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May 19, 2018 17:16:05 GMT
Post by Casey on May 19, 2018 17:16:05 GMT
Hi,
I need some help. I don't know where to go from here. I am 27 with a 2-year old son and I left my husband yesterday. He has been abusive to me in every way; emotionally, physically, sexually, financially, you name it. I've put up with it for 5 years and I have left 4 times before this, but I end up going back because I have no money, no job, nowhere to go. My husband has never hit our son but he has been getting more impatient with him. Our son is sensitive guy and my husband gets upset with him when he cries, or when he has an accident. We've been trying to potty train him and I just think he's not ready but my husband thinks he should be. He accuses me of coddling him and tells me that I'm turning him into a mama's boy. I just don't want my son to get hurt emotionally or otherwise, and that's why I'm determined to make this the time I leave for good.. I just don't know what to do now. My dad passed away when I was three, and both of my brothers are in the military. I only have my mom but I can't live with her. She's an alcoholic and was terribly abusive. The things she did make my husband look like a saint. It was to the point that I had concussions and she broke my leg when I was 14. My brothers didn't get off much easier but when they got bigger than her they started fighting back so she left them alone more. They were both really angry teenagers and were always in trouble for drinking and fighting and each of them ended up getting arrested a couple of times. But then one day they decided they didn't want to be like our mom so they joined job corps when they were 17 and 18, and later they enlisted. They're both doing great but I don't get to see them very often. I have tried many times to work things out with my mom, and she says she wants the same but she lets me down every single time. She is still drinking although she won't do it in front of me anymore.
My husband assaulted me Thursday night and it was the worst incident ever.. He threw me against a bookcase, smacked me in the face and punched my stomach over and over while accusing me of undermining his authority with our son. After all that he forced himself on me. I couldn't get away, my son was asleep in bed, all I could do was stay quiet and try not to set him off again. But when he left for work yesterday morning I packed a bag and took my son and left. I went to my mom for support, I don't know why but I thought given the situation, even she could act like a decent human being. But no. She saw me, she hugged me and then she asked me what I did to make him so angry. She said I get so hell-bent on doing things my own way that I don't listen to anything anyone else has to say and that's enough to set anyone off. It was like being punched in the gut all over again. I told her that's it, that's the last time she's going to let me down and she's not going to be seeing me or my son anymore. Of course as soon as I left her house, I wished I hadn't. Maybe I should have tried harder but I said it and that's it. I managed to save up about $200 which is quite a bit for me as my husband is very controlling of the money, but I know even that won't last long. My husband has been blowing up my phone since last night, from shouting at me and accusing me of being an awful mother for taking our son away, to apologizing, begging me to come home, and promising it won't ever happen again. I feel like smashing my phone to be honest but it's my only means of communication. I have called the hotline and they put me in touch with a shelter. I planned on calling them at the time but the more I thought about it, I'm not sure if I want to go that route. Has anyone stayed in one of the shelters? And can you tell me what it's like? I don't know, I just don't think I'd be comfortable being surrounded by a bunch of other people. I just want to be with my son. If money was no object, I'd just get in my car and drive as far away as possible. But it's not an option for me. I'm not sure what to do.
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karen
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May 19, 2018 20:08:15 GMT
Post by karen on May 19, 2018 20:08:15 GMT
Hi Casey, so very sorry for all you have been through! First, kudos to you for having the courage and strength to leave your husband. He deserves to rot. Your mother needs to be right with him. They both are abusive, that is obvious. None of the abuse you have gotten from them is your fault. They are both narcissists and it is clear what jerks they both are. Sorry if that is harsh, but wow!
I have never stayed in a shelter. I don't know what they are like. I can tell you that the ones where I live in the US are similar to houses. Like a townhouse or single family home. I go to my local DV center for counselling and I honestly have no idea even where the shelters are. But, even though they may not be ideal, they may at least be a safe spot until you can find a better option. They may have lots of resources and support available to you. Giving you a meal and a place to sleep and shower may be enough for you to catch your breath, and then move on. Maybe give it a chance just for a week or so? I don't know. I just know they can help you get past the "urgency" of needing a place to stay. Especially a place that is safe. Your spouse is not going to back down, so being in a safe place until he chills a bit really may be a good option? At least until you can get on your feet?
