Im to embarrassed to leave nam
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Post by Im to embarrassed to leave nam on Oct 15, 2018 15:29:48 GMT
Hello and I’m sorry I didn’t leave my name I’m so embarrassed because I am back with my husband. I feel like I have let my grown children down and I just can’t seem to make everyone happy no matter how hard I try. My husband was in jail but is out now and has sworn he is different that his time away has made him realize how wrong he was and how wonderful I am. He doesn’t want to leave the church just yet but said we will. I did make a promise to be with him until death do us part so I feel so bad for being so unfaithful to our marriage and I’m not sure how to handle things? He has never agreed to leave the church before so that’s a big sign to me. My first Sunday back was very hard which I know is simply because I have been so unfaithful and not attending. I feel like I have so much ground to make up. I am not sure where to start actually. Things here in the home are a mess and I’m not sure what to do with all of these negative feelings he has been leaving me lists to complete each day and that helps I have trouble making decisions and that is true. My question is, how do I get our marriage back to being wonderful? He is asking me to go back and we are going to act like we did when we were first married and I’m trying so hard to be loving and affectionate but having a hard time honestly feeling those things and he can tell. I will be honest I am afraid that things will go bad again and I’m just hoping with all my heart he is being honest
Thank you for letting me post
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Oct 18, 2018 1:59:47 GMT
Hello, no apologies needed for not leaving your name and your posts are welcome here! Glad you felt you could share your story. It is ok. My question is What is making you feel embarrassed about being back with your husband? Do you want to be with him? I can only imagine that you are having many thoughts and feelings about being back with him. One of those feelings that can be hard to shake is that we have "let everyone down". I don't think you have let anyone down. Going back was your choice and you made the best choice you could at the time you made it. Only you can decide if you made the right choice for you.
One thing that is part of the "fallout"of abuse is feeling shame and believing that you are responsible for his behaviors. YOU are not. I hear you saying that you have to make your marriage work, that YOU have to get your marriage back to being wonderful. I am not sure this is all YOUR responsibility...you are not the only person who should do this as I believe there are two people in a marriage and each is responsible for contributing to the relationship.
You mentioned that "he wants us to go back, to the way things were when we were first married.". While I am sure those memories are filled with love and fun and excitement, please think about the possibility that going back to that. is when he worked really hard to "hook" you. It is called the "honeymoon" phase in the cycle of abuse. It is that feel good time when we really believe that he loves us. But it doesn't last long and I suspect your fear that it will go bad again, is that inner voice in you that knows he will abuse you again.
Please know..all the feelings and thoughts you are having are because that inner voice in you is telling you that this relationship isn't healthy. There are many people in this world who believe that "inner voice" is God speaking to us. Yes, God can tell us that maybe the marriage we are in is not the one we should be in? I know I had a VERY difficult time leaving and divorcing my husband. i promised before God to love my husband with all my heart, and all my soul until death do us part. He promised too and he didn't live up to his end of the promise. He abused me. I believe that God did not want me to be abused. I left and I have never regretted a day since. My faith in God is stronger than ever, because I started to really listen to what He was saying to me. My ex-husband almost became a priest when he was younger. He lead me to believe that he had a strong faith in God. He led me to believe a lot of things that I now know were not true. Firs and foremost..my ex-husband is not God. I was taught to obey my husband..and I now know that the only thing I should "honor and obey" is my God. The God I believe in wants a husband and wife to respect each other and hitting each other, yelling, manipulating, controlling, making the other feel horrible, causing the other to feel unloved...that is not a healthy marriage. God never said I was to endure a partner who beat me and treated me horribly. My husband was supposed to cherish me..he didn't and I forgave him SEVERAL times. He never changed and he kept doing it over and over again.
Please don't feel embarrassed or shame because you went back. It happens and it is very understandable. I am not sure what else to say.
We are here to listen, to support, and not to judge. If you can, I would suggest counselling for both you and your husband. I know your church is important to you, but if you decide to get counselling, I would urge you to find a counselor who is NOT in your church. That is your choice, but I don't believe that person would be objective.
