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Post by journey on Aug 8, 2018 2:32:19 GMT
Hey Karen,
So my sister is in town. She just called me this afternoon and told me she was 2 hours away. She said it was a last minute thing. She was going to wait until the weekend because of her kids but her husband took the week off. He said she had to go because I needed her. I don't get why he'd say that. I didn't ask her to come. It was her idea to come. Anyway, she's here and I'm supposed to meet up with her tomorrow. I don't feel prepared for this AT ALL. She's already told me our mom is an emotional mess right now and said I should try not to take what she says personally. She said our parents are not going to change...she said they are strong in their faith, they believe what they are doing is the right thing, take it or leave it. Ugh...I really hope I don't live to regret agreeing to see her. Seriously, I don't want to hear about their faith, or about what they think is right or wrong. Believing something is right doesn't make it right, does it? I just can't deal with it. A part of me wants to just call her back and tell her not to come, but I'd feel too guilty after she's come all this way, and I did agree to see her. I don't know...maybe she'll surprise me and show me genuine support, but right now I'm not holding out much hope.
I got the court date for the restraining order, to get it extended. It's next Tuesday and he's going to be there. I'm not sure I can face him. But if I don't go he could get it thrown out. That's another thing I'm struggling with. Thinking about seeing him in court, it makes me feel physically sick. But I lay awake at night wishing he was laying next to me. And then I go to sleep and I have nightmares about him. And he's still been calling around asking about me... I hate that I miss him, I ask myself every day what is wrong with me, why would I miss someone who did what he did to me. I don't miss him all the time, it comes and goes, and whenever it goes, I tell myself it's the last time I'm going to miss him, but the feelings always come back. Especially dealing with my mom and her religion, I think, at least he understood that part. The parents who raised him from 12-16 were crazy religious too..he was baptized even though he didn't really believe, and he faithfully attended their church in the hopes they'd adopt him but they never did... At least he never made me feel like something was wrong with me for not drinking the kool-aid. or told me I was damned to hell because I asked questions and they didn't like the answers I found. He was the only one who understood how that felt. I'm sorry for going off on a rant...my head just feels so f*cked up right now.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 8, 2018 3:20:07 GMT
Hi Journey, it is Ok to feel "effed" up right now. Very ok. This is the hard part about leaving and why so many end up going back.
Our brains get addicted. ADDICTED. We get trapped and stuck and they are a powerful "drug" that keeps us attached. It is really very understandable what you are feeling. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You have been abused, you have been "tricked" by some of the most powerful schemes and tactics that humans can possess.
Maybe what may help is to not fight the feelings that come. Feelings are feelings, we don't always control them, they come and they go and they pass. Maybe, the more you try and stop those feelings..the more intense they are? The feelings and thoughts you are having are very, very normal for what has happened to you. Your brain has been traumatized..for several years this has gone on. It doesn't just go away over night. Your world has been turned upside down. When those feelings come, perhaps just let them be, let them be there and eventually they will go away. Maybe too..it just isn't the best time to figure out why we feel how we feel. I struggled with this and I still do. Even 4 years later, I am still triggered by stuff and it annoys me to no end that those feelings still come up. It takes a lot of effort to just let them go. I tell myself.."it's ok, just let those feelings come, accept that they are NOT how I really want to be feeling right now and eventually I will let them go." I wish this could be easy..sadly it is not.
It sounds really challenging to have your sister involved right now. Meeting her as you said you would do..maybe that will be ok. Maybe set a few rules when you see her..that "This is not about Mom and Dad right now, this is about ME". "I am struggling, I am sad, I am confused, and I have been abused." "I am learning that the man I gave myself to is not a good person, my marriage, my whole life has been turned upside down, but right now..this is not about Mom and Dad". It isn't bad to say "I appreciate that you came all this way to support me, but what I really need right now is for you not to judge me or tell me what I should or shouldn't do". "I have to figure this out, and I will". Maybe even tell her.."Just say you love me and you trust that I will make good decisions for me, what I NEED AND WANT is what matters..not what Mom and Dad or even you believe is good for me". "You all don't have to agree with my choices, but you have to accept that I have the right to make those choices good or bad, it is my life". People need to hear this stuff and it empowers us to say it. You are taking control of how you want this meeting to go, perhaps don't argue, but being firm and strong is all good.
As far as the court appearance..do you have an Advocate who can go with you or a supportive person from the shelter? Going to court can be like being abused all over again, I would ask your counselor if someone can go with you, someone should as you have been traumatized enough. And not just by HIM, but by your parents too!
