suicide

Hello, welcome here and I am so glad you reached out! I am very sorry that you are feeling like you are all out of options. It is very overwhelming and it can be all consuming. All those feelings you are having, very understandable given all you are experiencing. You have been through hell, and those affects are still happening. Somedays, getting out of bed is way beyond what we can manage.

I don't know if I can help, but I will tell you a bit of what helped me. I have never felt like suicide was an option, but I had been at that point where I can understand why someone would consider it. It wasn't an option because for me, I was so enraged at my abusers that I didn't want to do anything that would satisfy them. And me being off the earth, well, it possibly would have brought them joy and I wasn't going to be part of anything that gave those a$$holes any joy.

I too struggled, I lost my job because of my inability to deal with it all. I hit a very deep low, but I wasn't willing to let them win. I found my local Domestic Violence Center, I went to counselling. I went weekly. I came to this forum and talked to so many survivors and victims, they listened and supported me and gave me good help to go forward everyday.

Some days, all I could do was focus on one hour at a time. That was all I could manage. Every day, I tried to find one thing that I could smile about. And there were literally times where I had to look in the mirror and tell myself .."Karen, you did not deserve any of this crap that happened to you. You are a good person." Repeat 100 times.

I also went NO CONTACT..absolutely none. And that helped a lot. And it took me a while to be able to not have any contact. I was in love with these guys..I was hooked on them and thought I could not have a life without them. It hurt like hell. My ex-husband and I have 2 children, so I had to see him at times and I hated every minute of it. One of the abusers..I was so hooked on him that I went back a few times until I learned what was going on. I was obsessed with him..watching him on FB and other social medias. I couldn't get him out of my head and heart. After 5 years, I can say he is a fleeting thought. But, it took me a long time to get to that point.

If you are still with him/her, can you leave? Can you go and stay with a friend for a while to get a break?

I went to my local DV center and joined a support group and then was able to get with a counselor who helped me a lot. Talking it out and posting here, really helped. It still helps me to talk to other people about it.

Sometimes what helps is finding a way to focus on something else, perhaps read, or color, or clean, or go for a walk, or a drive, exercise, treat yourself to something sweet or good. And those may sound trivial and simple, but believe it or not, sometimes just retraining our brains to think differently can make a big difference. And again, it isn't easy, I don't want to sound like this is simple, because it is not. But, I had to retrain my thought process..I literally had to tell myself that I was a good person. That I am worth being loved, that I am enough.

If you are feeling suicidal..please call the suicide hotline and talk to someone, you can be anonymous, they can listen and help you to figure out stuff. The National DV hotline is 1-800-799-7233 Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Talking can help, it means someone is listening, someone cares and they do. They aren't just there to do a job, they care. They want to help.

For me, it was about being determined to survive and get my life back. I have this inner voice that finally stopped believing what the jerks said to me and it told me that living and being happy was the BEST revenge I could get on my abusers. I have been in 4 abusive relationships over 30 years. All of them were unhealthy relationships and all had a form of abuse. I just wanted to be me. To be happy and not feel sad and horrible every day. I was lucky..I have people in my life who are good and decent and kind. And I worked really hard to rebuild my life. Some days were better than others.

I am abuse free..I have survived, I am in charge of me and I have never been happier. It didn't happen overnight. I have a spiritual faith, I believe I was put on this earth for a reason, and I learned that that reason is NOT to be abused and NOT to make a man happy.

I am a Mom, and a much better one now that I am away from the jerks. I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a friend, I am pretty, I am kind, I am loving, I am giving, I am spiritual, I am fun to be with, I am a hike, and a camper, and I am so much more than the JERKS in my life have led me to believe.

So you are you. You are not who they say. AND THEY..are not who matters. You are worthy of love and kindness and happiness and it does not have to come from a man or partner. It doesn't have to come from a parent. It can come from inside you.

I don't have a simple answer, what works for me, may not work for you. The first step though..and it is not an easy step by any means..is to get away from the abuser and the abuse. Putting space between you and them and the abuse..if you can do that, you can begin to find a way out of that dark tunnel and into goodness.

Keep posting if you can, people here will help.

Karen