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Post by Wrecked on Oct 17, 2018 5:07:22 GMT
My husband has been calling me crazy for years and I think he is right. I can't think straight anymore, sometimes I want to say something and I can't get the words out. Even people close to me, family and friends, have suggested I go talk to someone. I can't sleep, can't eat. My husband used to be a heavy drinker and he was a terrible, violent drunk. He mostly broke things, threw things, but he hit me a few times. That was over a year ago the last time. He stopped drinking, he said he was doing it for me. So he didn't hit me anymore but he started getting in my face or lunging at me, making me think he was going to hit me but he wouldn't. If I flinched or jumped he would tell me I was paranoid. Or he'd suggest something to me in a way that I saw as aggressive but he'd deny that it was and tell me it was my choice in whatever it was about, he'd say he was only trying to be helpful. I've been waiting so long for the other shoe to drop, I just felt it was coming, but then it wouldn't and I'd tell myself he's right, that I'm paranoid. I couldn't relax, I've been on high alert and I have cold sweats and my heart races and if I do sleep I have bad dreams. And he will hug me and hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, and I think, this is confirmation that I really am crazy, he must love me or he wouldn't be waking up in the middle of the night to comfort me. I told him I thought we needed to talk to someone together, as in a marriage counselor and he booked me an appointment with a psychiatrist! I only went the one time, she talked to me for 10 minutes and diagnosed me with severe anxiety and handed me a prescription for an antipsychotic! I told my husband I won't go back and I won't take these meds and he said then whatever happens, I only have myself to blame.
So the worst part is after all of this in the past year, or just over a year, we had a huge blowout Sunday night and he hit me across the face. After over a year. And him hitting me isn't the worst part. The worst part about it was that after the initial shock of it, I felt so relieved. Satisfied, even. Like all the stress I've been holding onto melted away. I slept better last night than I have in years. I don't mean to offend anyone but that's really how it felt. But after I got out of bed, it all hit me and the relief has gone away. My husband left last night and he hasn't come back. He called and he said he wouldn't until I was ready to see him, and if I still want to do marriage counseling he's on board. I didn't tell him but I wanted him to come back. I know deep down that I'm asking for trouble even thinking about it. But I want to believe that the whole incident finally woke him up and he's realized everything he's done and how badly he's treated me and he's really going to change this time. It's totally insane, I know that. No matter how many times I think "Girl, you're fooling yourself", I go back to missing him and wanting him and thinking I'm overreacting or overthinking, and then I remember something he did and go "No, you didn't make him do that." But it never takes long for me to go back to blaming myself. It's this never ending cycle. Some days it's an hours long cycle, some days only a few minutes. I have no one to turn to, no family close by. I've pushed away most of my friends because I feel like they believe I'm crazy too. If you met my husband you would think he was the most normal and stable person ever. He has a very calm demeanor, around most other people anyway. He has a huge circle of friends. Me, I'm a huge hot mess and everyone can see it. I can hear them whispering, probably about why I haven't been institutionalized yet. It hardly seems worth trying to fight anymore. I just want to give up.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 18, 2018 1:20:20 GMT
HI Wrecked, welcome here. First and foremost, thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it was very hard and scarey for you to do that. Please know..I do not think you are YOU ARE CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.
From all you wrote, you are being ABUSED..you are a victim of Domestic Violence. What I believe is going on is you could be suffering from PTSD..Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have been traumatized by your husband's behaviors and his treatment of you. The hitting, the constant in your face making you think you are the problem. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. HE IS. You are very brave and strong and courageous to continue to love him. I can only imagine how hard this has been.
Wrecked, I know this is all feeling really out of control for you right now and it is really hard to figure it all out. But, please know, it doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to live your life with someone who is hurting you so badly. You deserve better. The hitting, yelling, manipulating, gaslighting, making you think you are the problem, waking you up at night. It is all CONTROL and ABUSE and your husband is doing everything he is doing on purpose. I would suggest a few things that can help you to maybe figure this all out. Call the National Domestic Hotline and share what you just shared here. You can speak to a counselor, they will help you to figure out what is going on. You don't have to make any changes, you don't have to leave if you don't want to.
I want you to start to think about this..Your life doesn't have to be this way, you are a person who deserves to be loved and cherished and treated with respect. What your husband is doing to you is not love. It is ABUSE. He has you believing that you are the problem, you are not. YOU ARE NOT. This is not your fault, this is not anything you did to cause and you certainly don't deserve to be treated this way.
I know you want to give up and what you are experiencing is horrible. I have been there, and giving up seemed so much easier. One thing that helped me is a guy named Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" It is really GOOD at explaining Domestic Violence..why men (and some women) abuse their partners. It may help you to understand what is going on. Your "inner voice" is telling you this is not right. Maybe listen to that voice inside you..not the part that is saying you are crazy. Your partner has instilled that in you by abusing you so much. But, the part that is saying that something isn't right. You are not the problem, I can't type that enough.
Abuse is horrible, it makes us move away from our family and friends, it manipulates our thinking, it has us believing that we are unworthy and that we cause our partner to hit us and hurt us and treat us terribly.
If I met him, I wouldn't think he is normal. I would think he is very good at making himself look normal. All Abusers do this. I get that you believe others are whispering that you are crazy. Those thoughts and feelings are the result of being traumatized badly by an abuser.
Perhaps give the idea of calling the National Hotline and talking to a counselor some consideration . You don't have to live like this. You are not the problem and I would type this 1000 times to help you begin to see that you are wonderful, not crazy, but I want you to realize that you are a victim of horrible domestic violence. Your husband..he is not going to change. He doesn't see that he is the problem,he truly believes that the way he treats you is the way he is supposed to treat a woman. It is sick, it is wrong, and what he did to you is assault and he should be arrested.
Wrecked, again I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know you love him, I know you want him to be different and to change. You cannot love him enough to make him a better person. I don't mean to be harsh..I am telling you the honest truth. He is going to hurt you worse. You are not crazy, you need support, love, kindness and understanding. Anxiety is part of being traumatized.
The hotline is safe..1-800-799-7233, you can remain anonymous. You can also go to your local Domestic Violence center. They will protect you and help you to figure out what you want to do next. You may not want to do anything, you may want to leave, you may just want to talk to someone. ALL of these options are OKAY. If you just want to keep posting here..that is fine too. We are here to listen and help. No one will judge you. And please know, I will be here no matter what you choose to do or not to do. None of this is easy..it is very confusing and hurtful and scarey and anxiety producing.
Hugs to you Wrecked, please know you are not alone. Anything we can do here we will try and help. Karen
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Post by Wrecked on Nov 17, 2018 7:55:11 GMT
Hi Karen, thank you for replying. You are right, I do love him although I don't always understand why. But I don't want to give up either. I want to believe things can turn around. I know what he has done is wrong but what if he can change? How do you know if they can change?
