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Post by Anna-Lee on Feb 28, 2018 5:42:22 GMT
Hello, I'm new to this site and I've never done anything like this before; that is reaching out online, and I don't know if what's happening is really abuse but I feel sick and sad and lost right now and don't know where to turn. My family are pretty distant people. I'm closest with my mom but we bicker a lot. She's always criticizing my life choices and implying that my life would be different if I'd just listened to her. Of course she's been married and divorced twice. I just can't share this with her; I can't deal with anymore "I told you so".
Anyway, it's about my fiancé and I. We've been together for 4 years, engaged for 14 months. We were very happy for the first few years but since we've been engaged it seems everything is crumbling. He lost his job less than 2 weeks after he proposed. A few months after he still hadn't found full time work and he started feeling down and going out drinking every weekend. Now it's gotten to be 2-3 times a week. Before that we were both working full time, and we were very focused on saving. We weren't looking to get rich. We just wanted to get some financial stability starting out. He still liked going out so once a month or so we'd go have a night out, with a nice dinner and not worry about money. We'd drop several hundred dollars sometimes but he enjoyed it so much and we could afford it. I didn't think it was a problem. After he was laid off, he started collecting unemployment. We agreed we'd still go out once a month but we'd budget for it. So maybe $100 instead of $300. He was very optimistic at first. I'm not sure what went wrong. I feel like he's quit trying at all. His unemployment has run out and he's depressed and angry. If he doesn't go out, he's out in the garage drinking or smoking pot. Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep us afloat financially, and anytime I've tried to discuss it with him, he either gets more depressed and sometimes even cries--which works because I feel sorry for him and back off--or he gets downright mean. He says I just don't understand what he's going through; that I'm insensitive and a nag. He's even called me a bitch. Maybe I am but I can't keep this up. I'm taking on extra hours at work and I'm so stressed. I was recently diagnosed with Crohn's. Thank goodness for insurance. My medications are covered. But I can't take time off when I have a flare-up because we won't make the rent if I do. He says he feels awful when I'm going through that but I guess it's not enough for him to change his ways. I haven't told him he has to get a job tomorrow or that I expect him to make what he was before. All I've asked him to do is stop spending so much! He's 37--it's not like he's a kid. I can handle going out on occasion like we used to, or him getting a 12-pack on the weekend. What I can't handle is him spending half of what I make on drugs and alcohol and not even trying to contribute. I've tried to get him to get some help; counseling, medication, anything. But it just makes him angry. He accuses me of thinking he's crazy and he refuses to discuss it.
Well, I lost my temper yesterday. I screamed at him and called him pathetic and selfish and told him to stop feeling sorry for himself, and I can't keep trying to help someone who won't help himself. I started to storm off and he said no, you're not leaving! He grabbed my arms, shook me, and pushed me back onto the couch. I was ok, it just shocked me that he'd do something like that. I didn't end up leaving, I just went back into the house and when I came back out he was gone. Out to the bar I'm guessing. This morning I saw he left marks on me. When I got home from work today I confronted him, as gently as possible. I thought he'd realize he'd crossed the line and say he was sorry but I didn't even get that. Right away he shut me down and said that I'm making him out to be an abuser and he's not. He says I need to look at myself because the things I say to him are hurtful and insensitive and that I clearly think I'm better than him just because I have a job and he doesn't. He said if anyone is an abuser it's me. I don't know where all this is coming from because I never even used the word abuse; he brought it up. He's gone out again and I can't stop crying. I'm replaying everything in my head and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I feel like if I was more patient and understanding it wouldn't have gotten so bad. I know things are not right or normal but I don't know what exactly to call it. I don't understand how it's all gone so bad.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Feb 28, 2018 22:28:26 GMT
Hi Anna-Lee..welcome here, sorry you find yourself in a situation that is not ideal. It sounds like things have escalated and gone from bad to worse.
My first thought is..you are not abusive. Being abusive has many behaviors and tactics attached to it and you have not described that here. Is he abusive? He shoved you and hurt you physically. And this may be the first time, but there are chances that it will not be the last. He is not even that remorseful of what he did. I would suggest you call a national Domestic Violence Hotline and speak to someone. You can remain anonymous, but they may be able to shed some light on what is going on.
I don't know your history, but there is a good chance that he is controlling and manipulative and has done somethings that would be considered abusive. I suspect what he has done so far is abusive and I feel like you are at risk for him hurting you more. He is not doing anything to make things better. I also would not be surprised if he didn't have a history of hurting women in the past. There are usually signs or patterns and I suspect they are there, they may be subtle, but they are there. I have been in 3 abusive relationships..anyone looking at them would say it wasn't abuse, calling someone a "bitch", shoving, pushing, being that aggressive is considered abuse.
A few things may help..read a book called "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft, it may give you more insights as to what is or has been going on in your relationship. Call your local Domestic Violence Hotline and speak to a counselor. Again, you don't have to give your name, but they can help you start to figure things out.
Be safe. Please really be careful. Shoving and leaving marks..indicates violence. It won't get less..it will get worse. If you have a friend or someone you know and trust..that isn't friends with him..perhaps call them and take a break and go see them for a while. Taking a break may help..but be careful..it may cause him to be worse. The Hotline can help you with that. You can GooGLE the hotline and a number will come up for your area.
We are here, keep posting. Karen
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 1, 2018 4:08:51 GMT
Hi Karen, Thank you so much for your kind response. As far as our history, I truly didn't see any signs. Before he lost his job, he was just wonderful. Everything I ever wanted. We almost never argued and if we did it didn't last long. I didn't see this coming at all. I know it sounds stupid to say that, but I've been in an abusive relationship before, when I was in college. But it was so different and so much worse than this and it started very early on. I was 20. He told me he was 27 and divorced; it turned out he was really 34 and separated. It didn't last long, less than seven months. He was very jealous from the beginning, but he said it was because he loved me so much, and his wife had cheated on him. He always made it a point to tell me that it wasn't that he didn't trust me; that this was HIS issue and not mine, and thanked me constantly for understanding. But if I called him out on it, he'd get angry. If we were talking on the phone and he heard male voices in the background, he'd want to know who I was hanging around with. It got to the point where I was calling him back when I first woke up, before classes started, in between classes, after my last class, when I got home and before I went to bed, if we weren't together, just to avoid an outburst. We were only together for 2 months when he started hitting me. The first time it was because I told him I couldn't take his paranoia anymore and I called him crazy. He was always very apologetic and cried and begged me to forgive him. Everything that happened he blamed on what his wife had done to him. After he threw me into a kitchen table and fractured my wrist so badly I had to have surgery, I had him arrested and got a restraining order. He violated it twice but after the judge told him he'd throw him in jail for a year if it happened again, he disappeared. I never heard from him again. I guess I was lucky in that regard.
