Post by Leah on Jun 15, 2018 6:43:00 GMT
Hello,
I'm new here. It's kind of a long story but I will try not to go on too long. I am 22 and I moved out of my mom and stepdad's house 2 years ago. My stepdad is/was an abusive alcoholic. He and my mom got married when I was 9 and my siblings were 7 and 12 Before she met him, she was what I think of as a "normal" mom. She worked 2 jobs and she was stressed out, but she was there for us and made did everything she could to make our childhood fun. We were broke but we didn't know it. After she met my stepdad, our money situation improved but that was about the only thing that got better. He was nice and kind to us in the beginning...until just after the wedding and then everything changed. He accused my mom of being too lax with us, of coddling us, he said we needed to learn to take care of ourselves. And he'd take my mom off sometimes just for a night out, other times for 2-3 days at a time. And when they were home with us, he was irritated at at least one of us, all the time. He'd tell us all the time "go away". The first time he hit me was when I was 10, it was because I mumbled back "You go away." My mom got angry that time but he convinced her sometime between that day and the next that I had it coming to me. He said I needed to learn to control my mouth. For a week after that, he wouldn't call me by my name, he only referred to me as "smartass". Even after that, he would refer to me "affectionately" as "my little smart ass". My mouth was always getting me in trouble but I hated him and as much as I tried to hold it inside, mostly to avoid getting hit, I couldn't hide it. It just got worse over the years and my mom stepped in less and less. She'd leave the house, she'd turn the TV up loud, she'd work late, anything to avoid being there to see it. She'd reappear after it was over and tell us how much he loved us and "if only you'd..." then it wouldn't happen. It went on until I was 17. There was this news story one day about a man trying to cross the highway and he was hit by a semi and killed. My stepdad had been picking on my sister all day. She was very sensitive and he enjoyed scaring her and making her cry. I told him to leave her alone and he just laughed. So I told him I wished it had been him who was hit by a truck. He took off his belt and whipped me across the back so hard he broke the skin. As my mom was cleaning up my wounds she said, "why did you have to set him off like that?" That night I went into the living room where they both sat and I told him that was his last go at me or my sister, if he ever touched either of us again or ever intentionally made her cry, that would be the last they'd ever see of either of us. He stopped after that but he and my mom were almost never there either. My brother had moved out so it was just my sister and I basically running the house on our own and we were okay with that. We missed our mom (who she was before), but as long as our stepdad wasn't there, we didn't care. After I graduated I got a full-time job and saved everything I could. I wanted to move out but I didn't want to leave my sister and my stepdad had made threats to send the police after me if I tried to take my sister. So I decided to wait until she turned 18. When the day came, I walked past my mom and stepdad with bags and boxes packed and told him, this is the last time you're going to see me and he said to my sister, "what about you?" and with what must have taken every bit of courage, she looked him in the eye and told him, "That goes for me too." My mom was crying and begging us not to leave that way and I told her to come and see me when she got rid of him. A few minutes later, my sister was out packing my car and I went back in for something and my stepdad cornered me and said, "Look at your mother. This is your fault." And he smacked me right across the face. I haven't seen either of them since that day.
A couple of weeks after I left, I met someone and we started going out a couple of months after that. I was 20 and he was 27 but I didn't think the age difference was such a big deal. He was sweet and funny and caring and my sister loved him too. She said it was just like having another big brother. We shared with him everything that happened as we were growing up and he was very sympathetic and told us that we didn't deserve that and we deserved so much better. He said he was going to take care of me, and my sister too, as long as she needed us. At first, she thought it was sweet of him but then she started complaining that he was treating her like a child, always wanting to know where she was going and when she'd be back. He said he just worried about her because he felt like we were all alone, with no family nearby, no one to check up on us and make sure we were okay. She moved after about 8 months. She did leave on good terms with both me and him but she said she needed her own space. A few months after she left, I started seeing the things she was talking about. I realized that I was feeling smothered by him. He is always checking up on me, always giving me unsolicited advice, insisting I do or don't do certain things, like not letting me leave without a sweater because he thinks it's chilly outside even if I'm fine without it. It's mostly small subtle things like that. Like I drink 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning before I eat breakfast and he's physically taken my cup away and told me, kind of laughing, that's enough and to eat something proper. Or turning the TV or the computer off at a certain hour because it's not good to stare at a screen right before bed. He says he just wants me to take care of myself. I've told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't trust me to to make my own decisions and he says he just can't help it, he loves me too much, and he says "Didn't I say I'd take care of you?" I told him I don't need him to take care of me, I just want him to be a partner to me and he says that's what he's trying to be. He just doesn't understand what I'm saying and I don't know how else to say it. One of my friends told me recently that he's a control freak and I never thought of it like that but now...I'm just so confused. He's so sweet and so funny, he's never even raised his voice at me. I agreed that he can be overbearing at times but I don't think he even realizes it. She says if he really wanted to understand how I feel he would be trying a lot harder and she is worried about me, she's worried it's going to get worse, like next he's going to start telling me where I can and can't go or who I can and can't hang out with. It kind of made me angry when she said that, I mean, she doesn't know him that well, she only knows what I've told her. But after that I can't stop thinking and wondering if there is more going on than what I'm seeing. I don't even know if I came to the right place, but I figured if there are red flags I'm missing maybe you all could tell me. I've been lurking for a while and deciding to post has been hard as hell. I feel like he's a good guy, but then look who I have to compare him to and I can see I could be wrong. What do you all think?