My husband came back 3 weeks ago and he swore to me that things would be different. He said he knows he was wrong and what he has done has been horrible but he says he is determined to do better. We've been in counseling and I wish it was going well but he is ready to quit. He says he knows the counselor is against him. But when I said we could look for a different counselor, he said no, he said it's too much trouble to go through another search. He's been going after me at home, for things I said or didn't say to the counselor, he says I'm not telling the whole story and twisting everything to make him look bad. It goes on until late at night until I'm so tired I say I'm sorry and I admit I'm wrong. 2 nights ago he kept me up all night. ALL night. After he left for work yesterday, I fell asleep and slept for about 6 hours, then when he got home he was very apologetic and very sweet to me and we went to bed together, but I couldn't sleep at all because I slept during the day.. I was up in the living room most of the night. I went to sleep early this morning and he woke me at 6am and told me I had to get out of bed, he was calling me a lazy hag and laughing. He said he was only kidding and I shouldn't be so sensitive. I forced myself to stay awake all day because I wanted to be able to fall asleep tonight but here I am wide awake. When he got home from work he went off on me about nothing getting done around the house. He said, what exactly do you do all day? I broke down crying and he put his hands up and said, excuse me, sorry I asked. When we went to bed he said he was sorry, he he offered something to help me relax and he climbed on top of me. I told him no and pushed him off and he said I can't blame him for trying and then he rolled over and went off to sleep, just like that. I walked out to the living room again and I fought the urge to punch a wall. i'm just really irritated and I can't stop crying. It's starting to feel like I'm walking around in a dream. I don't ask for much. I just need a good nights sleep or two and some peace for a while. But when I tell him that he says I'm hysterical or I'm always going after him, and he can't do anything right. And I question whether he is right, if I'm being too hard on him or expecting too much. NOthing makes any sense anymore.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 17, 2018 22:53:51 GMT
Hi Wrecked..good to hear from you ! I know you love him, but the reason I believe why is that thing called "traumatic bonding". I also believe we get "addicted" to these guys and we really don't understand why we feel the way we do. I know you don't want to give up, but I also know that wanting to believe things will change and them actually changing are two very different things. Wrecked, I do not believe in my heart (and believe me I was someone who truly hoped my circumstances would change) that he is going to change. If anything, he will get worse.
He can't and won't change. I promise you he won't. They don't want to change, they see no reason for change. They blame the counselor for why therapy doesn't work, they blame their partners, they blame the world, they blame society. You name it, they BLAME everyone except the one who is to blame and that is THEM.
It is a very distorted mindset that he has, he truly does not see anything wrong with what he is doing. He may SAY it..but he doesn't believe it. What he believes is that you just don't understand him, that you are the problem. NOT HIM.I know he won't change, simply because they NEVER DO. It takes way too much insight and energy and completely seeing the world differently. THEY DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE.
He comes up with many many excuses. Your husband has been to what maybe 2 therapy sessions? And already it isn't working? Because he wants an instant fix and no such thing exists. He said all the things you wanted him to say, he is manipulating you and he wants you to stay with him, so he is showing a fake picture of "remorse". He blames you .."you are twisting everything". Wrecked..you are not. The problem is you are telling the truth and he doesn't like that.
He is also sleep depriving you on purpose. It is a form of abuse. When we are sleep deprived we can't think straight, our thoughts are confused, our emotions are all over the place and it is lack of sleep. He is doing this on purpose to hurt you.
Wrecked, nothing makes sense because he is abusing you. PERIOD. Your husband is torturing you and all that doesn't make sense is because he is successfully abusing you and even if you get 2 nights of sleep, then what? It isn't going to stop unless you decide to stop it.
Wrecked, I know you care about him, but I hate to say this to you, but he will continue to treat you the way he is until you decided to leave. He isn't going change. Has he yet? He promises, and they are empty promises. He apologizes and continues to do the same behaviors over and over and over again. He calls you hysterical, he slapped you. This isn't love. It is wrong.
When are you going to say enough? He is not right. He is ABUSIVE!!! You are not expecting too much and honestly, leaving would still not give him what he deserves. You are irritated, you are crying, you are not in a dream you are in a nightmare. You keep trying and trying and trying to be what he wants and you will NEVER achieve that. BUT..you are his victim. And that will continue until you decide to walk away.
Wrecked, I don't know what else to tell you. Your inner voice, your gut, is telling you this is not right. AND IT ISN"T RIGHT. IT IS ABUSE.
ABUSE does not = LOVE.
Please call the hotline and learn more about abuse. Wrecked...until you are ready to accept that your husband is ABUSIVE and what he does to you is on purpose and he knows exactly what he is doing??? Nothing is going to change. NOTHING.
The only thing that may change is he hits you again and in a fit of rage, he could kill you. Then it will end. I don't mean to be blunt. I wish I could help you see this. You have to want to see it yourself.
I will still be here, thinking of you and helping in any way I can.
Karen
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Post by Guest on Nov 27, 2018 3:10:50 GMT
You're husband is an abuser, through and through, Wrecked. Let's hope you don't have kids yet. Not saying kids are bad, but the entrapment is that much more complete and lifelong with kids in the picture. That being said, even without kids, it all depends on your abuser whether or not you'll be able to escape him, relatively intact. Some abusers go the murder-suicide route. Some abusers don't care to destroy their current target once they get a new person to victimize. Some will move across the country to track you. Some will enlist the internet, their friends, family, etc. to be sure and destroy you. There are no guarantees that you can get out, but you've got a slow drip poison situation on your hands already....
He won't change for the better. It'll only grow worse. Let's say the next time he smacks you, you lose your footing, fall, and smack your head against the corner of the coffee table and suffer a brain injury. Think he's going to take you to the ER? Think again. He'll leave you laying there, unconscious, potentially bleeding in your brain until major, major damage is done.
The things you spoke of, they tick all the boxes. I'm glad you can still say no and that he hasn't started raping you. Yet. Some do, some don't.
There is no such thing as marriage counseling with an abuser because the problem is the abuser is an abuser and they choose to abuse you. That's not a relational problem. There is no such thing as a marriage to an abuser. It's more like master/slave. The moments where it seems like he isn't a total predator or abuser are his times of reeling you back in, pretending to not be an abuser. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Making an appointment for you to go to a psychiatrist just cements his story of you being "crazy". Think about it... if you were truly mentally ill and he deeply loved you, he'd be lovingly, tenderly suggesting that perhaps you might want to ensure you had a general checkup, got some things checked out, and potentially considering medication if that is something that help you..... not beating you over the head with a label of "crazy".
