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Post by Seeking Freedom on Nov 29, 2017 21:46:38 GMT
Firstly sorry this is long. Don't feel the need to read the whole thing the main question is - Does leaving and staying away ever get easier?
I met now sort of EX when I was 13 and very quickly moved in with him before I was 14. He was older (18+) It hasn't been all bad and I am grateful for many things. He has however always had control of everything. Obviously from the age I was when I moved in I relied on him for everything. He worked, I stayed home and did the basic things of cooking, cleaning etc.
Things started escalating when the things I was doing where never good enough. There was always a fault found no matter how much I tried to get it up to standards.
Things got really bad and the police where involved. This led to a court case and a sentence. I still waited for him and stayed. We went on to have two children with things still very much up and down. Violent/sexual abuse, no family/friends or money etc. He lost all parental responsibility of the children after another court hearing for another offence.
I left and tried to move on. But still ended up going back. We had another child. 3 children under 5 the youngest with some quite severe health issues I felt more trapped than ever. However I did need him.
I have always managed to handle the violence. It was never where anyone could see. Never around the children. Never effected anyone else etc.
More recently an incident happened where he wanted something I didn't. This escalated into the usual kicking off. However it continued even after he was aware the children could hear and see what he was doing. Luckily a neighbour called the police and he was removed. This time was different. He was different. It had gone above anything before and he had a total different look while doing what he was and I really don't think he'd have stopped if he hadn't been forced too.
This was breaking point. I received medical treatment and decided he couldn't come back. Although I didn't want to bring any charges for anything that had happened. I just didn't want to put the children in that situation anymore.
He still isn't living in our home (he's actually with another female) However he is still coming back, getting what he wants. Demanding food and checking up on things. There's been more violence, more hospital visits. The children haven't been involved they haven't been staying with me.
I still feel the need to go back. I don't feel I can ever hope of moving on. Even more so now he thinks he can still do and get what he wants.
I've been struggling with feeling suicidal. My head knows this is ridiculous and the children would end up in an even worse situation. But I can't control the feelings and it leaves me scared that the thoughts are so detailed on what to do and what I need in place before I do.
I don't know why I'm posting. I guess I want reassurance my decision to leave is right and it will get easier...
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Nov 30, 2017 4:35:22 GMT
Hello, welcome here! I am glad you sought help. Thank you for sharing your life. I hope we can help you.
My first thought is to suggest you contact a National Domestic Violence Hotline or Women's Aide Society, which ever is in your country of origin and perhaps speak directly with a counselor. Your ex is dangerous and it is worsening over time. He could kill you.
You are at a very high risk of he permanently hurting you. Please make sure you are safe and I would urge you to see the support of your local agency for help and guidance.
From what you have said..I believe you are in the best place you can be and that is away from him. Does it get easier? That depends on you and how much you allow this man to have any say in your life. Are you divorced from him? It sounds like you have custody of your children, so unfortunately he still is in your life. And he comes to your home and does whatever he pleases.
It is easy for me to say.set a limit, change the locks, don't let him in, make him call first. I imagine you are financially dependent on him which makes it worse.
I would suggest if you can to talk to a counselor and begin to try and break away from him completely. I know you are in a very difficult position.
When one is in an abusive relationship, similar to yours..there are chemical changes that occur in our brains and we literally become "addicted" to the abusers in our lives. We also form a bond with them..it is called "Stockholm Syndrome". It is very difficult to break away for many many reasons. The main one being though is that your brain is addicted to him. Just like one gets addicted to cigarettes, or alcohol. He is a very difficult "habit" to break away from. BUT..NOTHING will change until you are able to limit your exposure to him.
Sometimes the best way for us to begin to heal and recover from the "trauma"..is to COMPLETELY stay away from the ABUSER. NO CONTACT. You have been traumatized as well. The violence you have been a part of and exposed to is horrendous. It is trauma.
Calling a National Hotline..they can help you to leave for good, to find a new home, to find a way to start over. It may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life...but from someone who has been there..it will get easier. BUT you have to want it bad enough to fight those urges to be near him, to want him, to look at the good times and think the bad times weren't so bad because he made the good times look really good. HE HAD CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING..everything he does and did is to please HIM.
These feelings you are having..they don't last forever. There is hope that things will get better. Please don't give up on yourself. There is help out there and it can help you begin to change your life. YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE..you can choose a different path, you don't have to continue to be abused. Please call a National Domestic Violence hotline and they can help with housing, with emotional support, with legal advice. PLEASE..if you want things to change..you are going to have to be brutally honest with yourself and break away from him for good.
I hope others chime in and give you further perspectives. You deserve to be free, to be happy, and to live a life free from abuse.
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Post by Seeking Freedom on Nov 30, 2017 13:23:55 GMT
Thank you for replying.