Once you are safe and can think and process everything, then you can leave the shelter and go forward? Are your brothers supportive? Or at least an option for a little bit.? You are right, that $200 will not last long, so maybe before you have to spend it, the shelter will give you some quiet and respite until you have to face the world again?
You don't have to try harder with your mother. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mother blames you??? How can it be ok for your spouse to beat the crap out of you and she blames you?? There is so much wrong with that picture...so much! A shelter has to be better than staying with your mom. You didn't do anything to deserve her abuse or your husband's.
The think with the shelter is I don't know how many people are actually there. I think a lot of people think of like a dormitory style setting and I am not sure that is accurate. My thought is they are sometimes like houses. Yes, there are other people there, but everyone is in the same boat, so you may actually find some support there. AND you can always leave. You won't have to sleep in your car, you can have a good meal, and get rest. You and your son will be safe. I am fearful that your spouse will find you and hurt you more. OR he will take your son away from you. You could definitely drive at least 4-5 hours away on one tank of gas depending on your car. There are DV centers and shelters in every major town in the US.
Putting some distance between you and your spouse may be the answer. Can you drive to where your brothers are stationed? At least then you will have someone nearby that you know and trust? Just an idea.
I will keep thinking. Wise not to throw the phone. I would turn it off so you don't have to listen to it. It will also save the battery in case you don't have a charger. He could shut it off too. That would be worse.
Hoping other's chime in here and help. Do you have any friends? Even acquaintances that may just be able to shelter you for a day or two?
Keep posting Casey, I will keep racking my brain of things that can help! You will be OK, I think you made a very good choice to leave. It will be ok.
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May 19, 2018 23:26:12 GMT
Post by Casey on May 19, 2018 23:26:12 GMT
Hi Karen,
I called the shelter finally. I stayed on a friend's couch last night but they had to go out of town so I can't tonight. So the shelter said they have a room but they are a short-term shelter, 7-10 days max. And I can't bring my phone. They said because it can be traced. They said they will provide me with a temporary prepaid phone. I hope I can figure something out before the time is up. So that's my plan for now. I'm not excited about the shelter but I can't keep going from place to place. My son needs some kind of stability, at least as much as I can give him for now.
My brothers are both far away. One in Okinawa and one in North Carolina and I am in Montana. Yes they are supportive but so far away. I don't have the money to get there. I called my brother in NC a few hours ago to let him know what has happened but his phone was off. He works late a lot so it's not unusual. But I left a message. Hopefully he will call back soon. I only have a few more hours before I have to check in at the shelter and obviously he won't be able to reach me on my phone.
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karen
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May 19, 2018 23:44:09 GMT
Post by karen on May 19, 2018 23:44:09 GMT
Hi Casey, well, 7-10 days max is something. It gives you a chance to think and clear your head and maybe your brother can help until you can get settled somewhere. Or some options. Also, maybe the shelter can give you some legal advice too. Your spouse needs to provide for his son and technically you too.
Maybe text your brother once you get the new phone. I get that they don't allow phones, jerks can trace it and find you too quickly. Everyone needs to stay safe as possible. Is your friend an option once she gets back from her trip? So hoping the shelter can help with job options, daycare, legal advice, and possibly shelter. I hate to think of you having to stay at your Mom's, but maybe somehow that can be an option too, especially if you have to work.
There are options such as applying for food stamps and things like that that may help in the mean time. I don't know if it is worth calling the police and filing a report about your spouse? Maybe the shelter can help with that too? He could be charged with assault. I suspect you won't want to get them involved.
So sorry you are in this spot Casey. Thinking of you and crossing my fingers things start to work out!
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May 20, 2018 5:10:39 GMT
Post by Casey on May 20, 2018 5:10:39 GMT
Hey Karen.
