Post by middymark on May 23, 2014 12:30:15 GMT
my name is mark i'm 26 from Manchester. iv got alot to say so sorry if this drags on as i don't even know where to start.
the last 5 years have been so hard, iv not experienced death iv not had to put up with an illness and i have a family who have taken me in when i needed, so why have i got to this point?
a woman? drugs? depression? lack of confidence? all and more?
when i was 15 years old i made the worst mistake of my life, i started to smoke bud, i didn't carry on very long but the seen was sown and by the time i went to college i was well hooked. i was bullied at school from primary all the way to the end of high school (but who wasn't) my first major relationship ended with her sleeping with a guy who was in my circle of mates. i lost all them as i was not a very popular person in the first place.
my 2nd relationship was with a woman who was in a bad way, she was beaten and cheated on by her ex and had a little boy i will call James (fake name) who i tuck on as my own for over 2 years. she cheated on me so much that one day when i was bathing the baby i walked downstairs and heard a friend of hers say "your both going to hell for what your doing to him" i later found out that when i was bathing James she was kissing a guy who was her friend before she met me and became my friend too. she cheated on my again and again until i left because the pain on being cheated on so much over so long was more than the pain of leaving a child who called me daddy. i tried to stay single but felt alone and ended up meeting the woman who finished me off.
Girl number 3 i will call Lisa (fake name again) was amazing and seemed like everything i wanted. beautiful smart motivated and from a rich background. she was not getting on with her parents so after 4/5 weeks she moved into a caravan next to my mum and dads with me. the violence started not long after and i found out that she had been in violent relationships in the past, witch she blamed on her ex's. i got a job as worked my every hour i could get to show her that i wanted more for us both. not long after we got a house in a nice area where she wanted to move. she ended up flirting with guys on Facebook and with a guy who i had just become mates with. the bud was getting more and more necessarily and not of just a fun thing we did until it became something that was needed every night. when we didn't get it i could cope i would be a little quiet and withdrawn but i was never moody and was never the kinda person to even have ago at people or make there life hard. Lisa on the other hand would make everyone around her unhappy and would do anything she wanted until she had it again. i lost my job because when i went she would argue with me and make my working life hell even stopping me from going until i was sacked. i was not willing to spend my money on bud and she lost it with me hitting me and making me feel like shit more and more (by the way I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T LEAVE I CANT FIGURE IT OUT!) one night she went to far told me she had shagged my mate and he was better than me. i followed her upstairs pushed her onto the bed held her down and screamed in her face until i was dizzy. when i let her go she ran into the bathroom called the police and said "my boyfriend has just raped me" the next 5 mins is a bit of a blur but i remember using a power lead and the banister to hang myself. it was not a cry for help i jumped off the couch in the hope that my neck would brake, it didn't so i just hung there waiting to die. the police most have saved me because the next thing i know i was on the floor being checked over. i was taken to hospital then told i could leave the next day. the police came to my mum and dads hours after i came back (on Dec 18th my birthday is on the 22nd) they charged me with rape and put me in a cell for about 8 hours. i had my DNA finger prints taken then interviewed. and be leave me you not innocent until proven guilty FAR FROM IT.
even know i didn't rape her the police really wanted to charge me and lock me up (a police officer told me that on the way back into the cells). Lisa made it clear that she was very very sorry but i didn't want her back so she let me know that if i didn't take her back she would not drop the charges and i would go to jail. so i went back. my mum and dad went crazy (rightly so) and told me that i am stupid and they want nothing to do with me if i go back to her. i didn't want to go jail and i felt sorry for her because i still loved her. we didn't have a place to stay anymore so we was put into a homeless unit (i was in a male one and she was 2 miles away in a female one).
one night she turned up with a mate telling me her car had broke down and she needed me to push it back. we made it about a mail. the last thing i remember was a scream and a crash, then waking up under a car i first thought was the one i was pushing. it turned out that i had been hit from behind by a people carrier crushed in between both cars and then pulled under the people carrier and bragger up the road. i don't know how i lived and i am fed up thinking there is a reason why.
i was in hospital for a wile and when released was put in a scrubby old dirty one room flat to finish off recovering from something 3 years on, i am still in pain with. Lisa helped me by helping me shower and dress and buy me food. some nights i had to cook noodles in a kettle because no one came to see me and no one rang. after teaching myself to walk again and teaching myself to get over the fear of even leaving the one bed flat i moved in (with Lisa) into a mates house. after 2 weeks there she told me she was pregnant and she was keeping it. i was shocked seeing as i was on painkillers and struggled to do most things. the only time i remember us having sex and me finishing was when i was in that one room flat and i was off my head on painkillers and didn't really know what was going on.
