I need help to stay strong

Hi Lisa..I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Your husband is clearly abusive and what he does to you is very wrong. I applaud you for leaving the times that you have. It is not easy to leave, the abuse can escalate at that time and it is very scary. You go back because you are attached to this man. It is like being addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. Very hard to break an "addiction". It is called "Stockholm Syndrome"..where we get attached to our abusers. I think there is an article on this site about it.

I am sure you are hurting, your husband sounds horrible. Can you go back to the Ukraine? Go home and be with your family?

I am not surprised at all that he was confident and charming and used so many tactics like the limo and red carpet to lure you into his web of abuse. I fell for a guy online and he was very similar to your husband. I was hooked and "in love" with him before I ever met him. I moved in with him after 2 months of dating, and the abuse started just before that. I never got hit..but the emotional abuse was traumatic. He kicked me out of his house to punish me after living together for 9 months. He tried to get me back and apologized, then when I decided not to go back, he blamed me for being the one who left. Didn't matter that he kicked me out before that. He was horrible!! He met a woman online 4 weeks later and 9 months after that they married. I suspect she is miserable.

You are already strong Lisa..even though you may not feel it. You have left several times and that speaks volumes to your inner strength! I am not surprised he lured you back in on the day of your divorce. He is very good at getting what he wants. Maybe call the Domestic Violence Hotline again and begin again. Everyday is a new opportunity to leave, a new opportunity to start fresh. Please call the hotline so you can leave as safely as possible. They will help you, they understand that we go back over and over again. It is part of being traumatized by he abuse.

I urge you to call. I would not leave your daughter behind, make sure she is involved in your planning. I admire you Lisa..you are brave, strong and smart! please call the hotline and get a safe plan to leave. I would also suggest counselling once you leave..either a support group or 1:1 counseling. That support will also help you to stay away from him. NO CONTACT once you leave. It is the best thing to help you continue to stay away from him.

We are here Lisa, please be careful on the computer. Anything we can do to help, we will.

Karen

Hi Karen, thank you so much for reading my post, of course I can not fit it all in here how awful my lace is for the last 9 years. It means so much to me that you care and you don’t think I am crazy as I have been told almost every day by him.

I will leave with my daughter and she was involved a lot when we left last time in November 2016, I am telling her more now about what’s going on every day when she is not present. She took class domestic violence this autumn in university, and when she came home she told me that we are in ‘shit’ in real danger here. I read the book Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do it’ and it describes my husnand 100%. I was shocked, I think it opened my eyes and I feel like this is not happening to me, how could I allow myself to be so naive and blind.
I just recently taking pictures of my bruises.

He tells me I am crazy, I need happy pills, if something bad happened ( he hit my daughter when she was 12, he hit my mom when she was here and she is 80 years old) he always says it never happened and I need to be looked up in mental clinic. He says I am his property and he paid for me...like I am an object. He says he is trying to teach me for 9 years how real wife suppost to obey and listen to the husband and I am too stupid and stubborn.

He says I am embarrassing him every time I left because he is a respected businessman and I am nothing. He says I will not find a job anywhere but I am good enough to run his office and do 2 people’s job now, because he fired office stuff to save money 4 years ago
He is super jealous and possessive, he doesn’t let me to talk even to his youngest son who is 27. He spends all his time with me 24/7 or he would call like 20 times in 3 hours for example.
I don’t have friends but even my daughter is not allowed to have girlfriends over at the house.

He says I will be looking behind my shoulder every single day till the rest of my life if I leave him again or something really bad can happen to me or my girl. He even says he would hire someone to hurt and rape me and her.

I am Canadian citizen, and my daughter, Valerie, feels like home here, she loves it here, she grew up here, her life and future is here, I just can’t get it why police doesn’t seem like want to help me at all.... maybe because I left and came back, I don’t know.

All I wanted is a family, I was single to 10 years after my first divorce, I had a house, irs burned down now because it’s war in Ukraine, I had a very good paying job, I had good friends and loving family and now I am distroied, I feel useless and no self esteem.

He doesn’t let me to go get a job because I must help him with his business and as a wife I shouldn’t get paid because I live in his house and he buy food for us. I do not have allowances, groceries he buys and if he takes me and I ask for something he would just yell or walk out of the store and leave everything in a cart.

He locked me out of the house many times, changed internet password so I can’t talk to my mom on skype or my daughter can’t do homework, disconnected cable tv for last 2 years because I don’t behave like he says.