I'm at the shelter. They gave us a late dinner and my son is fast asleep. We have our own room which is great. It's quiet here, even with all the kids. It's much more comfortable than I expected. I don't think it's going to be so bad after all.
I have some good news. My brother called me back before I had to get rid of my phone. He is going to wire me some money and he also said that if I want him to, he will get us plane tickets to NC. He said we can stay on base with him as guests for up to 30 days and he might be able to help me find work. I haven't made a decision on that yet but I'm leaning towards it. I've got nothing keeping me here, housing is so expensive and I know in NC it's much more affordable. There's just no way I could stay with my mom. I don't ever want to see her again to be honest. And if I worked, I'd have to pay for daycare anyway because I wouldn't trust her with my goldfish much less my son.
I don't want to get the police involved but from what the shelter told me, if I decide to move out of state, he could try to stop me from taking our son and it would be helpful for my case if I had it documented and also to get a restraining order. If I have a restraining order they will grant me temporary custody at least. So I let them take pictures and tomorrow I'm getting a ride to the hospital. I hope it's the right thing.
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karen
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May 20, 2018 11:03:10 GMT
Post by karen on May 20, 2018 11:03:10 GMT
Hi Casey, all I can say is YAY!!! You are safe, your son is safe and I am so glad you heard from your brother! Being on base is a great idea, military bases are one of the safest places to be. If your spouse figures out where you are, he will not be allowed on base which will keep him away for a while. This will give you time to figure out your next step. So so so glad your brother is going to help you!
Having the police involved is a bit scary, but at this point, doing things "by the book" so to speak is what can be best as the last thing you need is to be considered "the crazy one". Abusers are so so skilled at turning things around and making us out to be the one that did wrong or we are crazy. At the hospital, I know it is weird, but please strongly consider telling them everything that happened, including if you were raped by your husband. That needs to be documented as marital rape is illegal. Gathering all the "evidence" you can at this point is going to help keep him away from you and help you stay as safe as possible. You don't want to be accused of kidnapping your son, even though you have and had every reason to take him and flee. This way, if you get a restraining order , it is documented. Also, I would ask if the restraining order is active in other states? Everytime he contacts you or tries to come within a certain distance, calling the cops has to happen in order for it to work.
Another thought for the future, where ever you land, perhaps purchase some pepper spray or mace They sell it so it can be put on a keychain and it is easy to carry. My thought is if he violates the order, and there is a really good chance he will (because many abusers don't care about a piece of paper), you can defend yourself if you have to, at least to deter him so you can get away. Don't get it until you settle somewhere, you can't take pepper spray on a plane (I learned this from my own experience).
Also, I don't mean this to be rude or preachy, but PLEASE listen to the counselors at the shelter. Meaning, don't use your phone. Don't CONTACT HIM or anyone who knows him. There is a post on here of a girl who left the shelter to drive and meet her sister and her spouse somehow found her and followed her, he caused an accident with her, then dragged her out of the car and beat her up to the point of her being hospitalized. Also, you don't want to give your spouse ANY opportunity to take your son. He knows this is a way to hurt you and he will be desperate to try anything. I suspect your spouse believes you are "bluffing". That you will come home as you did before. NO CONTACT. At this point, having any contact with him puts you and your baby at risk as well as all the others at the shelter who are also fleeing to be safe.
I think you are doing all the RIGHT things at this point! You are strong, brave, and smart Casey! You are protecting your son, you are staying safe, and taking all the right steps to stay away from your spouse! TRUST YOUR JOURNEY...you are on the right track for you and your child. At some point, you may need to get rid of your phone and get a new one. Your spouse will be able to trace where ever you are..even in NC. If he truly wants to try hard enough, he will be able to find you. Keep the numbers of those you trust and get rid of the phone. I imagine he pays the bill, so at some point you can send it back to him (an act of defiance) or throw it in the ocean.
ALSO..the police can escort you to your home and you can get the rest of your belongings. I imagine you didn't get to pack much, so you can go back and get things that are important to you and your son if you want.