i told Lisa how hard this was going to be because i had helped rise a child in the past, but like always she knew best. at that point i give up. i had no control over my life at all we moved into a one bed flat i became a slave and a mental punching bag. i did everything she wanted me to do and let her take all her anger out on me. i would smoke bud every night with her even tho she was pregnant. when she didn't have it she would be sick (violently) not get out of bed or eat and treat me like shit, she would say "i need the bud to cope with the sickness" when she had it she treated me so good i felt loved again.
we had a beautiful baby girl called Mia (again fake name) Lisa didn't change at all and would be happy for me to get up everyday and kick off with me when it was her turn so i would just have to get up even if the pain was too hard to cope with. we ended up moving to a new place close to my mum and dads but i didn't see them often.
one day she snapped at my again and i could not let Mia see it anymore so i told her we was leaving as i tried to leave she started hitting me (i was holding Mia at the time) the police were called and she was taken away. the police tried to help me but couldn't get me into a domestic violence unit because AND I QUOTE i am not a woman. so i was shipped to a place they put homeless family's. the only way i could get legal aid was by being in a domestic violence unit because the government had just cut back on the legal aid funding so i could not get a residency order. Lisa promised me she was sorry and with the help of her parents she was getting help. so i dropped the changes and told her she could see Mia but would have to bring her back. the first time she tuck Mia she didn't bring her back i was shocked to find out that the social blamed us both for the violent past and said that because Lisa's mum and dad had got her a 2 bed flat for her and Mia they were not going to do anything at all.
i was left high and dry with nothing at all. my mum and dad tuck me back in and after some time (yes u guessed it) i moved back in with Lisa. before i go on i want everyone to understand that i moved back in with her because she was still smoking bud and i wanted Mia to have a parent who was drug and anger free. plus that way i knew Mia was getting what she needed.
after some time she kicked me out because she was not happy, i moved BACK to my mum and dads and now sleep on a couch and only see Mia when she can stay here in an over crowded house. my body is wrecked from the i haven't been helped by the people who are pain to help people in my shoes and i have been let down again and again. as sad as it sounds i don't want to live anymore and if you have read this post then i hope u can understand why
this is not a cry for help, i just want people to understand i never wanted any of this i just could not say no to people who didn't care and now i have nothing left to give and don't even have the energy to be a nice person anymore. please learn from my mistakes.
the last 5 years have been so hard, iv not experienced death iv not had to put up with an illness and i have a family who have taken me in when i needed, so why have i got to this point?
a woman? drugs? depression? lack of confidence? all and more?
when i was 15 years old i made the worst mistake of my life, i started to smoke bud, i didn't carry on very long but the seen was sown and by the time i went to college i was well hooked. i was bullied at school from primary all the way to the end of high school (but who wasn't) my first major relationship ended with her sleeping with a guy who was in my circle of mates. i lost all them as i was not a very popular person in the first place.
my 2nd relationship was with a woman who was in a bad way, she was beaten and cheated on by her ex and had a little boy i will call James (fake name) who i tuck on as my own for over 2 years. she cheated on me so much that one day when i was bathing the baby i walked downstairs and heard a friend of hers say "your both going to hell for what your doing to him" i later found out that when i was bathing James she was kissing a guy who was her friend before she met me and became my friend too. she cheated on my again and again until i left because the pain on being cheated on so much over so long was more than the pain of leaving a child who called me daddy. i tried to stay single but felt alone and ended up meeting the woman who finished me off.
Girl number 3 i will call Lisa (fake name again) was amazing and seemed like everything i wanted. beautiful smart motivated and from a rich background. she was not getting on with her parents so after 4/5 weeks she moved into a caravan next to my mum and dads with me. the violence started not long after and i found out that she had been in violent relationships in the past, witch she blamed on her ex's. i got a job as worked my every hour i could get to show her that i wanted more for us both. not long after we got a house in a nice area where she wanted to move. she ended up flirting with guys on Facebook and with a guy who i had just become mates with. the bud was getting more and more necessarily and not of just a fun thing we did until it became something that was needed every night. when we didn't get it i could cope i would be a little quiet and withdrawn but i was never moody and was never the kinda person to even have ago at people or make there life hard. Lisa on the other hand would make everyone around her unhappy and would do anything she wanted until she had it again. i lost my job because when i went she would argue with me and make my working life hell even stopping me from going until i was sacked. i was not willing to spend my money on bud and she lost it with me hitting me and making me feel like shit more and more (by the way I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T LEAVE I CANT FIGURE IT OUT!) one night she went to far told me she had shagged my mate and he was better than me. i followed her upstairs pushed her onto the bed held her down and screamed in her face until i was dizzy. when i let her go she ran into the bathroom called the police and said "my boyfriend has just raped me" the next 5 mins is a bit of a blur but i remember using a power lead and the banister to hang myself. it was not a cry for help i jumped off the couch in the hope that my neck would brake, it didn't so i just hung there waiting to die. the police most have saved me because the next thing i know i was on the floor being checked over. i was taken to hospital then told i could leave the next day. the police came to my mum and dads hours after i came back (on Dec 18th my birthday is on the 22nd) they charged me with rape and put me in a cell for about 8 hours. i had my DNA finger prints taken then interviewed. and be leave me you not innocent until proven guilty FAR FROM IT.