I think what is hard is we believe that our abusers "understand" parts of us. I want to believe that, but sadly from what I have read, they really don't understand. What they understand is if they say something that they know we want to hear, we will begin to trust them, and care for them, and get hooked on them..why? We begin to bond with them because they make us feel that they are on our side. Again, there is that pull we feel to go back because he loved you and understood you like no one else. And right now, things are so confusing, that it seems like he is wonderful because he understands. He doesn't understand..he manipulates you into thinking that so you will bond further with him. I know that is hard to hear..but right now, giving him credit for doing something right? That is what is so confusing. He didn't do something right, he did something manipulative.
I hope you can sleep better tonight. I am here to listen if you need to after seeing your sister. Also, you can set a time limit and meet in a public place. Be careful and look around you for your husband. He could follow you sister to get to you, and he could hurt you. Please be safe.
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Post by journey on Aug 10, 2018 5:58:06 GMT
Hi Karen
So things didn't go exactly as I planned. He got to me yesterday. My sister and I decided to meet at this coffee shop and I don't know how it happened except that he followed her there but when we walked in, he was there. She had been waiting for me in her car, so all I can think is he pulled in after her and snuck in without her seeing him, to make it look like he just happened to be there when we walked in. We turned around and left as soon as we saw him but he went after us telling me he just wanted to talk. I told him, please just leave but he wouldn't. He tried to stop me from getting in my car by grabbing my arm and I was trying to get away and I somehow twisted the wrong way and got a horrible pain in my back. It startled him enough that he let me go. My sister called the police and he was arrested, but he was released this morning. I went to the urgent care center and I found out I have a torn intercostal muscle which could take several weeks to heal. The court advocate said the judge was made aware of this but he let him go anyway. The only good thing is that the judge issued a criminal protection order effective until his case is settled so I don't have to go to court next week. I just can't believe he's out already. Why would they do that?
My sister has moved to a hotel so he can't follow her anymore and she wants to meet up in a couple of days when I'm feeling better but right now I'm on bed rest and I'm afraid to leave the shelter anyway. We did get to talk for awhile this morning. She said something to me, and I'm not sure where she was going with it because I sort of shut her down. I wish now I'd let her continue but I couldn't deal with it at the moment. Anyway she told me she was up all last night with my parents and our mom was crying and saying she knows she's going to have to answer to God for how she raised me. My sister said our mom blames herself. And she said the whole time, our dad was sitting there, tight-lipped and straight-faced, and he didn't once tell my mom it wasn't her fault or take the blame for anything himself. So after she tells this story, my sister tells me. "It was so wrong, that's not normal". She said she hasn't been alone with our parents in years. She says they come back for birthdays and holidays when there are a bunch of other people around, and our parents have their fake smiles plastered on, but she's forgotten how "not normal" their relationship is. I told her at that point that I didn't want to talk about our parents and she apologized and said she wasn't there to make me feel guilty, or to judge me or tell me what to do. She said she just wanted to be here to support me and make sure I'm okay. So she let me talk for awhile about everything that's been going on, and she didn't say much at all until I stopped and she said she was sorry and she had no idea how bad it was. She said if it was her, she'd run, not walk, as far away as possible, but I have to do what I feel is right, and not to let anyone, especially our parents, make me feel like I have to do what they think I should do. She told me she thinks our parents would be happy to see me divorce. They never liked my husband because he's Catholic (non-practicing). They think they can still convince me to go back to their church...they are hoping I will see this whole thing as a hard lesson from God, and return to their church and maybe even find a good Baptist man to "settle down" with. Ugh. So my sister promised that was the last time she will mention them but she just wanted me to know where their heads are at, in case they decide to try to talk to me about it again. She also told me I can stay with her and her family for I while if I need to, until I can get back on my feet. I told her I'd think about it. I don't know...I think she was trying her best to be supportive and the fact that she acknowledges that our parents' relationship is not normal, that's something right? I told her I needed a day or two to rest and think but we'll talk more this weekend.
It's crazy, I'm pretty happy with the way things went with my sister this morning, and I thought after what happened with my husband yesterday, I'd feel more certain than ever about leaving, but I feel more messed up than I did before. I miss him still and it's like knowing my parents would like for me to get divorced, makes me want to just go back to him, just to spite them. How messed up is that? I know it's wrong and mean-spirited to even think like that. Plus, I know he's dangerous, I know yesterday could have turned out a whole lot worse, I know I might not be as lucky next time. So why isn't that enough to make me want to run and never look back?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 11, 2018 3:53:15 GMT
Hey Journey, WOW..he is nuts, that is what is crazy. And they let him go because the jails and courts are so bogged down with so much crime that what he is doing is probably considered less threatening. Sadly, it seems like they have to be more violent to get the court to notice. I think they actually have to commit a "felony" and not a misdemeanor in order to be jailed and held. I am glad you don't have to go to court, that alone can be very traumatic. The criminal order sounds like a good thing, if he keeps bothering you , call the police, because the more he screws up and disobeys the orders, the worse it will be for him. Let him dig his own grave.
