Post by Confused on Aug 23, 2018 8:02:53 GMT
Hello,
I apologize in advance...this got awfully long.
I am new to this forum. And I'm not sure if I belong here--I'm not sure exactly how to classify what's been going on, but I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm not sure where else to turn. I have been divorced from my ex-husband for 2 years now, though I just moved out last fall, due to financial reasons--I was a stay at home mom for 7 years so it was difficult to find full-time work. We were together for 12 years, married for 10 and have one child (E) together, who we share custody with. We have been getting along better lately, much better than we ever did when we were married, or so it has seemed. But just so often, I'm reminded of who he really is and why it's all wishful thinking.
Just to give you an idea: a week ago, we had a fight. Huge. Long story short, I was scheduled to pick E up from his house, but a friend who lives right down the street from my ex was headed to my side of town so I asked her if she could pick E up from my ex's house. My ex normally picks up E from school and then I pick up E from him after I get off work. I live 25 miles from him and I had a dentist appointment so this would have saved me the trip. She said she could, but it would have to be right away because she was in a hurry. So, I call my ex and tell him my friend can pick E up, if he is ready to go. He tells me already has food in the oven. So I tell him I can feed E if necessary. My ex gets angry and goes passive-aggressive and says, nevermind, I'll just throw the food out, since you decided to make plans without me. Of course I hadn't, I had called to ask him if E was ready to go. I told him if he wanted to feed him, that was fine, I'd just come by after my dentist appointment. But he insisted that's not what happened I just decided that my friend was picking up E and that was that. I don't know why I tried to reason with him, yet again. It never ever goes well. He explodes, and then when call him out, he decides the conversation is over because I'm, in his words,overreacting, oversensitive, and I'm just going to do what I want, anyway. I lost it this time and told him to do what he wanted and also to F*ck off, which I have never ever done before, and he hung up the phone. I wait a little bit and call him back to find out if my friend is picking E up and he doesn't answer but texts me that E is on his way with my friend. For some reason, I always think I can just reason with him and make him understand what he's doing and how it makes me feel, so I stupidly try to call him back later on. My calls go straight to voicemail. So the next day I show up at his house to pick E up as usual. My ex acts like everything is perfectly fine, as if the whole thing never happened, and then, when I'm not in the mood to chat, he acts surprised and asks me what my problem is NOW.
That is just an example has been my life for the past 12+ years. Really anything would set him off...things about me, like my forgetfulness, my inability to focus at times, my tendency to misplace things--family traits on my side--drove him CRAZY. Once, early on, I lost the front door house keys, so he went off on me, then changed the locks. A few weeks later, couldn't find my keys again. He wasn't home, but I remember tearing the house apart, CRYING, begging to God to help me find them because I was that afraid of yet another verbal lashing from him. And the thing is, I blamed myself, for being so flighty, for not being more careful, I asked myself over and over "What is wrong with you?" Fortunately I found the keys in the house and I don't remember ever feeling so relieved.
90% of the time, things were/are okay, even good at times. Then he goes off and says awful things and twists my words, and he yells and he slams doors. I used to cry, but not anymore, at least, not in front of him. I either shut down--at which point he says he doesn't know why he bothers because talking to me is like talking to a tree stump-- or I get angry, extremely angry and that's not allowed. If he gets angry, I'm supposed to take it but if I do, I'm crazy and unreasonable, and the conversation is SHUT DOWN. Immediately. Even if I don't get angry, the moment I say something he doesn't want to hear--like the truth--it's the same reaction. I tell myself that "next time", I'm going to remain calm and not show any emotion and not let him get under my skin...but he knows just what to say.
Nothing is ever his fault, it's always mine. He was married twice before me and when I asked him what he thinks went wrong in those marriages, he insisted he had no part in those marriages going wrong. It wasn't him it was them. His only mistake, he said, was marrying the wrong person. Now I know for a fact that one of his wives was a drug addict, I'll give him that, as she lived nearby our house for many years, and he says she was abusive to him and robbed him blind for drug money...that part I don't know for sure. Anyway, he takes zero blame in either case for either of his first 2 failed marriages.
