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Jun 21, 2014 5:28:29 GMT
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Post by orange on Jun 21, 2014 5:28:29 GMT
Hey. I used to post here under a different username. I feel more comfortable changing names though. I was in an abusive relationship before and the old forum was a God send! Anyway... I left that relationship and very soon met my current SO. It was perfect. We have a bond I've never had with anyone before. I love him with all of my heart. I believe he loves me too. But he lets his mental health problems take over sometimes. He is VERY insecure and jealous. He thinks he's ugly, got a bad body etc. But I seriously think he's gorgeous and always tell him. I've never said anything bad about his apparence. But I guess he just doesn't see it.But one day he realised he was being abusive towards me. He said he had seen the light. The jealousy and meaness stopped for a good 5 months ish I think. Our relationship was great again, we were best friends again. But then someone decided to mess with us. They sent my SO a message on a social network site. I won't say what it said, but it was rude. It triggered insecurites that he has about someone in my past. That is thd person he's most jealous of. He thinks he's nothing compared to him, evdnthough I always tell him that's not true. I don't care about the guy and only had a one night type thing. I knew something was up with SO, but he would make excuses for his mood. But he made a few sarcastic comments, I knew he wasn't telling me something. He then spilled it out. He didm't tell me 'cause he didn't want to worry me. But he became quite nasty that night. Asking me lots of questions over and over, calling me names like who** etc,cutting himself etc. and atlough he didn't hit me he was close up enough to scare me. I told him I think he's being selfish. I'm worried about this message, cause there's bedn others in the past and it's someone who knows a bit about me, it feels starkerish. He thinks I'm being selfish too. I don't know. He reminded me of the times where he was so mean sometimes. I'm worried it's goung to be like that again. Last night he wrote me a letter saying sorry for his part. I just don't want it going back to how it was. But he says he always punishes himself every day for it. I told him he needs some help and he agrees. But when I ask him why he hasn't looked for help, he gets upset and says he doesn't know! I don't want him hitting me, calling me names, threatening me etc again. I'm dreading sleeping because I HATE how he used to wake me up with the shock of some kind of abusive action. He said I don't help him, but I don't know how! I try, honestly I do! I know i'm probably a below average person, but I do try. How do I know if he's changing back? He was doing so well, we were doung so well. I don't want to leave him. Firstly because I love him. Secondly because I have nobody. I have issues with family and I'm pretty sure my own mother hates me and we're not talking. I have Agoraphobia and rely on him. I don't even go out, he does everything for me.I couldn't manage without him. And also he has one up on me. I can't talk about it, but I'd never want him to tell anybody a certain something about me. I love him anyway. Maybe I'm being unfair and it was just a one off step back? Thanks for reading, any input is welcome.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 21, 2014 14:43:03 GMT
Hey Orange and welcome back,
I am glad you found us again!
What I am hearing is that you suspect your current, new partner might be abusive too and I can clearly see red flag and warning signs that he indeed has an abusive personality. He has hit you in the past and called you names? Waking you up at night to confuse you with some kind of abusive action? That sounds to me right on like the typical abuser strategies.
One thing I think you could do- even if he does not get help for his mental health problems- would be to get help for yourself. Maybe seeing a counselor (They also come to your home if you have Agoraphobia)could help you starting to live a life more independent. Right now it sounds like believe everything depends 100% on him. That is a scary thought -especially when he gets physically and emotionally abusive.
I am sure there are Agoraphobia helplines too or at least counselors who have experience with it, who you could call. It sounds like you have a very serious case of it if you do not leave the house at all. Only a professional can help you grow stronger and build resilience to the phobia. There is a way out and people learn to overcome those phobias with help!
There is nothing unfair about wanting to live in safety and expecting to be treated like a human being from your partner. You do not ask for much!
Thank you for sharing and you did really well in describing and analyzing his behavior and the situation.
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Post by Finally free on Jun 21, 2014 23:50:29 GMT
Hi Orange, I hope you will have the strength to leave the abuse, I can relate to all of your story, being woken up during the night, jealousy, threatening behaviour, name calling etc..you know after 3 relationships that were abusive im finally free from it after counselling, I really recommend it. I too was reliant on my last ex, I had no family support, no money and sufferred anxiety attacks, I stayed until I was left no choice but to leave suddenly after the abuse escalated to a very scary level. I know you dont want to believe that this is abuse and I understand that as I didnt either. Janine recommended a book to me called 'why does he do that' and it along with the counselling has helped me leave abuse for good. Hope you keep in touch.