At this point, going to stay with your brother sounds like a really good choice. Only you can decide what is best for you, but your spouse is dangerous right now and he isn't just going to go away. Please be prepared for a HUGE push to try and get you to come back. If you have contact with him, he may go from abusing you to threatening you, to saying he loves you to even threatening to kill himself because "he just can't live without you and our son". He may ask for "just 10 minutes so we can talk, you at least owe me that much after all we have been through together". And if you go back, it will not change, or it might and it will be worse. He will start abusing your son, which from what you said, he has already started with signs that he will do this. Your son is innocent and he can't defend himself, your spouse does not love your son. And by that I mean, what most people believe the definition of love to be. Abusers usually don't really care about their kids. It seems to be more of a status symbol for them, and someone or something they can use to hurt you.
Keep going Casey, one day at a time, one step forward at a time. You got this! I am relieved for you that things are looking hopeful at this point! You and your son deserve to be safe and not live in fear!
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May 21, 2018 2:10:32 GMT
via mobile
Post by Casey on May 21, 2018 2:10:32 GMT
Hi Karen.
I went to the hospital this morning and I told them everything. It was harder than I ever thought. They did a rape exam and it was horrible and painful. The doctor said there is a lot of bruising and some tearing. Which is good for my case I guess but it was a nightmare. And the sickest part is that after all that I still felt incredibly guilty getting him arrested. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I did. I have an emergency protection order and there will be a hearing within the week to get it extended. As soon as that's over, I'm going to leave for NC. I'll have to come back for court unless he pleads guilty which I think is highly unlikely but my brother said he'll get me back and forth if needed. He's being amazing especially considering this whole thing was a shock to him. He only met my husband a few times and I guess I put on a pretty good show. I don't know...today just took a lot out of me and I've been crying all afternoon. I didn't expect it to be so hard. I'm seeing a counselor first thing in the morning. This whole thing still feels surreal.
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karen
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Lost
May 22, 2018 2:43:42 GMT
Post by karen on May 22, 2018 2:43:42 GMT
Hi Casey, wow, so sorry about all you went through, it sounds dreadful!. Was he arrested? Feeling guilty is very understandable. For lots of many reasons we don't always understand, we still care about these jerks. That is the attachment part. I don't know why we seem to feel sorry for them and we feel guilty, but that is also the "self sacrificing" nature of most abusers. We would rather suffer than see our abusers suffer. Hopefully over time, that guilt will go away or at least subside. I still get a "twinge" of guilt on occasion towards my ex-husband, but he has the whole world feeling sorry for him, so it is tough to shake that feeling. He is very good at playing the VICTIM. EXTREMELY skilled at it.
I work every day to tell myself I don't have to feel guilty about anything. But we are also conditioned to feel responsible for the behaviors of those abusers we seem to love. I have finally gotten to the point where I don't feel so guilty anymore. It has taken me a while, but I have only just recently stopped feeling responsible for those around me and how they feel. It is incredibly draining and self sabotaging to feel responsible for others. I can't control my ex. I can't control my current partner. I can't blame myself for whatever they are feeling or doing and believe me it is a very difficult habit to break!
SO very glad your brother is helping you through this. I am sure he is shocked. Lots of people were very shocked when I revealed to them what was really going on in my 20+ year marriage. I had been with my ex husband for 26 years total. People had a very hard time believing me when I said he was abusing me. I was VERY GOOD at making my marriage appear like a happy marriage. I wasn't happy and hadn't been for probably 2-3 years before I finally left. I was one of those people in high school that everyone thought would be successful and happy and have a great guy and kids and house and dog. On the outside I looked that way, but behind closed doors my ex husband wasn't much.
Crying is ok. Let is all out. I cried for 2 days when my last partner (a guy I met online dating, fell in love with him just before I left my ex-husband, we were separating anyway) HE was horrible. He kicked me out of his house. HE DEVASTATED me and I cried like I have never cried in my life, sobbing is probably a better word. We just have to give ourselves permission to let it all go. As victims of abuse, we tend to hold it all in, we mastered the task of making things look good. Letting it go is a huge relief. It is like opening floodgates. AND it is very healthy.
