Post by polarone on Jan 7, 2018 12:23:02 GMT
Hi
I'm back again and feel like I'm losing my mind
I was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years with a woman who repeatedly attacked me physically and verbally. Even after she tried to kill me, I kept going back and blaming myself. I have been in therapy since August and have maintained no contact with my abuser since then. Despite coming back here with doubts, questions, I think and feel like I've been doing okay, with the odd wobble here and there.
Over the new year period I went out with a friend. We had not seen each other for over a year. We had a few drinks, nothing more than usual, and basically the next morning I have woken up in the house she shares with her boyfriend, not knowing how I've got there. At first I just think, I've had a few drinks and not remembered, but then within minutes I'm having the worst panic attack ever, with flashbacks of someone, a woman, or a man, the person has no face, holding me up against a wall by my face the way my ex did and I convince myself that I've been sexually assaulted. I remember kissing someone. I remember feeling afraid. Or so I think. Despite my friend also not remembering everything in detail from the night she's telling me that it was just a normal night, we spoke to a couple of people for a few minutes, I never kissed anyone, we were always together, and we just got a cab home, we went to sleep, I'm convinced I've been spiked with a drug and attacked. I even take myself off to the hospital and a crisis centre where I get emergency contraception fitted (baring in mind, I haven't slept with a man in 8 years, I have only slept with and even kissed my ex in the time between then and now!) and report my feelings to the police. My friend thinks I am crazy and tells me so. Over the next few days I also think I'm going crazy. My friend would've surely known if I was attacked, we were together all evening. I'm convinced I'm sore. I'm convinced I smell like sex. I'm convinced the flashbacks and panic attack I get is real.
I drop the case with the police, feeling like a fool, as I think back to last new year eve's when my ex threw me around the kitchen by my hair and then sexually assaulted me by grabbing my pubic hair. She attacked me with a knife and I threw up. I now convince myself that I've just imagined it. But the next morning I then wake up with a lump down below. Off to the STI clinic again in tears, where I explain all of this to the doctor there and she assures me that the lump is just a common, normal cyst women get and not related to any kind of attack or sex.
I feel so messed up by all of this. That it's too much of a coincidence to get a lump there. Could I have actually been attacked? That I was with my friend all evening, of course I wasn't attacked. I haven't been able to leave the house since this happened and feel back at square one. I've been doing therapy, antidepressants, all kinds of things, and I don't know when this will end.
I've had the emergency contraception fitted, because of some sort of flashback I had. I got the police involved and everyone thinks I am crazy. I have only told two friends about what happened to me with my ex. I've had to lie to protect my ex, I can't even tell my MS nurses why I'm so terrified to come into our MS clinic because my ex also has MS and she has always threatened to hurt herself or my daughter if anyone ever found out what she did.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have to go back to the STI clinic next week for tests. I am terrified I am pregnant . Terrified I have caught some horrible disease. All because I woke up one morning and felt like something awful had happened. I can't cope with the anxiety and I don't know where to turn or what to do.
I'm back again and feel like I'm losing my mind
I was in a lesbian relationship for 4 years with a woman who repeatedly attacked me physically and verbally. Even after she tried to kill me, I kept going back and blaming myself. I have been in therapy since August and have maintained no contact with my abuser since then. Despite coming back here with doubts, questions, I think and feel like I've been doing okay, with the odd wobble here and there.
Over the new year period I went out with a friend. We had not seen each other for over a year. We had a few drinks, nothing more than usual, and basically the next morning I have woken up in the house she shares with her boyfriend, not knowing how I've got there. At first I just think, I've had a few drinks and not remembered, but then within minutes I'm having the worst panic attack ever, with flashbacks of someone, a woman, or a man, the person has no face, holding me up against a wall by my face the way my ex did and I convince myself that I've been sexually assaulted. I remember kissing someone. I remember feeling afraid. Or so I think. Despite my friend also not remembering everything in detail from the night she's telling me that it was just a normal night, we spoke to a couple of people for a few minutes, I never kissed anyone, we were always together, and we just got a cab home, we went to sleep, I'm convinced I've been spiked with a drug and attacked. I even take myself off to the hospital and a crisis centre where I get emergency contraception fitted (baring in mind, I haven't slept with a man in 8 years, I have only slept with and even kissed my ex in the time between then and now!) and report my feelings to the police. My friend thinks I am crazy and tells me so. Over the next few days I also think I'm going crazy. My friend would've surely known if I was attacked, we were together all evening. I'm convinced I'm sore. I'm convinced I smell like sex. I'm convinced the flashbacks and panic attack I get is real.
I drop the case with the police, feeling like a fool, as I think back to last new year eve's when my ex threw me around the kitchen by my hair and then sexually assaulted me by grabbing my pubic hair. She attacked me with a knife and I threw up. I now convince myself that I've just imagined it. But the next morning I then wake up with a lump down below. Off to the STI clinic again in tears, where I explain all of this to the doctor there and she assures me that the lump is just a common, normal cyst women get and not related to any kind of attack or sex.
I feel so messed up by all of this. That it's too much of a coincidence to get a lump there. Could I have actually been attacked? That I was with my friend all evening, of course I wasn't attacked. I haven't been able to leave the house since this happened and feel back at square one. I've been doing therapy, antidepressants, all kinds of things, and I don't know when this will end.
I've had the emergency contraception fitted, because of some sort of flashback I had. I got the police involved and everyone thinks I am crazy. I have only told two friends about what happened to me with my ex. I've had to lie to protect my ex, I can't even tell my MS nurses why I'm so terrified to come into our MS clinic because my ex also has MS and she has always threatened to hurt herself or my daughter if anyone ever found out what she did.
I don't know what to do anymore. I have to go back to the STI clinic next week for tests. I am terrified I am pregnant . Terrified I have caught some horrible disease. All because I woke up one morning and felt like something awful had happened. I can't cope with the anxiety and I don't know where to turn or what to do.
