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Post by crystal on May 15, 2018 20:02:09 GMT
I have been getting flashbacks for the last two months of my time with my ex abuser. I get nightmares where I am with him and trying to escape and sometimes in the nightmare I am quite happy to be with him.
He put me through so much abuse and I have been out for so many years so now sure why this is happening.
Everything in my personal life is a mess. I took an overdose four weeks ago and had to get treatment. I was off work last week and am pretty sure I am going to lose my job soon.
I feel so unhappy and want to die.
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Post by anonymama on May 16, 2018 2:15:20 GMT
Hi!
Sorry you’re having a rough time. Don’t give up. Are you in therapy? It sounds like you are still dealing with the trauma. You’re safe! Rejoice in that. Start there. Take care of yourself. You got away, now give yourself some love.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 16, 2018 2:50:42 GMT
Hi crystal, so glad you came here, I hope you can find support to help you go forward.
The nightmares are triggering things for you, it sounds like. It is bringing the past back to the forefront of your mind and everything is getting stirred up. I don't know how to help you get rid of the nightmares.
First though, if you have a counselor, maybe calling them would help as a place to start talking about what is going on in your life. You are saying you want to die and your have already attempted that once. I urge you to talk to your therapist or your psychiatrist. make sure they know that you are still considering suicide. If you want to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline..it is 1-800-799-SAFE.(7233). You can remain anonymous and a live counselor can help. They may have a lot of good ideas on how to help you sleep. The nightmares can be really scary. BUT talking to someone can help you to process what is causing them to come back. It is very possible they have been repressed over many years and your brain just can't hold back the wave of circumstances at this time.
It can and will be OK. Focus on helping you to feel better is what matters the most. There a many things available to help you to try and sleep better. If you are becoming sleep deprived, then everything going forward is going to be a mess. I know people have listened to nature sounds on Pandora Radio, or tried guided meditation, or listening to positive, calming music or videos.
Our brains don't know if things happened a week ago or 5 years ago. The memories can be just as strong. Please seek out your counselor or doctor if you are feeling suicidal.It is hard sometimes to keep going forward and continue to heal. I know I lost my job as a result of suffering from what I believe were symptoms of PTSD. I can say, that with counselling and a lot of self reflection and determination to survive, I am not gainfully employed, I have a new home (all mine) and a life I am really enjoying. It can get better Crystal, please take your time and allow yourself to heal. It may be taking 1 step forward and 3 back. It isn't easy. BUT the happiness you seek is out there, please don't give up on trying to get it.
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Post by crystal on May 16, 2018 20:53:31 GMT
Hi
Thank you for your replies. I am seeing my GP every two weeks at the moment and next see my psychiatrist on 19th June. I am also on enhanced access for assessment at the local psych hospital.
The domestic abuse people said I went through high level abuse so I guess it is always going to leave some scars. I am wary of people and what I tell them about myself so they can't use it against me. Friends are on at me to try online dating to meet someone else but it seems too scary and dangerous to me.
I have been through physical, sexual and emotional abuse but have been out for some time so can't phone a hotline as they just help people in the situation. I was told this rudely once when I phoned.