So when I met my fiance, he was the polar opposite. He was soft spoken and gentle, he loved my family and friends and encouraged me to go out and spend time with them When I went back to school to complete my Master's degree, he was right behind me and told me he was proud of me.. I grew up with all brothers, so I have several male friends and he's never shown any sign of jealousy. He was just so different. That's why this has all come as such a shock to me. But then I think, there had to be something I could have seen right? I feel like I should have seen something because of what I went through in college. But I didn't. So I think that's why I find myself questioning whether he is abusive or whether it was just a one-off. I feel very torn.
He came home early this morning after going out last night. He was crying. He said he didn't mean the things he said and did and apologized profusely for hurting me. He said he feels like a failure because he's worked his whole life (this is true) and now can't even provide for me. He said drinking numbs the pain. I told him if he hurts me again, it's over, and that he has to get help now, or it's over. He said I was right and he's ready to get help. I feel like he was being genuine and I told him so but I also told him I'm having a hard time trusting that he's going to follow through. Actions speak louder than words, I've learned that much. He pounded his fist on the table and said he needs me to help him and he needs me to trust him. He was really irritated that I said I can't yet. He's stayed in and I've removed all of the alcohol but he's being very very quiet. I tried to talk to him and he kissed me and said he loves me but he doesn't want to talk about it anymore today. I hate tension like this. I hate it. When I was with the guy in college, after he would hit me and he'd apologize, things would be good for a while then things would get really tense and then it would start all over again. That's why I can't stand it. Part of the reason we always have settled arguments quickly in the past is because he knows the tension makes me nervous and I'd rather just get it over with. I want to drink right now myself but I know I can't.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Or am I crazy even being here with him? I'd love nothing more than to get out of here right now, but I'm afraid if I do, he'll go out and start drinking again.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 1, 2018 22:44:44 GMT
Hi, I am not sure if you are doing the right thing or not. I suspect he has the potential to hurt you physically. He is showing so many signs of being violent, he is creating that "cycle" you speak of.
What he needs is to change. And he has to do that on his own. You can't change for him, you can't change him, and you can't make him do anything. He is "really irritated"..he "pounds his fist" on the table. He has created that tension. I applaud you for setting the limits that you set. You may have to leave for a few days. You are saying all the right things..actions speak louder than words, you don't trust him. These are all part of abuse. The fact that you want to go..tells me your gut is telling you the truth. You also can't control what he does. If you decide to leave..that is your choice and if he were a good guy..he would understand. If you leave and he becomes more violent..then that says a whole lot also.
Another thought I have is who is working the hardest in this relationship? I suspect it is you, that you are not only carrying the financial burdens, but you are working harder to keep the relationship from becoming more abusive. I can see that you are "walking on eggshells"..another sign of abuse. There is that anxiety that wonders what mood he will be in when he gets home, and it make you want to be so good and so calm so not to upset him.
You don't have to live like this and you are not the problem in this relationship. I was like you in that I took care of everything in my marriage. I made way more money than my ex, I paid almost all the bills, I did all the housekeeping, I took care of our 2 kids (he helped on some occasions), I paid for all the food, activities, house repairs..you name it I put the money out for it. My ex took money out of my bank account because he believed that the money in it was "ours". Both our names were on the account so he believed he had a right to take it when he felt like it. HE PUT NO MONEY INTO THE ACCOUNT..none. He ran a loan we had up to $50,000, using it to gamble with and pay the bills he was responsible for. He saw nothing wrong with getting us into debt as he knew I would pay it to keep my credit in good standing. I didn't want to lose our house. I paid that loan down even though he just kept taking money off it. And the stories I could tell go on and on. The abuse..it was subtle. I didn't know it was abuse, he would tease me, he would undermine my authority with disciplining our kids, he was the "fun" parent. He claimed to love me..but he wouldn't tell me. I would ask him to say he loved me and he would say "I don't have to tell you anything just because you want to hear it". He could have cared less about my feelings or my hopes and dreams. I decided I had had enough and after 26 years of being together and being with someone who really only cared about himself, I left. AND he was pissed and probably still is. He is now "homeless"..he has to live with his sister (was only supposed to live with her for a few months, it has been 3 years. He abuses her I am sure. He plays a "victim" role incredibly well. He makes a little more than minimum wage and is struggling as I was his meal ticket. He manipulated me a lot, he was into pornography and basically did whatever he wanted. People feel sorry for him and he gets them to do stuff for him. As i look back now, I see signs that were there that I didn't want to acknowledge.
I don't think you are crazy at all. I think your gut is speaking to you. By listening to it and doing what is best for you means possibly not being with him and you love him. We talk ourselves into believing that "love" will conquer all and fix everything. You can't "love him enough" to change him. If he truly wants to be different..he needs to change on his own. He needs to get the help you speak of. I believe he is going to want you to tolerate his actions. That way he doesn't have to change. "If you just trust him...". NO. You shouldn't have to meet his "conditions" in order for him to change.
This is the part of the cycle with the remorse, then the honeymoon phase, then the tension builds and then the violence. It is never ending. He may be sweet and kind for a while, but sadly it won't last. This time, you didn't say what he wanted to hear. And please know, alcohol doesn't cause someone to be abusive, alcohol makes the abuse worse. If you stay..what do you think will happen? I suspect he will not change and get the help he needs. He will continue in the cycle and you will get hurt. Him being so supportive in the beginning? I fear that it was to hook you. Every abuser I have been with (that would be 3) all started out being charming, supportive, loving, dedicated, attentive..and they changed. My ex-husband was abusive and I didn't even realize it because I kept telling myself it was ok..he doesn't mean it, he will change, it will be better once we are married. It got worse..and when I left..I saw his true colors. I changed the status quo..and he didn't like it. He also believed I would never leave.
My gut is telling me..you are not in a good situation. There is a pattern here and it will get worse. It hasn't gotten better yet..what will it take for him to change? He has to want it bad enough, and I suspect he believes he doesn't have to change, he has "supported" you for so long with all you have done and I bet he suspects you should now do that for him.
I know this is hard..I know it isn't good and it isn't fair and it hurts like hell. I wish I had a good answer for you. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with. He isn't going to change..I hope he does..but I suspect he will not. I just hope you aren't hurt in the process. He may sound genuine, they all do. BUT he may also say whatever he believes you want to hear in order to let him continue to abuse you and control your lives. He doesn't want to lose you, so he will say and do whatever he has to in order to keep you hooked on him.
I urge you to call your local Domestic Violence Center or hotline. I would talk to them and tell them what is going on. They may have more insights and suggestions. The very fact that you are questioning all of this tells me, your inner voice is telling you what is really going on. Please stay safe.