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Change?
Jun 22, 2014 2:57:35 GMT
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Post by orange on Jun 22, 2014 2:57:35 GMT
Janine, I'm glad I found you all too. I tried a few times a few months ago and the link was just dead. It's kinda a shame all of the old posts are gone though. Reading back, I realise my post might be a bit confusing. So sorry about that! Yes, there has been many many incidents of name calling, threats, and a handful of physical violence episodes. He's never hurt me bad, but I've had a few bruises from him. The worst for me I think was when he put his hands around my neck. And put tape on my mouth and threatened to ... use a bottle on me in a sexual manner...if you know what I mean? That was a bad day to say the least. But I saw the change in him. He let go of his jealousy, not completely, but by a lot. And when he was jealous, he didn't take it out on me. It was bliss and I was happy. Then someone tries to cause trouble and he's back in a bad place again. I know he's depressed and very insecure, but he's being mean again. Yesterday was a full day of him calling me names, yelling, accusing me of things etc. The worst thing is that he's telling me he's suicidal. He's carrying a knife and hammer with him (around the flat) and has cuts all on his arms. He told me many times yesterday that he'll kill himself when I go to sleep. And I was tired, I tried to stay awake but shamefully fell asleep. I just want to help him, but he diesn't give me clear answers as to how. I should see a therapist really. I've always had problems with anxiety, depression etc. But for the past year the Agoraphobia has been in full swing. My SO helps me out a lot in that way, always going to the shops to get food etc. But I am basically dependant on him tbh. I have been through the mental health system s lot in my life. Nothing yet has been of great help and I guess I'm weary! That said, I've never told them everything that's happened in my life. That maybe would have helped. I do feel like maybe I don't deserve help. FinallyFree, so glad you've managed to be free from abuse. I know he treats me bad sometimes, but the love I have for him is crazy deep. I'm not a good person sometimes, and maybe I shouldn't expect him to always be. Idk. But he DOES take it too far sometimes. Sometimes I just get sick and tired having bern treated badly so much in my life. So I don't always react well and that feeds his anger. With my ex he was just insane. He didn't care about me, he has a sick need/want of hurting people. I seriously think he's a bit sadistic. On the other hand, I think my SO loves me but is unwell. This morning I found some kind of parental blocker/logger type thing on my phone. I lied when he asked me what's wring, but he got it out on me in the end. I know I shouldn't have lied, I just wasn't sure what to say or do. He says he knows nothing about it. That maybe it downloaded when I downloaded dirty videos! But I've not downloaded anything. So he might even read this for all I know. I'm just wanting to find answers that's all. I think I'm not a great person either, so not trying to put all blame on him. Any ideas what i can do about the suicide thing? I've been suicidal myself too, more than once, but how canI help him? I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing and he ends his life
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Post by Finally free on Jun 22, 2014 12:58:00 GMT
Hi Orange,
From your 2 messages I think you are a kind and caring person and im sure when youve been suicidal it has been real and not for emotional blackmail. I think that no matter what you do and what lengths you go to to help him it will never be enough, he will always tell you that YOU arent enough, that you arent doing enough to help him, the fact is its him who has the problem, hes not depressed or suicidal, hes abusive. I believe that abuse is masked by the person blaming depression etc in fact anything to not take responsibility for their abusive behaviour. You deserve so much more than this, you deserve to be happy and be loved with no harm or threats of harm in your life...
...I think when you are free of this abuse counselling would really help you, maybe then you will find peace and real love.
I used to think id never find anyone i loved more than my last ex, I thought we had a real love and connection etc, I was blinded and controlled, it wasnt until i was away from him that I realised that although I was capable of this amount of love, he didnt love me after all I didnt abuse him, threaten him, control him etc I just loved him. I have been abused my whole life in one way or another and I just accepted it when it came along because I didnt know any other. This is the first year of my entire life that I am not accepting abuse from anyone and ive never been so happy.