He doesn’t do drink or do drugs he only gambles but no one knows how much he is making and that is all gone.
He distrtoied my possessions, he throw objects at me constantly, he makes me to say sorry all the time after yelling and screaming at me, everything that goes wrong my fault.

I can go on and on I realized I am not myself anymore and what example I am give my girl for her future relationships.
I am 43 and it sucks to start from zero and have nothing and no one here to support but it’s ok I hope I can do it, even I tried 3 times before.

Karen, thank you again for your support I will try calling hot line when he is not around. I am so happy and it is very helpful that I found this forum. I am reading and learning lots here that I am not alone and if others women did it so can I.

Hi Karen, I am so happy that I found this place, you have no idea what it means to me. Thank you so much for your support!

I use my phone to write, I would never do the same mistake again like before he was reading my messages to my friends. I am very careful this time. I just found a great place online yesterday in my city they offer free consultation with lawyer, domestic violence advocates, social services and physiologist. Just need to make excuse to get out of the house which is really hard.

You are so right, he is a monster and I guess you never see it coming, I realized it doesn’t matter rather you meat someone online or in real life. Now I know what I don’t want in life and I don’t want to give a bad example to my daughter. I don’t want to be told how to talk how to look when to go to bed what to watch on tv and even when to have sex because it’s “wife’s job”

Yesterday he throw one litter mayo jar at my back and I was all covered in it, have a bruise on my lower back, and then he said say sorry go on your knees and say sorry. I didn’t I am just trying and it’s really hard to keep calm till I have a plan in place. My daughter is finishing this year of school in April and I hope then we are gone. I want to rent small storage unit and she can bring some of our stuff there so he doesn’t notice. Nothing special but some sentimental things since my house burned down back home and some clothes

Karen, you are so right about no contact, I did it for almost a year when I left first time, and I had restraining order but he was still contacting me and cops didn’t care. Only one time I was so mad and I complained then he was arrested and spent 4 days in jail. But now looking back I am gonna get it again for sure and every time he tries to contact I will complain to cops because he is dangerous. And I don’t give a shit if he makes lots of money, I am human too and I have right to be free. He calls me stupid doll with no brain, well I guess now I grow some brain now and I am gonna protect myself.

I am just not sure if I have give statement to police again, it’s so hard I’ve been there before nothing really changed except I got 2 years protection order. If you could give me advice on it I would really appreciate it, and will also ask at that place see what they advice me.

Even I read so much about domestic violence I still don’t understand how anyone be so cruel, like he had no soul, no emotions and no heart. Maybe I will never understand it , I can’t cry anymore, I just want to be free and live normal life like I had before. I still believe there are many good people and even I am older now I will find my happiness later. I am not scared of living at a shelter and taking minimum wage job or suffer financially which I will I just want to be free even to talk to my daughter when I want not when he allows me.

Thank you Karen for care and support it means world to me.
Lisa

Hi Karen, thank you again for your support, I would definitely stick to your advice but sometimes I just can’t control situation. He gets mad within a second and out of blue. I still try to keep piece till we leave, he actually told me the other day that I am planning something and that’s why I don’t react to all his comments and verbal abuse. He told me if I am going to leave again he will pay someone to pretend to be my boyfriend and stash drugs in purse later if I ever leave him again. I have never done drugs in my entire life but I will be watching my back till the rest of my life I think.

I think the hardest part of all of this is how to stay away and don’t go back, I feel like I am brainwashed. When I left him in March 2011 first time I still came back a year later. He moved on very fast when I left and found a girlfriend in 3 weeks, she moved on in 2 weeks but after 4 months she left him, from what I heard he was abusing her as well. After a year being away I had no contact with him because I had restraining order and blocked him and all of his family everywhere on social media. I will definitely do it again after I leave.

Maybe something really wrong with me and he right when he says I am crazy phyco I just don’t know why I keep coming back to him. Maybe because I am scared to be a bad parent not able to take care of my daughter on my own, also she is 20 now and she has part time job and goes to university. I met him when she was 11 and put her through hell in last 9 years and it’s totally my fault. She is my everything, my life I don’t want her to repeat my mistakes.

I don’t want to sound like a child but for adult with university education me keep going back to him doesn’t seems to be logical. I keep reading every day about domestic violence and try to sink in all of it in my head and remember he will never change. This is not how I want to leave my life. I was told I am ugly, stupid, no one will never want me, too old to find someone, can’t get a job to support myself.

