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Post by lozzy4859 on Jul 21, 2014 20:40:00 GMT
Hello im a 54yr old mum and nana and am being emotionally abused by my 37yr old daughter. Its been going on for over 20yrs. It stems from her not knowing her father because he walked out on us when she was about 14mts old. All her adult life she has blamed me for his absence and no matter how I have explained the truth she has always blamed me. Its mostly mental and emotional abuse but she has also been violent towards me. She has 2 children whom I adore and have helped look after from babies while she and her partner worked.she tries to control me in everything that I do, she had a big fall out with her brother over 2yrs ago, he's not spoken to her since because of her behaviour and how she treats me. Well I now get the blame for that too. She makes my life hell when I see her brother and his children so much so I've resorted to doing it in secret. I dread him inviting me anywhere in case she finds out. She went mad when I went to the zoo with him. Her latest attack on me was this last week and today. The reason because I went to the beach with my son, my punishment this time is im not allowed to see her children in her words I am dead to them and her. Im not allowed on any family event. I take my grandson playing rugby hes 9 and she knows I love that, well im not allowed to go watching him anymore. She actually on the phone today told my 9yr old grandson I wished he was dead. She has bombarded me all afternoon with abusive texts putting me down, telling me how pathetic I am. She found out my 13yr old grandson called to see me and she grounded him! An ex partner got in touch and we decided to give it another go, I live on my own so why not? From the start she tried to wreck my relationship with him. She said as long as im seeing him I wasn't allowed to see my grandchildren. He was living 300 miles away and we had the odd weekend and phonecalls, but she still put me through hell. One day she barged in to my home and started removing her childrens photos from the frames while throwing the frames on the floor. I was hysterical crying, she said I couldn't have any pictures of her children while I was seeing him. I ran in my bedroom phoned my friend and she came round and give her a good talking to. She's a very good actress and turned on the crocodile tears and started blaming me to my friend about her dad and it being my fault. The pattern is always the same. I am no longer with my ex, I became very ill and was hospitalised last year for a month. I was diagnosed with vasculitis with no cure, I had chemo for 6 months and im on regular medication for it. Stress brings on symptoms and I feel unwell after todays falling out with her. The end of my story is she made contact with her father after 35yrs in 2012, a fairy tale ending for her, he lives in canada and is quiet wealthy, in fact he is putting her through uni. He has told her the story and told her to stop blaming me for everything, she left me alone for a year but now its all started again, always threatening she is taking my grandchildren to live in canada and can't wait to get away from me now she has her dad. She's demanding I sign papers to get rid of her birth name, and even speaking ill of my parents who are both dead. I told her I would ring her dad if she carries on she said she would kill me if I ruined things with him. Her brother moved out because of her but recently came back, but the way things are going I can see him leaving again. I think this is what she's trying to do then im on my own again. Anyway I've told her today I will not have anything to do with her untill she gets help, she fits the symptoms of a personality disorder of some kind, can't carry on like this. Advise please. Thanks
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 22, 2014 12:35:39 GMT
Hey lozzy4859, it sounds like your daughter definitely has manipulated you and everyone around her in the past. It also sounds like she has a pattern of hurting people and then moving on to destroy the next person. I would not be surprised if her biological father regrets having her in Canada very soon and she might come knocking back on your door then. Abusers are good at changing tactics.
Is there any way you can find a good counselor in your area to work through those things? The only way to deal with people like that is to set clear boundaries, detach with love and protect yourself. I would agree with you it sounds like there are more serious underlying issues with her- but only a mental health professional could attempt to make a diagnosis and help her. Nobody else can do that....
Detaching with love means you can still love someone- as it might be too hard to release a relationship with a parent or child 100% all together- and you do care a lot about your grandchildren (who will most likely need you a LOT in the future as emotional support because I bet my left arm they suffer from their mother's behavior the most out of all people around her sadly...)
You can google "detach with love" and see what the internet has to offer there- one website that carries the same name, detach with love, was very helpful to me when I wanted to understand that concept. Originally all of that was 'invented' for family members of drug addicts or alcoholics, but nowadays most therapists agree you can apply "detaching with love" for any dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship - when it would be healthier for you to keep distance.