You don't get back any of the life the abuser sucks out of you. And the longer you are abused, the worse for wear you are going to get. Consider the abuser to be basically a child of satan. You don't want to be spending your life with satan, do you?
And again, it may not be possible for you to leave or even if you do, the abuse changes form but almost never stops. So you need to really explore things. The average times a woman tries to leave is 7. 7 times, on average, before she succeeds in leaving.
Leaving is not an end-all, fix. It may not even be advisable or feasible for you. Look at the news, there are women murdered every day by their husbands, ex-husbands, boyfriends/ex-boyfriends.
If nothing else, simply draw strength from knowing what is being done to you. It's not you, it's him. I don't care what he says. Abusers are liars, through and through. You're not crazy. Doesn't matter what he says. And the psychiatrist prescribing stuff to take down your anxiety is typical....probably didn't tell the psychiatrist you were being abused, and even if you did, most all have no idea what hell abused wives are actually experiencing. So nix the psychiatrist. Fear is a good thing. It's telling you something very important. Anxiety is a given in abused women. What woman isn't made to be anxious, depressed, feeling 'crazy' from the setups and abuse of her abuser?
You may not feel like you can leave. Try calling a DV shelter. If they aren't nice to you, call a different one. If you feel as though you don't deserve a spot in a DV shelter because you've yet to be shot or something extreme, rest assured, you deserve a spot in the shelter.
If you don't feel like leaving is something you can do, or if you feel your abuser will really ratchet up the abuse then if you tried to leave, then you might want to start up counseling on your own. Let the abuser think that it's because you finally realized how crazy you are, he'll be all for it then, but privately, confidentially, see that counselor and announce on the first visit you are being abused, your husband is an abuser, you are a battered woman, and your purpose for seeing the counselor is to work on your exit, or to work on repairing the self-esteem and confidence the abuser has shredded. ASK the counselor if she is experienced in counseling DV victims. Get a referral from the DV shelter in your area for a DV counselor. If the counselor suggests that it is you, isn't keen on the dynamics, or doesn't have a good 10 years counseling DV victims, get a different one.
I'm glad you have yet to be raped or beaten unconscious or strangled or shot or stabbed. That's good. But it could very well be lurking around the corner. Depends on who your abuser is, not on how well you treat him or how much you placate him. It's going to depend on who he is and how many crimes he wants to commit.
Try not to tell him much more. Any appeals of yours, pleas, or sharing of information is only used against you. These abusers gather their intel, only to hone in on your vulnerabilities and exploit your weaknesses. You are not weak. And every human alive has vulnerabilities. So don't think anything more of that. DV victims aren't weak. Nope.
Abusers are predators. They never stop being abusers or never stop preying. I'm sorry for your situation. Sorry you were duped into marrying an abuser. But they are really good at what they do, because they have to be. Nobody would want anything to do with them if they were upfront. You didn't sign up to have your life destroyed by a creep.
Let's hope the best for you. And hey, you found this website, and took the risky leap and reached out and posted online here, so that's saying good things about you. Wishing you the very best.
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Post by Wrecked on Nov 28, 2018 6:45:13 GMT
Hey, thanks for your replies. I don't know if this will make sense, I'm really zoned out from a sleeping pill that didn't actually put me to sleep, and so instead, I'm sitting out here awake at half past midnight.
I know you're both right, deep down. I just don't know how to let go. I keep hanging on and I don't if it's more because I'm still hoping he'll change or more because I'm really really afraid of what will happen if I do let go. He never threatened me if I left. He has said if I'm not happy I should go. He said it would make his life easier, but he knows I'd never last on my own and I need him to take care of me, and that's why he does it. It's like he doesn't even want me here, at least until I talk about leaving--and then he swears he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. I know when he says it he doesn't really mean it, and he treats me the way he does and still I hold on. I think I'm just afraid of finding out that he is right, that I am crazy, that I can't make it without him. Or what if he does turn into a stalker or worse? I cannot imagine him doing that, I can't imagine him hurting me really badly or trying to kill me but whenever I hear about something like that happening, I look at him and I have to ask myself what if he could turn into that person? I can't cope with the craziness anymore of being with him but I'm afraid of leaving because leaving could be worse than staying. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.
He went out on Black Friday and spent a bunch of money, and he brought me back this painting that we saw at least 6 months ago and I said I loved it but I didn't say anything more about it after that. But he remembered, and when he brought it to me, I was so happy and so amazed that he remembered after all that time, even if we couldn't really afford it. The next day, Saturday, I went out and bought a pair of shoes, nothing fancy, just a pair of $60 sneakers which I needed because mine are almost completely worn out and I'm on my feet all day, and he went off about how I spent too much money on them. I didn't even say anything but he said he knew what I was thinking, he said I was thinking he had bought the painting so that gave me the right to go and spend money on expensive shoes. He said I didn't appreciate anything and he threatened to destroy the painting. I told him I'd take the shoes back, just don't destroy the painting. At that point I just wanted him to take the painting back too, I just didn't want it destroyed. Later that night he said he was sorry, he told me to keep the shoes and he hung the painting above our bed. I loved this painting, loved it. But now I can't even look at it without crying and having an anxiety attack. It makes me think, how can he be so wonderful and then so horrible at the same time? Then I think, if what you're saying about him is true, then he's not being wonderful at all, he's just pretending to be wonderful and he's actually horrible all the time. The little things he does to show me he cares aren't real because he doesn't really care at all. He doesn't really love me, it's all an act. Why? Why would he do that? Why bother with me at all? And what did I do to make him think I deserve this? I know I need to get out of here, and get away for a while at least. but I'm too scared to even move sometimes.
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Post by Guest on Nov 28, 2018 7:45:28 GMT
Oh he wants you there -- but only to use you, abuse you, and harm you. There's a real thrill in aggression and dominating someone. Abusers need victims, not the other way around. Nobody needs to swirl the drain and be abused. And you're abused. You're being abused.
Proverbs 4:16 basically says the wicked cannot rest until they do evil, and cause harm for someone. Predators get a real payoff in abusing. Their ego swells, they feel top dog, they get their victims to run around trying to placate them anyway they can think of, in efforts of staving off additional abuse, harm, hurt, injury, violence, violation, degradation. But it doesn't matter what the victims do, because abusers will abuse no matter what.
I don't see any indications of you being crazy. Being called crazy is like abuse 101. I don't know of any abuser who doesn't call his victim crazy. Over and over and over again until she believes it, fears it, and wonders if it isn't true -- with increasing numbers of bystanders joining in and starting to question the victim's sanity as the abuser lies about her, sets her up to look stupid, deranged, crazy, etc.
