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Post by marina on Sept 1, 2017 20:35:29 GMT
Hello all, hope you lovely people are all doing well.. As Usual i'm here seeking advices.. I had a pretty bad breakdown at the end of July when on my Facebook in the section 'people you might know' my ex appeared.. he is smiling in his mean way, but I thought he looked stunning. I think it was his sister wedding that happened a few weeks after I rang the police.. it shocked me because the same week at work they told me that he had resigned because he was in a really bad place.. so I wasn't really expecting to see him looking so well. anyway.. after this massive breakdown I decided to start counselling. I found this counsellor that speaks my language and that was supposed to have experience with abusive relationship. it has been 4 weeks now, but as it's my first time in counselling I don't really know what to expect and if she is a good one, as I don't feel any benefit, and I actually don't see the point. I just sit there and she expect me to talk.. I have opened up, I told her my feelings and what my problems are.. flashbacks, panic, crying without any reason.. but I don't have basically any feedback. , and for sure I don't feel any better. This is the reason why I am posting here: how should a therapy work? It should be a dialogue? She should give me 'homework' or suggest me something? I have no idea and I feel a bit lost.. hope someone can help me with this. a big hug to everyone here..
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 2, 2017 1:14:43 GMT
Hi Marina, welcome back! It is good to hear from you!. I am sorry to hear of the breakdown you went through. It is never easy seeing them especially when they "pop up" unexpectedly. If you block him on FB..he won't "pop up" anywhere. You won't be able to see any of his profile page and he cannot see yours or anything you post, even on someone else's page. It is a very nice feature under the security tab I think. I have many people blocked, mostly people I don't want to be able to see what is going on in my life. I think my list is about 8 people long.
As for counselling, well, the theory is that by talking out feelings and thoughts and what not..it gets you to really look at what you are thinking or feeling and why those feelings are there. For example..If I tell my counselor I get very frustrated when my ex-husband says certains words, or does certain things. By exploring further..what exactly is it that I don't like, why don't I like it, how does it make me feel, I begin to learn what makes me jump to certain feelings and thoughts. I can learn what makes me feel those feelings and I can then begin to stop feeling those feelings or thinking those negative thoughts..which may in turn lead me to feeling stressed, or cry or yell at someone. Every thought or feeling leads to another one. By figuring out what causes them, you can then change how to react to things.
I learned after a lot of talking and figuring out why I was attracted to a certain kind of man. I learned why I believed every man who told me he loved me. I learned why I trust men so quickly and why I do everything possible to please people so they will like me. I gain insights about myself which then helps me to maybe change how I see things, or change how I respond to something. It also has helped me to figure out the kind of man I want to be with and not the kind of men I have been with.
Counselling is what you make of it. If you are feeling a certain way or you are not coping well with a situation, by really looking inside yourself, you can change how you cope. We as humans do a lot of "self talk"..meaning our brains are constantly thinking, processing, analyzing information. So we draw conclusions. Perhaps if we figure out what makes us come to that conclusion..we can change what we think.
Yes it can be a dialogue..if that is what you want it to be. A counselor's role is to listen, to give you feedback on what you are saying, to perhaps ask questions to help you look deeper behind the meaning of something. They are not to judge, they are not to give an opinion of what THEY think is right for you. It is about what YOU Think and feel is right for you. If they have a background in really having insight to domestic violence..then they would know what questions to ask to help you explore your thoughts and feelings. If you feel like your counselor is not doing this..you have every right to ask them to do this. Perhaps say "I need more feedback from you, I need to perhaps go deeper so I need more probing questions".
"Homework" is possible if that is what you want. Again..talk to your therapist, tell them what you need or want. I went to marriage counselling for a bit with my ex-husband. I wanted homework, I wanted for us to have things to work on outside of the session and then come back and talk about how it went and how we felt trying to work on things together. Needless to say it didn't work. But,,the counselor was willing to work with us and helped us determine what we wanted to work on in between sessions. My ex didn't want to change, he wanted me to change.
You are the "customer", the open dialogue you have with your counselor is up to you. If you want more to do then let them know and they will help you identify what you need and how to work on it. I am someone who likes to have things to work on. So my counselor helped me figure out a few things to try say when I was interacting with my parents whom I had issues with during my separation from my now ex-husband. She helped me identify words that would trigger feelings in me that would then cause me to cry or get nervous. By identifying all that, I was able to figure out a way to cope when those words came out and not "crumble" into a ball of emotions.
