 minutes (by exact opposites I mean things like "your writing is ugly", then "your writing is pretty"). When confronted, she denies saying the previous sentence.
My sister is an expert at Troll Logic: "Oh!, You did not like the book on Chakra Meditation that I recommended? Well, it is normal since you have problems living with other people"
My sister knows me better than I know myself. If I tell her that the shoes that I am trying chafe my toes, she insist that it is impossible because she has tried them and they do not chafe her toes, so I must be wrong.
Did any of that make sense? Welcome to my world!
This is why this place is so good, because when I write here what is happening and then read it I get proper perspective. And for the support, of course.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 20:18:55 GMT
It's amazing to be able to vent. So if I get the urge to contact him I just need to push through?x
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Aug 4, 2014 20:44:28 GMT
Always good to run situations you are not sure about by other people who understand the talk of manipulating abusers.
And yes, the only way to get away from his abuse and your pattern of 'learned helplessness' and 'repetition compulsion' is to pull through. Even better with a counselor and the other suggested resources we mentioned above. It DOES get easier, even if right now it must seem that it will never be normal again.
If you think of a drug addict, that is in many ways how you are feeling right now. You crave that 'quick fix'- the temporary relief from your pain you feel right now if you do make contact and might even have another few days/weeks/months with him. But like a drug, you only HAVE the problem BECAUSE of him. So like a cocaine addict, you probably logically already know that if you keep running for the drug-that is this dysfunctional man, you will end up feeling worse and worse over time.
By learned helplessness/compulsion repetition and 'drug addict'- I am just using some technical terms to describe what is going on in your mind most likely right now. It does NOT mean you want to act like a victim or cause this. NOT AT ALL!
it is NOT your fault. It really is NOT your fault. Say that out loud to yourself- as many times as you have to: This is NOT my fault.
You only adapted over time slowly to his abuse, hoping 'if only i do this or that, if only i take all the responsiblity on me, it will get better." Then you keep going back to the same thing, over and over and over again- compulsive repetition- only to get the same ending to the same story.Each time unconsciously hoping THIS TIME I will "get it right" and make it work and the outcome will be different! And...it never is.
Which then leads you to feel helpless- something HE created, something he wants you to feel- because what do you do when you feel helpless? You let him treat you abusively, accepting whatever comes your way.
And then...he can point at you and say: look...you choose to be a victim. You are at fault for how you feel.
In a way- it is a self fulfilling prophecy. Because he set you up from the start to BE a victim- yet blames you for it.
It is as if I were walking up to you and slapped you. Then you cry, and I point my finger at you and say: see....you always play victim.
You would think iam out of my mind and crazy if i did this. So of course he too waited slowly, introduced more and more abuse to the relationships and slowly changed from charming and kind to abusive.
get your hands on "Why does he do that" by lundy brancroft and "jerk radar" by steve mccrea.
Good books- they explain a ton more and help you get your mind back balanced.
we are always here if you need to vent. let it out if that feels right. I did it myself many years ago.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Aug 4, 2014 20:47:49 GMT
Also, if you DO contact him or even go back- do NOT feel guilty. Guilt and toxic, misplaced shame are the No. 1 tools of an abuser. He WANTS you to feel guilty. He wants you to feel at fault.
No need to feel that anymore- especially with us!
This is a safe place, we understand abuse. It does make you do crazy stuff. It is really just your mind trying to cope with a crazy person. But until that has settled deep into your soul and heart, you will keep wondering if YOU are causing this and you might be wrong.
deep breaths, lot of water, if possible avoid alcohol during this time as it is a depressant and usually makes stuff worse- do some sports, healthy food and all that good stuff. Your body is your ally and all of the pampering of the self helps you to slowly love yourself again,- and love yourself as much as you can! You deserve it. It is not selfish.
In fact, if we all loved ourselves more, we would not fall for abusers in the first place. Often times once you do have a therapist- you might find out how there are things from your childhood etc. that played into you choosing a man like this.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. There IS a healthier way of life than suffering from this man.
deep down you know this already.
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Aug 4, 2014 20:48:15 GMT
I am in the process of going away from an abusive relationship with my sister. I had a confrontation with her and her husband last Saturday when they teamed up to tell me what a horrible person I was since I was going to deny them in the future access to my daughter. When I told them that I was not going to continue raising her in this dysfunctional environment, I was cruel, selfish, ungrateful, and the ultimate cause of all dysfunction, while they were totally blameless. One month ago I would have lost it. Last Saturday, after discussing for about a minute and seeing that I was not making any headway, I shrugged and went back inside my house and to type in this forum.
I am feeling calm, in control, determined to continue with my plans. A bit too obsessed still (I have replayed the latest argument in my head like 20 times!) but it gets better.
So yes, you can make it.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 21:16:51 GMT
It's so amazing to know I'm not alone and not nuts. I actually woke my daughter up last night and told her u r gonna b proud of me. She is 10. That's how pathetic I've become. I've found myself saying to her in the past 'just let it go u know what he's like' . How I detest myself now for it. Friends have said when I'm with them 'u r so preoccupied with Danny' cos I'm checking in. The worst for me was being with him and not being able to talk to anyone in depth as I was an outgoing person. Or someone saying hey I saw mel at the shop and him asking who were u with and it's be my bro in law. I've had to stop contact with male friends of 20 years cos 'it makes him uncomfortable'. But he twists it like I'm the crazy one and makes me wonder if I am. I've done well tonight it's been 10 hrs I've not text or said anything. It's the longest ever. How pathetic I should think that's a triumph. Makes me so cross with myself. Not him. Me.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 4, 2014 22:16:28 GMT
You guys are really fantastic. It's like you've taken all my disorganised crazy thoughts and let me put them in order. I've had a friend here tonight to distract me and she's been brill. I was once the one who held court and made everyone laugh and now I'm distracted and anxious all the time. Luckily I have only a small circle of good friends and none of then have given up on me. I approach my first night without him and no contact. Thank you.
|
|
mel
Member
Posts: 12
|
Post by mel on Aug 5, 2014 8:43:27 GMT
I'm really struggling today I've been texting him this mining is this normal?? Why am I doing this to myself? I know I've done the right thing so why is it so hard right now when I felt strong yesterday? Please someone advice me before I go crazy and into 'stalker' mode
|
|