SO glad you are seeing a counselor. By the time you read this I suspect you will have talked to the counselor. I hope you found it helpful.I have just started counselling again about a week ago. It helped me so much when I was first out of the relationships and I have gone back a few times since. We just have to process sometimes, work through the hurt and let go of the pain when we are ready. It can take a while. It is really hard to go through this.
I know what you mean by it being " surreal" Casey. I remember thinking "how can this be happening to me?" This can't be real. Some days I am still shocked that I had 2 abusive relationships back to back and each abusive in different ways. It was devastating to me. I believe I had some symptoms that lead to PTSD, I was traumatized by everything. I am still surprised at how I got through it. BUT I can say "I Did", and you will too. You are taking care of yourself and your son and making sure things are safe, secure, and by the book.
Keep going forward Casey, I am thinking of you and sending you well wishes. You have been through a lot. Your heart, mind, and body need to rest. Give yourself some time to just relax if you can. To catch your breath, before your next big challenge!
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May 23, 2018 0:16:41 GMT
Post by Casey on May 23, 2018 0:16:41 GMT
Hi Karen, yes he was arrested and charged with one felony and one misdemeanor. He's already out on bail. And I'm sure looking for me. Because I've left and gone back so many times, I'm sure he's expecting me to do the same this time. I'm just staying close to the shelter for now.
My son has been crying a lot. He wants to know where his daddy is and when we're going home. I've told him that daddy had to go away for a while but I don't think he really understands. He just says "I want Daddy" and "We go home now?" over and over again. 😢
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May 28, 2018 18:42:29 GMT
Post by Casey on May 28, 2018 18:42:29 GMT
Hey Karen,
I'm leaving for NC tomorrow. Something happened though and I am still in shock and a complete mess 5 days later. My mother sent me an email last Tuesday night--she doesn't have my temporary cell phone number obviously. She wanted to talk. She apologized profusely for what she said the night I came to her and said she wanted to try to work it out. I know I shouldn't have answered. I should have just deleted it. But I started thinking about whether I was really ready to cut her out of my life forever. I kept asking myself if I had *really* tried everything to work it out with her. And I knew I was leaving soon and didn't want to leave hating her. So I said okay. I left my son with a friend and met her at a restaurant the next day. It was all the same crap I've heard before. And then...her phone rings, and it was my ex! She tells him, "Hi...at (the restaurant). Yes, she's right here, but you know you shouldn't be trying to reach her. You're going to get yourself in trouble." WTF!! I got up and it took everything not to throw my food at her! And as I'm storming off, she tells me, "He's really sorry." I've never been so pissed off in my life. Fuck her. Maybe she'd rather be his mother. He can have her and she can have him. I told her if she ever tries to reach me again, I'll get a restraining order against her too.
I'm devastated. I know my husband is a piece of shit and it hurts that the man I loved and gave my heart to would hurt me like he has, but this is so much worse. She is the one person that I should be able to trust to protect me and be there for me and she has done nothing but betray me over and over again. My entire life. And I don't know why I can get it through my head that she is NEVER going to be a real mother to me.
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karen
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Lost
May 29, 2018 1:09:20 GMT
Post by karen on May 29, 2018 1:09:20 GMT
Hey Casey..OMG! Your mother is actually putting your life at risk! I am shocked, but as you described, she is abusive and she continues to be. She also sounds like a Narcissist and clearly the only person who matters to her is HER. This is so wrong on so many levels!
I am so so sorry she disappointed you Casey. It hurts terribly when our parents let us down and practically throw you to the lions. It hurts even more when they are not the parent we need or want!. We keep trying with the people we care about, we keep thinking that this may be the one time they are better and they continue to prove why we need to stay away. It hurts like crazy...there are no words! She did a horrible thing to you and truly does not deserve you in her life or your son in her life. She keeps having opportunities to be a better person and sadly she has no idea how to be that, nor does she think she needs to be. She did exactly what an abuser would do..draw you in and then think only of herself. Obviously, he feeds her compliments or cash or something that makes her feel good enough to side with him. I am so glad she did not have your phone number. Does she know where you are going? Because if she does, then your ex does too. WOW. I can't stand her and I don't even know her, wait, yes we do know her. She is abusive.