There are still so many emotions with your husband, it will continue to feel messed up for a while. It's not enough to make you run because your head tells you one thing and your heart tells another. There is still love there for him and there is still a grieving process that is going on. It takes time. Our brains literally get "addicted" to these guys. We know they are bad for us, yet our heart craves the "good" feelings that we did have with them. It is very confusing and hard to process. It really takes time. Nothing changes quickly.
One thing you said that strikes me.."I know I might not be as lucky next time"..Journey, only you can decide if there is a "next time". There doesn't have to be a "next time". And, you have control to not give him a next time. Yes, he is probably not going to give up. He may try harder and more sneaky and use stronger and more convincing tactics to win you back. I promise you, he will try. And it will be hard to resist on your part. AND if you do go back, it will be worse. It will not be better, it will be the same stuff just a different day.
One thing that may help is trying to tell yourself that you will not always feel the way you are feeling right now. The more counseling you go to, the more you learn about domestic violence and the more you learn that he truly does this because he TRULY BELIEVES that he has every right to hurt you, you will eventually begin to not want to go back. Many many many women go back. The only options you have are to either stay away or go back and change who you are and be the servant to him the way he demands. AND pay the consequences every day for the slightest bit of resistance he will sense. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. NEVER. He sees no reason to. NONE. Letting that sink into our inner being..that is when we decided to stay away forever. As the saying goes he "is a hard habit to break". But that is literally what you have to do. If you don't, you are at risk of being killed. Because every chance you give him? He will physically hurt you. And he keeps proving that.
It sounds like the time with your sister has been really good. It also sounds like she has good intentions of wanting to honestly support you. She may have her own issues with your parents as well. Sometimes, we only see what we want to see and maybe she just didn't want to see what your parents are really like. I have a brother and a sister and I can honestly tell you, all 3 of us have different views on how our parents raised us. VERY DIFFERENT, yet we all 3 have the same parents. So her experience is very different from yours. She sounds really honest and genuine in her wanting to help you. It sounds like her living out of town has been a blessing for her and she really hasn't seen how your parents are.
As for your parents, we can't be responsible for who they are and the choices they made during your childhood. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE for their own behaviors and your father sounds really abusive. He is the problem as well and he has his own issues. Your parents need to deal with their problems themselves. You cannot go anything about how they feel, or think, or believe you should do. They only have control over you if you let them. Same with your sister and your husband. Don't give your power away. Perhaps for now, let your parents deal with themselves. You can't change them, you can't change the past, and you are the only one who has control over your future. Don't give any of that to them. At this point, if you have to see your parents, don't go it alone. Also, as far as church goes, maybe listen to your inner feelings..what does your gut tell you? There is nothing that says you HAVE to do things a certain way. Right now, perhaps just listen to your inner voice. Deep down, even it though it may not feel like it, but you have all the answers inside you.
Perhaps, just rest for now. Focus on healing and focus on you. Take this time and just rest physically, mentally, and any other way you feel you need. I hope your arm feels better soon. I am thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better.
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Post by journey on Aug 14, 2018 5:19:00 GMT
Hi Karen,
I think I've lost my parents. My dad physically attacked me yesterday and my mom didn't do a thing. She's defending him and I don't even know what to do or to say anymore. I knew it was a bad idea to go, but my sister had just left to go back home and my mom called, she was crying and begged me to come and see her and my dad. She said they weren't upset with me, and they weren't going to tell me what to do. She said they were just worried about me and missed me and they just wanted to talk. She promised me my dad would behave himself. It started out ok, she was just asking a lot of questions about how I was feeling, if I had plans for when I left the shelter, whether my husband had bothered me any more, what I was thinking about doing. And she didn't say much back...she just listened. But my dad was pacing back and forth the whole time and I could see he wanted to say something. He told my mom that she needed to tell me something, he said it had to be said. My mom's face dropped and she got real quiet. He told her she was useless and I got angry and tried to get her to leave the room with me but he told her to stay there and she did. And then he went off on me. He said I rejected God, I spit in God's face, I walked away, and now the devil has taken over, and that's why this is happening, that's why I ended up in an abusive relationship. He said if I'd been right with God, God would have sent me a good godly man, but I chose lust over righteousness, and now I'm paying the consequences. I stood there waiting for my mom to say something, but she just sat with her head down. She wouldn't even look at me. I started to leave but I was fuming inside and I just couldn't let it go. I turned back and went right back off on him and basically let him know that maybe I ended up in an abusive relationship because I thought that's how I deserved to be treated. I told him he's treated my mom like dirt my whole life and I thought it was normal because they told me "that's just how marriage is". He told me to watch my mouth and I told him he should watch his, and it just escalated from there, I called him some choice words and he pushed me against a wall and smacked me across the face. He then told me that he should have done that a long time ago. I looked at my mom and she was looking towards me (not at me), but she turned away right away and didn't say anything. My dad had his hands on my arms and started shaking me and telling me to look at him and I called out to my mom and she did nothing. So I looked right at him and told him if he didn't take his hands off of me I'd have him arrested. I left and about an hour later my mom called me. I almost didn't answer but I thought maybe she was actually calling to say she was sorry or to tell me what my dad did was wrong. But no. She told me I shouldn't have talked to my dad the way I did. She said I was asking for it. I hung up on her and I cried the rest of the day. I don't think I can ever look at her again.