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 2, 2018 20:22:43 GMT
Hi Karen, I'm taking your advice and going away for the weekend. I don't think he's taking it that well. I mean, he's acting like he's ok with it now, but when I told him he begged me not to go. He said he needs me with him now. He just made an appointment to see a counselor and he's going to stop drinking but he's afraid he can't do it on his own. I told him if he can't handle me being away for a weekend without drinking then he's not that serious about changing. He got quiet for a while, then he said I was right and to go and have a good time. But...he went right back to being quiet after that (this was last night) and he was quiet this morning. I'm going back home after work to get some things so we'll see how he is then.
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 3, 2018 16:08:33 GMT
Just a short update. I went home yesterday to pack for the weekend. He was sitting on his couch in the garage and he said "This is the first step, isn't it?" I asked what he meant. And he said, "To you leaving me." I told him I had no intentions of leaving him (as of now). And he said, "Okay, just go." and he sort of laughed and said, "You know I hate goodbyes."
It occurred to me later that this is the first weekend in over 3 years I've spent without him. We're always together unless I'm at work. He never wanted me to go away without him. He said he'd miss me too much. But truthfully, I was okay with it. I hated being away from him too in the beginning.
He called me 3 times last night until I told him I was shutting the phone off. I was trying to spend time with my cousins.
I haven't heard from him yet this morning. It's getting hard, not knowing whether he's out there getting drunk or high or whether he's okay. But I guess that's what he wanted. He just had to make sure he filled me with guilt to start off my weekend.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 4, 2018 13:02:31 GMT
Hi Anna..he still sounds manipulative to me. He wanted you to feel guilty and you leaving him? He should be worried..he is an adult and needs to act like one. Calling you 3 times is his insecurities showing and he may also be trying to keep tabs on you you. My current boyfriend was very insecure when he and I first started dating, I would go out with my girl friends and he had to text me in the middle to see how I was doing..he knew it would interrupt my evening and then he got really upset that I didn't respond right away. I told him he was acting abusive and to knock it off, and he has been much better since (he isn't abusive..believe me I check all the time).
I know this is hard. If he is getting drunk or high or whatever? He is responsible for his behavior and actions. If he is doing those things..you didn't MAKE him do any of them. He chooses his behaviors.
I am glad you took a break and got away for a bit. The guilt he put on you? Oh yes..I am not surprised, he doesn't want you to do anything or think of anyone that doesn't include him. That is a form of abuse. A decent guy would say "Go, I know you need some time and space away, enjoy. Check in when you can". Or something like that. I believe we should be able to have a life separate from our boyfriends. My guy now..he isn't a fan of separate vacations. I love going away with my girlfriends. Just enjoying that "sisterhood". I haven't gone away without him..but I am not going to give that up just because he is insecure. I need to be happy on my own..I learned that I can't rely on someone else to make me happy.
I hope you are relaxing a bit and enjoying some peace. If your guy goes to counselling and perhaps he should try AA, that is a step in the right direction. He has to be committed to him wanting to be a better person for HIM...not doing it for you. My guy goes to therapy twice a month and has for 3-4 years. He went to deal with his anxiety and his mother was/is abusive and is dealing with that. I am glad he goes. I have seen some changes in him that are good. He has some tendencies that I don't like, and I point them out and he makes changes. He wants to be a better person. The whole deal with changing is he has to CHANGE HIS THINKING PROCESS..he has to think differently. He has to learn and believe that hurting you for his own selfish reasons is NOT RIGHT. Just showing remorse is not enough.
If you can..read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is really a great resource for all ABUSE. It talks about change and how men try. The patterns of behavior that you see in your guy have been developing since he was 5 years old. He has learned that hurting you, using physical violence, using hurtful words, manipulating you by what he says or does...he has learned and believes that this is ALL OK! THAT IT IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. AND HE IS WRONG..changing those beliefs are going to be tough and he has to do it on his own.
Thinking of you Anna..hope you are ok.
Karen
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 4, 2018 23:17:18 GMT
Thanks Karen. I am okay. It was good to get away, and I had a good time with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I will check out the book you mentioned. Maybe it will help me make sense of what is going on. I'm still not sure what to think. I mean, I know what's happening isn't normal or right but I still have to believe there's hope for him to change. Mostly because it feels nothing like my college relationship. I thought I'd know what to look for after that but I'm still constantly questioning myself.
I talked to my fiance this morning. He told me he has an appointment with a therapist in a week from tomorrow. He said that's the soonest he could find. I told him he should look for more than one in case the first one isn't right for him and he agreed to do it. But when I mentioned AA and he said, "One thing at a time. Let me get settled with the counseling first". I feel like AA is more important to get started and if he needs to find another therapist he can do that while he's attending the meetings but he told me to let him do it his way. So I told him I better not find out he's been drinking in the mean time. He was very insistent that he's serious about making changes. I still don't trust him completely but I hope he's telling the truth.
I'm heading home in a few hours. I don't really feel ready but I have to work tomorrow. At least it will keep my mind off things during the day.
I wanted to ask you, what do you mean that my fiance's behavior has been developing since he was 5 years old? And if he is abusive, why were there no signs that I noticed, until after he lost his job? It's like he's a completely different person now.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 6, 2018 2:15:05 GMT
Hi Anna..what I mean (to answer your question)is that people who are abusive have been learning their whole lives how to get what they want. They have learned these behaviors, somewhere along your fiance's life he learned that it was ok to hit people to get what he wants, it was ok to treat women poorly, he learned that it is ok to be manipulative and make people feel guilty and he believes that hurting you is OK. Grabbing you, shaking you, physically hurting you. Somewhere along his lifetime, he learned and believed that treating people the way he does is OK. AND it is not OK.
If you check out the book, you may start to see what signs are there. Also, "Jerk Radar", another book written by Steve McCrea..he frequents this forum and has helped many here. It talks about behaviors that are signs and symptoms related to just that, Jerks. You may not have noticed because those "signs" looked so much better than what you had before. AND, depending on how you have been raised and experienced relationships, your "norm" may indeed not be healthy. I lived with my ex husband for 26 years..I was raised to accept what I was given and never give up. I settled with a guy who was never complimentary of me, he would put me down at times, and many other behaviors. I truly believed that I deserved to be treated that way and I also believed that I loved him so much, that it was just the normal parts of a relationship. We put up with a lot. It became my "norm". I accepted it. I told myself several times over several years that I was happy. I had 2 beautiful children, I had a nice home and I believed a guy who loved me. BUT that guy didn't care about my feelings, he put me down, he would refuse to do things like take care of our home, earn a living, he played the role of a "victim" very well. It turns out, after I read the book, the "Victim" role is a form of abuse. I didn't realize it. I was not happy in my marriage..I had many red flags early in our relationship, but I talked myself into saying "Oh, it's ok, I love him, that is just how he is". I just thought it was the normal stuff in a relationship. I learned after doing a lot of reading,,that it is not normal. It is not ok. I have been "put down" and "teased" alot by different men. I came to accept it, those who teased me, must really like me. Not really, it was hurtful, but I believed that it was ok. It is not. I didn't always like it and one of my relationships..it turned out it wasn't teasing, his put downs he meant them.
