Post by harleymass on Oct 17, 2017 21:11:44 GMT
So I'm new I guess and a lot to take on board but I feel like I constantly swim around in my own head about everything from day one of meeting my ex partner. And quite frankly, it is driving me bloody insane. I feel almost every problem on my life currently all bounces back to him and I'm barely clawing my way out and away, and every time I feel I've got one step closer away, there's something else.
We met through work - well I worked there and he volunteered. He wasn't my usual "type of guy" so I thought why not? Might be a good thing. He was fairly great, attentive, did nice things for me and surprises. We decided to move in together after 3 months - he lived alone and I lived with my mum, but we rented a new place. This was July 2014.
Skip to the end of the year, I'd left my job to care for my dad (it was stressful I'll admit but my ex was usually out working), mid-December we found out I was 6 months pregnant. Things stayed the same really, if not better at the news - shocked, sure but happy. Amazing through the rest of the pregnancy, could not fault him.
Skip again to my son being born and it went downhill and fast. My dad had moved to a residential home, as he was too much 24/7 with a baby on the way (very deep in to self neglect and terrible memory which made me an expectant mother uneasy, e.g. Found him putting cigarettes out in crisps packets upon returning from food shopping.)
My son was diagnosed with cancer at two weeks old, an onslaught of various hospitals, check ups and chemo. Hell yes it was stressful and hard to take on in such a short space. I developed post natal depression (previous sufferer of depression/anxiety too anyway) and it's like something switched the moment they mentioned those words.
I was fat, lazy, useless, ugly, disgusting, never did anything right, constantly told people I struggled. I had bad days and good but when you have a child having chemo, you kinda autopilot. I did every night in hospital, every day in hospital, every night at home and every day at home. He barely worked, was never there yet constantly put me down when he was. He was caught shouting at our son as he wouldn't stop crying, I should have left then really.
6 months old and we finished chemo. Things settled a bit for me, I tried working on my mood as I settled to "normal mummy life" I still had up and down days of course, you don't just snap back.. Yet I still got the torrential downpour of abuse from my ex.
My brother stayed now and again and helped me out as my ex never did, even cleaning our house while we were at check ups with my son. I even got abuse from my ex at these appointments in which other parents asked him to leave. He left me and my son abandoned at the car for 4 hours at a service station too.
3 months later my dad died suddenly, on his birthday too, the few "mum friends" I had made abandoned me at the same time too. I fell back a little and ended up staying with my mum while we saw Dad in ICU for the two days, then while arranging funeral. He constantly talked ill of me to my own mother, told her not to help me because I was getting lazy and wouldn't come home. Told me to "get over" my dad dying because his had passed years before and it was "obvious" my dad was going to die. (It wasn't. It was sudden and a drunken fall.)
Barely functioned through my sons first Christmas safe to say. It took four weeks to get my dad buried so just before Xmas, we weren't feeling jolly.
My ex became self employed, he was working 8-6, if he got calls he'd drop instantly and go out, to see clients or just go see friends, always leaving me home alone. He never watched our son for more than 10 minutes - so far as turning off the shower on occasions because I was "taking too long". He controlled all the money, I wasn't allowed it. I wasn't allowed to cook and he ensured this by only buying food in on the day. His time "working" was eventually found to be mostly lies as he had been seen around town doing nothing. He constantly took my money or my credit card to buy things for work. He racked my credit card and catalogue card up - credit card which is now with collections as I have never been able to keep payments up almost two years on!
We split April 2016, I told him to leave. He hit me for not cleaning his worked clothes, and I asked him how could I when they are thrown on the floor in a pile amongst dirties. He told me to sit and sniff the clothes.... as well as leaving pots for four days I washed.
(Story there is he said he'd help and wash up, and as much as it killed me I cleaned the kitchen but left the pots as he said he would do them. After four days I got the above, and again lazy/fat/etc.)
And he tried a few days later asking what I wanted from him. I explained I was doing home and child alone 24/7. That he's never there. I wanted help from my partner. He said he didn't have to help because he worked. GOODBYE.
Almost two years on and I'm still trying to pay back the debt he left me in - almost 10k worth and now I'm giving in and applying for a DRO.
I'm currently relying on food banks and second hand clothes for my son and money from my mum and brother for food.
He sees my son every weekend yet I provide everything (bed, clothes, toys and some of which he has sold on without permission, not telling me until I request it back) he pays nothing but is now in full time employment.