4 years ago I found out that he had been having explicit conversations with women online, and with one woman in particular, for 3+ years. He was chatting with her while I was on bedrest with a pregnancy I ultimately lost, and he was actually talking with her not 1/2 an hour before I went into labor. I left town for a while after that to spend time with my family, and when I got back, that's when I found his chat logs and not only that, I found out that he had invited this woman over while I was gone. I don't know if she came but I confronted him and he flat out denied knowing who she was or ever talking to her, despite the fact that he had been for at least 3 years, it had been less than a month since he'd invited her over. A bit later, I went to him again and he still denied it, so I told him I had seen the chats, and I asked him if he needed me to show them to him and he smugly told me he'd already deleted them. But I had already copied them and emailed them to myself and to a family member for safekeeping, and I told him so. When he realized he couldn't deny it anymore, he said IF he did it, he didn't remember! I've said that he could be standing in the middle of a bank with a bag of cash, a ski mask on his face, and a gun in his hand, and he would still say, without out an ounce of hesitation, "It wasn't me". He admits NOTHING.
There are and were times when he can be sweet and fun and charming and being that I've been trying to co-parent with him the best I can, we spend more time together than we probably should and I've even caught myself at times, feeling something for him again. I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad and I never wanted E to grow up in broken home, maybe I should have given it more of a chance. Maybe I gave up too easily, maybe I didn't try to understand him enough, maybe I do overreact, maybe I am too emotional. Fortunately (I think), it's not long before he explodes again and reminds me WHY I left.
The hardest part of this is that nearly everyone around him thinks he is a SAINT. So early on, I began telling myself that there must be something wrong with me, I must be seeing things wrong. I mean, how can someone who is as sweet and charming and giving and altruistic as he is, be a bad person?
Only when I began to consider filing for divorce and letting people know, did I realize that other people had seen it too, maybe those who had lived with him or spent significant time with he and I alone together, and maybe not to the extent that I had, but that was the first time I realized that other people KNEW that things were not as perfect as he wanted them to appear. His own grown child, who I know loves him very much, when I told them we were getting divorced, said to me, "I understand. I've lived with him. I know what he's like." My sister who at first, thought he was just depressed, later took it back and told me she thought he was a narcissist. A friend of mine, who I met in the midst of divorce, but who spent a lot of time at our house, when I told her what was going on on, she said, "I get it. I've seen the way he talks to you." Funny, but someone else not too long before, had said those exact words to me. When I went into counseling before I filed for divorce, I asked him to come once, and after speaking with him privately, she told me privately, "He's abusive". And then, when my divorce attorney told me that she wanted to include "emotional abuse" on my divorce papers, I got angry at her because I STILL didn't want to believe it. She very calmly told me that it was my choice, but she'd been in family law for a long time and based on what I told her, that's exactly what it was.
It still feels a little bit strange being here, on a domestic violence website, because even though I know the way he treated me was wrong, I question whether I really have any business being here, because he didn't call me awful names, he didn't isolate me, he wasn't overly controlling of me, or of the money, and he never laid a hand on me, although he did tell me a few times that I should be glad he'd "mellowed out" as he got older, because he would have probably punched out a wall, and there was that one time he held a girlfriend by the neck...and threatened to kill another one because she wouldn't stop calling his family and trying to turn them against him. He told me these things over and over again, as if it's something to be proud of.
I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do, or how to handle dealing with him anymore. I thought I could handle it, I thought we were doing better, and his little outbursts were not so bad considering how well we were getting along otherwise. But after this last fight, it really hit me that he's been playing this game for 12 YEARS, and the good times aren't worth it anymore. I'm still making excuses for him, mostly internally, and I'm still laying awake at night thinking, "Maybe if I'd only done this...maybe if I hadn't done that...if I'd just stop and listen...if I'd just think about what I'm saying...if I just wouldn't lose my temper", knowing none of that has ever worked before, but hoping that if I just say the right thing, approach him the right way, I can't get him to GET IT. It's been 2 years since our divorce was finalized, 9 months since I moved out, and it's taken me THIS LONG to see it. I'm 40 years old...40 year olds are supposed to have their shit together right? How could I be so naive to think I could get him to change, or to see what he was doing as wrong? What is wrong with ME? I'm tired, so tired, of trying to be strong, of putting on a brave face, of smiling and telling everyone that I'm fine, when I know I'm not. I feel robbed of my 30's...and I feel robbed of my self-esteem, my confidence, my ability to trust my own instincts and judgment. I question myself constantly, even about things that have nothing to do with him. If I make a mistake at work, I worry all night that I'm going to get fired. If a co-worker or a friend is very quiet one day, I wonder if I did something to upset them. I constantly worry that I'm being judged and that people who say they love and care about me, actually don't.
I don't know how I can co-parent with this man and at the same time, heal from everything he put me through, but I don't have a choice...so how? How do I do it?