So, Abusers are Narcissistic. It is a type of personality disorder. The ONLY person in the relationship who matters is the Narcissist. AND anyone who doesn't agree with that..is wrong and deserves to be "put in their place". These behaviors and believes are embedded in their belief system. They really don't see a reason to change. Your fiance is going to counseling and that is great. My question to him would be "why?" "what do you see as the problem and why do you want to change it?" In that book, many men go to counseling "because my partner tells me to", or "because I will be a better person". To me, the right answer is "because I hurt my partner on purpose and that is wrong". or "because I control her and that is wrong". He may also believe that his drinking is the problem. He is partly right, but the drinking isn't causing him to behave that way. The drinking is only making it worse.
I don't blame you for not wanting to trust him. I wouldn't. He has hurt you before, been remorseful, and says he won't do it again and yet he does. Calling you a "bitch", abusers do this because it is a word they know women will cringe at . THEY KNOW IT WILL HURT and DAMAGE you and that is why they do it. THey do it on purpose. THAT IS WRONG..in my book. My ex called me an "f*&^ing bitch and cunt" when I told him I was leaving. He has never done that before. Why? Because I changed the status quo, I didn't accept his "norm" anymore. His true colors shined through. If he really loved me, then he would never call me that no matter how hurt or angry he was. As hurt as I was..I never called him names. I will admit I did when he called me those names and I mocked him..which only made his more mad. He threatened me with so many things. I was scared. BUT it was because he was abusive all along, and it escalated when I decided to end the marriage.
You have changed the status quo, you are not willing to allow him to be doing what he has been doing all along and that may be an explanation as to why he is "a completely different person now". It is a lot to take in and come to grips with. I was stunned when I read the book and it described my ex-husband as if the author knew him. It was really hard. AND my ex boyfriend was also in there and his behaviors. Some of it was verbatim...word for word. It shocked me.
I know it is difficult to grasp. The books may help you to gain some insight. I have read them a few times. I still struggle to believe it at times, but I went to counselling as well to try and figure out why I was attracted to such men and why my behaviors were the way they were (like accepting that kind of treatment). I am a different person than I was 4 years ago. Wiser, smarter, I love myself more, and I have limits of what I am willing and not willing to accept. I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like..I am working really hard at listening to my gut as well. I have learned to trust it.
I am glad you got a break. I hope things are better. All three of the relationships I have been in since I was in college..have been abusive ones and all three guys were different in their behaviors and "type" of abuse. They all were in the book by Lundy Bancroft and all had varied degrees of severity. The ex-boyfriend (guy I went to when I left my husband) was like jumping from a frying pan into a very hot oven..much worse. I was traumatized by him. My college "sweetheart"..he got physical with me once and I was very scared. I remember looking up the cycle of violence and was shocked that it was happening to me. I was a Social Work student and I was learning about DV. I didn't believe it though..how could it be?
So, they are all different, but also very much a like. Maybe going to counselling yourself would help you to figure out more what is going on?
Hope your day back is going ok Karen
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 7, 2018 6:35:19 GMT
Hi Karen,
I wish things were going better. I'm a mess. Everything was great Sunday night. He seemed more upbeat than he usually is and he said he was determined to get things back to the way they were. Yesterday, something seemed off about him. He was sort of out of it. He said he was just very tired because he hasn't been sleeping well. He promised me he wasn't drinking or smoking pot and I couldn't smell it on him or in the garage so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Went to work this morning and forgot my key card. So at lunch I went home to get it and there he was, in the garage, working on his third or fourth beer. I saw red and I exploded and yelled at him to get out. He backed me into a corner (literally). I pushed him a couple of times just to try to get him to stop but it didn't work. He put his arms on either side of me so I had no where to go. I've never once felt afraid of him before, until he did that. I really thought he was going to hit me or throw me down or something. Thankfully he didn't; he just said, "Can't you understand how hard this is for me?" I told him no, because I don't have a drinking problem, or an anger problem, he does, and he's been telling me all this time how serious he is about getting help and here he is getting drunk behind my back. I told him I wanted him to leave and I'd call the police if I had to. He started to walk away but not before putting his fist through a plate-glass window. He was bleeding everywhere. Wrapped a rag around his hand and told me I had to drive him to the hospital. I told him there was no way I was getting in the car with him, and I called his brother who lives down the street to come and get him. I told him if he comes back tonight, I'd phone the cops. I left the house and he hasn't called but I'm completely freaked out. I couldn't stop shaking for an hour. I called the police right after his brother left with him, to find out how to keep him out of the house if he does come back and they said since both our names are on the lease and I wasn't physically harmed, they can't force him to leave. They can talk to him and try to convince him to leave but they can't make him. They told me I should just get some things together and go somewhere else for the night. If I want him out and he won't go or stay out then I'll have to get a court order. Nice, right?
So anyway, I'm at my mom's and I've told her my fiance is out of town and the furnace has gone out at my house. I feel guilty lying to her but I don't have the energy to get into it with her tonight. I'm sure eventually I'll have to tell her but that's for another day. So that's it. I'm going to call the DV hotline tomorrow and see if they have any other advice for me. I'm feeling very lost at the moment--where do I go from here? I still want to believe there's hope for him but I can't be in the same house with someone I can't feel safe with. God, this hurts so much.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 8, 2018 2:28:03 GMT
Hi Anna, Wow..not good. I too wish things were getting better. I feel for you that things are worse. Sadly, this is the cycle. I am sure he seemed upbeat because he wanted to make things "good" again with you so you will stay under his manipulation and control. The fist through the window is a sign of violence and it will get worse. There is a VERY GOOD chance he will hit you. He is blaming you for 'not understanding". Like "why can't you just understand, then it will be ok for me to do what I am doing". This isn't how it works.
Anna, the fact that you are freaking out tells me this relationship is so unhealthy and it is not going to change. All he has done to you in this one situation alone is Domestic Violence and it will not change. I promise you..it has not changed for the better and it will get worse. It Will GET WORSE. He will hurt you.
How many more chances are you willing to give? How many more opportunities are you willing to give him to hurt you or kill you? I know this hurts, it is the worst kind of hurt and trauma we will ever experience.
I am glad you are safe and I completely understand you not wanting to tell your family. There will be time to talk later. Be prepared for people not to understand or somehow to blame you. It is called "secondary abuse".
Calling the DV center is a great idea. They can give you immediate feedback and guidance and support.
