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Post by Justme on Jun 24, 2018 21:49:20 GMT
So, I finally divorced my abusive ex last year. While going through that I became friends with a guy that I thought was just friends. However, I ended up falling head over heels for him. It was a very emotionally intense relationship but never moved to an intimate level. Looking back I can see where he was trying to get me involved with him, inviting all the time to his house while I was still with my ex. Always suggesting things but not pushing me either. I didn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, like going to his house or staying over there when I was still married. He was always telling me how wonderful I was, building me up, saying how great of a person I was and how important I was to him. Within a very quick time of us starting to chat. I guess some of it, I was like that’s odd, but I brushed it off. Looking back there were many signs. Telling me was having his ex followed, bragging about his computer hacking skills, his paranoia and mistrust of everyone else, and how he kept himself and children isolated are just some of the bigger things I should’ve noticed. His ex left the kids with him and refuses contact with him. I have questions about why his ex isn’t even in contact with her kids. He always made it sound like she was crazy and abusive. Another red flag I should have picked up on. I have read Jerk Radar. Why didn’t I see all this? He seemed like the absolute perfect guy, every thing I could dream of, so I fell hard for him. Why now am I feeling so horrible and heartbroken that the “friendship” is ended, instead of being thankful that it wasn’t more involved than it was. I should be relieved I dodged that one, yet I’m depressed. My self esteem has taken a hit in several ways too. One, realizing that all those great things he said about me were just lies fabricated to gain my emotional connection to him. And, two, doubt in my own ability to tell when I meet another abusive person and not get sucked into the same old trap. It seems a couple decades plus with the ex wasn’t enough for me to figure it all out.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Jun 28, 2018 2:50:53 GMT
Hi Just me, welcome here and thank you for sharing your story.
What you are feeling is very understandable and "normal" for someone who was in a potentially if not completely abusive relationship. Abusive men (and some women) are incredibly skillful people. And their skills are not used in good ways. This guy was really good and got you hooked on him quickly. Our brains literally get "addicted" to these jerks, kinda like someone gets addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. We try and resist it, we usually don't see it, and we regret it later because hindsight is 20/20.
This guy saw you as vulnerable. Your marriage had ended which brought many many feelings with it..some good and some bad. He dangled "bait" (all those wonderful words you probably haven't heard in a really long time) in front of you because you were the type of person he was looking for in order to "get his fix"..of baiting, catching, hooking, then trying to keep and destroy (control you). This happened to me. I had decided I was leaving my husband, I went online and found what I was thinking was a really nice "friend". I didn't want a relationship, just someone to talk to and do things with. I hadn't left my now ex, yet, but this guy was wonderful. He listened, he liked everything I like, he had the same sense of humor, he wanted to talk to me and listened when I talked, he was interested in me, he complimented me, he told me he was falling in love with me and he hadn't even met me yet. I got hooked so fast, he said EVERYTHING my now ex husband hadn't said in years. He had money, he had a big beautiful house with a wonderful kitchen, built in pool, everything I had ever dreamed of and he wanted to share it with me. WITH ME. No one ever wanted me like he did. I was so hooked, I moved in with him 4 months after I met him. Our relationship started to get abusive 2 months in, I never realized it, I never saw it coming, I just apologized for all my mistakes and said I would try harder. I did everything for this guy. Even put him first over my two precious daughters..something I will regret for the rest of my life. I became addicted to this guy.
He kicked me out after 9 months of living together because he accused me of having an affair with an old college friend I hadn't seen in over 30 years. I talked to him on FB and the boyfriend thought we were involved. We were NEVER involved, even in college. The boyfriend accused me of so many horrific things during that 9 months. He was abusive. He had all the signs. Why didn't I see them? Why wasn't I grateful he kicked me out? Because like you, I had fallen for this guy. Yes, he did and said odd stuff. It wasn't bad enough for me to leave. It hurt and it was confusing, but I loved him. I figured he was just flawed. NOW I know what he was. I know why my brain kept telling me to miss him, he is horrible, why would I miss him? Because I was addicted to him. He was my "cigarette"..he was horrible for me, yet I craved and loved him and couldn't get through a day without being with him. He abused me often. Yet I kept going back.