Please keep in touch, you may not be ready to hear and accept what I am saying, after all you dont know me at all but I would love to be able to help you.
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Change?
Jun 26, 2014 1:35:22 GMT
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Post by orange on Jun 26, 2014 1:35:22 GMT
FinallyFree, thanks for your reply. I am "listening" to you and really appreciate it. It helps to know that somebody cares. And even better that it's somebody that gets it. We might not know eachother, but I still care what you have to say. I actually really need people to talk to. The past 5 days or so have been crap. It's been constant name calling, accusations and him being suicidal. He was also getting a bit physical...grabbing my arms, kicking my leg and leaning hard on me, things like that. Then today I got angry and told him to leave. He kinda choked me with his arm. He had my head against the wall and he hit it against the wall. Not exactly hard, but still scary. He's a strong, broad lad. This is all because he says I'm a sl**. That he can't get over my past. He asked if I had written anything about him online, and I told him "yes, to try and help you" and he said I should tell you all the guy he's most jealous of is a black man, SO is white. He says that will make you all understand why he can never live up to him. Sorry if that offends anyone, i'm just posting what he said. He has nothing to worry about with his looks, but he compares himself to him. He ssys it eats away at him and he's been self harming infront of me. I'm not proud of my past. I've been with a few guys for the wrong reasons, and acted in ways i'm not really proud of. So I probably am a sl**, but I can't take my past back. I dunno what to do. I'm depressed and hopeless. I never know what to expect next from him. I thought he loves me so much, so why is he doing this to me? When he gets angry his eyes change. Sounds mad, but ut's true and it's scary. I'm worried about his state of mind. I don't want to wake up and find him dead I know it seems like a tactic, but how can i be sure? He has a few diagnosis, so he really does have problems. I just want to live a happy life with him. This is thd man I was supposed to be marrying and having children with. I don't want to be treated like this, but I don't want to be without him. And it's hopeless. I don't know where I would go. This flat is a mess and so am I. I wouldn't be able to stay here, cause he'd just come back and this place is horrible.Sometimes when he gets angry, I kinda smile cause I'm nervous, so that makes it worse. Why do I smile when it's not funny?! Sometimes I talk back. After hours or days of hearing how I'm a sl**, I'll say something like "yeeaahh, I am, so what!" and try to act tough. What an idiot. Maybe I deserve to be hurt then? Am I provoking him? What's the right way to react? How can I get him to realise I don't care about other men? Sorry I'm taking up so much space. I'm probably not even making any sense.
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Post by Finally free on Jun 26, 2014 16:46:21 GMT
Hi orange,
I dont know whats worse the name calling or the physical abuse, both so damaging. I too was constantly called a sl**, my past wasnt anything bad at all but even if i'd never been with anyone else other than my ex he wouldve called me a sl** as he was constantly comparing himself to others, telling me I didnt fancy him etc etc. I wish you could read 'why does he do that' it would really help you to understand that all the mental torture because 'hes ill' because 'hes depressed' etc etc are just words to cover their abuse sadly. You deserve so much more, you sound like a very caring person and I often think its us caring forgiving types that offer help freely that come off worse to these dominant types.
I used to try not saying anything to the name calling and physical abuse, then id have times like you where i'd be shouting back, then same as you i'd smirk too, but usually cos the situation had me a nervous wreck!! Whatever you do or dont do the result will be the same and the abuse will get worse over time. Even if youre not ready to leave yet, start preparing just incase, important documents, bank accounts spare keys, spare mobile etc, just keep yourself safe and dont let him find anything, it really will help for the final time his abuse makes you realise you must leave. I hate to say to you that he will NEVER realise you dont care about other men and thats because HE has to address his problems and HE wont, its easier to blame you, take his frustrations out on you etc, no matter what you do or dont do in his eyes youre to blame, he will find any way he can to blame you...usually for nothing.
keep in touch
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Change?
