Post by sadsmileyface on Jul 20, 2014 3:28:19 GMT
Hi
This is not intended as a cry for help. I am not looking for analysis or pity. I had a bad night, worse than usual (but admittedly not worse than done others).
I know I don't have it so bad. But it helped to write this down, to keep me grounded. So I did.
Tonight he was out of order.
He hit me.
He gave me a black eye.
He called me a fat ginger cunt.
He told me I didn't deserve anything, that anything I ever achieved was due to him, including the house.
He told me I made people afraid: my mother, him, my boss.
He told me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.
He told me my sniveling was pathetic.
He tried to make me the aggressor. I never lifted my hands apart from when I covered my face.
I went it the spare room. He followed. I went downstairs. He followed. The dog was my only comfort. I fear for the dogs own safety.
He wants to make me small.
He came to me and asked if I was going to leave him. I tried to pretend I was asleep. He shook me till I answered. I said "No.". He asked why. I said "I love you" through tears. He said "just you remember that" and slammed the door. He stormed around the house talking to himself, as if we were having a conversation, as if I were using him. I was happy he was away from me.
He put down the deposit on the house. I owe him that. I will never be free or safe until that debt is repaid.
This is not the end. This is not the last of this.
Im heavier than him. I'm stronger than him. I'm smarter than him. If I had to defeat him physically, then I could- but something pulls me back. Something, some sense of right and wrong or fair play compels me to withdraw, to be like the turtle, safe in my shell.
I grew up in a house where I was threatened, where I poured my resources and was dismissed as a worthless drain. I was safe here, in my own house. He has compromised my security. I'm that trapped, scared helpless boy in the house again. I don't want to be, I want it be strong and independant. I want to be alone. I've been with him for 14 years. I don't even know if he would let me.
I will survive.
This is not intended as a cry for help. I am not looking for analysis or pity. I had a bad night, worse than usual (but admittedly not worse than done others).
I know I don't have it so bad. But it helped to write this down, to keep me grounded. So I did.
Tonight he was out of order.
He hit me.
He gave me a black eye.
He called me a fat ginger cunt.
He told me I didn't deserve anything, that anything I ever achieved was due to him, including the house.
He told me I made people afraid: my mother, him, my boss.
He told me I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.
He told me my sniveling was pathetic.
He tried to make me the aggressor. I never lifted my hands apart from when I covered my face.
I went it the spare room. He followed. I went downstairs. He followed. The dog was my only comfort. I fear for the dogs own safety.
He wants to make me small.
He came to me and asked if I was going to leave him. I tried to pretend I was asleep. He shook me till I answered. I said "No.". He asked why. I said "I love you" through tears. He said "just you remember that" and slammed the door. He stormed around the house talking to himself, as if we were having a conversation, as if I were using him. I was happy he was away from me.
He put down the deposit on the house. I owe him that. I will never be free or safe until that debt is repaid.
This is not the end. This is not the last of this.
Im heavier than him. I'm stronger than him. I'm smarter than him. If I had to defeat him physically, then I could- but something pulls me back. Something, some sense of right and wrong or fair play compels me to withdraw, to be like the turtle, safe in my shell.
I grew up in a house where I was threatened, where I poured my resources and was dismissed as a worthless drain. I was safe here, in my own house. He has compromised my security. I'm that trapped, scared helpless boy in the house again. I don't want to be, I want it be strong and independant. I want to be alone. I've been with him for 14 years. I don't even know if he would let me.
I will survive.