So, yes it can really help. It is a process and change doesn't happen instantly. The fact that you feel "lost"..that is something to talk about in therapy. What makes you feel lost? What is going on in your life when those feelings come up? Does it feel good? If not, when that situation arises,,do you want to feel differently and not feel lost? How do you want to feel? What would have to happen in order for you to not feel lost?
Sorry for rambling. I am a counselor in my career. So I have a little experience with it. Hope that helps some. You can have a whole few sessions with your counselor on what you want the sessions you have with her/him to look like. What caused you to react to the FB post? Why did you feel the way you felt? What made you "breakdown"? Have you ever had those feelings before? All these things can be explored.
Keep asking questions Marina, that is how we learn and go forward.
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Post by marina on Sept 3, 2017 1:46:25 GMT
Thanks Karen, this was really useful. I guess I was expecting something different.. I was hoping for some tools to make me fell less depressed.. I have been analysing myself a lot in the last year and a half, and I know exactly what are my triggers, why I still think about my ex almost daily, why sometimes I even think I still love him. I know what makes my sad or causes my breakdown. So I don't know if keeping talking and analysing myself can help me right now.. it just makes me even more aware of my sadness and depression. I'll talk to my therapist this weeks in order to understand what's the plan for the next sessions, and to be more direct with her feedback.. hopefully it will get better..
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 3, 2017 12:53:15 GMT
Hey Marina..I hope it gets better too. This whole new way of living without the person we love or loved..it is not easy. I would share with your counselor that you are looking for "tools" on how to feel less depressed. Depression has been defined as "anger turned inwards". So if that is what it is..then how do we stop feeling anger and stop internalize it? Don't get me wrong..I know depression is more than that..but that is it in a nutshell.
I am sure you have been analyzing yourself, sometimes that is all we do so we can stop feeling how we feel about the ABUSER. Do you take anti-depressants? Sometimes those are needed to kind of help us get over the "hump" of being depressed. It is all about changing how we look at things and how we react to things. It sounds to me like you might be "stuck". Like you have identified all that triggers you and causes the feelings..the next step is what do you want to do when those feelings or triggers happen? How do you change your response to those feelings. That is the depression part. Our brains go to what is familiar. If you are "conditioned" or it's a habit to respond or react a certain way? ...then what can you do to recognize when that feeling comes and stop the sad feeling or negative feeling and replace it with a good feeling? That is the change that happens.
It can be really good to figure out how we feel and why we feel something. BUT it can take a lot of courage and strength to take that to the next level and actually change our reactions to those feelings. To let go of the sadness and the anger and the depression. And doing this..you may actually come to a point where you stop loving him and that is hard. Also, you may be grieving or mourning the loss of the relationship and the guy in general. Letting go of him means letting go of whatever "good" times you and he had. It may mean stopping the love of him.
Many girls are taught at a young age of the ideal of our "prince charming". He will be gallant, he will be handsome, he will be a gentleman, and provide for us. He won't hit us or abuse us. It is an ideal that we are taught to obtain in our lives. To be the best wife, or mother, or partner and girls are taught to "love no matter what".."to make a commitment and love forever". It is a very tough thing to realize, but We don't have to love the ABUSER forever. It is ok to let go of whatever love you feel for him. That "love" may be what is keeping you stuck. AND that can be very painful to do, to let go of that. Because we are taught that we are "supposed" to love him always. It is what we promised to do.
AND there can be a lot of healing as we grieve and mourn the loss of what we believed to be true. I still struggle with feelings of letting go of my ex-husband. I was taught as a young girl and truly believed in my core..that divorce was not an option. That I promised before God and a whole church full of people I cared about that I would love him forever. He promised that to me too..yet he abused me, for 20 years. And there are probably a few people who were in that church on my wedding day who think I still should have stayed with him despite how horribly he treated me.
In order for me to find happiness in my life and to find peace..I had to let that go. And I am still working on that. I have no desire to get re-married. NONE. Mostly because what I believed in my whole heart to be TRUE..wasn't. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you. That rug was supposed to be firm and solid, and it isn't. So right now, I am trying to figure out what my "new" "firm and solid" looks like.