Jun 27, 2014 3:12:27 GMT
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Post by orange on Jun 27, 2014 3:12:27 GMT
Hey. I know what you mean about the comparing. All of the compliments in the world don't seem to make a difference do they. I've heard of that book. I want to read it, but i have no way to really. I wish there was some way! I know. I get so nervous that sometimes I smirk. I don't know why...it's like an inapropiate reaction to an emotion. No reaction seems to make much difference. If he's angry, he's angry. Eventhough today he said I don't react very well. I don't know how i'm meant to act when i feel like I'm being tortured all day! He was still being nasty early in the day. Really laying into me verbally. Then he said he wants to be alone, so went into the next room. Around 20-30 minutes later he came back, said he's seen the light again! He said he hates himself for what he's done and realises he's a bit crazy. I was so confused and angry! I said "so you can just decide like that to stop?" and he said it isn't like that, he's just realised. Omg! I'm gonna go loony myself! How can he just do that in 30 minutes? I can't bear the thought of goung another 5 months of us getting along and then it all happens again. I'm just baffled really... And we're meant to be staying with his parents very soon. We meant to be looking for flats to live there (different city) There would be some perks about living there, but again...baffled.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jun 27, 2014 18:05:59 GMT
Hey Orange,
Everything you wrote makes complete sense and is meaningful and important to us and you! There is no need to apologize for being here. After all...that is WHY we post here and enjoy taking time besides full-time jobs and a busy life to read and reply to people like you, who deserve support and a safe place too share thoughts.
Finallyfree shared some great advice here- and I honestly have to say I think this would be a very good time in your life to involve outside help. Women's shelters come and pick you up for free, they help you get free counseling and many let you stay for a long time until you feel slowly ready to join an independent life.
Your partner is highly abusive in all ways and keeps you hostage- even though it might seem like he is 'helping' you. If he really wanted to help you, he would call a therapist to your house and admit he has abused you, threatens to kill himself and is a danger to you and himself. Love does not mean enabling abusive behavior or sick situations.
Whatever you did in the past, no matter with how many men you had sex, NONE of that gives him the permission to treat you like this. It is a typical abuser strategy to find (or create) situations during which you as a victim think: Oh boy, something is wrong with me too, so I must at least be partially at fault and caused this. The shame belongs to me too. I cannot even find someone like him.....and the internal words go on and on...
If you think about it that is the best position an abuser can have you in. Your self-esteem is low, you feel guilt/shame for your own being and past and he is the ONLY contact you have most days.
Reach out to a domestic violence hotline. Call a shelter. They will not force you to come to them. They will only give you practical tips on what services are out there for free IF you feel ready to tap into that amazing service. In the end the decision is and will always be yours. Nobody will try and tell you what to do unless you let them.
The ONLY way to get into a better spot in life is to go no contact and let abusers be abusers. They never change. The abuse might pause for a while but often comes back with even more force. A certified professional can help you with past traumas, current problems with anxiety/depression or any phobia you might have.
Hang in there and stay as safe as possible! I see a LOT of very red flags in his behavior and I am very concerned about your physical and mental safety while you are around him without outside support.
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Change?
Jul 2, 2014 17:01:36 GMT
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Post by orange on Jul 2, 2014 17:01:36 GMT
I told him I want to split up again today. He was hurting me again. He says he's leaving tomorrow or friday. Says he's called the council and will be meeting them tomorrow to discuss options. I was sure I wanted it then, now I'm kinda freaking out. I dunno what to do!
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 2, 2014 17:20:45 GMT
It is very normal to have second thoughts and self-doubts when you move onto deciding to end an abusive relationship. I would not be surprised if he is actually counting on you to paddle back and give it yet another chance, so please be ready for all sorts of manipulating tactics. From pretending he does not care at all and has someone new lined up, to intimidating you, begging, threatening, crying, insulting, telling you nobody else will have that special bond with you....etc.
His goal will be to make you feel as if all of this was your fault. Everything he says and does is tactic.
A normal, loving man would NEVER NEVER EVER put tape on your mouth, strangle you with his hands around your neck or force you to do sexual things with items that can cause serious harm and are painful. That is physical, emotional and sexual abuse right from the book. NO doubt about him being a very dangerous and abusive man.
None of his "issues" are causing this. Plenty of depressed, alcoholic and anxious people are struggling with their situations but do NOT harm others.
Have you researched information about getting help for your agoraphobia? I am sure there are services out there....do not give up.
It is tough but you are a tough tiger too!!!!!!
Lots of energy and deep breaths. Be kind to yourself.