I don't know if I want to seek advice from somewhere 'professional' as I'm obviously concerned what that will mean for the children. After all I keep choosing to go back.
I am no longer financially dependant on him, more recently I am helping him with money and things. As I said he still comes here for meals etc and for me to do his washing etc. However the locks have been changed and the police have fitted extra window and door locks etc. I do have full custody of the children, he has no parental responsibility at all and wouldn't win contact not even supervised due to some offences on his record going back to offences between me and him before we had children. That doesn't mean I want to take away his contact though.
I feel like he's only staying elsewhere this time as he knows he can still come back to get what he wants when he wants and he knows he won't be told no or turned away.
Most of the time I do want to break away and I do want things to change. But then when the children are in bed and I'm on my own with time to think I start to regret the decision I've made and wonder if going back again would be easier all round.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Dec 3, 2017 15:56:21 GMT
Hello.. I hear what you are saying, we feel like we are not entitled to any support because we continue to be with the ABUSER..It is ok to have someone to talk to..it is ok to try and get help even though you are still in his life. Seeking help on a "national hotline" will not have any affect on your children. It can be as simple as a phone call and you can remain anonymous. Whether you are "choosing" to stay or go back or not..doesn't matter to the hotline. There are so many women out there and even on here who go back..doesn't mean they don't need support and/or help. There isn't any judgement on those hotlines. They are supported by counselors and many of them have been where you are.
Leaving is incredibly hard..it is scarey, it is stressful, and in the end it makes us wonder if it is worth it. I can tell you as someone who was in 2 ABUSIVE relationships..one right after the other..it is so much better to be away from them. I applaud you for leaving and doing all you have done to keep your children and yourself safe.
If your ex has no ability to have any responsibility in caring of his children..then why do you want them to see him? Obviously a Court of Law has said this man is dangerous..the police are involved. What can he possibly do for you and your children that is going to benefit you or them? AND I don't mean to be harsh...but if this man is COMPLETELY SELFISH..he lives only to satisfy his own wants and needs...THEN WHAT GOOD IS HE TO YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN? Because he is a NICE GUY?? NO..he is not.
Of course he comes back to you..and you are very right..he knows you will keep letting him come back..YOU keep giving him power to Abuse you and your children. THERE IS NO REASON this man needs to have any contact with you. NONE.
I suggested the hotline because the feelings you have for this man are detrimental to you and your children. Our brains literally become "addicted" to these jerks. AND they ARE JERKS. You are a "meal ticket" for him. It is called "Stockholm Syndrome". We get attached to the abuser..we "Love" them. I suggest you read a book called "Why Does He DO That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Begin to educate yourself on the type of person you are connected to.
Knowledge is power. You are smart, you need to protect our children. I promise you..going back will not be easier. He will abuse you, and it may seem wonderful at first..(read about "The Cycle of Violence)..the "Honeymoon Phase"..he will be so glad you are back, he will "love" you and dote on you..then it will start and it will be worse. And you will wish you had never gone back.
Being on your own is hard. And all you are thinking and feeling is very normal for someone who had just left an abuser. The Hotline will help you sort out all those thoughts and feelings. You are grieving the loss of what you once thought was your "happily ever after". It is a loss. You are grieving. That is what those feelings are when you are sitting and thinking. It is a sadness of what has ended. He is not good for you or your children.
Don't wait for him to try and kill you before you realize you shouldn't have gone back.
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Post by been there on Dec 8, 2017 16:45:38 GMT
Hi Ladies,
Karen is right. And I'd like to add something else - you say your ex is living with another female. Come on, really? That did't take long. I'm guessing it's not platonic, which means that he's using both of you at the same time and is hedging his bets. Of course he's going to continue to come back to you, because, let's face it, he's got you broken in and trained REALLY well. She's apparently not quite as compliant and as trained as you are. If she was, he wouldn't think twice about you and would drop you like a hot potato. But she's not, and he's not stupid. It takes time, energy and money to break in a new slave - and he's lazy. So it's easier and cheaper to work on regaining his old slave than breaking in a new one. Because that's all you are to him, a slave, a piece of property that he thinks he owns and can do whatever he wants with. Do you understand now where he's coming from and how he views you? He does not love you, never did, and never will. The only person he is capable of loving is himself. You can't love him into loving you - it doesn't work that way. He will never see you as anything other than property to be used and abused. You are not human to him - you are merely an object that he can manipulate into getting what he wants. There is no "happy ending" future with this predator - and that's what he is. He preys on vulnerable women - and he knows exactly which sweet nothings to say to keep you hooked. If you drop him, then he'll concentrate on the woman he's staying with at the moment. When she kicks him out he'll find another one, and so on and so on. He needs victims to control in order to feel like a whole human being. You don't. You just need to figure out how to stay away from him long enough to reconnect with yourself and discover your strengths (and yes, you are blessed with tons of intelligence and strength, believe it or not!) So please, take Karen's advice and call a hotline, or a local women's resource organization near you. You are not alone in this - there are more of us than you think who have gone to these organizations, and they have helped us get away and stay away from our abusers, too. It's petrifying to leave our abusers and start a new life, but honey, you and your kids safety, sanity, and lives are worth it!