I called my sister and told her what happened and she was furious, she said she was going to call them and have a "little talk" with them. I told her not to, I don't want her to get involved. I don't want a fake apology from my mom because my sister said something to scare her or make her feel badly. If my mom wants to try to make things right, that's on her, not that I expect it or think she could say anything to make it right. I just can't take it anymore. It's always the same. I don't know why I expected anything different.
On Saturday, the day before all of this happened, I was really fighting the urge to call my husband. I found out from a mutual friend of ours that he had called her, asking if she'd heard from me. He'd told her that he wished he could undo everything, he said he'd do anything to take it all back. He said he knew he didn't deserve another chance but if I'd just give him one, he'd never lay a finger on me again. I knew deep down he probably didn't mean any of it but I so wanted to believe him. And I began feeling guilty for walking away. Even though I'm not religious anymore, so much of the guilt and fear has stayed with me and i know logically certain things I was taught aren't true, yet the words of my parents and preacher and church leaders replay in my head and I think, what if I'm wrong and they are right? What will I say to God about why I abandoned my husband and why I broke my vows to stand by him in sickness and health, in good times and bad? Did I try absolutely everything to make it work out? Now, all I know is I don't want to end up like my mom. I don't want to end up with a house full of kids who grow up thinking it's normal for their dad to say and do awful things, and to hear their mom crying in her room at night. I don't want to end up so broken down and brainwashed that I can't even stand up for my own children. If I end up burning in hell forever for it, so be it. The threat of that terrified me as a child and my parents knew it, and they used it. But I can't live in fear anymore.
I have been thinking of maybe taking my sister up on her offer to let me stay with her. Maybe it would be okay. Right now, I don't know what else to do. I can't stay in the shelter forever, I need to be able to support myself and the cost of living here is so high. There are jobs here and I'm sure I could find one, but probably not one that paid enough to live on. Costs are lower where my sister lives. I'm just not sure about it because she and her family are very religious, like I said. The kids are homeschooled, and they host bible studies and prayer groups at their house. I don't know if I could deal with that. I have this fear that they (not my sister and brother-in-law so much, but people from their church) are going to look down on me, or see me as someone who is lost and needs to be saved...and maybe it's all unfounded, I know my sister's beliefs aren't nearly as extreme as my parents, but I don't know. It's just so hard knowing what to do.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 15, 2018 0:46:12 GMT
Hey Journey, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry this has happened. I don't blame you a bit for going off on your Dad and hanging up on your Mom. That feeling of being powerless and your Mother standing by and doing nothing had to be horrible. We hope for something different because sometimes our brains just can't wrap around the idea that these people who are supposed to love us "unconditionally", only love us if we do what they demand. We just can't believe that they call abuse "love". Your mother knows your father is horrible, but she has been brainwashed to believe that she is to obey him no matter what he does.
You were not asking for it, you did not deserve any of what your parents said or did and there is a part of me that wishes you had smacked the heck out of your father. He deserves that. Calling the police would have been horrible, but your Dad would learn that you are not going to stand for his crap anymore.
Please know..your parents and their cohorts are not God, they are not right about you spitting on God. You may have left the church, but that doesn't mean you left God. God is always there. AND..yes, sometimes we drift away, I believe that God understands us drifting from a church that basically brainwashes its' parishioners. I don't get churches and beliefs like that. God is loving, not abusive. God does not support abuse , and I believe in God's eyes, abuse is never justified. To me any religion that supports abuse is not good. I don't want to sound preachy, that is not my intent. But a loving God does not encourage its' followers to abuse each other. I will say that I DO believe that people twist God's words to justify their behaviors. To me, that is the kind of religion perhaps your parents follow.