I realize it’s hard for me to get a job and on top of it he ruined my credit cards with 15 grand in debts but my guts telling me every day run before it’s too late, run before you loose yourself completely. What I realized for sure I am not gonna trust anyone anymore blindly. I made a check list in my head what is acceptable for me and I know my boundaries. My family and my friends back home think I can do it that I am strong enough but I am not anymore I cry only at night when no one can see. Sometimes I just want to scream of the top of my lungs I need help!

I know what I need to do very clear and logical just leave him but at the same time I am scared to go back again. I just don’t know how to do it, detached myself from him emotionally forever. I sound like a mess right now.

Karen please if you have any thoughts about it I will follow your advice, I trust you because you have been there.
Thank you, Lisa

Hi Karen, first of all I am so grateful for your support and understanding. I will follow your advice and call hotline and I was also thinking to call shelter where we stayed last time in November 2016, I am just feeling guilty because I didn’t listen to their advice and went back to him. Some days I feel like I can leave him and some days like I am terrified that I go back again.

You are right Karen, I need counseling, I can’t deal with it myself, it’s like addiction even worst, I try to think about it like it’s a cancer and I need to fight it. I am sure when I leave next time shelter will help me, maybe there is a free counseling of some kind because I can’t afford to pay for one. I am even considering to file another police report if he doesn’t leave us alone and from experience we’ve had already he won’t. Next year my is a graduating from university and I think we can even move to a different city but for now 100% I will stay no contact, I will block every single person related to him on social media. And I will be persistent with police if he tries to contact me which he will. Everything I have already done in 2011 I will do it again all over again. I know it will be so hard even now thinking of it, I have no idea how I did it back then all alone and terrified in new country.

It is a circle and the more time passes the more dangerous it gets. I try to keep it quiet like you said talk only when he asks me for something, I just can not control it anymore he constantly keep asking what am l thinking about, what’s in my head, if I am planing on leaving again and so on. Stupid me again today I asked him if I can go get a job, OMG he was yelling and yelling for half an hour. It feels like he can’t talk like a human anymore just constantly yelling at me and name calling. He said if I want a job outside of his business I need to get the f...k out of his house now. I will never talk about again I swear.

When I was asking to get drive licence he told me he wasn’t gonna pay fir it or buy a car or pay insurance or pay for gas, I told him when I get a job I will pay him back, it was a NO every time. He didn’t let me to go to college or take English classes not that I needed it but I wanted to make friends. We leave like low income family even he makes on average 700 thousand a year. He doesn’t do drugs or drink only gambles I mean everything all his income, every week sometimes 2-3 times a week, never ever he stayed away from casino for more then 2 weeks when he had no money obviously. Nobody in his family knows how much he is makes and that is all gone to casino. I am not gonna tell them because it will back fire at me at the end of the day he is their family not me. They will believe him, his lies how much money he spent on us. They believe I lied to cops when we left first time, sure, cops stupid they just believed me and my kid, she was terrified of him and testified in separate room with tv screen in it from court room with children advocate by her side, against him in 2011.

Last time we left in November 2016 we stayed at shelter for 11 days, I got lucky he was gambling and shelter had a room for us that day. My daughter even got me a job at MacDonalds, i started to work there and he start sucking me in back slowly, telling me I can’t afford to survive on my own with min wage, I can’t be selfish and that my daughter needs to study more instead of working part time and helping me. So I listened to this shit and beloved him and we went back, also she didn’t want to go back I talked her in. Also he manipulated me into quiting my job.

I need to start somewhere here to work because I can’t put him as my reference on my resume for the last 9 years because he will turn everything into shit and I don’t want him to know where I work. I will worry about it later I guess, if you have any suggestions Karen I will appreciate it. Also he was asking me to sign up pre nap agreement lately I said no, I realize I won’t get anything but I am not doing it, just because I was told to it as usual. He is smart, sneaky and very manipulative I know what he is capable of. But I am also the only one who knows what’s going on here, and how much debts he really has, how much taxes he owes to government and everyone else in business.

All I want just to be left alone, disappear from him, his rage, his hoovering, his control and manipulation as you said Karen I am telling myself from now on I can do it, I deserve better,I am a good person, it’s not my fault, I have a big heart and I love helping people, am i gonna trust again same way I did before probably not, in time maybe not sure. I am not so naive anymore. I don’t want to be used anymore, I don’t want to be blamed anymore for every single thing that goes wrong in his life, I am not responsible for his gambling addiction that he had all his life and hid from me till I moved here.
I need to learn how to take care of myself which I never done after we got married.