It's your life and you know your abuser best. Maybe he does stalk you. Perhaps you might want to check out a DV shelter that isn't in your state. Start learning about what abusers do. Technology is a big thing. Are you erasing your internet browsing history? Is your computer safe? Your cell phone is basically a tracking device and if certain spyware is on there, it's a recording device and more.
Did you imagine him abusing you when you married him? Did you imagine your life looking like it currently is? Not all women are murdered or stalked or severely damaged to the point of disability. I didn't say such to scare you, but rather, it's a matter of time and a matter of who your abuser is, how many crimes he wants to commit.
The painting ordeal is exactly as you suspected. A setup. A con. And then he saw an opportunity to blame, shame, and (falsely) guilt trip you some more. Did he ask your permission to spend who knows what on some painting? Nope. And yet he did this whole blowup about 60 shoes. It's to wear you down, make you feel bad, destabilize you, cause chaos, further exhaust you and now when you wear your shoes (presumably every day) and are in your bedroom you'll remember this latest ordeal when you see that painting. He wants to pee on your parade. This thrills him. He is just toying with you, enjoying torturing you and the entire time, he is in control.
Abusers are liars. Abusers are predators. Abusers abuse. Has nothing to do with you. Nothing. I don't care what he says, it's got everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you. He'll abuse the next woman, too. Give it time, he'll surely abuse her, too.
Absolutely, Wrecked, you got it -- "he'd just pretending to be wonderful and he's actually horrible all the time". The supposedly 'caring' things he does are NOT real. They are fake. They are done for the purpose of keeping you on the hook. Kind of like fishing. The bait they use to lure the fish to swallow the hook is NOT because those fishing care about feeding the fish some tasty treat, but rather it is purposeful and they let the fish nibble and then once the fish does eat the bait, they yank it back in order to set the hook (embed the hook) and they reel in the fish to take it home and fry it up. The 'caring things' are bait.
There are women who have a whole jewelry collection from "I'm sorry" moments when the abuser wants his wife to not press charges, report him, tell the hospital what really happened, etc.
It's your life. But no abuser has any good plans for their victim. None. NO ABUSER. EVER. If he cared about you -- which he does not, and never has and never will, because abusers don't care about anyone but themselves -- he wouldn't abuse you, call you crazy, isolate you, cause chaos, keep you sleep deprived, hit you, lie to you, and more.
He won't love anyone. It's not you, but rather him. He wants you because he needs you to keep himself looking good, keep himself feeling superior, have sex with you, and so forth. And do you really want to be having sex with a man who hates you? Who hits you? Is he coercing you? You said you told him no and he didn't rape you, so that's good, but who knows what is in store for you down the road. Only the abuser knows.
Maybe check out some shelters nearby. Maybe just stay for one night. See how that goes. You might surprise yourself. You might connect with a DV advocate or some fellow abused woman and draw strength from such contact. You might want to secretly attend a support group for abused women. That same DV shelter probably runs a weekly support group for abused women. Perhaps sneaking away and attending that will allow you to hear other women's stories. You'll then see how common this all is. I'd bet every woman there will attest to being called crazy by her abuser and most, if not all, starting to question their sanity. All this stuff is common, Wrecked.
All I can say is that with each cycle of abuse, you'll become more and more worn down, more and more a shell of yourself. The longer you're abused, the more damaged you become. I hardly believe you cannot make it on your own. You found this website. You reached out. You're still alive. But indeed, leaving to go to a DV shelter isn't everything. They may be full. It may not be well run. It might not be a good fit.
What's your family situation like? Would they understand? I really suspect you might make a friend or two from women you'd meet at a battered women's support group. That might help you in many, many ways. There's a lot to extricating yourself from a DV situation. You know your situation best. Perhaps he won't stalk you. Perhaps he'll just move on to another victim. Wouldn't that be great for you?
Being too scared to even move sometimes is also common. And it's not only common, but entirely understandable. Abusers want their prey to be too scared to do anything, too worn out to think straight, too frazzled to function. They seek to mess up your world and keep it that way because it gives them total control, makes you good and pliable.
Of course he hung up that dang painting, especially as he made sure for it to be an ongoing source of distress for you. That's the point of it all. Perhaps you might want to cover it up when he's not around or take it down and hide it when he's away so you don't have to look at it either. Same with the shoes. Bet you think of the 'fight' (which he engineered on purpose) each time you wear them or see them, and it causes you to be distressed. That's also the point.
I applaud you for keeping on. I'm happy you got yourself a pair of shoes. Good for you. Being abused is bad for your health as the engineered (on purpose) stress alone wears on you so make a point to do whatever you can to treat yourself well and look after yourself as best as possible.
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Post by Guest on Nov 28, 2018 8:25:38 GMT
Also, my suggestions are mere thoughts and ideas. Not directives. My phrasing could have been better.
And when you're in it, Wrecked, it's hard to see things for what they are. Your abuser sure isn't going to stop lying to you, manipulating you, abusing you, and creating ongoing chaos and confusion. Deception and misdirection are necessary for abusers because they are truly horrible people. They have no good intentions. None. So they have to keep you confused, depressed, anxious, scared, worn down, insecure, intimidated, isolated, and basically immobilized. What predator wants his prey escaping?
You said: "He has said if I'm not happy I should go. He said it would make his life easier, but he knows I'd never last on my own and I need him to take care of me, and that's why he does it."
You might have a real good chance of escaping. That he then made himself into some kind of Good Samaritan and turned you into a charity case is laughable. What an ego. What a liar. How ridiculous.
Sorry you got duped into marrying an abuser. It happens. And it's not because of you, but rather because he is an abuser and almost all abusers are really good at what they do, as it's not something they just started, but rather they've been practicing and refining and working on their techniques, tricks, tactics, etc. all their lives. And even the really unskilled abusers often succeed because of the inherent harms of abuse, the deleterious aftermath and effects of abuse.
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Post by Wrecked on Nov 29, 2018 6:22:05 GMT
Hi, I only have a few minutes, but I know you're right about the painting and about the shoes. I wore my old shoes today because I can't stand to wear the new ones. I put them on this and I started feeling physically sick. They're only shoes but everything about them reminds me of what happened. He saw my old shoes on me after work and he told me to throw the old things out. I told him I'm only wearing them around the house because they are still comfortable. He said to throw them out again and I said no and tried to walk away, which was a big mistake because he flew into a rage and he grabbed my arm and then my chin and he said if I was going to spend $60 on shoes I was damn sure going to wear them. He pushed me down on the couch and he forced my old shoes off my feet and threw them outside. I was so afraid I didn't fight him, I just sat there until I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. He was SO concerned, he came in and wrapped me in a blanket and took me into the bedroom and he pointed to the painting and he said Don't you love it? I didn't say anything, couldn't even look at at. He said he spent all this money on it, the least I could do is look at it once in a while. So I did and i forced a smile and then he tucked me into bed and he kissed my forehead and he told me to get some rest. Of course I haven't gotten any. He just left but he said he'll be back soon so I'm going to wrap this up. But this is the way it goes; anything he says or does is fine, or at least justified, so I will look up at that painting and smile, I WILL wear the damn shoes and love them or else I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't appreciate anything he does for me. That's just how it goes. I don't know what I'm going to do. I might be able to get out of here to a friend's house this weekend. Maybe. I did think of calling the police but only for a minute because I think it would only make things worse. So until I can get out of the house I'll play along with him and hope he hasn't made plans for us to go out this weekend. 5 years on and it's still doesn't seem real sometimes, it's like I'm in a bad dream. The idea of being away from him feels so crazy I can't even imagine.