It's only since summer my son started staying and his behaviour has changed drastically, he's become horrible towards me, resistant to sinplest of things (getting changed, potty training, you name it)
My ex berates my parenting a lot and tries to take charge, so far I've let as little as possible other than contact. I won't allow him near my sons nursery.
When we originally split, he stalked places I'd go with my son and tell staff I was abusive to him and my son (somewhere I'd been going since my son was five months old.) and he is now banned from entering.
I have a new partner now, who is amazing, but because of everything my ex did to get in to my head I think he's going to do the same.. even though he's proved nothing but otherwise.
I somewhat want to stop contact with his dad, because although an okay dad (my uncle visits too which also irates me as my uncle passes him on things I've learnt which makes me all the more paranoid/anxious) I feel he is using my son against me, making him dislike things so he's more difficult for me, so that o struggle, which I am starting to quite honestly.
I've tried accessing mental health services to which every corner I get kicked down. Constant back referrals to my GP as I never got appointments through (mail going missing!), self referrals and then getting no reply from them which set me on a massive downward spiral. I want to go back to my GP, for tablets as the last ones helped push me through the initial stages and then onwards but I'm terrified they'll reject me because of my back and forth (again he used to stop me going to the doctors even), my money is barely covering monthly bills nevermind food and clothes for my son, if I buy them I have to go without paying a bill or not eat myself at the moment so he can.
I'm looking for a job on weekends when he's with his dad to make up the extra money, but all of me wants to stop him going but if I stop him going I'll lose out on potential money. My family won't help me out looking after my son other than my brother but even he said only for a few hours if he has to. My partner is doing a low wage apprenticeship but trying to find a full paid job but I feel bad him having to keep us afloat really, and having to depend on him.
I'm swimming in circles and feel like I'm losing my mind trying to get out of all of this. I don't feel like I can tell my current partner all of this as it's just insane and I honestly just clog up when I even do much as think about speaking out loud about any of it, or I just cry.
I spoke to my brother about how everything he said I felt was true, even though I know it's not, it's still ingrained and rather than help. I was called an idiot, exactly what my ex would call me. That hurts, a lot.
There's a lot and honestly I think I just needed to vent and get it all out. I'm lost, I'm confused, I still feel like I'm in a vice grip by my ex that I can't escape and I just don't feel like me anymore and I don't know where to turn, at all.
We met through work - well I worked there and he volunteered. He wasn't my usual "type of guy" so I thought why not? Might be a good thing. He was fairly great, attentive, did nice things for me and surprises. We decided to move in together after 3 months - he lived alone and I lived with my mum, but we rented a new place. This was July 2014.
Skip to the end of the year, I'd left my job to care for my dad (it was stressful I'll admit but my ex was usually out working), mid-December we found out I was 6 months pregnant. Things stayed the same really, if not better at the news - shocked, sure but happy. Amazing through the rest of the pregnancy, could not fault him.
Skip again to my son being born and it went downhill and fast. My dad had moved to a residential home, as he was too much 24/7 with a baby on the way (very deep in to self neglect and terrible memory which made me an expectant mother uneasy, e.g. Found him putting cigarettes out in crisps packets upon returning from food shopping.)
My son was diagnosed with cancer at two weeks old, an onslaught of various hospitals, check ups and chemo. Hell yes it was stressful and hard to take on in such a short space. I developed post natal depression (previous sufferer of depression/anxiety too anyway) and it's like something switched the moment they mentioned those words.
I was fat, lazy, useless, ugly, disgusting, never did anything right, constantly told people I struggled. I had bad days and good but when you have a child having chemo, you kinda autopilot. I did every night in hospital, every day in hospital, every night at home and every day at home. He barely worked, was never there yet constantly put me down when he was. He was caught shouting at our son as he wouldn't stop crying, I should have left then really.
6 months old and we finished chemo. Things settled a bit for me, I tried working on my mood as I settled to "normal mummy life" I still had up and down days of course, you don't just snap back.. Yet I still got the torrential downpour of abuse from my ex.
My brother stayed now and again and helped me out as my ex never did, even cleaning our house while we were at check ups with my son. I even got abuse from my ex at these appointments in which other parents asked him to leave. He left me and my son abandoned at the car for 4 hours at a service station too.