even know i didn't rape her the police really wanted to charge me and lock me up (a police officer told me that on the way back into the cells). Lisa made it clear that she was very very sorry but i didn't want her back so she let me know that if i didn't take her back she would not drop the charges and i would go to jail. so i went back. my mum and dad went crazy (rightly so) and told me that i am stupid and they want nothing to do with me if i go back to her. i didn't want to go jail and i felt sorry for her because i still loved her. we didn't have a place to stay anymore so we was put into a homeless unit (i was in a male one and she was 2 miles away in a female one).
one night she turned up with a mate telling me her car had broke down and she needed me to push it back. we made it about a mail. the last thing i remember was a scream and a crash, then waking up under a car i first thought was the one i was pushing. it turned out that i had been hit from behind by a people carrier crushed in between both cars and then pulled under the people carrier and bragger up the road. i don't know how i lived and i am fed up thinking there is a reason why.
i was in hospital for a wile and when released was put in a scrubby old dirty one room flat to finish off recovering from something 3 years on, i am still in pain with. Lisa helped me by helping me shower and dress and buy me food. some nights i had to cook noodles in a kettle because no one came to see me and no one rang. after teaching myself to walk again and teaching myself to get over the fear of even leaving the one bed flat i moved in (with Lisa) into a mates house. after 2 weeks there she told me she was pregnant and she was keeping it. i was shocked seeing as i was on painkillers and struggled to do most things. the only time i remember us having sex and me finishing was when i was in that one room flat and i was off my head on painkillers and didn't really know what was going on.
i told Lisa how hard this was going to be because i had helped rise a child in the past, but like always she knew best. at that point i give up. i had no control over my life at all we moved into a one bed flat i became a slave and a mental punching bag. i did everything she wanted me to do and let her take all her anger out on me. i would smoke bud every night with her even tho she was pregnant. when she didn't have it she would be sick (violently) not get out of bed or eat and treat me like shit, she would say "i need the bud to cope with the sickness" when she had it she treated me so good i felt loved again.
we had a beautiful baby girl called Mia (again fake name) Lisa didn't change at all and would be happy for me to get up everyday and kick off with me when it was her turn so i would just have to get up even if the pain was too hard to cope with. we ended up moving to a new place close to my mum and dads but i didn't see them often.
one day she snapped at my again and i could not let Mia see it anymore so i told her we was leaving as i tried to leave she started hitting me (i was holding Mia at the time) the police were called and she was taken away. the police tried to help me but couldn't get me into a domestic violence unit because AND I QUOTE i am not a woman. so i was shipped to a place they put homeless family's. the only way i could get legal aid was by being in a domestic violence unit because the government had just cut back on the legal aid funding so i could not get a residency order. Lisa promised me she was sorry and with the help of her parents she was getting help. so i dropped the changes and told her she could see Mia but would have to bring her back. the first time she tuck Mia she didn't bring her back i was shocked to find out that the social blamed us both for the violent past and said that because Lisa's mum and dad had got her a 2 bed flat for her and Mia they were not going to do anything at all.
i was left high and dry with nothing at all. my mum and dad tuck me back in and after some time (yes u guessed it) i moved back in with Lisa. before i go on i want everyone to understand that i moved back in with her because she was still smoking bud and i wanted Mia to have a parent who was drug and anger free. plus that way i knew Mia was getting what she needed.
after some time she kicked me out because she was not happy, i moved BACK to my mum and dads and now sleep on a couch and only see Mia when she can stay here in an over crowded house. my body is wrecked from the i haven't been helped by the people who are pain to help people in my shoes and i have been let down again and again. as sad as it sounds i don't want to live anymore and if you have read this post then i hope u can understand why
this is not a cry for help, i just want people to understand i never wanted any of this i just could not say no to people who didn't care and now i have nothing left to give and don't even have the energy to be a nice person anymore. please learn from my mistakes.