Words escape me. What she did is like being kicked in the stomach, it takes your breath away.
Wow. That is all I can think to say. At this point, be smart and be vigilant, protect you and your son, your ex may know where you are headed.
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May 29, 2018 3:35:09 GMT
Post by Casey on May 29, 2018 3:35:09 GMT
Hi Karen,
No she doesn't know and I called my brother already and told him not to tell her anything no matter what. Of course he hasn't spoken to her in years but I don't know what she might try. I don't know why anything surprises me about her, or him at this point. They always were making excuses for each other. She would point out how I was at least partly at fault when he hurt me and try to "help" by telling me what I should do to prevent it the next time. And I listened to her and believed her! And he'd tell me how I was being too harsh with her and that I should give her more credit, and remind me that she was the only mother I had. I don't know why it took me so long to see it.
Everything he did to me, all put together, doesn't even compare to this. You're right, it's like being kicked in the stomach. Only being kicked in the stomach would have hurt less. Don't ask me how I know that. And I've been sitting here since it happened, asking myself what is wrong with me. My husband not loving me, that's hard enough to process. But aren't mothers supposed to love their kids unconditionally? I know that there isn't a single thing my son could do to ever make me stop loving him. So what did I do? Why am I so unlovable? I know it's not rational, and I've talked to the counselor here but it's still too much for me to accept that none of it is my fault and that it is all them. To accept it is to accept that the two people I loved more than anyone else in this world (up to when I had my son) are pure fucking EVIL and I didn't even see it. How could I not see it?
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May 29, 2018 3:41:41 GMT
Post by Casey on May 29, 2018 3:41:41 GMT
When I say nothing should surprise me about her, or him, him = my husband, not my brother. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
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karen
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Jun 1, 2018 2:13:35 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 1, 2018 2:13:35 GMT
Hey Casey, NOTHING is wrong with you. Yes, we are humans and we all have our flaws, but you did nothing to deserve the abuse from your Mother or your husband..absolutely nothing. THEY are completely responsible for the pain they inflicted on you.
You were completely innocent when you were born and your Mother was narcissistic then and she still is. She has been this way, I am sure, for probably most of her life. She has been very self centered way before you were even conceived as well. You are not unlovable, the people who are in your love are INCAPABLE of loving. The way you speak of your son, you are nothing like your mother. I hear someone who is kind, loving, compassionate, and forgiving. ALL qualities a Narcissist LACKS. THE most important thing to a Narcissistic ABUSER is THEM..they cannot and will not even consider that someone else is more important. AND if they sacrifice any part of their own life..they expect return favors and complete devotion and loyalty.
We can't see it because they are our parents, we have lived most of our lives trying to please them, to make them happy and proud of us, and to do what they say because we trust that they know what is best for us. WELL THEY DON"T..any many of the prove how much they don't know. We have an incredibly strong attachment to our parents and it never makes sense when they hurt us, especially on purpose and so no remorse. The apologies she gave you were not genuine. They were a tactic to get something that she wanted from you..your devotion, your trust, and your undying loyalty. Her ego needed to be fed and she found a way to do that by hurting and controlling you.
It hurts something horrible when people do things like this. AND it is incredibly difficult to make any sense of it. We kinda have to find a way to accept it almost. AND I know that is easier said then done. My parents are very flawed, they continue to "parent" me and I am almost 53 years old. It drives me crazy because they just don't get it, they never will. AND I still, after all these years, seek their approval and my "inner child" still gets hurt when I do things they don't approve of or I disappoint them. I can never win. NEVER. I am trying really hard to change my habits and not seek their approval..but their approval of me, = LOVE. It isn't rational, but to my brain it makes sense.
I hope you are on your way to see your brother or already there! Thinking of you Casey, I hope things are going well!