What are your hopes and dreams at this point regarding your marriage? It is okay to not want to be married, it is ok to want to be safe, and trusted and loved for who you are.
I am glad you posted here, you are always welcome to share your thoughts and concerns, please know you are always welcome!
Karen
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Post by No name girl on Nov 14, 2018 1:00:08 GMT
Thanks for your reply Karen! I don’t have a lot of free time so I need to be quick and I’m not able to get online often. I’m embarrassed for several reasons I guess. 1- that I left and wasn’t strong or good enough to keep him happy. 2- part of me feels like I should run for the hills and because I’m back just proves I’m a loser and deserve any punishment I may receive. We have good days just fewer good than bad. I feel very lost and my head is spinning. On one hand it seems so simple, I’m just being asked to be a good wife and I can’t. However when I came before I remember Steve telling me he will always move the goal, change what is acceptable. What now? I’m pretty stupid I know. I feel stupid writing it yet it’s the elephant in the room  Any and all advice please!! |
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Post by No name girl on Nov 14, 2018 1:02:03 GMT
Thanks for your reply Karen! I don’t have a lot of free time so I need to be quick and I’m not able to get online often. I’m embarrassed for several reasons I guess. 1- that I left and wasn’t strong or good enough to keep him happy. 2- part of me feels like I should run for the hills and because I’m back just proves I’m a loser and deserve any punishment I may receive. We have good days just fewer good than bad. I feel very lost and my head is spinning. On one hand it seems so simple, I’m just being asked to be a good wife and I can’t. However when I came before I remember Steve telling me he will always move the goal, change what is acceptable. What now? I’m pretty stupid I know. I feel stupid writing it yet it’s the elephant in the room Any and all advice please!! |
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 14, 2018 2:29:31 GMT
Hello, first of all I think that the fact that you left tells me YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG. I know you don't feel strong, but it takes a lot of courage to leave and you did. You are more than he deserves and you are more than good enough. The problem here is not YOU..it is HIM. AND as you said, he keeps changing the goal. You can NEVER make him happy and I mean that in the nicest way. NOTHING will make him happy, despite him telling you "if only you would be a good wife, I would be happy". Well, fun fact, you were not put on this earth to make this JERK happy. NO ONE will make him happy. He is MISERABLE inside and he chooses to be that way. Second, I agree with your "inner" voice, that part of you and me that is innate, it tells us when danger is near and your inner voice is speaking volumes to you about RUNNING. Yes, you should run. Ok, that is the only time I am going to tell you what to do..only because you are already telling yourself that. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER< YOU ARE NOT A LOSER YOU ARE NOT A LOSER..repeat after me "I AM NOT A LOSER". Say this 50 times. AND then add, "I did nothing wrong and don't deserve to be punished". You did nothing wrong!! You deserve to be loved, cared for, respected, cherished, and valued. No where in there is any room to be punished. Your partner, on the other hand, should be thrown somewhere and left to rot. You are also not stupid. I know you feel stupid, but feelings and facts are two very different things. You are smart, you are wise, you are educated and you are brave. You are not stupid. Please remember, almost every single person who leaves an ABUSIVE relationship goes back at some point. And, we all have felt shame and embarassment. Many times. I felt incredibly stupid as I dated a guy in college who was abusive, I left him and fell for a guy I married who also abused me for 26 years, I rebounded from him into a relationship with a guy who taught me what a sociopath looks like. I feel stupid, but I promise you...like you..I am not stupid. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I fell for men I couldn't have resisted even if I tried. I am no longer that person who can't resist. I wanted something different, I wanted happiness and I learned that I am worthy of loving myself more than a man who made me feel like gum on the bottom of his shoe. Yes, there were "good times"..but they really weren't. I was led to believe that they were, but I know now that they were mostly manipulations to get me to do what he wanted by him making me feel good. He just as easily turned and made me feel horrible. Everyday is a new opportunity to leave and find that happiness that you crave. That little voice you are hearing is the real you, it wants to be happy, it wants to be loved and it tells you that you deserve all of that. AND that the jerk you are with is NOT the opinion to be considered. This guy will do ANYTHING he has to in order to keep you feeling like you are not