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Post by Evaisland on May 29, 2019 16:58:48 GMT
Hi all... I have been an infrequent visitor to the site over many years ... knowing at various times I should leave, should have left and at times should have stayed away... but after 30 years there I still was UNTIL last year. A quick timeline .. in 2018 the mental abuse seemed to be racking up the more I seemed to be fighting back ... then in the summer I decided that when I went to visit my daughter back in the UK in October that I would stay there and not go back to Spain (where he had moved us 20 years ago). I kept this to myself of course! Then after long running undiagnosed illness on the last day of August he went bright yellow. I booked the doctors. We went and were sent immediately to hospital ... diagnosis after a few weeks - terminal pancreatic cancer. I was numb (had been for years). His temper got worse, nothing I could do right, nothing I could say right (same as ever but worse). I started to get terrible stomach aches, shakes and twitches and finally walked out one day, taking my dog and my papers and a few bits and pieces in one tiny case. A friend rescued me, let me stay until I could get a flight and off I flew back to the UK (dog got shipped  ... daughter put me up and I more or less went no contact... but hey he was ill, very ill and to be honest pretty nuts (weird accusations made about staff stealing his milk etc). He got admitted on permanant basis while I was away, I kept in contact with the hospital and finally after much soul searching decided to go back and keep visiting him (he tried to come home but couldn't) right up to the day he died (early hours of morning - I didn't make it there in time). So what am I asking .... did I do the right thing? why did I feel fine for the first few months and now I feel lost, angry, sometimes like I have been punched in the chest when I think of how I have been left... struggling to sell an almost unsellable property which he took to bits at various times on various projects, and never put back together. I know I wasted 30 years, but I am still trapped in a very remote area with the only possible money tied up in the b.....y house. Trying to sell it... but could take more years to do so (it is very slow to sell houses here). Can't live back with daughter for any length of time. No other family... various friends, but not that could help in any other way than email chat. Feel like I am still trapped. Pathetic huh? is there hope for the future? |
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on May 31, 2019 2:56:13 GMT
Hi Evailand, nice to hear from you! I am so sorry this has happened to you. The death of your partner is very hard to take. I believe that you did what you believed to be the best thing at the time.
Feeling fine initially, it happens. There are many times that we are "busy" in the first few months when someone dies and then as some of that "business" calms down, reality sets in and we start to really feel the loss. It can be a delayed reaction and that may be what is happening to you. Grieving has started and it has many different stages..anger, sadness, depression, bargaining, acceptance. When we are grieving, we experience all of these stages and when there is/was abuse involved, there are many more feelings that surface.
Also, when someone dies, or a significant loss has happened, we tend to do a "life review". We look back and try to figure out what happened, how did I get to this point, did I do the right things?, did I do my best? did I do everything I could? What should I have done differently? We go over and over these things in our head and it brings up so many feelings and thoughts with it. We get "triggered" again and again and again as we may feel guilty..because we weren't there, or because we were there and we really didn't want to be, or even guilt that we are relieved that they are gone.
You are not pathetic. You are a survivor of 30 years of abuse. That says you are strong, you are brave, you did what you had to do at the time everything was happening. You did the best you could with what you had to work with.
Survivors of abuse are empathetic people, we care, we feel other's pain and suffering, and we tend to turn the other cheek and be with the enemy, even though the enemy doesn't deserve one ounce of our time or thought.
It sounds like you have a lot to still deal with even though he is gone. The house and all it entails with selling it..yes it feels like he has caused you to still be trapped even though he is not here.
There is hope for the future, every day is a new opportunity to heal, to keep moving forward, away from the abuse. The house will sell, it will take time as you said, but I believe it will sell.
Perhaps check you local area and see if there is any support for widows, being with others who experienced the death of a spouse, maybe there are opportunities there that can help you to grieve. Perhaps, talk to your real estate person, is there someone who is helping you to sell the house, can you get the word out in other neighborhoods or towns of the house being for sale? If you have contacts via e-mail, can you send them word of the house being for sale, can they share that information with people they know? Is there social media where you can share that a house is for sale?