There is literally documented evidence that our brains change as a result of "being hooked" on these jerks.
It is very ok what you are feeling. It is ok to feel sad, it is ok to miss him, it is ok to want him, and it is even ok to feel grateful and thankful that he is out of your life. Feelings come and feelings go, we can't control the very well. Those "good" times with him..we wanted them so badly. You are grieving the loss of this relationship. Grieving the fun, the kind words, the hope of a better person to share your life with, we grieve the "facade" of being with a great guy. I swear, I had met my "soulmate" when I was with the boyfriend.
We are grieving because of the lies they told us. It hurts to realize that what we really believed to be true love, was only fabricated lies. That is like a kick in the stomach. And YES..we feel stupid. AND YES..we doubt ourselves. I am 4 years out of that horrible relationship. My ex-husband was abusive also. I am still healing. I don't trust men. I am in a relationship now..have been with him for 3 years..I still have trouble completely trusting him. I have no idea what a "healthy" relationship looks like. I realized not too long ago, that I have not been in a healthy relationship since before college (over 30 years ago). I was married for 20 years and with him for a total of 26 years, then bounced right into the next abusive relationship.
It doesn't matter how long you are in an abusive relationship.Those abusive "brains" are e My now ex-husband probably was abusing me early into our relationship. I didn't see it, I didn't really figure out what was going on with the ex-husband until after I left him. I knew I had to try to find happiness. Don't beat yourself up. It is ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Have you thought about Counselling? It may be helpful in you figure it all out. Her
Please keep posting your feelings, thoughts, questions, etc. We will support you 100%. He is a jerk, Here's to hoping tomorrow feels better!
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Jun 28, 2018 14:25:35 GMT
It's not your fault. It REALLY is not your fault you fell for him.
I probably would have too, and it would have taken me time to see the red flags as well. We are human, after all.
And what matters is you DID see the flags and you did dodge a bullet. Well done!!
It may not feel like it, but in time you WILL bounce back and trust your gut and your perceptions, and it will stop hurting.
I remember when I left my abusive ex, I briefly dated two really controlling and unhealthy men right after him....repetition compulsion. It means we try to put a happy and good end to a bad story yet again. Unconsciously being attracted to similar dynamics.
It's NOT your fault and PTSD experiences make us do that.
Plus, manipulators can be like a drug. They say all the right things, do all the right things. But when you fail to comply, they do let their mask slip...which this guy has done (thankfully!!!) early on. And it ok to grieve.
Let the grief do its job...it cannot be rushed or shortened, nor should it. Grief grieves as long as it needs to for healing to take place.
Because when we leave an abuser and toxic person, we also leave behind the "highs" and those are some serious hormones in the body, similar to what drugs do to us. And we ALWAYS recover. I can promise you that it won't feel like this forever.
This is suffering, and you have my compassion. And out of this suffering there will come love and a stronger version of yourself.
And you WILL meet a normal, loving man again at the right time. No doubt about that.
oxoxoxoxxoxo
Here is a cyber hug, if you'd like one.
Stay close to Jerk Radar and Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that". Trust your gut.
Don't settle for less than a healthy-enough partner where you feel safe, seen, and heard. And accepted and welcomed JUST as you are...and not a single bit different.