Of course he doesn’t hit me every week, only humiliate me, talking like I am a child, like I have no brain or memory it’s so hard to be here every day feels like enternity. “Do as you told, behave, you are my property, I paid for you,shut the f..k up nobody interested in you talking f..ng c..t, Russian bitch(even I am Ukrainian) and so much more every single day. He even changed passwords everywhere to Russian bitch, I have to type this shit every day to sign in business related stuff, how crazy it is? I feel like I am going crazy and I can’t breath here.....I just really hope shelter won’t judge me and will be supportive because I have no where to go, I am terrified to be homeless this is my biggest reason why I am still here and why I come back to him.

Karen take care of yourself, even we are just talking online I feel very comfortable and open to share with you. Be safe, hugs
Lisa

Hi Karen, as usual you are here for me, some days I just feel so messed up in my head and don’t even know if it all worth it. Sounds completely stupid, what if he is right and I can’t survive on my own or I truly deserve to be abused. He tells me I love it....when he calls me all those nasty words, when he talks about my family and friends shit all the time. He even says he must hit me or break something in the house so I shut the f.. k up. I guess I am just st so tired of thinking about all of this. My family is constantly asking me when exactly I am leaving, I don’t know when, there are so many if’s And I have to plan lots and be ready when the day comes I just go, just leave within 2-3 hours. Every single day I am making sure that I am strong in my mind and this is the last time I am leaving but my family they don’t see it, don’t understand how it feels.

I feel so exhausted sometimes, just can’t function at all, I can just sit and look at the window, keep playing over and over again in my head what to do, how to do and when. Tomorrow finally he is allowing to stay home and he will be gone to work all day, I am gonna call shelter first and then hotline. That’s the plan for now. I barely have any time alone here, he wants my presents 24/7 , I can’t even go to bed when I want. I remember how it feels yo be free and do what you want.

Karen, your words just warmth up my heart, thank you for your support, I’ll keep you updated how my phone calls go tomorrow.
Hugs, Lisa

Hi Karen, I have some good news, i was able to talk to shelter where we stayed last time, they put me on a waiting list but also told me in case of emergency I can still come they will figure something out. I was surprised they remembered me, was asking about my daughter and her school. The stuff is great, I am lucky at least with that.

I am just terrified with all debts I have and have no idea how I am gonna pay it back at all. I also talked with my daughter about it, she offered if I could stay for another year after she graduates she will be able to help me with money, I just don’t know if I can and you never know when he will get physical again. As for now I am trying your advice talking only when I talked to, it’s pissing him off. I can clearly see how much he crave from reaction from me after every insult, every abusive comment.

Recently he started again telling my daughter that I have cancer and I’ll die and I am not telling her because I don’t want her to worry about me. That’s bulshit, I told her not to listen. He is now trying to f..k with her head because I just try to ignore him as much as I can. How sick and heartless can this man be, he is 59 and saying staff like this to her, he knows I am the only family she has here. I had to reasure her that I am fine. She said she learns this stuff, what these people can do and say, in school but still worried about me. It’s just makes me sick.

Last two weeks, he didn’t leave me alone even for 10 min, I think he suspects something, it is exhausting to pretend and play this role. I was reading a lot online I try to read at least 15 min every day about domestic violence to keep it fresh in my head that nothing will change, I need to leave him and stay away. But the fear of being homeless just doesn’t leave me alone and now I was thinking lately this is the reason I keep coming back to him. Guilt also, I am a people pleaser and I feel responsible for many people, my daughter first of all, I don’t want her to suffer meaning thinking about money more then her school, she is smart and doing so great every year. My mom, my sister and my niece they are dependent on me, I send them money to rent apartment so they stay away from war zone, it is still a war going on there. The only one thing changed for me I don’t feel anymore that I am responsible for this marriage, for his needs, his feelings or his future.

On one hand I just want to disappear like yesterday just walk away at the door and don’t look back, on the other hand I feel stack here for so many reasons, or maybe I just make excuses for myself and I am useless and codependent now. Karen, I love how you say, one day you couldn’t stay any longer and it was stronger then the feeling of staying even for your kids. Just trying to survive every day here.