Sadly, the police are right. It isn't against the law to emotionally harm someone. And since both your names are on the lease or deed, he doesn't have to leave. I left my ex-husband after I begged him to leave. I had to leave my 2 precious kids with him because he refused to leave the house we both owned together. It about killed me inside, but I knew that I had to leave. I went back there everyday to take care of my kids, but in my US State, you have to be separated for at least a year before you can file for divorce. I desperately needed that year to happen as quickly as possible and I could not stay in the same house with him any longer. I made the mistake if meeting another abusive man online and moved into his very empty house. I didn't want to stay with my family, but I could not afford to pay the mortgage (he wouldn't pay it) and support my kids and pay rent somewhere. I needed the house to stay in good standing so I could sell it. I can tell you my story has a pretty good ending.
You don't have to live like this Anna. You can't fix him, you can't "love" him into changing. He has to do this himself and he is not serious about doing it. And yes..it hurts like heck. It is the worst kind of betrayal and hurt and pain and heartache. But, I promise you, there can be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel you find yourself in.
Take a breath. Give yourself some space, stay with your Mom for a while or a trusted friend if you can. Gather things from your home that you value, because there is a very good chance he will break things that have meaning to you when he starts to realize you may not come back for a while. (my attorney gave me this advice). Give yourself time to breath and figure out what you want to do next. I know you want to believe there is hope for him, but Anna, you can't change him. You cannot change him. AND..listen to your gut..it is telling you this guy is not good for you right now. He will hurt you and it will get worse, it already has.
Thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. If you can, perhaps minimize your contact with him. He is going to try very hard to make everything look wonderful and that you should come back. He is going to promise you everything and anything, he will tell you all that you want to hear, he will swear he will never touch alcohol again. Please, listen to your gut. This is the next part of the cycle, it is the promises, the kind words, the flowers he might send, it is one day of trying to change, HE WILL NOT stop hurting you.
I will keep checking in and be here to help.
Karen
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 9, 2018 5:17:10 GMT
Hi Karen,
I don't know what to do. The counselor at the hotline told me I should do no contact at all with him and start the process for the court order to keep him out of the house, which I'm starting tomorrow. But he's been calling me non-stop since yesterday morning. First my cell, which I didn't answer, and eventually blocked his number. So he started calling from different phones so I didn't know it was him. He would say he just wants to talk to me, that's all. He said he hasn't had a drink since the other night (just like you said he would) and that he'll away if that's what I want but he needs to talk to me. I told him not now and to stop calling. Finally I shut off my cell phone completely, so he started calling my mom's number. And today, he moved on to calling my work! And I should add, I don't work at a desk so it's not my personal work number. It's the main number. So it has to go through the receptionist every time. He called six times today. I was so humiliated that I finally agreed to meet him and talk, if he'd just stop calling me at work. And it worked. But now I'm supposed to meet him tomorrow afternoon. And I'm sure if I don't show up he'll start up again. I'm going to have to tell my work now what's been going on. Maybe I can get the receptionist to just take messages for me or just tell him I'm not there. But then what if he shows up?
Also I know he's back at the house. I went by yesterday after work to get some things and the lights were on and his car was there. I just kept driving, I didn't stop. I'm not sure what to do. No one knows what's going on, so it's going to sound strange if I ask someone to come with me to get my stuff. I'm just so embarrassed that it's come to this. And I have this fear that if people know, even people who don't know about my college relationship, they're going to think I'm stupid for letting this happen again. Or they'll think I'm a horrible person for leaving him when he needs me so much.
I'm scared. And I miss him. Even though he's spent the last 2 days harassing me with phone calls, even though I'm afraid to go back to the house alone, I miss him. And yes I know how crazy that sounds. I haven't slept much the last couple of days and my muscles are aching so bad, kind of like how it feels when you're getting the flu? I just want to crawl into a hole right now.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 9, 2018 22:50:10 GMT
Hi Anna, what he is doing is very predictable. The constant harassing..it is his way of trying to break you down and bother you to the point where you will do what he wants and give into his demands..which is to talk to him. He says he will stay away if that is what you want? No he won't, he hasn't done anything you have asked him..like stop calling you. He isn't giving you any space, he is constantly trying to get back into your life. That is NOT the behavior of someone who respects you or honors your wants and needs.
He needs you? Sure, he needs someone to control, to manipulate to bother to the point where you will "allow" him to drink.
I know you miss him and want to see him and you still love him. Only you can decide what you want to do. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't meet him. He is going to do everything he can to try and get you back and if you resist? Or even begin to act like you are not coming back for a while? I promise you, he will not back down, and he may get physical. He wants you to do what he wants and that is "just talk". It isn't going to be just talking. He will try every dirty trick he can to get you to come back. I would not be surprised if he drinks before he meets you.
The counselors are right in what they said to you. He is abusive and he will hurt you and the only way for you to start to heal and get your thoughts together is to not have contact with him. I know it hurts, that is because ..and this will sound crazy..you are addicted to him. It is like being addicted to drugs. You know they are bad for you, you know they will hurt you, yet you still love them. It is an addiction and it is from years of abuse and him doing everything he can to keep you "hooked" on him. You are not agreeing with him and not letting him hook you and he doesn't like it and that is why the abuse is worse.
You are not a horrible person by any means and I know this is embarassing and you are scared. There is a good chance that whoever you tell, they will understand. 1 in 3 women are abused or affected by domestic violence. I would not be surprised if you know people who have been in a similar situation I have 5 friends from high school..3 of us have been abused (6 of us total). It is way too common. You can call the police and they will escort you to your home if you feel you need protection. It will also send a message to your fiance that you are serious about things changing. The key here is "STAY SAFE"..many women get beat up or killed when they try and leave.
He doesn't need to talk to you. What could he possibly have to say that you haven't heard already? He wants the opportunity to hurt you and control you. Please, re-consider going to meet him.
You are not stupid. Not at all. You are brave, smart, courageous and you don't deserve to be treated this way. It is going to hurt, this is not easy. You love him, and I am sure that there are moments where you are very much in love with him. BUT..if someone loves you, they don't shove you and throw you around and call you horrible names. That isn't love, it is abuse.
It is not crazy to miss him. It is very understandable and normal to feel the way you are feeling. These feelings you are having is why so many women go back only to be abused worse. It takes a lot of strength to resist being with him. I know, I have been there.
Please keep posting here. Take time for you, sleep and find a friend or family member who you can talk to. It will be ok. There are so many women out there who have been in your shoes. It is not easy..just take one day at a time.
I will keep checking in and post to you! Hugs to you Anna, it will be ok.