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Post by Justme on Jul 1, 2018 18:44:58 GMT
Thank you Karen and Janine! I was with my ex husband since 1989. Just divorced last year. The guy I just dodged is a coworker. I am part of management team, not his direct supervisor, but in a position to help him get promoted. He had just got a divorce and was so broken hearted, I tried to help, as he was struggling. He very quickly was telling me how great I was, how much he trusted me, that I was amazing and strong. After hearing all my faults for so long, there he was telling me how valuable I was and how important I was to him. We talked for hours and hours. Yes, I felt elated, couldn’t wait to talk to him again. I was still married at the time, but everything was on the rocks. This friend contributed to the end of my marriage, pointing out the things my ex husband was doing as abusive, telling me I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, I’d be happier without him, etc. I was more emotionally open with this friend than anyone ever. He seemed to understand me, could empathize with everything I talked about. But, over time I started noticing things that were odd. But, truthfully, I was so head over heels for him by then I ignored it. He managed 3 promotions in just over a year and we are in lateral positions at work now. It wasn’t until I saw him tearing apart another woman’s marriage and getting involved with her that I woke up and stopped ignoring everything I was seeing. Since all I’ve been through with my ex, I try to stay alert for abusive personalities, but I was sucked right in even though it should have been obvious something was off very early. He always had a lot of anxiety and I was trying to boost his confidence and build him up. That was a huge difference from my ex, who never showed his insecurities openly. This guy seemed so vulnerable. I have to still see him at work, which can make my anxiety go up. After all this happened, I did talk to his ex wife, who refuses contact with him. She confirmed what I thought and said her last day there, she left after he told her she was only leaving the house in a body bag. I am in counseling, have been for a while, but an hour a month sometimes isn’t enough. My counselor said I didn’t just dodge a bullet, I dodged a cannonball. Sometimes with all this stuff, I feel like I’m going crazy, like I don’t know any more what’s real and what’s not, and I don’t know how to trust my own instincts any more. I get very lonely at times, because I don’t have many people in my life, nobody just to chill and hang out with, but I don’t trust myself or other people enough to let people into my life. I just want to feel safe with someone and I thought this friend was someone safe for me, and I couldn’t have been more wrong.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 1, 2018 20:00:42 GMT
Hi Justme, I admire that you can still go to work and be around this guy. What I would find most difficult is he would trigger me all the time. When I have to be around my ex-husband, it triggers me. He an I have 2 daughters and when they have activities that we both want to attend, I have to be near him, but I do my best to keep my distance. What seems to help is I now know EXACTLY what he is doing, since I know, I can know not to trust him.
I am glad you got to talk to this guy's ex-wife. I too became "friends" with the guy I fell for ex wife. I felt a strong need to apologize to her as the jerk boyfriend cheated on her with me. He used me to get out of his marriage. But, She actually thanked me for getting her out of a marriage that was horrible. She confirmed everything I had observed and experienced. Turns out, she was nothing like he said. She was nice, kind, understanding, and a victim of his abuse. Talking to her, validated everything I knew to be true. That was priceless.
What you are experiencing..I find that this part of the healing process is SO incredibly hard. I struggle all the time with trying to figure out what a "good" guy looks like and who I can trust or not. One thing I did, was take a break from men and focus on me. What did I really enjoy doing? How could I meet people who enjoyed the same things? I too went to counselling, I went more often than once a month, I went weekly and then went every two weeks, then to once a month once I was feeling stronger about my life.
I did a lot of writing about what was happening and what had happened. I took therapeutic writing classes. I learned to meditate, I learned to forgive myself for not paying attention to the "red" flags. I learned a lot about DV and what caused it. I also went online and started researching things that I liked to do. I enjoyed dancing, I liked playing backgammon, I liked to write, I loved to hike and go canoeing and kayaking. I found groups that gathered to do these things. I literally went to things by myself..this was huge for me. I had NEVER done anything alone before. I decided I was going to be brave and just go and try it. I was scared. I didn't know if these would be good people or not. I started playing Backgammon twice a month, and I made a few friends. I really enjoyed going and playing. I went on a few hikes..there was a hiking group. I met a few really nice people , I talked to them and the more hikes I went on, the same people would come and relationships started. I went dancing a few times and they offered lessons before the class. One of my colleagues suggested I go and try it. She went with her husband one night, so I had someone to talk to and turns out I ran into several people I knew. I had a lot of fun, despite being very scared to get out of the car. I met a man there that I am dating (and have been for 3 years). He was there by himself for the same reasons. We are two broken people trying to heal.
I basically had made up my mind to live life to the fullest, yet I was very skeptical of everyone around me. I wasn't ready to trust anyone and even 3 years later I am still not trusting too many. I am cautious. I doubt myself, what if I end up in another bad relationship? I was fooled by 3 previous relationships, chances are I will be fooled again. I am not sure what "real" love looks like. I thought I knew, but obviously I was wrong. Like you, I loved my ex-husband since 1988. I thought he loved me, turns out he didn't. Or at least not how I believe one should love another.