The guilt and fear that you speak of..it stays with you. VERY, very understandable. We are taught at a very young age to fear God, to fear our parents, to fear burning in hell for getting divorced or not obeying our husbands. If they are right? I will gladly burn with you..trust me, I don't want to be in any kind of "Heaven" if it is full of people like your parents and my ex-boyfriend's Baptist preaching abusive mother.I am sure she thinks I should be in hell too. BUT, I don't believe they are right. I also don't believe you will burn in hell. I know I am not going to.
What I believe is this..God..gave me lots of opportunities to get out of my abusive relationships, I believe He sent His hand down many times through that inner voice inside me. There is a very strong possibility that "God" speaks through that inner voice..my gut..and I chose not to listen. For whatever reason, I didn't listen..good or bad. I believe God will say "Why didn't you leave when I nudged you? What took you so long to leave?" He will know the answers and it will be Ok that I didn't leave sooner. He will know that you and I did EVERYTHING we could to make our marriages work and HE will KNOW that the abusers did nothing to make it work. I believe that God will deal with the abuser husbands and ex-boyfriends in HIS way, I am not to worry about it. (This has taken me a very long time to accept). One thing you pointed out...."They knew my fear and they used it"..that is ABUSE in its' finest form. Kudos to you for not wanting to raise a family where the norm is to intimidate, to threaten, to accuse, to hit, to name call, to yell, and to instill fear through manipulation, control and abuse.
Journey..it is very possible, that even though you have backed away from religion, in doing that you may have moved closer to God. Maybe Man invented religion..maybe God did not.
I am glad to hear that you did not call your husband. He is no different than your father as far as abusing you. And it is very OK that your head says "He doesn't mean it and it isn't true" and your heart says "Gosh, I so wish it was true, I miss him and still love him". BUT..please listen to your head. I believe your head is right. He will NOT change, he will beat you up again, he will suck you in and you will find yourself crying in your bedroom at night like your Mom.
Taking our sister up on her offer..maybe it would be a good option to try? And it can be temporary. AND there is nothing that says you can't go for a walk or take a break when the Bible study is going on. There may be a library nearby, or a gym or YMCA that you can go to and take some time for you? People like your sisters friends are always going to be in the world, but you don't have to participate, with them. In an ideal world, you can respect their beliefs and they can respect yours. If they look down on you..then they do. One thing we cannot do is control how other people see us. I know we want to be accepted and loved and cared for. We want to be liked. If they judge you, then perhaps they are not people you want to be around. At least for now. I still struggle with how I think people see me. Please also know that a lot of how you may think they feel..is a thought process that your husband has instilled in you. I am learning why I think the way I think, the patterns and "self talk" I have experienced for so long has been re-enforced by every man I have ever been with. They told me how others see me and I believed them. I know now that what they told me is not the truth.
Maybe talk to the counselor there at the shelter and talk out some of these options. Sorting through the feelings may help it become more clear about what your next step can be. Also, maybe give yourself a timeframe...meaning, if you don't have to make this decision right now, how long do you have? A week? A month? That may help you to really give yourself time to think out your plan.
Maybe for now..try NO CONTACT with your parents or your husband? One thing that really helps us to begin healing is to keep away from the abusers. Don't answer their calls, don't answer their texts, don't answer e-mails. Blocking phone numbers helps. We need to really separate ourselves from the horrific and confusing tactics of these people. Only by stepping away and staying away, can we really start to see what was going on. They are going to keep messing with your heart and your head. The only way to prevent that is to STOP letting them into your life for now. And believe me.."easier said than done".
Journey..in the past 4 days you have been slapped, shaken, grabbed and had your back muscle torn. Please..stay away from them for now. ALL of them. They keep beating you up physically and mentally. It doesn't have to continue. THEY are not going to stop unless you walk away and make it stop.
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Post by journey on Aug 17, 2018 23:52:09 GMT
Hi Karen. This is going to be brief. I'm getting ready to go to my sister's. It's only for 4 days, I just want to see how it goes. My dad has been calling my siblings and telling them that I'm out of control and the devil has a hold of me. He told them that I became violent and he had to give me a "little slap" me to get me to calm down. My sister who's been supporting me, she called him and told him straight out that he is crazy and she doesn't believe him. One of my brothers called me and asked me what happened and I told him but he didn't believe me. He said, "I know Dad can be a control freak but why would he hit you unless you forced him to in order to defend himself or Mom? You're not a child anymore. Dad knows that." So I texted him a picture of the bruise my dad left on my face and I asked him if that looks like a little slap and how a man who is 8 inches taller and outweighs me by 80lbs would have to do that to defend himself. My brother actually admitted, finally, that it didn't sense. I guess he must have called our parents after that because less than 5 minutes later I got a text from my mom saying, "How dare you try to turn them (my brother and sister) against your father? You know what you did." She also said I need to come back and work things out with them. I didn't answer.