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 10, 2018 18:18:47 GMT
Hi Karen, I had to go to the hospital last night. I messed up really bad. Everything you warned me about happened. Everything. I didn't go to meet him after work. But I called him to tell him I couldn't. I had called the hotline again and they recommended that I get a temporary restraining order. They said I didn't have to physically assault me for me to get one, the phone harassment should be enough for at least a temporary one. So that's why I called him. I told him I just wasn't ready to see him and to give me a few days. I wasn't planning on going then but I hoped I could hold him off until I could decide what to do or to get the papers filed if I decided to do the restraining order. He tried to change my mind but I stuck to my guns, until he turned up on my mom's front porch. My mom wasn't back from work yet. Karen, he sucked me right back in, he convinced me that he only wanted 10 minutes and then he would leave. I let him in. He tried everything to get me to leave with him. He even got me to laugh a couple of times. He could always make me laugh. He made me laugh every single day, usually many times a day. It was one of the reasons I fell for him, and one of things I loved about him. Before all of this madness started, before he lost his job, if we were having an argument, and back then they were all pretty mild, he knew he could diffuse it by making me laugh. And he made me laugh last night. I don't think I've laughed with him in weeks. It was nice. And it almost worked. I was so close to going back. But then he leaned in to try to kiss me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He'd tried to cover it up with mouthwash, that's why I couldn't smell it at first. I pushed him away and yelled at him to leave and he begged me, cried at me, to reconsider. I told him I couldn't believe I was about to give him another chance. I told him if he'd shown up sober, I'd probably be leaving with him but he couldn't even do that. He was backing away like he was going to go, but then he said he knew I didn't want it to be over, after all, I was still wearing my ring, wasn't I? So I took it off and threw it at him. Hit him right in the middle of the forehead. It wasn't deliberate, that's just where it landed. I've never seen a look on his face like that. Like he was looking right through me. I knew I was in trouble but I froze. He lunged at me, grabbed me by my arms tightly, like he was deciding what to do or to say. I told him he was hurting me but he wouldn't let go. I used some choice words and spit at him. I know I shouldn't have but I was filled with so much rage, at him, and at myself, and I did it before I could think. He hit me across the face...he swore to me when I told him what happened in college that he would never, EVER hit me...and then he grabbed me again and threw me against the wall. I hit my head hard. I think I blacked out, but it must have been for only a few seconds because when I came to, I heard him screeching away in his car.
I had a CAT scan at the hospital and they said I have a mild concussion but everything looks okay, I just have a very bad headache, and I'm out of work for the next week. I have a follow-up next Friday and they'll probably release me then to go back (to work). My EX-fiance has been arrested (and they are holding him until Monday--I did not expect that!) And needless to say, I have my restraining order now. Better late than never, right? The social worker at the hospital said I will be assigned a court advocate and they will get a hearing set up to get the restraining order extended. I'll find out more after the weekend.
I know I should be sleeping, that's what the doctor at the hospital told me. She said the medication should knock me out, which it did last night after I got back to my mom's, but only for about 4 hours, and it's not working at all this morning. It's just making me feel like a zombie. When I close my eyes, I see his face and if I get past that, something else startles me awake. My mom is on the phone with the hospital right now to see if they can get me something else. Obviously she knows now. And everyone at my work is going to know now. This is not the way I pictured this all playing out. It was wishful thinking; I know, but somehow I thought I could convince him to part ways peacefully and none of this would have happened. I keep replaying it over and over in my head. Why did I have to throw my ring at him? Why did I spit at him? I mean, what was I thinking?
Funny thing is, people see him as the calm one, and me as the fiery one. A few years ago, he did something that pissed me off--nothing major really--and one of his friends joked, "I'd sleep with one eye open for a while, buddy." They said I inherited my dad's temper and I'll admit that. He could go from 0 to terrifying in a second if he sensed or saw an injustice. But he never put us down, never hit me or my brothers. Never. When my oldest brother was 14, my dad did put him against a wall once, when he found out my brother was pushing a younger kid around, and that put a stop to it. But that was the only time I saw him do anything even remotely violent. My parents divorced when I was 4, but we were with him on the weekends, and I was a daddy's girl all the way. He was my hero. My mom on the other hand, was always calm, always in control. And she could whip our butts so fast we didn't know what was happening until it was over. And with whatever object was closest to her. I should say, I've forgiven my mom. We've been to family counseling together. 5 years of it. We were estranged for a long time. I only agreed to try to work things out in the beginning because my dad passed away and I couldn't stand the thought of not having any parents. But I'm 100% glad I did it. We still have work to do but it's getting better. Though I admit I'm waiting to see if we can get through this without her telling me what I could have done, should have done or what she would have done. I already told her to please not say anything stupid or to make this harder than it is. She promised she wouldn't but we'll see.
That's it. I'm going to attempt to get some sleep again but I wanted to let you know I'm ok. I f-d up really bad but I'm ok.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 10, 2018 20:03:37 GMT
Hi Anna, I am so so so sorry this happened! OMG!
First thought...YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! ok..I had to use capital letters because I want to help you realize that your ex fiance CHOSE...HE CHOSE to come there when you asked him not to, HE CHOSE to drink before hand, HE CHOSE to to get physical with you..HE CHOSE. You throwing his ring at him, yes, probably wasn't a good thing, but you didn't cause him to do all that he did. I know that feeling of rage. While violence is not good by any means, spitting on him..again not good, but not life threatening. He could have killed you.
I am so glad you are ok. AND I know it stinks that everyone will know. I know this is not what you wanted to have happen, but sadly, they never peacefully let us go. NEVER. AND..please don't think that being in jail is enough to cause him to back down. I am glad you have the restraining order, but it doesn't do any good unless you call the police every time you think he is nearby or bothering you. Nothing will stop him if he is determined to keep trying.
You did a lot of things right, Anna. You called the hotline, you told him no, you said give me time and space. ALL good things. Sadly, they don't listen. He showed up.
At some point, please don't blame yourself. Abusers are very skillful, very skillful at manipulating and getting what they want. He made you laugh, you love him and he knew exactly what to do in order to get into your good graces. They are very convincing. I went back to my ex-boyfriend once. He took me out to breakfast, he acted all nervous and shy and by the end of the "date" he was making promises to marry me. The abused returned a few days later. I blamed myself for going back. As soon as I resisted him he started abusing me all over again. It confused the heck out of me, how do you go from saying you love me and want to marry me and 2 days later you are calling me names and being nasty? Because I questioned him, I didn't believe him and I was suspicious of his motives.
I am glad you are with your Mom and getting some rest. Please take care of yourself, concussions can have delayed symptoms and issues. Eat well, sleep well and if you can...please have no contact with this guy. NONE. This is hard, it can be very hard going forward. Resisting their tactics is very hard. I promise you Anna, if you go back (and there is a very good chance you will be tempted to go)..he will hurt you worse again. Every moment of contact you have with him..every second..is an opportunity that he wants in order to control you and manipulate you. EVERY SECOND..if you can, please don't give him that opportunity.
And when you are rested, please invest in something to protect yourself. Pepper Spray or Mace Spray. Telling yourself you can get into a physical battle with him and win is a huge mistake.