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Post by Anonymous on Nov 29, 2018 8:38:08 GMT
Calling the police is an option. You know your abuser best. Some police are helpful, some are not. They generally seem to care about blood, bruises, and broken bones. They may care beyond that. It's very much up to you if you call them. Perhaps you could inquire about things at your local police department. I'm not sure. Your local DV shelter likely could help you with exploring your options, telling you if they've found the local police to be helpful (depends on where you live and how small of an area, and other particulars). And again, if you feel like it'll only make matters worse and your best shot is in escaping, then that's your call.
It's never going to get any better. NEVER. It'll only get WORSE and WORSE. Soon, there'll be new objects with awful memories. Not only will shoes be an awful reminder, along with that dang painting (which is complete nonsense, spending all his money on you, what a joke, 'the least you could do is look at it', what a slimeball), but there will be an expanding of objects, awful memories, etc. And, of course, you know this.
I'm sorry to hear about the whole pushing you, grabbing you, throwing your shoes out, etc.
Ever heard of "hurt and rescue"? It's basically what he did. He harmed you, scared you, assaulted you, rattled you, and then you finally vomited and he momentarily seemed to care (gag, gag, yeah right) with the whole wrapping you in a blanket scam of a gesture... and then it was time to torment you some more with throwing the painting in your face, making you feel guilty, "ungrateful bitch" (that's abuser-speak 101, right up there with "crazy"), and further leaving you in a wrecked state, while he goes off to do who knows what. Probably out with his buddies or doing something fun.
Leaving you in a wreck is the whole purpose. More chaos. More abuse. More madness. More manipulations. More guilt-tripping. More blaming. More shaming. More controlling you.
Maybe you might want to call a DV shelter. Just to talk and see about your options. It's scary. Maybe you think you don't qualify just yet. Maybe you wonder if they'll be mean to you, judge you, or something negative will result. It's possible. But they should be the most connected in your area. If they aren't (and such is very possible because not all are great), then perhaps try another town's DV shelter. Make up a name for yourself and your abuser. Remain anonymous. Explore your options.
If you can still return the painting, depending on how costly that was, that might be enough to fuel you out of the area for a bit. But there's a lot to think about when leaving, working out a plan and doing it. Sometimes it works to leap. With some abusers, a person has to lay low and really plot and make sure when they leave, when that next assault, battery happens, it'll be for good and it'll be done with a solid plan, executed and all.
It's not for nothing that your abuser is doing this all to you. They need their prey as trapped as possible. Now you have more bad memories, you are distressed by shoes, this dang painting you must smile and look at in your own bedroom, and who knows what else. He probably felt elated as he left you in bed, as his mission was accomplished, further upsetting you, further trauma bonding you to him (the cruelty, the upsets, the harms inflicted and then he switches and becomes 'rescuer' by stopping the cruelty, pretending to care, wrapping you momentarily in a blanket) is designed to strengthen your bonds to him, see him as your caretaker/rescuer, increase your dependence on him and create further instability for you. Not saying you are unstable but the climate is unstable, as the abuser does this strategically and on purpose.
It's good for you to play along until you can get out of the house. I'm glad you have a friend. Perhaps let the friend know the truth of your reality. Perhaps use the time with your friend to call around for resources, safety planning, shelter options, police options, etc. Perhaps your friend will help you with that. Reaching out can be really scary and risky, but many times it's way better than staying isolated, handling it all yourself.
DV shelters many times have donated clothes and that includes shoes, so perhaps when you leave (assuming you do) you can trade your shoes (or just get different ones from them). They'll remind you of your great escape and beginning of a new life (or your initial attempt at leaving, at least).
I don't know your financial situation, nor how much that darn painting cost, but perhaps you might want to return it, start assembling some funds for you to use in escaping. Financial abuse is present in practically every DV situation and abusers do love to make sure you're as destitute as possible. Try and get your hands on some funds now and keep at it. If you can return the painting and it was super pricey and you're ready to make your escape, then that might be your freedom painting -- freedom funds. Probably will get store credit only.
Anyhow, you're reaching out here and now and that's really something. Abusers make it so they are your world so you cannot imagine an alternative. They wear you down, traumatize you, and make you totally dependent, distraught, etc. Maybe try and see about a support group for battered women so you can make a contact or two, check things out, maybe in another town in case you want to be more anonymous.
I'm glad you have a friend. That's very important. But your friend may not understand the dynamics very well, so think about reaching out to the DV hotline which is a national number.
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Post by Guest on Nov 29, 2018 21:02:26 GMT
There are victim advocates at the police station. Remember, though, that they work for the police and don't keep things confidential. But you could possibly go and speak to a victim advocate at your local police station and make a report about his latest attack on you. Here's a feel good story for you, in case I've made you lose hope in police (although there are a lot of cops who are abusers themselves): www.cnn.com/2018/11/29/us/officer-watches-kids-trnd/index.html
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Post by Wrecked on Dec 2, 2018 3:05:51 GMT
I did something crazy and it all blew up in my face. He attacked me and I'm out but I'm really scared. We had our appointment with the marriage counselor yesterday and when we walked in I slipped a note to her that I wanted to talk to her alone. My husband saw, and the counselor tried to cover for me. She told him it was only a receipt she had dropped. She told us when the session started that she wanted to speak to us each separately for a few minutes and then she'd talk to us together. My husband agreed, but I could tell he was suspicious. I wanted so much to just take the note back and undo everything. So after he left the room, I told her what has really been happening. I can't keep pretending with her that it's just communication issues. Every time I lie to her, after every session, I feel a little more like giving up. It saves me (sometimes) from my husband's wrath, but I feel like a terrible person and I don't know which is worse. It was such a last minute decision, I didn't have time to think about the consequences, a voice in me said, "Just do it" and it was done. So the counselor told me in no uncertain terms that my husband is abusive and she cannot continue to recommend couples counseling. She said she could refer me to an individual therapist. She asked me if I needed someone to come and get me, someone I could call, or if I wanted to report him to the police. I said no because I didn't think they'd do anything as it would have been my word against his because he didn't leave any marks on me, and he already has people convinced that I am crazy, that I am the one with anger issues. I also didn't think I was in grave danger. I just wanted to go on with my plan to go to my friend's the weekend. So the counselor gave me some cards and a list of resources which I refused because I was afraid my husband would find them.