I can't deal with this anymore. I just need to get away. I hope I'm doing the right thing and am able to think clearly at my sister's. Right now I'm so desperate to escape and to get as far away from my parents and my husband as I can, I think anything is going to feel like a better option right now. I mean I hope I'm not so glad to get away that I gloss over signs that staying with my sister isn't a good idea. I'm still not sure, just because of the religion issue. If I'm going to make the move to my sister's long-tern, I want to be sure it's it's the right thing. I don't want to end up stuck in another situation where I don't know how to get out.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 18, 2018 12:40:38 GMT
Hi Journey, is sounds like you have a really good plan in place for now. And for "now" that is a good place to focus. Going to your sisters for a few days and it being temporary makes a lot of sense. Nothing has to be permanent for now. Things are still really a mess in our hearts and heads and sometimes the best thing we can do is just make a decision for the next few hours and that in itself is an accomplishment. Journey, your parents are clearly abusive. If you can, perhaps do not respond to them. Anyone who is not supportive of you at this time? Maybe they are not people you need in your life as you deal with all this. AND,, I know it is so hard to deal with. Getting away from them and your husband, I think you are wise to make this decision. From what you say, it sounds like this is the right thing for you. AND...I don't think you are going to miss any signs if it is a good or bad decision. You will KNOW..your "gut" will tell you what is good for you. Trust that feeling inside. It is that built in "radar" that we humans have that really gives us direction. We all have it. The problem is many victims of abuse..like you and me, we haven't been taught to listen to that voice or to trust it. In fact it is just the opposite, we have been taught by our abusive partners and abusive/controlling parents not to listen to that voice because they have convinced us we are wrong. They have done everything in their power to make us think the ONLY people we should listen to is THEM!! Your husband and your parents have manipulated you and convinced you that your gut is wrong. It is not wrong, they are wrong! It is not wrong. And, there will be options for you to get out if you have to. You are smart, you are brave, you are wise. And, you have support at the DV center near your hometown, you have a sister who seems to want to help for now, your brother sounds like he could be of support..but not sure about him, and we are here to help. You are not alone. One step at a time, it will be OK. Trust Your Journey...it will lead you to the right place for you! Karen
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Post by journey on Aug 18, 2018 15:48:49 GMT
Hi Karen,
I'm on at the airport. My husband found me again last night, just a few hours after I posted. A friend from the shelter went with me to get some stuff from the store for my trip and he came in behind me. Nothing happened, he just touched my arm and I turned around. He saw my face and acted very concerned, asked who did it to me. My friend told me not to answer him and pulled me away. He followed us and he said he just wanted me to know he still loves me but if I want a divorce, he'll give me one and he's not going to fight me or bother me anymore. Then he asked if we could just talk one more time. My friend asked me if I wanted her to call the police and I said yes. He left but the police picked him up. I was so worried they'd let him out right away I left as soon as I woke up this morning.
I think he followed me to the shelter from my parents house last time I was there and then last night followed me from the shelter to the store. I had to let the director know that I think he knows where it is and they said if they see him near the shelter or if he bothers anyone from the shelter again, I will have to move out, for the safety of the other women. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't work out with my sister. I'm not the praying type but I'll take anything right now. I just need something to give.