3 months later my dad died suddenly, on his birthday too, the few "mum friends" I had made abandoned me at the same time too. I fell back a little and ended up staying with my mum while we saw Dad in ICU for the two days, then while arranging funeral. He constantly talked ill of me to my own mother, told her not to help me because I was getting lazy and wouldn't come home. Told me to "get over" my dad dying because his had passed years before and it was "obvious" my dad was going to die. (It wasn't. It was sudden and a drunken fall.)
Barely functioned through my sons first Christmas safe to say. It took four weeks to get my dad buried so just before Xmas, we weren't feeling jolly.
My ex became self employed, he was working 8-6, if he got calls he'd drop instantly and go out, to see clients or just go see friends, always leaving me home alone. He never watched our son for more than 10 minutes - so far as turning off the shower on occasions because I was "taking too long". He controlled all the money, I wasn't allowed it. I wasn't allowed to cook and he ensured this by only buying food in on the day. His time "working" was eventually found to be mostly lies as he had been seen around town doing nothing. He constantly took my money or my credit card to buy things for work. He racked my credit card and catalogue card up - credit card which is now with collections as I have never been able to keep payments up almost two years on!
We split April 2016, I told him to leave. He hit me for not cleaning his worked clothes, and I asked him how could I when they are thrown on the floor in a pile amongst dirties. He told me to sit and sniff the clothes.... as well as leaving pots for four days I washed.
(Story there is he said he'd help and wash up, and as much as it killed me I cleaned the kitchen but left the pots as he said he would do them. After four days I got the above, and again lazy/fat/etc.)
And he tried a few days later asking what I wanted from him. I explained I was doing home and child alone 24/7. That he's never there. I wanted help from my partner. He said he didn't have to help because he worked. GOODBYE.
Almost two years on and I'm still trying to pay back the debt he left me in - almost 10k worth and now I'm giving in and applying for a DRO.
I'm currently relying on food banks and second hand clothes for my son and money from my mum and brother for food.
He sees my son every weekend yet I provide everything (bed, clothes, toys and some of which he has sold on without permission, not telling me until I request it back) he pays nothing but is now in full time employment.
It's only since summer my son started staying and his behaviour has changed drastically, he's become horrible towards me, resistant to sinplest of things (getting changed, potty training, you name it)
My ex berates my parenting a lot and tries to take charge, so far I've let as little as possible other than contact. I won't allow him near my sons nursery.
When we originally split, he stalked places I'd go with my son and tell staff I was abusive to him and my son (somewhere I'd been going since my son was five months old.) and he is now banned from entering.
I have a new partner now, who is amazing, but because of everything my ex did to get in to my head I think he's going to do the same.. even though he's proved nothing but otherwise.
I somewhat want to stop contact with his dad, because although an okay dad (my uncle visits too which also irates me as my uncle passes him on things I've learnt which makes me all the more paranoid/anxious) I feel he is using my son against me, making him dislike things so he's more difficult for me, so that o struggle, which I am starting to quite honestly.
I've tried accessing mental health services to which every corner I get kicked down. Constant back referrals to my GP as I never got appointments through (mail going missing!), self referrals and then getting no reply from them which set me on a massive downward spiral. I want to go back to my GP, for tablets as the last ones helped push me through the initial stages and then onwards but I'm terrified they'll reject me because of my back and forth (again he used to stop me going to the doctors even), my money is barely covering monthly bills nevermind food and clothes for my son, if I buy them I have to go without paying a bill or not eat myself at the moment so he can.
I'm looking for a job on weekends when he's with his dad to make up the extra money, but all of me wants to stop him going but if I stop him going I'll lose out on potential money. My family won't help me out looking after my son other than my brother but even he said only for a few hours if he has to. My partner is doing a low wage apprenticeship but trying to find a full paid job but I feel bad him having to keep us afloat really, and having to depend on him.
I'm swimming in circles and feel like I'm losing my mind trying to get out of all of this. I don't feel like I can tell my current partner all of this as it's just insane and I honestly just clog up when I even do much as think about speaking out loud about any of it, or I just cry.
I spoke to my brother about how everything he said I felt was true, even though I know it's not, it's still ingrained and rather than help. I was called an idiot, exactly what my ex would call me. That hurts, a lot.
There's a lot and honestly I think I just needed to vent and get it all out. I'm lost, I'm confused, I still feel like I'm in a vice grip by my ex that I can't escape and I just don't feel like me anymore and I don't know where to turn, at all.