I don't know what happened when she talked to him alone but after we were both in the room again and she recommended individual therapy for us both--for a time, she said--he said no way. He said it was couples counseling or nothing, because HE is not crazy. After we left I could see he was seething so I tried to play along with him, like "Why would she recommend that? We're a couple, we should be in couples therapy." He seemed to calm down but when we got home he started going off. He said he didn't believe she dropped a receipt and this was why he couldn't trust me, because I'm a liar. I couldn't even talk, I was thinking he's right, I'm a liar. I've lied so many times and for so long. He was looking at me for the longest time waiting for me to say something and he shook me and he kept saying, "Tell me I'm wrong! Tell me you're not a liar! Tell me!" He pushed me down on the bed and he punched me in the stomach over and over. It knocked the wind out of me. While I was trying to get my breath, he said if I ever try anything like this again I will be sorry. And then he punched me again. I have never seen him like that, ever. After he left he room I dialed 911. I was afraid he wasn't done and he'd come back. So they came and arrested him and got me to my friend's house, but he was out a few hours later and he told the police he didn't lay a hand on me, he told them I had a history of psychiatric illness and I was making false accusations. I got an emergency restraining order but I have to go to court if I want it to stick and I don't know if it's the right thing to do, I mean it might just make him angry. He has told me that if I want to leave him I should just leave so do you think I should just try telling him that I'm leaving him, and if he leaves me alone, I can avoid court? I'm okay but don't want to go back to him, I can't take it anymore, I just need it to be over. I know it probably won't really be over anytime soon but the sooner the better. I've never done this before, I've never left him before, so I'm lost. What do I do now?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Dec 2, 2018 13:10:43 GMT
Hey Wrecked, I am so sorry this happened to you! You didn't do anything crazy! Please, don't feel like you are the problem here. YOU ARE NOT! You did everything right, you had to lie to save yourself and that is that inner voice in us that says "fight or flight". You are not crazy, the counselor sees it, I see it, others here see it. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY..please, repeat that to yourself 100 times. YOU ARE VICTIM OF A VERY ABUSIVE PERSON! Calling 911 was all the right things, he assaulted you, that was not right and you can press charges. He lied to the police. He lied to the counselor. HE LIES TO YOU. The restraining order only works if YOU make it work. Meaning, you call the police every time he is within 100 feet of you, you don't answer his calls, you don't answer his texts. You ask your friend, your family to not respond to him. NO CONTACT. You are under no obligation to tell him anything at this point. This man could kill you, if he kept going that night, you would be dead right now. Wrecked..you don't deserve to be dead. I don't think so...I for one want you to live and find your happiness in life. IT IS NOT WITH HIM. You say you can't take it anymore, you just want it to be over, then it is time to dig way down deep inside you and stop this jerk from hurting you. THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS TO STAY AWAY from him. To not have any contact so you can get your head together and figure out what is your next step. It sounds like you are in the US. I am too. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 you can remain anonymous and they will help you to figure out what is next. There are court advocates, people who are paid to help you get through the court system. I have an incredible DV center in the city I live in. It has saved me. Use them, it is what they are there for. Domestic Violence happens to 1 out of 3 women. That is huge. AND that is why there are centers there to help. Keep posting here, we will help you and support you and listen and just be there for you. The DV center has legal advice, they have shelters, they have counseling, they have people who can help you find a place to live, to get a job, to rebuild your life. BUT..you have to want this. AND I know it is the most terrifying thing to do..but I can tell you as someone who has been there..it is the very BEST thing I have ever done for myself. I am "normal" again, my life is joyful. Stay with your friend as long as you can. If you need to go home and get your things, call the police for an escort. Go when you can, he may change the locks and then you are screwed. TAKE THE POLICE WITH YOU..don't go alone. NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT...and if he tries, or if he sits outside your friends' house, call the POLICE..Wrecked, this will not end by itself, you have to take control of your life and think ONLY OF YOU. He is going to try and get you back, he is going to promise you the world, he is going to beg you, he will stalk you, he will offer you ANYTHING you want, even promises to never hit you again, to never yell at you..they are EMPTY promises. This man turned into a monster, and if you GIVE him the chance..he will do it again and again and again. He can kill you Wrecked. And don't think he hasn't thought about it. Call the DV helpline when you are ready. It is 1-800-799-7233. Get some sleep if you can, eat well, drink water (try not to drink alcohol, this isn't going to help you), Start to write things down, what you want, what you have, how to get back to your home and gather your belongings. And keep posting here...we are here to help. This forum save me..the people here are incredibly brave and helped me to rebuild my life. "You are BRAVER than you believe, STRONGER than you seem, and smarter than you think" Trust your Journey, Wrecked..trust yourself. Your inner voice is telling you what is best for you. It is not him. You matter, he does not. Karen
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Post by Anonymous on Dec 3, 2018 3:10:45 GMT
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Post by Anonymous on Dec 3, 2018 4:14:36 GMT
Wrecked, Good on you for being so courageous and not only telling your counselor but also for calling 911 and letting the police arrest the criminal otherwise known as your 'husband'. If there was ever a time to get into contact with your local DV shelter, or even calling the national number, it's now. Most have a legal advocate on staff. Others may have their advocates go through extensive training which familiarizes them with restraining orders and how to help you protect yourself as much as possible. Court is going to be a must. But stand strong. Many courthouses have a DV liaison, but remember that DV liaison has no requirement of confidentiality and works for the courthouse, not you. DV shelters and DV hotlines are the place to go as most want to help and most will keep your stuff confidential. It's not for sure, though, so know that. Do you not wish to call because it's hard for you to say this all out loud? Is it because you wonder if they'll be rude or not caring or that you won't qualify? If they aren't helpful, by all means, hang up that phone and see about trying another one. You deserve to be supported. Where is your husband? Is he at the house? What does your emergency restraining order say? Is it a No Contact order? What are the criminal charges? Your husband is likely out shopping for an attorney to defend him in the criminal case and very likely shopping for a divorce attorney, too. He might try the 'baby I've changed, I'll never do it again' route. Or he might go the threatening, intimidating, more violence, scare you into backing down route. It depends on who your abuser is. He is