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Post by journey on Aug 18, 2018 19:59:26 GMT
I'm just about to get on the plane, I just can't stop thinking...now that I'm out, why does it feel like everything is way more out of control now than when I was with him? Like before he found out I was thinking of leaving, it wasn't great by any means, but it felt manageable. I never saw him full-on RAGE before that night, and now I can't stop thinking about it, and dreaming about it, and having it replay in my head. Maybe that's good, maybe it will stop me from going back, but I can't understand how all of this happened so fast. It's the same with my parents. Or, my mom at least. We had a decent relationship, we hung out together every weekend, went to lunch together, movies, and now she and my dad are treating me like I'm this horrible evil person and I'm not part of the family unless I do what my dad says I should. I don't see that happening with my siblings. Maybe it's because they all married baptists like they were supposed to? And they all have houses full of kids? My oldest sister is the only one besides me who has "rocked the boat" up to now, but they still show her love. I know you keep telling me I didn't do anything wrong, but it sure feels that way right now.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 19, 2018 20:36:02 GMT
Hi Journey, everything feels "out of control"...probably because your life has literally been turned upside down. Someone told me once that things were "good" with my ex-husband and ex-rebound boyfriend because I didn't rock the boat. "I" went along with their abuse. I kept the "status quo" the same and I did it for my ex-husband for 26 years and with the ex-boyfriend for almost a year. Same with my parents..everything was good with them as long as I went along with their ideas of what was "best" for me. I can't tell you how many times I would seek their approval only to be let down because they didn't like my idea, or my plan, or my hope or my dream, or how I was choosing to raise my children. AND every time...I would walk away as if I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG. I had not. I take that back...what I did "wrong" was to NOT DO WHAT THEY WANTED. To choose my own path, was just not done according to my parents and the ex-husband and boyfriends. It feels like you have done something WRONG..because all the ABUSERS in your life keep telling you you are WRONG. Journey...you are not WRONG..you are doing what your heart and head and inner voice are directing you to do and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with that. They have conditioned you over 27 years to believe that THEY KNOW BEST! Well guess what...NO THEY DON"T. I have every right to make my own decisions...they are MY DECISIONS. Just like you have every right to choose your own path in life. THEY CAN"T BELIEVE that you would even think about not doing what they think you should. THEY do everything in their power to bring you back under control and that is why they tell you it is wrong, it is against God, you need to obey your husband, and that you are evil because you are not doing what they want. Hitting you, slapping you, throwing you around, yelling at you, calling you names, kicking you when you are down, making you feel horrible about yourself, and making you feel guilty because you are not following their control? ? THEY ARE WRONG!! ABUSE is not RIGHT..there is nothing right about what your husband and your parents have done to you. ABUSERS...the ONLY people who matter to them is THEM. Your mother does not really matter to your father..he demands that she obey him and when she shows the slightest bit of disagreement, he badgers her. He is horrible to her and believe me, what she is doing to you? It is only to please your father, to get on his good side so he won't abuse her. Journey, you are a beautiful person, who cares about others, who loves with her whole heart, who tries to do the right thing. HOW IS THAT WRONG? How is saying to people who are supposed to love you..."STOP..YOU CANNOT BEAT ON ME ANYMORE" wrong? It isn't. Yes, staying with our abusers is "known". But Journey..how long will it be before he puts you in the hospital or kills you? Do you really want to live the rest of your life and raise a child with this man who will continue to hit you and probably treat your child that he "supposedly" loves the exact same way your father treats you? Do you really want to live a "not great but manageable" life? It was great with your Mom as long as you didn't go against her way of life, as long as you agreed with her and did what she and your father said. Journey, I have come to learn that there aren't any "supposed to's" in life. I would question what that "love" looks like that they show your sister? I also don't think it is what real love looks like. Your sister has moved away. She did what she was "supposed" to do according to your parents, got married and had kids. She may live her own life..but I suspect she still seeks their approval and she may do a lot of things on her own that they don't know about. Your brother..he is a boy. He probably was treated differently to begin with because he is a boy. How are you doing at your sisters? How is it going? Journey, please remember, the way you have been treated by these people is not love. If you want to call something evil? Then the way they have treated you is evil. It is wrong. However you want to look at it..it is wrong. God does not tell people to beat on each other. ABUSE is NOT LOVE. And what your parents and husband have done is ABUSE. There is no other way to look at it. I am going to keep saying you have done nothing to deserve the treatment you have received. Because it is the truth. You are not evil Journey, you never have been and you never will be. All you are is wanting to be loved, happy, and free from living a life of pain and hurt. That is not wrong. To abusers..it is evil.