One thing that helped me, I looked up old friends. I have a best friend. I have known her over 40 years. I hadn't talked to her much during this time, but I called her. I told her I missed her and could she help me. We have rekindled our relationship. I belong to church, they embraced me, they invited me to things and encouraged me and prayed for me. I went to activities and found I was having fun.
I am not the same person I was almost 5 years ago when I decided to leave my marriage. I am stronger, smarter, wiser, and happier. I am also still triggered at times, I am not trusting of people who set off my "gut" radar. I also am not always trusting of my partner. I will not let my guard down too much with him. He loves me, I believe that. He does a few things that I don't like and I am getting really good at speaking up for myself. I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I am learning what I like in a relationship and what I don't like. I also have learned that I can live without a man in my life. I can support myself and my daughters. I have my own place, I manage my own finances, I change my own oil on my car. I am guarded, I want a man in my life, but I am not afraid to be alone. I still have a lot of things that I question, I doubt things, I am nervous at speaking up for myself at times. So, I am a work in progress. And, I am ok with it.
It is ok. Give yourself time to keep healing. Take all the time you need. Enjoy finding what makes YOU happy. If nothing else, you will find what doesn't make you happy and that is ok too.
Cyber hug to you Justme. One day at a time. Being lonely happens, I feel it too sometimes. I don't pressure myself any more to feel one way or another. It will be ok again!
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Post by Justme on Jul 8, 2018 20:12:54 GMT
Thank you for the replies! Yes, seeing him at work is a trigger for me, but thankfully he works in a different building, same department, just a different site. I only see him face to face a couple times a month.
It’s been my goal to live life to the fullest. But I struggle. I think it is depression. I feel empty. My life feels empty. Even things I know used to make me happy, I can no longer focus on. My focus on anything is shot. Even though he and I never got romantic, I considered him my best friend and he was who I went to for emotional support, the one person I let myself feel closest to. I don’t necessarily want a romantic relationship. Right now, I know I don’t. But, I have an extremely hard time letting people into my life, I was always baffled by how quickly he became such a big part of my life and how fast I trusted him when I trust nobody. I tend to walk away from people if I start feeling like we are getting to be more than just acquaintances. I don’t have any old friends I want to get back in contact with. I was just as guarded as a child, well after age 6 anyway. I had one best friend growing up and once we got to be teens, she coerced me into a sexual relationship with her. So, my track record with relationships isn’t so great either. I’m feeling rather bitter today, so I do apologize if I’m coming across very negatively.
I have my 2 kids. I’ve been on my own with everything for just over a year now, so I know I can take care of myself. I have a decent job. I crave a connection with people, even just friends, but I don’t want to give another person the opportunity to hurt me again. There have been too many of those people already. At this point in my life, I don’t think my psyche can handle any more.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 9, 2018 22:09:43 GMT
Hi Justme, depression is very real and it has it's ups and downs. He was your best friend, he became a large part of your life and that loss is huge.
I am thinking perhaps go to your GP and make sure you are healthy physically. There may be some physical stuff going on that can contribute to low energy, difficulty focusing, difficulty sleeping, and I mean in addition to the depression. If you are not taking any medication for depression, it may help to talk to your doctor about that too. I know many don't like being on antidepressants, but sometimes they can help with "getting you over the hump" so to speak.
Support groups can help too. Going to one, like Parents Without Partners, or one for those who are newly divorced. It may help to start in a "safe" place and work through some of your feelings. My local DV center has support groups for victims of abuse. I went a few times and found it helpful to have others to talk to.
We can get worn down really easily too. I know I do. I can get really disappointed in humans as a whole. It is really sad to find that the only people I attract are abusers or controlling people. I have taken a few steps back and focus on me and what makes me happy. That can be really hard too when we are depressed.
Maybe take a class, like drawing or art or cooking. I did take a cooking class and I LOVED it. I didn't make any friends, but I did enjoy being around people who shared a fun time. I didn't share much about me with them, but I loved learning new skills and it was fun being a part of something different. How about volunteering? Maybe at an animal shelter..where you can go and hug the cats or walk dogs? Maybe giving to something and not having to share who you are would help? Or going to a school and reading to kids? You don't have to share your life, but you may be able to fill up that empty feeling, by helping others.
Just some thoughts. I know it is hard to go forward. One day at a time, one step at a time!
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