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Jun 2, 2018 5:53:06 GMT
Post by Casey on Jun 2, 2018 5:53:06 GMT
Hi Karen,
I am at my brother's now. I got here 3 days ago. I'm okay. It's good to be away from home and from my husband and mother. It honestly hasn't felt like home in a very long time. I wish things could have been different with my mother but I can't change it. God knows I tried. It's still a lot to absorb, that she is just incapable of loving. I just never thought losing her would hurt so much. I could take what my husband did 100 times over and I don't think it would hurt this much. I'm sorry, I know I came here about my husband but I've hardly thought of him in the last few days. It's thoughts of my mother that are consuming me. I haven't been sleeping and when I do I'm having nightmares. I think now that I'm away from my husband and I don't have that distraction, I'm having to face everything my mother did when I was a kid and everything she's been doing, and I realize I've never come to terms with it. I left home when I was 18, and met and married him within a year. I went straight from her to him, and I poured everything heart and soul into my marriage and making it work. That was, in my mind, my way of getting past my childhood, but now it's all coming back to me. I've called a local shelter and they put me in touch with a few different counselors close by and I'm planning on starting to make phone calls next week. I hope I can find someone I click with. My brother is trying to be here for me and we have been talking but there are just certain things I can't talk to him about. I can't tell him that after he and my other brother left home, things became exponentially worse. My mother felt abandoned by them and she was pissed off and I bore the brunt of it. She demanded that I show her absolute devotion at all times. If I even mentioned one day leaving home, if I showed an ounce of defiance, even a hint of a dirty look, there would be terrible consequences. And it went on clear past my 18th birthday, in fact, all the way up until the day before I left home. At times I cursed both of my brothers for leaving me alone with her. I know now that they were just trying to save themselves and I can't fault them for that but at the time I was very angry that they hadn't taken me with them. Obviously I've got a lot of shit to work through and I'm not doing great but I'm okay and I'm hoping this will be a new start for me.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Jun 2, 2018 12:54:07 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 2, 2018 12:54:07 GMT
Hi Casey, glad you have landed in NC. Being away can really help us to heal, gives us a different perspective and a chance to "breathe". No apology needed, abuse comes in all shapes and sizes..our partners, our parents, our kids, our bosses, even our spiritual leaders, it can come from anywhere. Abuse from a parent is worse, because they are supposed to love us unconditionally and it is devastating when we realize they don't.
I am glad he is there for you, and yes, it is really hard sometimes to tell someone that they inadvertently contributed to your pain. In many ways it sounds like what happened with them leaving is a form of "abandonment". There is emotional abandonment, it happens a lot in abusive relationships, but can happen in any relationship. I suspect your mother "emotionally abandoned" you. She will say she was there, she didn't leave, but it isn't that kind of abandonment. I read a book called "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". It was really good in helping me to get past the "abandonment" I believe I experienced when my abusive exes "left" me. It talks a lot about the "inner child" we have and the needs that haven't been met when someone who claims to love us, basically stops loving us and starts hurting us.
Finding a good counselor will make a difference too. A lot of times, we believe that parents are supposed to put their children's needs ahead of their own. And many good parents do this. Many other types of parents (abusive and even controlling parents )don't have a clue how to do this and basically don't. They believe they are putting their kids first, but they really are not. Someone who truly puts someone else's needs before their own, that to me is someone who knows how to love another. BUT putting someone else before yourself "In order to make yourself look good to others"..that is narcissistic and still abuse. My parents are controlling, they believe that they are doing the best by me, yet if they truly wanted me to be happy, they would let me find that happiness on my own, not by conforming to their beliefs of what THEY think I have to do in order to be happy.
I would have been incredibly angry with my siblings as well. My current partner is still angry with his father for leaving him and his 2 younger siblings with their abusive/narcissistic mother. He didn't take them with him, he abandoned them both physically and emotionally. That was 30 years ago. He is still working through it.