Some people might call it 'tough love' too- letting someone else hit rock bottom and stopping to enabling that person to continue to abuse or use you for example.
hang in there...involve support from the outside, much like you did here!!! And let us know what else we can do for you. One thing that concerns me are her death threats "if you tell him about it" - meaning her father- that is NOT ok no matter who the person is who says it. You could actually call a domestic violence hotline for that- just to check what options they have for free counseling etc. if you cannot afford regular counseling. Domestic violence goes beyond romantic relationships and includes violence between parent and child as well.
It sounds like she could possibly be dangerous if provoked- so having a therapist by your side to strengthen yourself and work on your own healing, might be a good start for now.
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Post by alisay on Jul 22, 2014 15:19:07 GMT
Hi Lozzy,
I am sorry to hear of you troubles with your daughter. I also have an abusive family member (my sister) and I know how difficult it is to deal with it. But it looks like you have a son that supports you and my be able to help you to deal with the emotional healing needed.
If you feel strong enough, you should go to a counsellor. I am looking at options for that myself and I wish that my mum would do that as well, although I fear that she is to old to accept that something like talking to a stranger about family problems could be of any help (except perhaps her priest?).
It would be hard on you and the grandchildren, but I agree with Janine that you need to keep your distance with your daughter and her family for the time being. Your health is compromised and you need all your strength. Maybe it would help if you write a diary about what you feel for your grandchildren, as a way of keeping in contact with them even if you are not able to talk to them directly. It might also help them understand maybe in the future that you are not leaving them because you do not love them, but because you needed to stop being hurt to be able to heal.
I hope that this helps.
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Post by lozzy4859 on Jul 22, 2014 16:43:53 GMT
Thank you for your replies. After a full day of abuse yesterday, this morning she phoned trying to smooth things over, holding out an olive branch as she out it. She wanted us to have lunch out to talk, needless to say I didn't accept the invitation and calmly told her I didn't want to see her. Then the guilt trip started, your grandson misses you but if you don't want to see him fine! She always twists everything back to being my fault so classic behaviour of a bully or abuser. Like I said yesterday I adore my grandchildren but I stuck to my guns today . She phoned my house but I fid not answer. Tomorrow I am going out with friends for the day and I am going for a weekend away with my son in a couple of weeks, I have decided I WILL NOT!! let her control me any more. Like you point out I need time to heal, at the moment I can't even bare to look at her, and my feelings im afraid are no longer there for her. I lost my parents within 14 months of each other, I have no partner I live for my family especially my grandchildren but my daughter is destroying everthing for me. Thanks again.
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Post by lozzy4859 on Jul 22, 2014 17:03:31 GMT
Alisay I really do sympathise with you, it is like you say very hard to deal with because after all no one expects a close member of their own family to turn on them its the ultimate betrayal. She was such a lovely little girl who had a good upbringing, and we have had a good relationship inbetween all the trauma, she can be an angel when she wants to be and I end up forgiving her ( but never forget), we've gone nearly a year this time, then bang it starts again. Its terrible verbal mental, emotional abuse by phone, text, coming to my house absolutely sick to the back teeth of it. I feel like running away when it starts, at my time of life I just want a quiet life.
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Post by alisay on Jul 23, 2014 4:36:56 GMT
Hi Lozzy, My sister can also be charming and I end up forgiving her, only to start again in the roller-coaster a few weeks later (or even hours!). It does not compensate the few moments of happiness with the days of anguish that she provokes when she needs her catharsis regardless of others. She is also (apparently) very generous with everybody, especially her friends, but I am beginning to realize that she is generous only when she is doing something that she wants or likes. When you ask her for something that you actually need, she makes excuses or plays with you telling you how inconvenient it is, and if she finally does it, she makes you pay later with abuse and constant reminders of her generosity. She sometimes uses her "generosity" as a weapon. For example, she buys things for my daughter that I specifically have told her NOT to buy, either because they are not appropriate, convenient or because I had planned a trip for us together to do the buying, so that she spoils our mother-daughter bonding moments. It doesn't matter how many times I say NO, she ignores me and does it anyway. I have come to understand that her presents are not real generosity but a control tool and that she always extracts the price somehow. I do so wish that I had a sister that would respect me and my boundaries and with whom I could have a normal conversation without having to constantly look out for what I say, either because she takes offense or because she would store it in her brain and use it to humiliate me later on.
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