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Post by journey on Sept 2, 2018 6:17:01 GMT
Hi Karen,
I have kind of been afraid to post. I didn't want to disappoint anyone but I've disappointed everyone. Things were really good at my sister's and I had planned to go back home just long enough to pack up my things and come back. I don't know why I did it, but I called my husband. I wasn't going to tell him I was moving away, I just wanted to see him one more time to say goodbye. I thought it would give me a sense of closure. Stupid, I know. He was his old charming and sweet self and he promised me the world, he said he loved me and he couldn't live without me, and he swore he would never hurt me again. After all he's done, I should have seen right through it, but the thing is, I wanted so badly to believe him. I went back to his house 2 days after I got back. My parents found out somehow and my mom called me crying, telling me not to stay with him, she said she was afraid for me, and then my dad got on the phone and he yelled and ranted and asked me how I could be so stupid. I hung up the phone and burst into tears and my husband comforted me and he said he was so sorry for the way my parents were treating me. He told me not to listen to them, that I was an adult and it was my choice. I couldn't even see how f*cked up the whole thing was, from both him and from my parents. Both telling me not to let the other treat me like that, when they were both doing the same thing. I didn't want to see it. It felt good to be back in his arms again, feeling loved again. It felt like it felt in the beginning. It was almost like I had imagined everything. Crazy, I know. A few nights later he pinned me down and got really rough in bed. I was in shock because he'd never done that before, and I wanted him to stop but I couldn't find the words. I just felt so confused, I couldn't believe what was happening. So I said nothing. That night I had a super intense nightmare and when I woke up it all just hit me, and I realized it was a huge mistake coming back and I knew I had to go. I didn't tell him, I was going to just wait for him to leave the house and then go. But he wouldn't leave, it was a day and half later and I guess he could sense my anxiety but out of nowhere he said if I was thinking about leaving then I should just do it. I wanted to say YES! and just go, but I was afraid to so I told him I wasn't thinking of leaving and he went off and slapped me and called me a liar and an ungrateful b*tch, shaking his fist at me, and he just wouldn't stop. I was so afraid he was going to hurt me again I ran out while his back was turned and locked myself in the shed in the backyard and he followed me yelling obscenities and trying to break down the door. Anyway I had my cell phone on me and I was able to call 911 but it was the longest 8 minutes of my life waiting for the police to show up. So he is back in jail and they said he wouldn't get out until his trial because he violated the restraining order. So I'm back at the shelter waiting for my sister to come. I'm so messed up and I haven't had any real sleep in a week, I just don't feel safe driving myself so she said she'd come. I don't know if it's the right thing going back with her but I have nowhere else to go. She was really angry with me when she found out I went back to him. She asked me what I was thinking, she asked me if I wanted to be like Mom, and she said she would be there for me but she said she wasn't going to play this game, I think she meant me going back to him, then leaving again. I told her I'm done going back but I don't think she was convinced. I'm afraid she's going to hold this over my head. I hope this isn't a big mistake.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 2, 2018 21:34:53 GMT
Hi Journey, it is ok to feel afraid to post, believe me I have been there too! But, please don't worry, no one here will judge you. AND..no one here is disappointed in you! The most important thing is that you are OK! You are safe, he is in jail, and he can't hurt you right now. THAT is what matters.
We feel that "shame" for having gone back, but it is very understandable as those good feelings you speak of..we just crave them and miss them! I am so sorry that he continued to be so abusive towards you. It almost sounds like marital rape..and that is not good! I am sure he promised you the world, they always do and what is crazy is how fast the abuse starts.
As far as your sister being upset..that is also very understandable. BUT you cannot control how she feels. She has never been abused, she has never been "addicted" to someone like a victim is to their abuser. She doesn't understand. MOST people who have never walked in your shoes or my shoes, they don't have any idea why we go back. Your sister has good intentions..honestly she does. BUT..please realize that what you do is ultimately up to you. If you can..read "Why Does He Do That?" Lundy Bancroft. There is a chapter in the back about those who try and support us, what they end up doing is being abusive in some ways. THEY think they know what is best for us. THEY DON"T. My sister reacted the same way yours did after she "rescued" me from my abusers' house. It probably traumatized her just as well to see me in such a state. I was a mess. I went back for just "2 dates" and he started to be a jerk all over again. She was very angry with me for going, but I had her read that chapter, she was hurt, but in the end I think she began to understand that I HAD TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES. She and I talked it out and today we are closer than ever. I can never pay her back for all the help she gave me.
I believe you are done Journey as far as going back. Sometimes we just have to see, even though our heads know they are going to abuse us again, our hearts are so hopeful they will be different.
What got me through, is many people on this forum told me "Today is a new day, start NO CONTACT today". Start over. The past is the past. No answering your phone to your parents, no answering text messages from him, don't call him, don't speak to him. It is a new opportunity today to go forward.
What helped me is counseling. Maybe when you get settled at your sisters, start some counselling with the local DV center in her area.
If your sister is a decent person, she should not hold this over your head. AND if she does, perhaps thank her for her support and help her to understand why this all happened. Offer her the "Why Does He Do That?" book. Seriously, help her to understand what Domestic Violence is all about. She will look at victims a very different way. She should not blame the victim. If she does, she is no better than your parents or your partner. My sister had a tough time coming to that realization. She so wanted to judge me and blame me. Many people did. And I decided instead of agreeing with them? I decided to educate myself and then educate them. If they want to walk one day in my shoes..I will gladly give them my shoes. And then accept their apology when they give them back.
Journey, today is a new day. Go forward, start to heal. Start to focus on you. Healing and starting over..that is sometimes a great place to start. We are still here for you, always. No judging, no one to tell you what to do. One day at a time, that is sometimes all we can do as the song says!
Karen
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