I almost quit my job today but texted a friend and she said she was feeling the same way so we can talk on Saturday when we meet.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 17, 2018 1:59:49 GMT
Hey Crystal, I am glad you have helped lined up. It sounds like you did go through some pretty horrible stuff. Leaving scars happens, doesn't mean it is easy to accept. I don't blame you for being wary of anyone. Trusting humans in general is very difficult after being abused in so many ways. I still have issues trusting people and I am almost 4 years out. AND, please don't judge yourself, don't tell yourself you should or shouldn't be at a certain point because of how much time has passed. Healing takes a while, and we can't force it or rush it or make it happen quickly. It takes a lot of time. There are suicide hotlines too that may help. We are here too. The DV hotline is immediate to talk to someone and the person who told you that on the phone? I don't think they said the right thing. Them turning you away is wrong. We can have feelings and nightmares and thoughts, long after we have been out. There is no set time that says you have to be healed or else something is wrong. It is ok to feel the way you feel. One thing that I will warn you about is ONLINE DATING..Given what you are posting about how you are feeling, I would question if you really feel like dating someone and getting into another relationship is really the BEST thing for you? I am not going to tell you what to do, but if I was in your shoes, I would NOT begin to date someone as there is a VERY HIGH CHANCE you will be with another abusive partner, or possibly with one who will cause all these triggers to resurface and more nightmares. I don't think there has been enough time for you to heal from all that happened to you. PLUS..ONLINE DATING is incredibly RISKY for people who have been abused. It is a feeding ground for ABUSERS to find their next victim. I have been there, I will NEVER go online dating websites ever again!! I met a guy who abused me for a year, he was the worst person I have ever met in my life. I left my ex-husband (was going to anyway) and walked right into another abusive relationship. It was the worst abuse I have suffered. I would urge you to REALLY re-think any idea about dating at this time. It will not help you heal...I promise you it will make you worse. That is purely my opinion. I am sorry you find yourself at a point where quitting your job is your only answer. Perhaps, when you are feeling that overwhelmed, maybe text your friend, or write here so people can help you to get past the moment you are feeling. Or take a step back, take breaths and perhaps try to focus on something else. Find something else to occupy your mind. Something that can distract you from making a decision you may regret later, as a reaction to a feeling you are having. It is ok to have feelings, they can come and they can go. WHAT becomes a problem is when we choose to do harmful or self destructive things as a result of those feelings or thoughts. Or, we keep those feelings bundled up inside and we get stuck. Like they become a blockage that we can't get past. We have to let it go so we don't get all "blocked" up. Also, calling the hotline at a different time of day, you may get a different person who is answering the phones. That may help. I am really surprised by their response to you. One day at a time Crystal. Give yourself permission to just focus on one day at a time. Tomorrow will always be there, but focusing on today and enjoying today can really make a difference. We are here, hope you will keep checking in.
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Post by crystal on Jun 25, 2018 1:56:55 GMT
So I have been cancelling all my psych and medical appointments. I ended up self harming on Tuesday and had to get stitches. My GP has made an appointment for me for this Friday to see her and she only gave me 10 days tablets so I will have to go. The nurse called for me to go in and get my stitches taken out on Wednesday morning.
I am still getting nightmares and flashbacks and last night I was listening to a song and it just seemed to sum up how much love I used to have for my abuser. That doesn't make any sense as he put me though horrific abuse.
I quit my job and feel relieved about that, I just need to find something, anything else soon.
I feel so sad and confused about all of this. I don't know if I belong here anymore but the abuse effects are still with me.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Jun 28, 2018 14:37:16 GMT
crystal,
You ALWAYS belong here. Here on this forum, but more importantly, here in this life. You have my compassion. There is a lot of suffering going on right now. I hear you and I believe you matter. This is not how it will feel like forever.
It sounds like your PTSD may have slipped into clinical depression (a normal symptom of PTSD) and the self-harming is something I can relate to. I never cut (thought about it though) but slapped myself in the face with a flat palm, and punched my stomach with my fists, as well as smashing a brush against my head and scalp until it bled. And then the drinking. I used to drown and numb my feelings with red wine.
Now, you sound a little shaken, which is very very understandable. And given the circumstances you described, I would like to encourage you to stay close to your medical providers, and to seek psychiatric help asap if the thoughts become too dark. Suicide is not an option. I say that because back when I left my ex, it was HARD for a few years and I did consider suicide, even called a hotline once.
Suicide is NOT an option. Let's remove that from the table right now. Telling myself that really helped because that way I got to focus on what I COULD do. The first thing was to find a skilled and truly compassionate counselor. 4 years into therapy and I stopped self-harming and drinking, and feel mentally healthy for the most part.
You are going to get better as well. No doubt about it. And we can't do these things alone.