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Post by Seeking Freedom on Dec 29, 2017 1:10:55 GMT
Thank you
I don't really have anything else to say. I do feel like a failure by not being 'strong' enough to make a clean break.
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I left but it took everything
Guest
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Post by I left but it took everything on Jan 3, 2018 1:25:58 GMT
Hello Seeking Freedom
Well done for recognising that you want to leave.
I left but it took everything I had to stay away.
I rang the Women's Aid helpline everytime I wavered. That was every day at least twice a day for at least 6 months.
I got some free counselling with the local Women's refuge - that helped a lot.
I went on a course for other Women like me to begin to restore some of my shattered sense of self.
I went on a counselling skills course so I could understand what my counsellor was trying to tell me. I am an intelligent woman but couldn't make any sense of what I'd done.
I met another man - after 16 months of being on my own (apart from my 3 kids - who I was doing it all for - so they had a mum who was alive and a dad who wasn't in prison for killing me)
I let him go when my self-esteem grew a bit - he suffered from Chronic Social Anxiety and I didn't want another man I would end up looking after but who didn't look after me.
I met another man on a dating website and tried to take it slow (no sex for 6 months) but fell quickly in love (he was overwhelmingly kind to me and I couldn't resist that)
After 2 years we moved in together and after another 3 years we got married. I'm not ecstatically happy but I'm not afraid anymore and can just put my feet up or go to bed if I'm tired.
My ex and I met again this year at our eldest daughter's wedding and I freaked out but was able, with the support of my current husband, to cope enough to exchange a couple of words.
I thoroughly recommend moving on which is a rocky road but worth it. Take all the help you are offered. Refuse to look back. Do whatever it takes to feel better (but without causing deliberate harm to yourself or others.) You truly deserve a better life than the one you are exisiting in at the moment!
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jan 5, 2018 2:11:41 GMT
Hi Seeking..it is ok to feel how you feel. We can't stop our feelings, they are just there. They come and they go and perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is allow ourselves to feel what we feel.
Being with an abuser, no matter how long, is very detrimental to our self-esteem, to how we see the world and everything in it. We blame ourselves for feeling "bad" or for even having a feeling. Abusers are incredibly skilled at convincing us that our feelings are not worth anything, or that they are not valid, or that they even should exist. Because any feeling that we we that doesn't "match" what the ABUSER is feeling or experiencing..to them it is wrong. And they send a very clear message that we are not allowed to feel what we feel, and we are ashamed if we do feel a certain way.
It is OK. I know you feel like a failure for not making a clean break. First, you are not a failure. And it is almost impossible to make a "clean break" from an ABUSER when there are children involved. And if it helps, many victims/survivors struggle with making a "clean break".
Maybe don't expect yourself to make a "clean break" right now. Perhaps don't set that standard for yourself. Perhaps make your goal more simple. Maybe something like "Today I am not going to look him up on social media" or "Today, I am not going to answer his texts". Keep your goal simple. Once you reach that standard or that goal..you may find that you don't feel like a failure, because you reached your goal. And tomorrow, set another goal. Before you know it, by reaching a small goal everyday, you may start to feel like you are successful. Not a failure. So maybe, give yourself permission to set a very reachable goal.
Leaving is not easy. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy to leave and maintain "no contact". It may sound strange..but it takes practice to stay away. Everyday is a new day, a new opportunity to live the life you dream of. And if you need to..take "baby steps". Take one hour at a time.
The hardest part for me was feeling that I still loved him, yet on the other hand, I knew he was the worst possible person to have in my life.
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Post by corinnecrum on Jan 16, 2018 10:01:27 GMT
Hello. How are you now?
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Post by Seeking freedom on Jan 26, 2018 8:48:53 GMT
I'm not coping well really. He's been visiting most days and still having food/washing done etc here.
I guess that's why I feel like I've let people down who have helped and been kind etc.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jan 28, 2018 13:34:25 GMT
Hey Seeking, I know you feel like you have let people down, please know you haven't. No one here will judge you. You are doing what you have to do right now, it is the best you can do with what you have to deal with. You deserve kindness and it will continue here. Wish we could do more to help your situation be different.
Have you contacted a DV hotline or gone to your local DV center? Continuing to talk to others and get support, all that can help. There will come a day when you say "I am done with this and his crap". and you will feel strong enough to make a change. It can happen, it can take a little time or a lot, depending on how you are feeling.
We are here, we will continue to support you no matter what you choose to do or even not do. It is ok.
Karen
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