I apologize in advance...this got awfully long.
I am new to this forum. And I'm not sure if I belong here--I'm not sure exactly how to classify what's been going on, but I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm not sure where else to turn. I have been divorced from my ex-husband for 2 years now, though I just moved out last fall, due to financial reasons--I was a stay at home mom for 7 years so it was difficult to find full-time work. We were together for 12 years, married for 10 and have one child (E) together, who we share custody with. We have been getting along better lately, much better than we ever did when we were married, or so it has seemed. But just so often, I'm reminded of who he really is and why it's all wishful thinking.
Just to give you an idea: a week ago, we had a fight. Huge. Long story short, I was scheduled to pick E up from his house, but a friend who lives right down the street from my ex was headed to my side of town so I asked her if she could pick E up from my ex's house. My ex normally picks up E from school and then I pick up E from him after I get off work. I live 25 miles from him and I had a dentist appointment so this would have saved me the trip. She said she could, but it would have to be right away because she was in a hurry. So, I call my ex and tell him my friend can pick E up, if he is ready to go. He tells me already has food in the oven. So I tell him I can feed E if necessary. My ex gets angry and goes passive-aggressive and says, nevermind, I'll just throw the food out, since you decided to make plans without me. Of course I hadn't, I had called to ask him if E was ready to go. I told him if he wanted to feed him, that was fine, I'd just come by after my dentist appointment. But he insisted that's not what happened I just decided that my friend was picking up E and that was that. I don't know why I tried to reason with him, yet again. It never ever goes well. He explodes, and then when call him out, he decides the conversation is over because I'm, in his words,overreacting, oversensitive, and I'm just going to do what I want, anyway. I lost it this time and told him to do what he wanted and also to F*ck off, which I have never ever done before, and he hung up the phone. I wait a little bit and call him back to find out if my friend is picking E up and he doesn't answer but texts me that E is on his way with my friend. For some reason, I always think I can just reason with him and make him understand what he's doing and how it makes me feel, so I stupidly try to call him back later on. My calls go straight to voicemail. So the next day I show up at his house to pick E up as usual. My ex acts like everything is perfectly fine, as if the whole thing never happened, and then, when I'm not in the mood to chat, he acts surprised and asks me what my problem is NOW.
That is just an example has been my life for the past 12+ years. Really anything would set him off...things about me, like my forgetfulness, my inability to focus at times, my tendency to misplace things--family traits on my side--drove him CRAZY. Once, early on, I lost the front door house keys, so he went off on me, then changed the locks. A few weeks later, couldn't find my keys again. He wasn't home, but I remember tearing the house apart, CRYING, begging to God to help me find them because I was that afraid of yet another verbal lashing from him. And the thing is, I blamed myself, for being so flighty, for not being more careful, I asked myself over and over "What is wrong with you?" Fortunately I found the keys in the house and I don't remember ever feeling so relieved.
90% of the time, things were/are okay, even good at times. Then he goes off and says awful things and twists my words, and he yells and he slams doors. I used to cry, but not anymore, at least, not in front of him. I either shut down--at which point he says he doesn't know why he bothers because talking to me is like talking to a tree stump-- or I get angry, extremely angry and that's not allowed. If he gets angry, I'm supposed to take it but if I do, I'm crazy and unreasonable, and the conversation is SHUT DOWN. Immediately. Even if I don't get angry, the moment I say something he doesn't want to hear--like the truth--it's the same reaction. I tell myself that "next time", I'm going to remain calm and not show any emotion and not let him get under my skin...but he knows just what to say.
Nothing is ever his fault, it's always mine. He was married twice before me and when I asked him what he thinks went wrong in those marriages, he insisted he had no part in those marriages going wrong. It wasn't him it was them. His only mistake, he said, was marrying the wrong person. Now I know for a fact that one of his wives was a drug addict, I'll give him that, as she lived nearby our house for many years, and he says she was abusive to him and robbed him blind for drug money...that part I don't know for sure. Anyway, he takes zero blame in either case for either of his first 2 failed marriages.