I am thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better soon, I know this hard, but please, take care of you. One hour at a time going forward, just take one hour at a time.
We are here, no judging , no "I told you so"..none of that. Just support.
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 12, 2018 0:26:03 GMT
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your kind response again. It's hard to not blame myself for what I should or shouldn't have done, or for not seeing the signs. But I'm trying. I'm still in shock about everything that's happened in the past not-even 2 weeks. From zero to ending up in the hospital, just like that. I know what you said, and the hotline counselors said the same thing, that it's because I finally said I've had enough and I didn't back down, and I'd never done that before, and he knew he was losing control. Before I always ended up feeling sorry for him and letting things go, or giving in. I thought I was being understanding and compassionate. I didn't know I was enabling him. And see, now that I type that, I'm thinking that if I'd made him get help earlier, things wouldn't have gotten so bad. Even though I know that's probably wrong. My head feels so messed up.
I'm starting to have real anxiety about tomorrow. His bail hearing is scheduled for 9 am so he'll be out by the end of the day. I'm scared he's going to come back. I slept last night but I woke up early from a nightmare that he did show back up. Later this afternoon I fell asleep for a little while and things kept coming up that I didn't remember before. Like after I hit the wall, he was kneeling over me, saying my name over and over. I don't know if it was real or not. It's actually all pretty foggy now. It was definitely clearer yesterday. Even when I went back and read back over my last post, I don't remember it all. I know it happened but, I don't know. It's very frustrating. I want to remember. I want to remember everything because I don't want to give him any more chances, ever again. When the hotline counselor told me that most women go back 3, 4, 5 times before they leave for good, that scared me. Right now it's all fresh. The bruises and the pain and the fear remind me every second. I tried to take a shower this morning and but it only lasted a couple of minutes because my head started pounding and I was getting dizzy. After I got out and dried off, before I put my clothes on, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't stop crying. See, it's all very very real right now and it's easy to think I won't be one of those women. But what happens when it all fades away? I'm afraid I'll start to miss him again and forget how bad it really got.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 12, 2018 22:35:25 GMT
Hi Anna, You are so right, it is very hard not to blame ourselves. We have been blaming ourselves for everything that goes "wrong" in the relationships for years. Somehow, we as women, learn that we are responsible for everything and we are not. All you can do is try, that is half the battle right there.
But, please don't focus on what you could have or should have or would have done different. At this point, focus on going forward. You can't change what happened yesterday. BUT..you now have a TON of knowledge about what to do going forward. For the record..you are compassionate and understanding and forgiving..all very good traits to have. The problem is HIM. HIM. HIM. He has NONE of those traits and does not CARE about any of that. All he cares about is himself. ABUSERS care about one thing..THEMSELVES. YOU did not ENABLE HIM..this is HIS FAULT..not yours. ABUSER CHOOSE to act the way they do because they truly BELIEVE it is the right way to treat a woman. AND YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING..Anna, nothing is going to change until you begin to let it sink in that HE DID THIS TO YOU and HE HAS BEEN ABUSING YOU ALL ALONG. It has gotten worse. I know that is very hard to believe..but it is true. I am sure your head feels messed up..this is all very confusing and frightening.
The symptoms you are having are a few things..the concussion and PTSD..Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, it is all part of what has happened.
I promise you..it won't fade away for years to come. I can still hear my exes abusing me even 4 years later. Word for Word...I remember it like it was yesterday. It takes time to heal and giving yourself that time is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I am not sure of the time, but I hope you don't go or didn't go to the hearing alone. Staying safe is what is best for now. You will start to miss him, and there are some days where it will be very intense. Missing him and wanting him and feeling sorry for him, all very real and very hard to stop those feelings. Let the feelings come and let them go. Don't act on them if you can.
Put a Post-It note on your mirror. "I DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO HIT ME"...put another one that says "NEXT TIME, HE COULD KILL ME"...and another that says "I DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED". These reminders may help you. Also.."NO CONTACT".. absolutely none. Healing is what is needed and him begging and acting remorseful with empty promises, is not going to help you.
I would be surprised if you forget how bad it got. We don't forget. We talk ourselves into thinking we can make it better by loving him into being a better person, that "if I just love him enough". ALL the love in the world is not going to change him.
We are here Anna, let us know how you are doing if the hearing was today.
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Post by xmas13 on Mar 12, 2018 23:16:31 GMT
Thinking of you Anna. Karen is a zillion % right but it’s hard been there 100 of times and my experience and wisdom now !! I wish I had never believed I could love him into a good and kind person, you can’t, I cant and won’t because they gain too much power. I lost so so much, my daughter, my grandson and grandaughter, a business, friends and my reputation and self respect, you will never ever change who he is, but by god he will change who you are for the rest of your life.... I know this to be true Anna. I still suffer from crippling anxiety, some days I handle it better than others but I’m getting there. I have my family back I’m slowly building friendships and my business is thriving but oh my god every day it’s hard, so hard, but as I type this I’m realising just how far I have come and you will too, I promise you will but you need support, family friends and a therapist because that mind twisting is so difficult to sort out in your head, he deliberately orchestrated this to be so, CONTROL. I’m sending you a hug as we all will and I’m sending you strength to get through. Be safe x
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Post by Anna-Lee on Mar 13, 2018 0:24:06 GMT
Hi Karen and Xmas,
The hearing was today. I didn't go alone. My mom and my advocate were there with me. But I didn't make it into the courtroom. They opened the door and he was already there. He turned his head and we made eye contact. His eyes were cold. So cold. I couldn't do it. I froze. My legs buckled and I went down. So I ended up sitting in another room for the hearing. Not the way I imagined things going but maybe my body knew better that I did. He's not out yet. His bail was set at $25,000 and I guess he hasn't been able to come up with the 10%. I've closed my bank account that he had access to. The judge forbade him from returning to the house and ordered him to repay me for the cost of the broken window as well as anything else he may have damaged after I left. Not that I expect to see a dime. I am not going to move back though. I'm going to talk to the landlord and see about getting out of the lease. I don't think I could live there again and it wouldn't feel safe anyway. What I can't get over is that he's only being charged with a misdemeanor. A misdemeanor. Because it's his first offense. The 3rd one is a mandatory felony. So he "only" has to assault me 2 more times before he'd face prison time. It makes no sense.
Anyway, Thank you for being so kind I mean that . I understand what you're saying and I'm trying so hard, I swear, to tell myself that it wasn't me who caused any of this, that it was all him. But I don't know how to let it sink in. There's this voice in my head that keeps saying, "But if only..." And I'm telling it to shut up...literally, out loud today. But it won't.