And if you need to, seek counselling. Having support can be really helpful. The past 30 years have come to the forefront, all the abuse, all the pain, all the love you gave, it is all again in your head. Talking it out may help.
We are here. Anytime you want to share please do.
I hope it gets better and I believe that there is always hope. I try really hard to never lose that, because then the abuser has won, and that is the very last thing on this earth that I want to have happen.
Karen
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Post by Evailand on Jun 1, 2019 6:54:27 GMT
Thank you so much Karen... i really appreciate your reply... I know I am so much luckier than many as I am out of it now... and you are right I will get better! but thank you for listening to a 'down moment' rant... it really helped xx
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Post by anonymous on Jun 1, 2019 13:09:22 GMT
Being isolated and disconnected compounds one's problems. I think it's a blessing your abuser died. Good riddance. One less abuser destroying victims' lives.
As for your house, you survived 30 years of abuse, I'm sure you are more than capable of tackling home repair projects to get that house on the market. It sucks that you are stuck with a house in need of repair but I would caution you to consider the many women who are homeless and sleeping rough. That house is a blessing. At any rate, doing the home repairs would probably help it sell faster and for more money. More freedom funds for you!
I personally like the state of being numb. Sure beats pain. But you're finally grieving now. When you are with an abuser, things are so tentative and chaotic and toxic, your energies go into simply surviving the abuse. Now that you can breathe easier, due to your abuser's death, you're going to start a journey of grief. Grieving the lost 30 years, grieving the harms inflicted on you, grieving what will never be, and possibly grieving your abuser, due to trauma bonding. Grief is hard work. A person can die from too much grief, given the right circumstances. But, you have a home to do it in and aren't struggling to stay off the street, due to homelessness.
But still, your isolation and disconnection compound things. Maybe there is a support group for abused women near your home. Or a grief support group. Or maybe your church. It all depends on you. And none of this need apply. Maybe my ideas and advice are crap. By all means, disregard such. And they are mere ideas, not directives, just brainstorming.
Hoping the best for you, Evailand.
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Post by anonymous on Jun 2, 2019 2:30:25 GMT
Also, I wanted to say that it's good to complain. Perhaps my first comment didn't acknowledge the legitimacy of your complaints and was dismissive and/or invalidating. I think it's legitimate that you complaint of your b----y house that your abuser tore to bits. Perhaps he did that intentionally, with the smug satisfaction of an abuser, knowing you'd be left with a practically unsaleable house. And stuck. Sounds like something an abuser would do.
And my mentioning those women who are living on the streets, is my bad. Women, especially abused women, have been told to be grateful for too long. It's kind of like how parents will admonish their children with comments about 'starving children' and how they shouldn't complain about food they dislike and be perpetually grateful for having food. Either way, 'starving children' aren't helped or hurt by the picky eaters' being shamed into silence.
Perhaps you can make friends with your local hardware store staff. And if nothing else, you now have time to envision a different future, find yourself another location to live -- do you want to go abroad? Stay where you are at? And perhaps you want to fix it so it's okay enough to have renters and then rent it out until you can sell it and find yourself a tiny studio elsewhere. Maybe that's another can of worms or impractical.
Also, I was thinking about the expression "I wasted [#] years" and I say it myself, however, it's not necessarily accurate. You had 30 years taken from you. You had 30 years ruined for you. You didn't go out looking for an abuser to wreck your life. You were setup. You were entrapped. He wasted your years. That's what soul-sucking, predatory abusers do.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 2, 2019 2:59:56 GMT
Hey Evailand, you are very welcome, and ranting and venting here is perfectly fine! We are here to listen and to support you and if you need to rant, well then by all means it is very ok. I remember a few years ago literally screaming in my car, no one could hear me and it was awesome! Sometimes we just need to get it out of our system!
Anything we can do for you, don't hesitate to let us know!
Karen
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... daughter put me up and I more or less went no contact... but hey he was ill, very ill and to be honest pretty nuts (weird accusations made about staff stealing his milk etc). He got admitted on permanant basis while I was away, I kept in contact with the hospital and finally after much soul searching decided to go back and keep visiting him (he tried to come home but couldn't) right up to the day he died (early hours of morning - I didn't make it there in time).
