Post by Samantha on Nov 5, 2018 7:42:24 GMT
Hi,
It has been a while, about 5 months, since I posted last. I've been in California with my sister since then. So much has happened. My son was born early at 29 weeks--that's my OB and the neonatologist's estimate, as I don't know my actual conception date. My estimated due date was November 1 and he was born August 16th. That was after 3 weeks of hospital bedrest. I went into labor at 26 weeks and they were able to stop it then, but by the time I realized I'd gone back into labor in August, it was too late. He was small-- average at 29 weeks is 2.5 lbs and he was 1lb 14 oz. And he couldn't breathe on his own at all. They gave him a 50/50 chance of surviving and they told me he was at high risk of mental and physical disabilities. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life. I could go through everything my husband put me through 100 times over before I could handle seeing my baby like that again. He had some bleeding on his brain when he was 2 weeks old and going downhill and they talked to me about unhooking the machines, but I wasn't ready to give up on him and he wasn't either. He pulled through and on his 6 week birthday, he was breathing completely on his own in an open bed and off all machines except a heart monitor. One of the nurses called him her little warrior which I love becuase his name means warrior.. I just brought him home a week ago. He's 5lbs, 2 ounces and he's doing great. He has some vision problems from ROP but the doctor says he will probably outgrow it. For now we have to get it checked every 2 weeks. We won't know for a while if he's got any other disabilities but so far everything looks ok. My mom is here and my sister of course and they have been a big help.
It's such a relief to have my baby home and I feel like I should be enjoying it but quite honestly I'm having hard time coping knowing the six-month mark of living here is coming up. I can file for divorce here at that point and I don't know if I can go through with it but I know I need to, before he decides to file back there. I don't want a judge there deciding our fate. I'm just really afraid, especially with all of the medical issues my son has and has had and might be facing in the future. I'm afraid my husband could get visitation rights, even if it's here, even if it's supervised, the idea of handing my son over to him is terrifying. My husband was released from jail in August and I'm sure he knows where I am. He has contacted my sister, he has said he knows I'm here and he has tried to convince her to put me on the phone. I don't know how he knows, my mom said she hasn't heard from him since he went to jail and no one else I know of has either, but he is on probation for the next year and he has to complete a 360-day program, and until then he isn't allowed to leave the state without permission. If he does, he goes back to jail. Otherwise I'm sure he would have showed up here by now. I actually have been expecting him to. He never cared about the law before so I am still worried about that, that he might decide to try to get to me. I've been without nightmares since my son was born but in the last few weeks, as we were getting ready to bring my son home and since we've had him home, the nightmares and anxiety have come back and I'm having a hard time sleeping. My son is waking up every 2 hours still and some nights I lay wide awake in between, unable to sleep even when he sleeps. I'm just really scared of having to face my husband again and bringing back everything that he put me through, and the thought of having to have him in my life for the next 18 years. The only reason I EVER had sex with him willingly in the last couple of years we were together was because I was afraid to make him angry if I said no. Many times I did say no and he did what he wanted anyway, only he was angry and often violent. So just because one of hundreds of times of giving in, or not, to SAVE MYSELF, happened to result in conception, he has rights? I have talked to a lawyer and she said if we can show my pregnancy was the result of marital rape, his rights could be terminated, but that would be very difficult to prove. I don't know how to deal with this. I've been seeing my counselor but I am mentally and emotionally drained.
It has been a while, about 5 months, since I posted last. I've been in California with my sister since then. So much has happened. My son was born early at 29 weeks--that's my OB and the neonatologist's estimate, as I don't know my actual conception date. My estimated due date was November 1 and he was born August 16th. That was after 3 weeks of hospital bedrest. I went into labor at 26 weeks and they were able to stop it then, but by the time I realized I'd gone back into labor in August, it was too late. He was small-- average at 29 weeks is 2.5 lbs and he was 1lb 14 oz. And he couldn't breathe on his own at all. They gave him a 50/50 chance of surviving and they told me he was at high risk of mental and physical disabilities. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life. I could go through everything my husband put me through 100 times over before I could handle seeing my baby like that again. He had some bleeding on his brain when he was 2 weeks old and going downhill and they talked to me about unhooking the machines, but I wasn't ready to give up on him and he wasn't either. He pulled through and on his 6 week birthday, he was breathing completely on his own in an open bed and off all machines except a heart monitor. One of the nurses called him her little warrior which I love becuase his name means warrior.. I just brought him home a week ago. He's 5lbs, 2 ounces and he's doing great. He has some vision problems from ROP but the doctor says he will probably outgrow it. For now we have to get it checked every 2 weeks. We won't know for a while if he's got any other disabilities but so far everything looks ok. My mom is here and my sister of course and they have been a big help.
It's such a relief to have my baby home and I feel like I should be enjoying it but quite honestly I'm having hard time coping knowing the six-month mark of living here is coming up. I can file for divorce here at that point and I don't know if I can go through with it but I know I need to, before he decides to file back there. I don't want a judge there deciding our fate. I'm just really afraid, especially with all of the medical issues my son has and has had and might be facing in the future. I'm afraid my husband could get visitation rights, even if it's here, even if it's supervised, the idea of handing my son over to him is terrifying. My husband was released from jail in August and I'm sure he knows where I am. He has contacted my sister, he has said he knows I'm here and he has tried to convince her to put me on the phone. I don't know how he knows, my mom said she hasn't heard from him since he went to jail and no one else I know of has either, but he is on probation for the next year and he has to complete a 360-day program, and until then he isn't allowed to leave the state without permission. If he does, he goes back to jail. Otherwise I'm sure he would have showed up here by now. I actually have been expecting him to. He never cared about the law before so I am still worried about that, that he might decide to try to get to me. I've been without nightmares since my son was born but in the last few weeks, as we were getting ready to bring my son home and since we've had him home, the nightmares and anxiety have come back and I'm having a hard time sleeping. My son is waking up every 2 hours still and some nights I lay wide awake in between, unable to sleep even when he sleeps. I'm just really scared of having to face my husband again and bringing back everything that he put me through, and the thought of having to have him in my life for the next 18 years. The only reason I EVER had sex with him willingly in the last couple of years we were together was because I was afraid to make him angry if I said no. Many times I did say no and he did what he wanted anyway, only he was angry and often violent. So just because one of hundreds of times of giving in, or not, to SAVE MYSELF, happened to result in conception, he has rights? I have talked to a lawyer and she said if we can show my pregnancy was the result of marital rape, his rights could be terminated, but that would be very difficult to prove. I don't know how to deal with this. I've been seeing my counselor but I am mentally and emotionally drained.