I can't understand why I keep ending up with guys like him. First in college when I was 20-21. And 18 months after that, I got into a relationship with someone else, and I didn't think of him as abusive--now looking back I can see that he had the potential to be--but he was very charming and as it turned out very self-centered. Everything was great for that first year. But he was in the military and when he found out he was being moved, he tried to get me to quit college and get married so I could go with him. He knew I was focused on finishing--this was my senior year!--and that I was not ready to get married but he really put the pressure on me. And when I told him I'd visit and maybe after I graduated, I'd think about moving closer. I really did love him. But it wasn't enough for him. He said he wouldn't be able to stand it. He couldn't wait. And he walked away. I didn't hear from him again until right before the move and he called to tell me it was my last chance. It broke my heart but I said no. After that I swore off men for several years, until I met my fiance. And we know how that turned out. So, how do I not feel like something is wrong with me? Other people have normal relationships, why can't I? How do you get past thinking that way?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 13, 2018 1:19:11 GMT
Hey Anna, so glad you had support at the hearing and I am really glad he isn't out yet. KUDOS to you for closing the bank account. I found out later in my marriage that my now ex-husband was taking money from me for years. Just a little here and there, but $30 4-5 times a week adds up. You were incredibly smart to do that!
I am so sorry that you had to sit in another room, that must of felt horrible to have your body buckle like that. I think you are on to something that your body knows it's limits. I know how my body responds when I am near my ex-husband, it is a terrible feeling I get all over. I have learned over much time to listen to that feeling. I am so so so happy that that judge put all those conditions on him. I know it will be hard if you cross his path again, but you have to call the police if he comes anywhere near you. That "cold" feeling you saw in his eyes, that is your body responding to danger. It is your "inner voice" saying "RUN"..he is dangerous. I think you are making very good choices about not moving back to your house. Also, just because the judge says he can't go there, doesn't mean he won't. He may think you won't call the police and think you are bluffing.
A misdemeanor? I know, I am baffled too. BUT..one very good thing is a "record" has been started, meaning if he keeps messing up, he will eventually be in jail. And I know,,it is an awful thought that he only has to hurt you 2 more times. Sadly, if he leaves you alone, it is about 100% certain he will find another woman/girl to control and abuse. It won't take long. My ex boyfriend met his now wife 4 weeks after he kicked me out of his house. 4 weeks. AND they were engaged 6 months later. They move on quickly, and it isn't easy to get used to.
I asked myself too "why do I keep ending up with jerks?" I have had 3 abusive relationships in the past 30 years. My college sweetheart was the first, then my now ex-husband and the online boyfriend I met while I was leaving my ex-husband. Each time, I was vulnerable and gullible and looking to be loved. When the online boyfriend abused me several times over 9 months, I went to my local DV Center and joined a support group. For me, a support group it didn't work. I was very different (in my mind) to the other women in the group and I also was and still am in a profession where I could have led the group. I needed 1;1 counselling and I found the best counselor. I worked with her for over a year, then took about 9 months off from counselling, then went back after I lost my job (I had PTSD and was being abused at work). She helped me to learn about the kind of men I was "attracted to" and why I kept falling for the same kind of guy. What was weird is that all of the 3 guys had stuff in common..really weird stuff. They are perfect strangers and come from 3 different walks of life..but they all had the same kind of issues. Plus, I put a lot of time and energy into figuring out why I was the way I was in a relationship. Like, what kind of issues did I bring to the relationship that made me respond the way I did.
For example, I was raised with a much higher standard than my siblings. I never met those standards that my parents set for me. I was "never good enough and all that I did never was good enough". And I learned over my lifetime to keep "striving" to be enough for someone. I settled with men who always made me feel like I was never good enough. NEVER. No matter what I did or how perfect I tried to be, it was never enough. I was with 3 men who never made me feel like I was good enough. So,, I decided something had to be different. Through counselling, I began to explore many of my patterns and thoughts and behaviors and what they all meant.
So, I didn't think I was being abused either. And in reality, I was by all 3. The college boyfriend pinned me up against a wall one time and grabbed me by the face after I teased him and he chased me into my room and pushed the door up against the wall with me in between. I thought he was being playful until I realized he wasn't playing. I remember learning later about the cycle of violence. He scared me, but I loved him so much, that I blamed myself for agitating him to the point of him being rough with me. I know now that it really was abuse. And it continued over time. I finally broke up with him after 3 years of him never making me feel like I was good enough for him. He told me several times in different ways, that I wasn't good enough. I loved all 3 of these men, committed to them will all of my heart and being. I never cheated or even looked at another. I was the type of woman who was devoted and loyal and did whatever I had to do in order to make my relationship a success.
It takes a lot for us to learn how to not feel like something is wrong with us. I don't know if we ever get rid of that feeling. For me, I have learned to identify when I am feeling that way, I know why I feel that way and I know how to change that thought process. I also know how to figure out what is my issue and what is someone else's issue. I don't take on everyone else's issues anymore. I practice this all the time. It is undoing a habit that I started to form probably as a child.
Also, one thing I learned is other people work really hard at making their relationships look "normal" or "happy" or "great". No relationship is perfect. Abusers..they are really good at making us fall for the "fairy tale" type of relationship. I am not trying to be negative, but relationships are work. They are not perfect and require effort. I believe they are worth it, but relationships take a lot of commitment. I have changed my whole view on relationships. I have learned to love myself and respect myself and set limits. I don't believe anymore that "fairy tale" type of relationship exists. I know my view is different because of all the hurt I have experienced by men. I have trust issues right now. I work every day to try and heal that. That is how we get past how we think, we heal. We learn, we find a new way to see ourselves, we face the pain we have experienced and we work through it. Counselling, it helps tremendously. We find what works for us and we muster up the courage to deal with it all.
I was also very determined to heal. I love "life". I have a faith in God and I believe I had a purpose for being on this earth and I came to believe that it wasn't to be emotionally beat up by someone who supposedly "loved" me. Through my career choices, I learned to value life. I have worked in Hospice and the healthcare field for 30 years. I know life can change in a heartbeat. I wanted to enjoy life. I was incredibly determined to make my life better. I have 2 wonderful daughters. I was also very determined to take care of them and give them the best life I could without their Dad in my life. I had to heal, I was determined to be a "survivor" and not a victim. I read about forgiveness, I read about healing myself, I took up yoga, I learned to meditate, I took a cooking class and a therapeutic writing class. I found out who I am and why I am. So, that is me.
You have to decide what you want to do. How do you want to live your life? What is important to you? Who are you?
Only Anna can decide who she wants to be. And how she wants to live her life. Those are big questions for now. So, for the moment, maybe just focus on healing your head, and resting. Drink a lot of water, eat well, get enough sleep and focus on you. Be safe. Rely on your local DV center to help you through this crisis you are in right now. Take one day at a time. There were days I had to take one hour at a time.
Hugs to you Anna, I think you are doing great! Just tackle one thing at a time. For now, that just may mean finding a way to stay safe.
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