It might feel like you are losing the best man ever...when really you are experiencing serious post traumatic stress and react very normal to a dangerous relationship. This might also be a good time to involve a DV hotline/women'sshelter?womens aid. Can you call one of those services to see what is out there? Do not give up if the first call or so amount to not much. There are good people out there who are wanting to help you.
You do not have to walk this path alone, involve all the support out there!!!
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 2, 2014 22:48:31 GMT
Hey, Orange!
Self-hatred is a very common characteristic of abusive partners. It is often hidden behind a facade of normalcy, charm, or bravado, but some are more inclined to use their "mental illness" to manipulate and control you directly or indirectly. That sounds like what he is doing.
The irrational jealousy is also a very bad sign. It sounds like he worked at suppressing it but hasn't really dealt with the source, namely his personal insecurity. But you know you can't change that for him - he needs to reach out for help, and if he does not, he will not get better, even if it may seem like it for a while.
It took great courage for you to decide to end it with him. I admire you for that. I know it seems like you just took a leap into the dark and don't know what will happen next, but hey, you did it once before and survived, didn't you? I am sure you will find a way forward.
Janine's advice is right on - you can't make him get help, but you can seek out some help for yourself. It sounds like you have been abused from childhood on, and it's very common that those of us abused as children are more vulnerable to abusive partners as adults, perhaps because you may never have experienced what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. Counseling with someone familiar with trauma recovery can make all the difference in the world, helping you understand what drives some of your seemingly "irrational" behavior, as well as helping you learn new responses when you feel your unproductive but persistent childhood responses forcing their way forward.
Keep on posting. The time after leaving is often even harder than the decision to leave, but if you are patient and hang in there, it DOES get better!
---- Steve
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 6, 2014 14:41:35 GMT
Hey, Orange!
Are you OK? Hadn't heard for a while and I was just wondering what happened. Hope you're doing OK!
---- Steve
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Change?
Jul 8, 2014 6:51:27 GMT
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Post by orange on Jul 8, 2014 6:51:27 GMT
I couldn't do it. We are still together.
Thanks everyone for reading and replying to me x
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 8, 2014 13:47:13 GMT
And that is completely ok! Stay safe, you know what to look out for and are a pro now as well when it comes to DV! We are ALWAYS here if you would like to reflect on that relationship later down the road. In the meantime, whenever you feel comfortable we love seeing your posts here because you are great at giving others good advice!!!
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Change?
Jul 8, 2014 14:08:16 GMT
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Post by orange on Jul 8, 2014 14:08:16 GMT
Still here lol. I'm not happy. I don't know if I'm to blame but I'm so tired of this rollercoaster. Everything is wonderful, then it"s back to depressing again. He hates me again today. He's now sleeping, so I'm popping on.I feel so confused and stuck. I don't know how to end it even if I should. I don't know if there's anything i can do. I think i'm a hopeless case. My anxiety is through the roof today.
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steve
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Post by steve on Jul 8, 2014 14:57:12 GMT
Don't sweat it. As a wise person once said, "Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not an event." You are learning and growing and expanding your ideas of what is possible. I encourage you to continue to do so. Feel free to keep posting and we'll help you process what is happening. No one here is judging you for choosing to stay today - everyone has made the same decision, most more than once. You are welcome here, regardless what you decide.
Keep us posted on how things are coming along and we'll provide whatever help we can. There is nothing easy about your situation, and leaving has its risks and benefits, just like staying does.
Hang in there, and keep on posting!
---- Steve
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Change?
Jul 9, 2014 7:02:15 GMT
via mobile
Post by orange on Jul 9, 2014 7:02:15 GMT
Thanks a lot for making me feel welcome.
I am really depressed. The DV phone lines are not free on a mobile phone. I don't have a house phone and no money on the phone. I was going to just talk to them while he's out for an hour.
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 9, 2014 18:12:59 GMT
You can also reach out to 911 if you feel very depressed and would like medical attention/someone to come to your house. It is OK to ask them for help- that is their job. Especially if your finances do not allow you right now to recharge your phone. If possible, do that as soon as you can though, just to be connected when needed.
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Post by Finally free on Jul 9, 2014 21:27:09 GMT
Hi orange, keep in touch, its good to share how you feel in an often very lonely existence x
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