The sentence you wrote in an earlier post also really resonated with me. You wrote "I want to die." And I get that. I get it 100%. I used to think and say "I want to make myself go away." It sucks donkeyballs to be in the midst of depression and that hopelessness doom-gloom tunnel. Those are real thoughts and belief but...they are NOT true. Meaning, we may THINK it is over and we want to die and it'll never get better...but that is NOT true and NOT reality.
It's not your fault you feel the way you do. If you could, you'd switch a button and feel better asap.
Please go ahead with your medical appointments and do reach out to your trusted friend/s and anyone else you feel safe with. Depression and suicidal ideation made me want to isolate and hide. That is NOT a good idea. Even if it feels like the last thing you want to do, do reach out. Connect.
We get hurt in connections with others...but we also heal in connections with others.
Have the national suicide hotline number ready at all times, just in case.
Therapy helped me to see how my abusive family history (a narcissistic mother) let me fall for abusive men in the past. Therapy helped me crawl out of that cycle. It is very common for survivors of DV to feel suicidal.
But remember, suicide is NOT an option. So let's see what else we can do to get you feel lighter again. The tools are out there, and I am proud of you for reaching out to your doctors in the first place. It also sounds like your job was a source of suffering, so now a new opportunity will come that will meet your job needs better.
We are here for you. Just note please that we do not monitor this forum 24/7. Right now it's just me doing a bit of admin work and keeping spam posts away, and karen is one of our loyal members who helps out so much. But we are not medical professionals and you deserve 24/7 support whenever needed.
oxoxxo
Come as you are, as often as you feel like. I am so glad you are here!
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Post by crystal on Jul 5, 2018 22:56:26 GMT
Thank you Janine for your reply. You are right suicide is not an option, its a temporary solution to a permanent problem?
I do have clinical depression and another diagnosis as a result of my CPTSD
I am engaging with my pschiatrist in that I will go and see her on 16th July. I am getting help from a crisis centre for 14 days and have a telephone appoointment with them tomorrow
I stil cab't get away from the sexual stuff my abuser got me in to. I feel so ashamed and damaged
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 7, 2018 18:53:30 GMT
Hi Crystal, it's Ok to not be Ok. There is actually a book by that same title. It is about re-building after abuse. It takes time and a lot of energy to get past all that has happened. I read recently that it can take years, really, years. AND..that is ok. It is ok to be the way we are. I am almost 5 years away from my ex-husband and 4 years from the ex jerk boyfriend and I can say it gets a little easier everyday. He put you through SO SO much. You have every reason to feel the way you are feeling. You are doing all the right things from what I can see, talking to a counselor, talking to your psychiatrist, getting support from the crisis center. ALL good things to take care of you. I was talking to a friend of mine a few days ago, she suffered significant abuse from a guy she was engaged to, he threatened to kill her at one point. SHe asked me how I cope. She said she "puts it all in a little box in my head and it usually stays there, but sometimes something can happen and that top falls off the box and it all comes back". I told her, yes, that happens to me too. I can cope and deal with everything most of the time, but there are days and situations that happen and it all comes right back as if it happened yesterday. AND it makes no sense. Don't beat yourself up for feeling ashamed, or guilty, or bad about all that happened. It is ok to even feel good about the good stuff that happened. Feelings are feelings, they come and they go and that is ok too. Your feelings are valid, you have been damaged, but you are not broken. It sounds to me like you are smart, and strong, and very brave to be facing it all and trying to make your life better. Cyber HUG to you for all you are doing. Perhaps just give yourself permission to feel bad at times. Permission to say, "I suffered so much and it was not my fault, I didn't deserve it and it was his problem, not mine". "I am a good person, I am strong, I am loveable, I deserve to be happy and healthy". Everyday tell yourself these things (or a variation if you want). One day at a time, one step forward and if it happens, 2 steps back. It is ok. Trust Your Journey...trust the path you are on, you are healing and getting better, sometimes, that is all we can ask for and it is ok. ! Karen
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