good enough, that you are stupid, that you are not strong, and that you should be punished. ANYTHING. He truly believes that you exist to satisfy him. AND no matter what he tells you? It is for him to satisfy his needs and wants. HIS. Not yours. No Matter what he tells YOU...NO MATTER WHAT> It is all to satisfy him. HIM. NOT YOU. What do you want? What now? I urge you to call your local DV center and talk to a counselor. You can leave again and stay gone. You can walk away and rebuild your life. You can stay and live the life you are in and continue to feel sad and hurt and be abused. None of these options are easy, all of them have risk, but the bottom line is... what do you want? AND Remember....What you want matters to me. It ok for it to matter to you, and it matters to all of us who have walked in your shoes. WE care. He doesn't. He never will. Because if he did? If he truly honestly cared, you wouldn't be posting here. I am a stranger to you, but I promise you..I care more about you than he ever will. So, what now? We will support you in whatever you choose to do. We are here. Hugs to you!  Karen |
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To embarrassed to leave my nam
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Post by To embarrassed to leave my nam on Nov 28, 2018 0:10:19 GMT
Thanks for you kind words Karen. I’m sorry I take so long between posts but my access and time is very limited. I am kept on a pretty strict schedule. He goes out a lot at night. You asked me what I want. I’m not sure, part of me just wants him to just love me and for us to have a wonderful Christmas. Part of me wants to run. Part of me wants to die. Part of me just wants to breathe normal and feel normal and feel peace and happiness. Part of me believes what he tells me that I am an idiot and cannot do anything on my own without him. Part of me believes that I am a very bad Christian and wife and it’s because I simply won’t be obedient. Part of me also believes all that isnt true and I’m married to a very mean person. That person even may enjoy hurting me. Now I circle right back to , no that’s not true I’m crazy. Can I just say I appreciate your care and support I just am not really sure how or what support I need. Forgive me for being so indecisive |
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 29, 2018 2:19:54 GMT
Hi Guest, it is very ok to not know what you want or need. And very understandable that you have different parts that want different things. AND..it is ok, reply or post when you can. The point here is to stay safe. Don't do anything that draws him to question what is going on, the fallout may end up on you.
I completely understand..we just want them to love us, for that feeling we had in the beginning when we fell in love, for it to be real and last. Feeling peace and happiness..all things that you deserve.
Running is not a bad idea, also very understandable. Not easy to do though, but not impossible either.
I hope you don't ever do anything to make yourself die. Your life may not feel valuable to you, but it is to those of us out here rooting for you. If that feeling gets worse, or stronger, please call the suicide hotline..your life is worth it..no matter what your partner says!
Please don't believe him. You are not an idiot, and you can do amazing things without him. You are not a bad Christian. I know your religion tells you to be obedient..that being obedient means you are a "good" wife. Honestly, you are a very awesome wife. You are loving a man who deserves nothing. God says to be obedient..God said this over 2000 years ago. We are not property of our husbands or partners. I believe that when God said that, he didn't mean that you have to do what your partner says. It also says for husbands to honor their wives. AND your partner doesn't do this. He lies, he doesn't love you the way God intended for a man to love a woman. The words in the Bible can be twisted to fit any scenario you or your partner wants, so it fits his wants.
God wants you and me and all victims of abuse to be happy. I believe that God does not support domestic violence. AND I know that may be hard to understand, but God is not ok with you being abused.
I believe you are married to a Narcissist. AND Narcissists are not nice people. He enjoys controlling you and he is annoyed that you are hurt by what he does to you. He wants you to do what he says because he truly believes that what he says is 100% truth. It is NOT. It is wrong on so many levels.
You are not crazy. You are not crazy. There are people on this earth who are evil. Who are selfish, who lie, who hurt others and have no genuine remorse. THEY are NARCISSISTs and your partner is one of those people. There are many many many people on this earth who are just like him. AND there is nothing you can do to change him. The only person you can change is YOU>
I will be here and support you in any way that you need. No forgiveness needed from me. I just want you to trust that voice in you that is telling you the truth, and that is that you are married to a person who treats you horribly because he has a problem. NOT YOU.
