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Post by allbluedave on Jul 4, 2014 9:49:39 GMT
Hi all. im new to the forum so i hope im posting this in the right place.to cut a long story short. im a guy thats been in a violent relationship for over ten years. i have 3 kids aged 3.4 and six and and was forced into a marriage that i didnt want to happen.the only reasons ive stuck around was for the kids sake but now its got to the point where i just cant take the abuse no more. is there any more guys going through the same thing?
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 4, 2014 22:10:46 GMT
Hi, Dave!
We have had a few guys posting, but it's really not all that different. The tactics can change, but the basics are the same: dishonesty, blame, manipulation, broken promises, and anything she can do to get or keep you under her control.
I'm not a survivor myself but have worked with survivors for over 25 years. You're welcome to post about your experience, and we'll all do what we can to help.
Are you living with her right now?
---- Steve
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Post by allbluedave on Jul 9, 2014 21:26:57 GMT
cheers steve.yes im living with her and the three kids atm but she has me over a barrel as she is in charge of money so i get very little as she spends most of the household income on two horses that she puts before me and many other things. i know that sounds silly but it just infuriates me as sometimes we go without everyday things because of it. she has a borderline personality disorder that has got worse over the years.as long as shes getting her own way shes fine but if i say or do or think something she dont like she kicks off. she usualy keeps a lid on it so nobody knows what shes like but one day she hit me in the street in front of her friend who she has now fell out with. im just cant take this no more. when she gets angry she threatens to smash or throw my stuff out the door/window.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 9, 2014 21:40:07 GMT
Hi allbluedave, I hope joining the forum can help you, it has really helped me deal with leaving my abusive relationship
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 11, 2014 1:06:28 GMT
OK, good start. So how is it she is in control of the money? Does she earn it herself, or do you earn it and put it in an account she controls, or do you both earn money? It sounds like right off the bat that control of money is a big issue. Maybe there is a way to regain some of that control.
Let's say that she in some way felt she was losing control of the money - what would she do? Is she just loud and argumentative, or does she get physically violent? HAs she hurt you or the kids (if you have any)? Does she just threaten to throw your stuff or does she actually do it?
It does not sound silly to be upset about not having any control of finances. Finances in our society mean freedom to do things. It's a great way to control someone, by preventing them from having any disposable income.
Having some of this info will help me know what to suggest.
Also, does anyone else know about this? Have you talked to anyone? Does she ever take out her feelings on anyone/anything else, including the horses? Have you tried leaving before?
You don't need to answer if you're not comfortable - just getting an idea of the situation. Share what feels comfortable, and perhaps we can make some suggestions, or at least clarify maybe some reasons things are going the way they are.
Looking forward to your next post.
---- Steve
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Post by allbluedave on Jul 11, 2014 15:41:18 GMT
Hey Steve. No she don't hurt the kids.i wouldn't let her for a start.i get money but get very little.im a carer for her but her behaviour is getting worse and in getting to the point where what shes doing/saying is effecting me in all aspects.my mam died 6 years ago and she almost stopped me going to the funeral as i didn't want her there as my mam hated her. She doesn't take it out on the horses. She loves them to much. Shes allways telling me to drop dead and many other things. I.know im been used as a taxi and also for the various benefits we get. I cant work because i have to look after the kids and her. I have no friends as she stops me going out although i have been going out at least once a week lately which is nothing really. If she knows i have money she will either take it from my wallet and and not tell me or spend it for me when i don't want to.i.just don't know what to do. Everything is controlled. Even down to eating. I usually get grilled if i make something to eat without asking. Its just insane.
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steve
Member
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Post by steve on Jul 14, 2014 4:03:24 GMT
So can you take a little bit of that money and start squirreling it away for later, so you can make plans to escape? Do you have anywhere you can go where you can safely stay for a while - friends, family, old acquaintances, preferably at some distance away? You don't have to make plans right now, but you can start fantasizing about what is possible. What do mean when you say you're a carer for her - you mean for the kids, or that she is disabled in some way.
You are right, this behavior is insane, and it's calculated to drive YOU insane. But it is possible to get away. Many others have done it, despite feeling as trapped and hopeless as you feel right now. It starts with believing it's possible, or at least entertaining the possibility.
An important question, though, is this: what stops you from going? Not just logistically, but emotionally. If you had all the necessary resources to leave tomorrow, what would make you not want to go? If you can honestly answer that question, there is a good chance we can start working on some solutions.
Take it a day at a time, but start thinking about what escaping from her might look like. It could not only save your life, but the lives of your kids. Think of what it must be like for them to see this! We now know scientifically that observing a parent being abused does just as much harm as being abused yourself as a child. It is very damaging to them. So if you can't motivate yourself for your own benefits, try to do it for them. It starts with a dream, and then you start working out the details one by one, and then one day, you DO IT. Ask around - lots of people here have done the same. You can, too.
I hope that helps. Keep writing - I'd love to know some answers to a few of those questions.
---- Steve
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