mad. There is no way you cannot have him not be mad. That he is mad shows his entitlement. He attacked you. You rightfully feared him. Good for you for calling the police. He put himself in jail. Just think, if you did such to him, how quickly he'd call the police on you. Also, for him to tell the police that you have a history of psychiatric illness is typical. This is basic abuser stuff. Most all of them do this. His saying you made a false accusation is also typical abuser stuff. It's textbook. Classic abuser. It's DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Abusers deny attacking you. They then smear you as being a liar, crazy, etc. And then, they paint themselves as the victim of you, which is what the whole 'false accusation' nonsense was about. Please make the emergency restraining order permanent. It's up to you, though, especially as you know your abuser best. It depends on how law-abiding your abuser is and how much he has to lose and whether or not he'll take such and make it into the murder-suicide last stand. If he has a job, doesn't have a long criminal record, isn't a thug, and you don't see him going the murder-suicide route, then it's likely having the emergency restraining order become permanent will help you more than hurt you. Again, the DV agencies deal with these things all the time. It's what they do and their job. And they might have an advocate who will go to court with you so you don't have to face him alone. Some courts even have rules where the abusers are kept elsewhere, so he can't intimidate you before the hearing. Don't look at him. Resolve to not look at him as he'll be sure to do something to scare you, make you feel stupid, worthless, "crazy" or whatever else he can do. Ask the courthouse about such or otherwise ask the DV shelter about how to make it through that hearing. Also, if you don't think you'll be able to speak in his presence, write what you want to say down on a piece of paper and stare at the paper and read from it like you're giving a speech in speech class in high school. If the courthouse people know what they are doing and are not corrupt and are decent, respectable people, they'll understand and let you read from a paper. If you voice cracks, or you cry, so be it. Who wouldn't cry? Who wouldn't be upset? If your abuser and his attorney laugh at you, pay them no mind. They'll do whatever it takes to unnerve you, but if you know beforehand, perhaps you won't be taken by surprise. Another thought, is to go to the courthouse and watch what happens in other people's hearings. Just see what the courthouse schedule is, look for the type of hearing yours is, and go on a day when it is not your day. You'll get to find the courthouse, find the courtroom, and sit and see what will likely resemble the process for you. If you've never seen a court hearing, it's a public place and unless the courtroom is for some reason restricted (which is fairly rare, I believe) you can sit there in the back and check things out for yourself. Other women might struggle to speak. Other women might cry. It happens. It's understandable. It shows what hell the abusers inflict on their victims and their victims' lives. If your abuser and his attorney (and he'll be shopping for an unethical, scoundrel, thug of an attorney) laugh at you, pay them no attention. If he threatens you, mocks you with his attorney, or stares you down, or whatever, in the courthouse, in the hallway outside of the courtroom, tell the judge about it. The judge doesn't know any different if you don't tell him/her. If the judge isn't worthless, and many judges are worthless, fellow abusers and corrupt criminals, it'll be understandable and will help you to get you your permanent restraining order. If you lose your ability to speak because of the antics of your abuser in the courthouse, tell the judge about it. Maybe you can just hand him/her your prepared statement and he/she will read it instead. It may not be possible but at least you'll have tried. Some advocates will go to court with you. They'll possibly go to the courthouse with you and help you with the transportation problem (assuming it's a problem). They'll sit by you. You won't be entirely alone. But if you are, know that you have guts, your husband is a criminal and is in the wrong and you deserve to be heard. Then, as the hearing is concluded, and these things usually go very quickly, you can ask that your abuser is made to stay at the courthouse for a bit so you can get a head start out of there. If they refuse your request, security might walk you out to your car so you're not alone and don't have to worry about him waiting for you outside. Perhaps you might want to stay in a shelter. You can meet others who likely have similar experiences and are also going through a life transition, filing for divorce, trying to protect themselves as best they can, having experienced a lot of isolation while with their abuser, too. And you can meet with advocates to help you with the process of court hearings, protection orders, etc. Do you have transportation? You said the police took you to your friend's house. Does he have your only vehicle? Do you not drive? If you want to go back for your stuff, indeed, see about getting a police escort or at least having your friend or someone with you. You don't know what he'll do and try to make certain he isn't there. Does the restraining order keep him out of your home? And if you need a ride to the shelter, I'm pretty sure they can help you with that, too. Consider him your sworn enemy from now on. He was your enemy before but was duping you into believing him to be your husband. Please, try to see it for what it is. Don't give any consideration to his feelings. If you feel bad he went to jail, please think of what he did to deserve a trip to jail. You're important. And you must think of only you. ONLY YOU. Almost all victims are chosen by abusers because they are kind, compassionate, trustworthy, honest, committed people who make for choice victims. He married you because he knew you were a good person and good people, caring, kind, compassionate, ethical, decent people make for excellent victims. Try not to be suckered into feeling bad he was arrested or feeling anything but watching out for you and you only. It's survival. He isn't looking out for you. He wasn't then, and he will certainly not be wanting to do anything for you now, other than hurt you more, very likely ensure you are further damaged, devastated, and financially ruined. Please, if you don't mind telling me, and especially given this is a public forum, what are your concerns or hesitations about contacting a DV agency or DV shelter? If you live in a small town and are worried about people knowing, then maybe look at another town's DV shelter. If you don't think you qualify, you do, rest assured you do. One last bit, and this is for your consideration, perhaps you might want to be mindful of this being a public forum. Your abuser could find this. You might want to change up some details and/or no longer post. It depends on your abuser. I'm really proud of you. You have what it takes. You did a really courageous thing. Very brave. Very strong. And it looks like you're making your great escape before you've hit a point of no return, which is what happens for many. You're still alive and sane, and have yet to be raped, beaten unconscious, strangled, and so forth, so this is very, very good. In one wilderness survival show I saw on tv, it said that you should try your hardest to get found/rescued in the first day(s), because that's when you are in your best shape. If you wait, then you'll be more tired, starving, super cold/hot, dehydrated, etc. when you try and make it out and it's better to get cracking while you can still move fairly well. You may feel really bad, and who wouldn't feel bad?, but you are brave, you're strong, and you're on your way.