It takes time to heal these wounds we have suffered. It took several years for all the wounds to happen and it will take lots of time to work through it. AND that is ok, give yourself permission to feel sad, to grieve the relationships that haven't been what you wanted or hoped for. It sounds like you put your WHOLE self into your marriage and your relationship with your mother. AND got only hurt back. I did the same thing with my marriage. I did EVERYTHING I could think of to make my marriage work. I say now that the only good thing that came of the marriage is my two beautiful daughters. I learned a lot, I grew a lot, and I am stronger for all that went on. Would I do it again? Only if I could have my kids. They made it worth it. There were a lot of good times, not so much with him, but times that I found happiness in MY LIFE. I didn't depend on him for my happiness after a while. I came to realize he was never going to make me happy. It took me several more years to get up the courage to leave and my life has been way better as a result. It has been almost 5 years since I decided to leave. It I am still working through my feelings. AND It is ok. I take one day at a time.
To me, healing is a journey. Happiness happens along the way, some ups and some downs. That is life. Everyday, I try and find positive. AND I am not successful everyday, but it is in the quiet moments, when I am alone and loving my home and my own space, that I find the positive. I am alive, I am safe, my daughters are beautiful and becoming strong, positive women and finding their joys. I have friends who are genuine and care about me, and I have family members who I enjoy spending time with.
Starting over can be scary, but it can also be a place of hope. A place to begin to learn who you are Casey, who you want to be and what will make you smile everyday. My life is better now than it ever has been and that is because I am not with toxic people who hurt me.
You got this, one day at a time, "Trust Your Journey"..I promise you it will lead you to that happiness you seek.
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Lost
Jun 4, 2018 21:03:58 GMT
Post by janine on Jun 4, 2018 21:03:58 GMT
Casey, I just finished reading your posts here and have to say you are such a courageous and amazing woman and mother! You will be ok. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually you will have your entire life back 100%. This is hard right now, but it is also temporary. It will pass.
You did the right thing. All of what you did was right and I am so glad you did this.
The restraining order, documenting the injuries, moving to NC. All of it. Well done.
Domestic violence never gets better. It escalates, as you already sadly experienced. Men like your (soon to be) ex husband do kill or at least severely injure their partners and/or children if the woman does not get away. Having the restraining order and living on base for a month will give you lots of time to safely re-plan your life. The time right around leaving and right after leaving can be extremely dangerous. But nothing compared to staying. From what you described, the abuse and the rape and all of his behavior, staying would have meant not only risking your own life (and that your son has no mommy) but also your son's life and emotional well-being.
You did the right thing. 100%.
oxoxoxo
It sounds like you got/get to see a counselor, which is good. The base in NC might also have free counseling options for family members of service members. Your brother will be able to help you, and I am so glad you have him. He sounds like a wise man for not talking to your mother anymore as she sounds not only abusive, but a danger to your life. No normal mother would risk her daughter's life like that by telling the abuser you are at that restaurant.
Once you rebuild your life, you might want to look into more therapy/counseling to address the complex childhood trauma. (C-PTSD) My mother was/is abusive and neglectful as well. It took me so long (years) and a LOT of going 'back for more' to realize she just does not love me like a normal mother does. It hurts like hell. It is cruel. And you will cope and you will heal.
It won't be easy and there is no quick fix. But by being a loving mom who keeps her son safe you are already putting an end to that generational trauma your mother was trying hard to pass down to you. It ends right there. And it sounds like your brothers also turned their life around and do better for themselves.
We don't get to pick our family of origin. But we get a second chance in life and pick our own 'tribe'. That's how I look at my friends and husband and those family members I consider safe.
We are here for you if you need an ear. Keep doing what you are doing. You sound like you have a VERY smart head on top of those shoulders. I am a college instructor in Illinois and have friends who teach a community college in NC. There are many many options for working moms nowadays once you are ready for that. My one friend does nursing right now for example, and the college gives her free tuition plus they provide free childcare and as long as she keeps her grades up she gets financial aid.
This is not where your story ends. One of these days in a few years from now, I will be back here to see an amazing update from you and you will shake your head at how far you have come. And how much you have overcome.
One step at a time now. One day at a time.
That's how we climb a mountain.
Hugs from Illinois, if you'd like some.
oxoxox
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