I'm new here. It's kind of a long story but I will try not to go on too long. I am 22 and I moved out of my mom and stepdad's house 2 years ago. My stepdad is/was an abusive alcoholic. He and my mom got married when I was 9 and my siblings were 7 and 12 Before she met him, she was what I think of as a "normal" mom. She worked 2 jobs and she was stressed out, but she was there for us and made did everything she could to make our childhood fun. We were broke but we didn't know it. After she met my stepdad, our money situation improved but that was about the only thing that got better. He was nice and kind to us in the beginning...until just after the wedding and then everything changed. He accused my mom of being too lax with us, of coddling us, he said we needed to learn to take care of ourselves. And he'd take my mom off sometimes just for a night out, other times for 2-3 days at a time. And when they were home with us, he was irritated at at least one of us, all the time. He'd tell us all the time "go away". The first time he hit me was when I was 10, it was because I mumbled back "You go away." My mom got angry that time but he convinced her sometime between that day and the next that I had it coming to me. He said I needed to learn to control my mouth. For a week after that, he wouldn't call me by my name, he only referred to me as "smartass". Even after that, he would refer to me "affectionately" as "my little smart ass". My mouth was always getting me in trouble but I hated him and as much as I tried to hold it inside, mostly to avoid getting hit, I couldn't hide it. It just got worse over the years and my mom stepped in less and less. She'd leave the house, she'd turn the TV up loud, she'd work late, anything to avoid being there to see it. She'd reappear after it was over and tell us how much he loved us and "if only you'd..." then it wouldn't happen. It went on until I was 17. There was this news story one day about a man trying to cross the highway and he was hit by a semi and killed. My stepdad had been picking on my sister all day. She was very sensitive and he enjoyed scaring her and making her cry. I told him to leave her alone and he just laughed. So I told him I wished it had been him who was hit by a truck. He took off his belt and whipped me across the back so hard he broke the skin. As my mom was cleaning up my wounds she said, "why did you have to set him off like that?" That night I went into the living room where they both sat and I told him that was his last go at me or my sister, if he ever touched either of us again or ever intentionally made her cry, that would be the last they'd ever see of either of us. He stopped after that but he and my mom were almost never there either. My brother had moved out so it was just my sister and I basically running the house on our own and we were okay with that. We missed our mom (who she was before), but as long as our stepdad wasn't there, we didn't care. After I graduated I got a full-time job and saved everything I could. I wanted to move out but I didn't want to leave my sister and my stepdad had made threats to send the police after me if I tried to take my sister. So I decided to wait until she turned 18. When the day came, I walked past my mom and stepdad with bags and boxes packed and told him, this is the last time you're going to see me and he said to my sister, "what about you?" and with what must have taken every bit of courage, she looked him in the eye and told him, "That goes for me too." My mom was crying and begging us not to leave that way and I told her to come and see me when she got rid of him. A few minutes later, my sister was out packing my car and I went back in for something and my stepdad cornered me and said, "Look at your mother. This is your fault." And he smacked me right across the face. I haven't seen either of them since that day.
A couple of weeks after I left, I met someone and we started going out a couple of months after that. I was 20 and he was 27 but I didn't think the age difference was such a big deal. He was sweet and funny and caring and my sister loved him too. She said it was just like having another big brother. We shared with him everything that happened as we were growing up and he was very sympathetic and told us that we didn't deserve that and we deserved so much better. He said he was going to take care of me, and my sister too, as long as she needed us. At first, she thought it was sweet of him but then she started complaining that he was treating her like a child, always wanting to know where she was going and when she'd be back. He said he just worried about her because he felt like we were all alone, with no family nearby, no one to check up on us and make sure we were okay. She moved after about 8 months. She did leave on good terms with both me and him but she said she needed her own space. A few months after she left, I started seeing the things she was talking about. I realized that I was feeling smothered by him. He is always checking up on me, always giving me unsolicited advice, insisting I do or don't do certain things, like not letting me leave without a sweater because he thinks it's chilly outside even if I'm fine without it. It's mostly small subtle things like that. Like I drink 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning before I eat breakfast and he's physically taken my cup away and told me, kind of laughing, that's enough and to eat something proper. Or turning the TV or the computer off at a certain hour because it's not good to stare at a screen right before bed. He says he just wants me to take care of myself. I've told him how it makes me feel when he doesn't trust me to to make my own decisions and he says he just can't help it, he loves me too much, and he says "Didn't I say I'd take care of you?" I told him I don't need him to take care of me, I just want him to be a partner to me and he says that's what he's trying to be. He just doesn't understand what I'm saying and I don't know how else to say it. One of my friends told me recently that he's a control freak and I never thought of it like that but now...I'm just so confused. He's so sweet and so funny, he's never even raised his voice at me. I agreed that he can be overbearing at times but I don't think he even realizes it. She says if he really wanted to understand how I feel he would be trying a lot harder and she is worried about me, she's worried it's going to get worse, like next he's going to start telling me where I can and can't go or who I can and can't hang out with. It kind of made me angry when she said that, I mean, she doesn't know him that well, she only knows what I've told her. But after that I can't stop thinking and wondering if there is more going on than what I'm seeing. I don't even know if I came to the right place, but I figured if there are red flags I'm missing maybe you all could tell me. I've been lurking for a while and deciding to post has been hard as hell. I feel like he's a good guy, but then look who I have to compare him to and I can see I could be wrong. What do you all think?