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Post by Wrecked on Dec 23, 2018 7:34:41 GMT
Hi again, it's been almost 3 weeks and I wish I could say things are better but it has been hell to be honest. I went back to the house with the police to get my things, I was told he wouldn't be there but he was. I told them I'd rather come back when he wasn't there and they told me since we were already there, might as well get it over with, and one of them would wait outside the house with him. He was charming and polite and the police officer was talking with him and smiling, like they were best buddies. Even at one point, my husband said to me that it was f*cked up that I went and made false accusations and started all this restraining order BS when we could have worked things out like adults. The officer completely sympathized with him, he did tell him not to talk to me but then he was like "Look I know you're upset and emotions are high, but that could be considered harassment so it's best not to say anything." I felt like the officer believed I was the problem. I called the police department after and made a complaint, and they said they would look into it but I've heard nothing. Then I went to the hearing for restraining order, and he convinced the judge that I was a danger to HIM. He maintained that I attacked him, not the other way around. He didn't leave any marks on me so it was my word against his. My restraining order was granted but he also got one granted against me. After all that I realized last week that he was following me. At least 3 times, I knew for sure it was him behind me. But he wouldn't follow for long, maybe a minute or two, just enough for me to know he was there. I called the police but he was always long gone by the time they came. I ran into him in the parking lot, coming out of the pharmacy, and he blocked my way and he told me I'd better quit following him or I was going to get arrested. I tried to push past him and he grabbed my arm. I said I'd call the police myself and he let me go. I ran back inside and he called out after me and he said things don't have to be this way...just come home. I did call the police and when they arrived, he was still outside, waiting for him with his lies. Though he did leave a mark on me this time, he told them I shoved him, I was attacking him and he only grabbed my arm to stop me. The fact was he had a prescription there and I didn't, I only went for some cough medication, so I guess they figured he had reason to be there and that was enough for them to question my story. I tried to tell them that he blocked my path, and that's why I pushed him, I never attacked him, and they told me if they arrested him, they'd have to arrest me too and asked if I wanted that? I said no and he smirked at me, like he was saying to me that I can NEVER win, that he will always come out ahead. I've been reporting all of this to the court advocate and she said she'd bring it all to the judge's attention at the hearing for the domestic assault charges, but she's been pretty straight with me that he may not be charged with anything, AT ALL. She says she 100% believes me, but the prosecutor's office often declines to pursue charges when there is no physical evidence. Punches to the stomach don't leave marks, so apparently he gets away with it? I'm really scared and angry and I feel so defeated. I shouldn't be so surprised; this is how it always goes. He can convince anyone of anything.
I finally did call the hotline and they gave me the names of some counselors which I've made an appointment for one next week, and a legal aid office where I will hopefully be able to get a lawyer pro bono, because I know I'm going to need a good one, if anything, to fight the accusations he's been making against me. I don't understand what he needs to do to be held accountable. Does he have to hurt or threaten me in front of the police or give me a black eye, or put me in the hospital?
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Post by anonymous on Jan 2, 2019 1:53:10 GMT
To answer your question, Wrecked - yes. Pretty much. And even murdered women don't get justice. Men beat to death their girlfriends, gun down their wives and some stab their ex-wives to death and they walk free (or nearly free, with only a few years in prison).
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jan 4, 2019 3:54:20 GMT
Hey Wrecked..thinking of you today and hoping things are getting better. I know it may sometimes feel like things are horrible, but take one day at a time,even one hour at a time if that is what you need.
You can win..you want to know how? No contact. NONE. PERIOD. What he wants right now is to get a reaction from you..ANY REACTION at all fills his need to make your life miserable. He won't get away with it, at some point in his life Karma will catch up with him and he will rot. Narcissists and/or abusers are NEVER happy inside. Please try and tell yourself this. He is a miserable human being. He has been miserable for a very long time. Most Narcissists are extremely unhappy people, they will stay that way because they are never truly satisfied.
I know this is all hard to understand, but one thing that helped me, is I began to really see my ex partners for the miserable people that they are. They are awful. AND THERE IS NOTHING you or I or any victim of abuse can do to change who these people are.
What you can do is focus on YOU. ONLY YOU. Begin to listen to that little child in you who needs and deserves to be loved. Begin to discover who you are, what makes you smile and when you figure out even ONE tiny thing that makes you smile? You hold onto that and begin to grow from there. All the while going NO CONTACT.
He is not going to give up, he does not want you to focus on you, he WANTS YOU TO FOCUS ON HIM...the very best revenge you can get is to love YOU. IGNORE HIM..and I mean truly ignore him. Tell yourself that he has died. You may think, "I can't do that, he isn't dead". Yes you can, your brain will start to grieve..which you will do and probably already are, and by him being "dead"..then you cannot contact him, you cannot talk to him, you cannot see him. You will start to heal. And he will continue to be miserable. BUT that is HIS PROBLEM, not yours.
I will say this one more time...stay away from him as far as you can. No texting, no e-mailing, no answering phone calls, don't even talk to any common friends, no posting on social media, NOTHING. This will bother him to no end. Remember..he wants a reaction from you, he wants attention. Don't give him anything.
Trust Your Journey Wrecked..it will lead you to that peace that you crave.
I am glad you called the hotline and glad you are talking to a counselor.
I am learning that police are doing that more recently, arresting both parties in the domestic disturbance, mostly because there are women out there who abuse their spouses.Police don't pick sides, they just take you both in and let a judge sort it out.
I wish there was a better answer, this is one of the most difficult things I struggle with, the fact that they get away with so much hurt and abuse. I have finally begun to learn and accept that the best way is to ignore them completely. It also helps me to stop thinking about them. It has been 5 years for me..and I am so much better than I was. No CONTACT and LOVE YOU..Wrecked. You deserve to be at peace.
Karen
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Post by guest on Jan 11, 2019 20:33:13 GMT
How are you, Wrecked?
I hope you are managing okay. It's a really tough spot to be in transition and extricating yourself from your abuser's entanglement and entrapment. I respectfully disagree with Karen, in that, narcs and abusers are not miserable people, but rather they are very happy with themselves, very proud of their abuse, and quite well served by abusing their wife because they get whatever they demand, forever are catered to, and have 100 percent control. They consider themselves mini-gods and are forever right, forever justified, forever entitled.
That he is being all friendly with the cops is tactical and so very common. I'm proud of you for having enforced that restraining order as such is so difficult. Maybe consider another county's DV shelter so that he cannot as easily claim to be in the same area as you, without looking suspicious.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jan 13, 2019 16:58:22 GMT
Hey Guest, I understand what you are saying about them being "happy with themselves". I have done some reading, and my take away is that Narcs never got the love and care and attention they wanted as a child. They seek it, and they will do whatever they have to to get it because in their mind, they are the ONLY one who matters and everyone around them are on this earth to meet that need. My statement that they are "miserable"..is because they are and NOTHING satisfies them. It is a constant race to fulfill their selfish "fix" of being the focus of attention. It is never ending and that is why I believe they are miserable. Because, someone who is genuinely happy inside? Doesn't hurt other people on purpose, they don't claim to "love" someone and then tear them to pieces. People who are miserable on the inside..they have to tear others down to make themselves feel better.
And honestly, I don't think they are happy with themselves. They crave being given attention and they see no other way to get that than to make themselves bigger, by making others small.
Karen
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