My nightmare

Hey faad,

What Finally free said is very good and she is right on about other support options. You can call a domestic violence hotline and see if they have similar programs like "Safer Families" which seems to be really good from what I hear from Finally free. The DV shelters often also offer free counseling, help with supervision for your kids while you do receive counseling and if your kids need counseling as well, they often provide for that too.

Let me say you showed a LOT of courage and grit and worked so hard to get away from this nightmare. You can be very proud of your hard work and determination!
We are here if you want to share your stories and feel like it helps to have an ear. I know many women have been through what you have been and we have had a lot of terrible abuse stories shared with us here. It will also help others who are not free yet to read about women who did break away and even though the road is not easy at all, it is the ONLY road to real freedom and a safe, peaceful life.

Are you now feeling safe in terms of nobody could tell him where you are? (Please also do not share where you live in detail on this board as it is a public forum. I doubt he would find it but just in case it is always best to stay anonymous if you fear you are being searched for by an ex abuser)

I am sure a local shelter could help you feel better and safe- and if you moved far away enough that alone can help a ton. Most abusers do move on to 'easier' victims once they realize you are really gone for good. They want control, if you cannot be the victim, he will find another woman to abuse.

For the panic attacks and anxiety I think maybe talking to a doctor could speed up the process of getting a counselor via your insurance. You have been through serious! trauma and sometimes it helps to push more and demand the system to work for you. I know in my home country in Europe it is hard to get counseling via the public health insurance as well and it takes ages....(what is the point then right???) but if you show that there are serious circumstances that affect your health every day, your general practitioner should be able to work with you and speed up the process.

Depending on your budget sometimes it can also help to read more books - but it all is about YOU now. If YOU feel comfortable reading books about trauma to get a better understanding and not feel so alone with it, then read. If not, please do not feel like you have to do anything that does not feel right. It is all now about what makes you feel ok in your gut and heart. A few books I can recommend are:

Invisible Heroes- by Belleruth Naparstek
Why does he do that- by Lundy Bancroft
Trauma and Recovery- Judith Hermann

The "Invisible Heroes" one is especially suited for women like you, who have to be HEROES every day. Get up for their kids, no matter what. Function, no matter what.
The other books inform about trauma and abuse in general and also explain why you feel the way you do and suggest ideas how you can help yourself better in day to day life.

For me personally, while I was scared to death my Ex would find me, I listened to a ton of "Guided Imagery" therapy audio files. The therapist Belleruth Naparstek developed this method and the US military for example uses her "surviving trauma" or "helpful sleep", "anxiety/panic attacks" audio files to help soldiers in the field in war zones or traumatized veterans back home to heal from trauma.

The files are not that expensive- and once you have a counselor you can also ask him/her to record two or so for you that you pick. (The scripts for those are also in the back of "Invisible Heroes") My counselor did that and she was specialized in trauma survivors. You can google the author's name and will come across her website easily. This therapy is recognized by the American Medical Associations and the therapist who recommended me this method has a phd from a very good university and was at that time (2010) saying this was one of the most helpful additional tools for trauma survivors. I have to agree. Ideally of course you want to combine this as soon as possible with professional counseling.

For the rest- the practical tips I received in counseling were things I had a hard time with first, but they soon made sense:

- drinks LOTS of water and green tea. Your body is under constant stress and will burn through more water than usually
- try and sleep as much as you can (there is also a "restful sleep" guided imagery)
- cut down on coffee as much as you can. Caffeine steers up the system and can cause more anxiety

-BREATHE. That one was hard for me.
Sit down. gently close your eyes if that is comfortable. If not, leave them open. Take a deep, slow breath in. Count to 4 while you breathe in (at least 4) and then breathe out slowly and deeply. (count until 6- it is important to breathe out a bit longer than the inbreath)

Repeat that breathing, slowly, calmly, deeply. Say in your mind or out loud while you breathe:

I am breathing in.

I am breathing out.

It is ok to have thoughts rush into your mind. They will stay away once you keep saying out loud : I am breathing in. I am breathing out.

This is a method I got from the book called "Passage Meditation" by Thich Naht Hahn. The book is a very easy guide for anyone who would like more mindfulness in their life to be in the present moment and battle those racing thoughts and fear and worries. I can also highly recommend it.

For now.....the breathing might be the first step you can do whenever you have a minute after the kids are in bed, before they wake up and...whenever during your day you can, BREATHE. For one breathing is important anyways, but it also is proven to reduce the heart rate, calm your nervous system (which is right now just working overtime due to your experiences)

I also found it helped me to take 20 minute walks every day. In nature if possible....if you feel comfortable. A cat or dog (if it is a calm animal) can also help reduce stress and support serotonin (happy hormone) in your body.


Deep breaths, hang in there. You did so well so far!!!!

We are always here. Thank you for sharing!

I feel that way too, although it does get easier i still 'see' him everywhere...I suffer panic attacks too...but it does get much easier...keep going.