4 years ago I found out that he had been having explicit conversations with women online, and with one woman in particular, for 3+ years. He was chatting with her while I was on bedrest with a pregnancy I ultimately lost, and he was actually talking with her not 1/2 an hour before I went into labor. I left town for a while after that to spend time with my family, and when I got back, that's when I found his chat logs and not only that, I found out that he had invited this woman over while I was gone. I don't know if she came but I confronted him and he flat out denied knowing who she was or ever talking to her, despite the fact that he had been for at least 3 years, it had been less than a month since he'd invited her over. A bit later, I went to him again and he still denied it, so I told him I had seen the chats, and I asked him if he needed me to show them to him and he smugly told me he'd already deleted them. But I had already copied them and emailed them to myself and to a family member for safekeeping, and I told him so. When he realized he couldn't deny it anymore, he said IF he did it, he didn't remember! I've said that he could be standing in the middle of a bank with a bag of cash, a ski mask on his face, and a gun in his hand, and he would still say, without out an ounce of hesitation, "It wasn't me". He admits NOTHING.
There are and were times when he can be sweet and fun and charming and being that I've been trying to co-parent with him the best I can, we spend more time together than we probably should and I've even caught myself at times, feeling something for him again. I find myself thinking it wasn't so bad and I never wanted E to grow up in broken home, maybe I should have given it more of a chance. Maybe I gave up too easily, maybe I didn't try to understand him enough, maybe I do overreact, maybe I am too emotional. Fortunately (I think), it's not long before he explodes again and reminds me WHY I left.
The hardest part of this is that nearly everyone around him thinks he is a SAINT. So early on, I began telling myself that there must be something wrong with me, I must be seeing things wrong. I mean, how can someone who is as sweet and charming and giving and altruistic as he is, be a bad person?
Only when I began to consider filing for divorce and letting people know, did I realize that other people had seen it too, maybe those who had lived with him or spent significant time with he and I alone together, and maybe not to the extent that I had, but that was the first time I realized that other people KNEW that things were not as perfect as he wanted them to appear. His own grown child, who I know loves him very much, when I told them we were getting divorced, said to me, "I understand. I've lived with him. I know what he's like." My sister who at first, thought he was just depressed, later took it back and told me she thought he was a narcissist. A friend of mine, who I met in the midst of divorce, but who spent a lot of time at our house, when I told her what was going on on, she said, "I get it. I've seen the way he talks to you." Funny, but someone else not too long before, had said those exact words to me. When I went into counseling before I filed for divorce, I asked him to come once, and after speaking with him privately, she told me privately, "He's abusive". And then, when my divorce attorney told me that she wanted to include "emotional abuse" on my divorce papers, I got angry at her because I STILL didn't want to believe it. She very calmly told me that it was my choice, but she'd been in family law for a long time and based on what I told her, that's exactly what it was.
It still feels a little bit strange being here, on a domestic violence website, because even though I know the way he treated me was wrong, I question whether I really have any business being here, because he didn't call me awful names, he didn't isolate me, he wasn't overly controlling of me, or of the money, and he never laid a hand on me, although he did tell me a few times that I should be glad he'd "mellowed out" as he got older, because he would have probably punched out a wall, and there was that one time he held a girlfriend by the neck...and threatened to kill another one because she wouldn't stop calling his family and trying to turn them against him. He told me these things over and over again, as if it's something to be proud of.
I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do, or how to handle dealing with him anymore. I thought I could handle it, I thought we were doing better, and his little outbursts were not so bad considering how well we were getting along otherwise. But after this last fight, it really hit me that he's been playing this game for 12 YEARS, and the good times aren't worth it anymore. I'm still making excuses for him, mostly internally, and I'm still laying awake at night thinking, "Maybe if I'd only done this...maybe if I hadn't done that...if I'd just stop and listen...if I'd just think about what I'm saying...if I just wouldn't lose my temper", knowing none of that has ever worked before, but hoping that if I just say the right thing, approach him the right way, I can't get him to GET IT. It's been 2 years since our divorce was finalized, 9 months since I moved out, and it's taken me THIS LONG to see it. I'm 40 years old...40 year olds are supposed to have their shit together right? How could I be so naive to think I could get him to change, or to see what he was doing as wrong? What is wrong with ME? I'm tired, so tired, of trying to be strong, of putting on a brave face, of smiling and telling everyone that I'm fine, when I know I'm not. I feel robbed of my 30's...and I feel robbed of my self-esteem, my confidence, my ability to trust my own instincts and judgment. I question myself constantly, even about things that have nothing to do with him. If I make a mistake at work, I worry all night that I'm going to get fired. If a co-worker or a friend is very quiet one day, I wonder if I did something to upset them. I constantly worry that I'm being judged and that people who say they love and care about me, actually don't.
I don't know how I can co-parent with this man and at the same time, heal from everything he put me through, but I don't have a choice...so how? How do I do it?