So it is a process. Perhaps going forward..you may want to think about how can I stop the sadness? What do I have to do to feel less sad. You may not like what you need to do. That is the pain, and the hurt, and the actual process of letting him go from your thoughts and heart and mind. It isn't easy. One step at a time.
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Post by marina on Sept 4, 2017 23:51:07 GMT
Hi Kare, I am not taking any anti-depressant, but I guess that might be an option. I feel so on edge.. I am happy and active one day and the day after I can barely move from the sofa (even though tbh this is not affecting my job, thankfully). Still too many 'what if' in my mind. I started to let him go.. I threw away a couple of his things Inhad , and I've deleted the text messages.. I still have a couple of photos in my old phone and I still know where to find his number ( I didn't try to contact him anymore after last time, and anyway I'm pretty sure he has some kind of block..) I feel like I am the abuser because I am still so obsessed, while in this occasion he has been better than me and never tried to take me back.. and again I am back thinking that 'maybe if I would have done things differently..' Thanks a mil for your support and your kind words, as usual..
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 5, 2017 1:01:01 GMT
Hey Marina, you are very welcome! You are not the abuser, even though you are stuck on him. And the fact that he hasn't contacted you or tried? I suspect he is punishing you. He has blocked you to hurt you, to punish you, and probably to get back at you for leaving.
It can take a really long time to work the ABUSER out of our system. You have been addicted to him. Literally addicted. Wanting him and going through all the "what if" scenarios? Very normal. SO is trying to blame ourselves and think that we should have done something different. You could not have done anything different. He never would have been satisfied, he would always find something to criticize you, something to hurt you with, something to pick at, or to make fun of, or a different name to call you, or a different way to punish you. It is a never-ending vicious cycle of control, abuse, neglect, manipulation, hurt, and the facade of making you think he cares. NEVER...Marina. NEVER would he be satisfied. They never are. The only thing that would be the same is the hurt you feel.
My ex-husband never really tried to get me back. I gave him a lot of opportunities to tell me he loved me and to save our marriage, and he blew it. All he did was punish me. He played the victim and many people have felt sorry for him. Many have given him attention by feeling sorry for him, making me looking like the b*&^%. It really hurt that he never tried to get me back. He found someone to replace me with. And I am sure he continues to abuse those around him by playing the victim. Sadly, I had an incredibly abusive boyfriend after my ex-husband. He kicked me out of his house, then he tried to get me back.and when I rejected him...he too replaced me in 4 weeks. I will never believe that he or she are happy. If she is happy, then she is lying to herself. He is abusing her..he abused me, he abused his wife before me, I have no reason to think he isn't doing the same to his new wife. And that thought is what keeps me happy..because i know that I couldn't have done any better because all he wanted was someone to control, someone to have sex with when he wanted, someone to manipulate, and someone to hurt and punish when he felt I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I didn't make him the center of my life 24/7. And he was a shit and proved it by being abusive.
It is good to be thankful everyday that we are away from them. It is also just as ok to feel sad that we are away. It will get better. One day at a time. Hopefully, it will get easier as each day without him passes.
I will fully admit it was hard getting rid of the physical memories. I still have all my wedding pictures, I have my dress, I can't part with those things. I have some cards and a few letters. They are my past. They have memories attached to them and I am not ready (even 4 years later..since I decided to leave).AND THAT IS OK..it is what works for me right now.
They represent a part of my life that even though it was horrible..there was a lot going on in other areas that were not horrible. I am not a big believer in throwing away the past. I have gotten rid of just about everything though that the ex-abusive boyfriend gave me. He was a gift giver..so I had several things. I got rid of just about all of them except 3 things. And I don't keep them because of him so much..it is because those things have meaning for ME..not of HIM and ME. He bought me a brand new flute, he bought me a music box from Russia. They are beautiful gifts and I like them. He bought these things at my request..because I wanted them, so I see them as a gift to me that I picked out. Many of the things he gave me that he picked out..burned or shredded and thrown away.
I guess my point is..don't force yourself to feel a certain way. Do what feels right for now. You can't go wrong with NO CONTACT..keeping that distance will help you to heal. Enjoy those good days and good feelings when you have them, and feel the bad days..and then let them go and move on to the next day. Soon..the time in between a "good" moment and a "bad" moment will increase as you continue to let those feelings go.
Don't give up Marina..just take one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and then 1 day at a time.
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