The other truth, you do not have to live this way. Perhaps someday you will find a way to leave. In the mean time, we are here for you. Whenever you can post. AGain, be safe. That is what matters.
Karen
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Post by Guest on Nov 29, 2018 5:31:13 GMT
Just a quick note as I have not read your posts but merely glanced at such and saw you were a Christian and felt as though your vows to God are until death do you part.
I understand that. I hoped to die soon as I too thought I was in it for life. But God doesn't want us to be unequally yoked and by abusing you, your husband is showing he isn't a Christian. There is no such thing as a marriage to an abuser. It's a master/slave, predation setup. He lied to you and God when he said his marital vows. The Bible talks about wolves in sheep's clothing.
There are a couple of websites, blogs even, for you to check out if you wish:
cryingoutforjustice.com
unholycharade.com
Both are exclusively dealing with Christians and talk heavily about wrongly used Bible verses, marriage being wrongly turned into an idol in most conservative Christian circles and churches today, and clarify that nowhere in the Bible does it say that God hates divorce. It actually says that God hates the man who wrongly divorces his wife for some trivial reason, and his hardness of heart, but still, in that setup, God allows divorce (because really, a man that hardhearted, putting away his wife, isn't exactly marriage material but this is my comment, not God's Holy Word) and does not fault the wife, but rather it's on the man.
Your abuser, by being an abuser, is not married to you. He has broken the covenant. Your abuser is not a Christian but rather is a liar. Recall the Bible verse where it talks about the angel of darkness masquerading as an angel of light. The marriage never existed. You are free to separate, free to divorce. Abandonment, abuse, and adultery are all acceptable, perfectly valid and understandable reasons for finalizing things by filing divorce papers.
Your abuser will never change. He is a child of the devil. Abusers are not Christian. Remember the Bible verse where it says you shall know them by their fruit? Think about what God's Word says of Satan -- liar, murderer, thief, destroyer, prowler. Your abuser's fruit says it all. He is an abuser. And abuse is basically murder. It destroys the woman's mind, health, well-being, confidence, self-esteem, and more. It's a slow drip IV of poison.
If you worry God is going to cast you into hell if you dare to divorce, then worry not, as abuse, desertion/abandonment, and adultery free you of being enslaved to this wicked man. No need to be unequally yoked, as God does not require such of you. And abusers are not about to come to God, stop being abusers. No matter what you do or don't do, your abuser is an abuser and is going to stay that way.
Recall the Bible verses asking what light has to do with darkness and what righteousness has to do with unrighteousness. God wants you to protect yourself. Jesus came to free you of bondage, give you life and a free, full life, not to enslave you. What does your abuser do to you? Enslaves you, harms you, abuses you. Abusers are not Christians. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. They devour the sheep.
I said a prayer for you. Wishing you the very, very best.
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Post by No name on Dec 6, 2018 0:02:44 GMT
I really appreciate the reply’s. It does amaze me how people respond to me on here and they don’t even know me!
I really appreciate the prayers. I just feel like I can’t leave right now with it being Christmas. I feel like such a bad wife for even thinking about it. Also I’m pretty sure he has an idea of what’s going and suspects I may leave. He is really good at having me watched or for my own protection keep me in a safe place. I feel a little confused as to what to focus on.
I want to try and be a good wife, he only asks that I keep his home clean and feeling like a home. He loves my cooking (most of the time) and asks that I cook him breakfast and dinner. He also wants me to enjoy church again. I can’t figure out if I struggle with those things because I’m a selfish sinner, who can’t seem to be happy with what the Lord has given me. After all what he is asking me to do is very normal wife duties. However on the other hand some of the duties he expects are difficult and I know this sounds terrible of me to say but I hate our church. I hate the Pastor. My first few times back, I actually threw up in the bathroom. I was a nervous wreck. So silly of me I guess. It does prove how weak I am as a person. Which is exactly why I should be a wife I’m in capable of taking care of myself.
I guess my mind goes in circles. Thanks for allowing me to talk this out. Thank you for your prayers. They are much appreciated. I just wish I could have a cup of coffee with a friend and talk openly and not worry.
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