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Post by twocky61 on Jul 13, 2017 16:19:21 GMT
My partner was subject to serious domestic violence by her now ex-husband over the five year period she was married to him
We met online & soon became friends and eventually we began a relationship as much as you can have a relationship on-line
She told me about her suffering which detail I will not go into here lest it triggers other sufferers on this forum I asked her why she stays with him? But where would she go? We shared all forms of communication on and off-line & I told her when she has the courage to leave to phone me any time of the day or night
Eventually she phoned me 3am one Sunday morning. Her husband was playing in a band in a night club so she had the chance to run
We live two and a half hour drive apart. I told her to find a taxi and to give her phone to the cabbie. I asked him to bring her to me which he did. I paid him both ways and a tip
We are now in a relationship and live together. She says she is happy with me and more importantly feels safe which she has not over the five years before she divorced her husband
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 13, 2017 16:23:11 GMT
By the way as my title suggests it is the first line of a poem
I lost it when my pc corrupted
Does anyone know the poem which starts something like:
When you shout at the woman you claim to love there is a man whispering to her she is beautiful.................
I may have the text incorrect but it is something like that
Thanks
Nick
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 13, 2017 16:29:14 GMT
Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad your partner is safe and away from her ex. The only thing I would suggest is she still call a Domestic Violence Hotline or go to one and look into counseling.
She has been traumatized and even though she feels safe with you, she may want to think about processing all that has happened to her. She has jumped from a very bad relationship into another relationship. There are many thoughts and feelings and such that she may need to process before she can fully commit to you or anyone. Many victims of DV need time to process.
I am glad she is happy and safe. But there still may be many other thoughts and feelings going on that she will need to deal with. Take one day at a time and maybe go slow.
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 13, 2017 17:24:51 GMT
Thankyou Karen
She has had counselling before we met and still does now we are together
There is one issue though. She seems to think she owes me. She does not. I chose to break the golden internet rule (What's online stays on line never to be mixed with the real world). I could have dis-believed her especially as on-line some insecure people do live in a fantasy world seeking attention. I made the decision to believe her. I felt we were close enough for her to be telling me the truth
When we did meet after the taxi departed back to her home town Cheltenham uk we did hug and she clung to me. I felt that hug was important for her to know beyond doubt I am not and the majority of men do not treat their partners the way her ex did her
I feel sex is out of the question at least for some time. We hug and cuddle and both she & I feel that is enough. Sex is not the answer. Especially as she was raped on a daily basis.
Anyway Karen thanks again for replying
Nick
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 15, 2017 11:41:37 GMT
Hi Nick, you are welcome! The feeling she has about "owing" you? Very normal for someone who has been abused. It is a feeling that her ex has manipulated her into feeling. EVERYTHING he did or "gave" to her, he expected something in return. EXPECTED and probably "punished" her if she didn't completely appreciate him or GIVE him something back...like sex, or her complete attention to him, or money, or her undying love. It is "I gave this to you "because I love you and you can't live without me"..so what are you going to do for me? So she gets in that mode of feeling like she has to give back every single time someone does something for her..because her brain is conditioned to think she will get punished if she doesn't. AND punishment from an abusive person is horrible.
You sound like a great friend to her and that is such a good thing. Going slow is not bad. Your relationship has a better chance of lasting if you both give each other time and space to work through whatever feelings you are having.
Don't be surprised if she sees behaviors in you that may trigger feelings in her. AND it can be the MOST innocent, well-intended behavior or act, but it could remind her of something her ex did and it may scare her, or cause her to "freak" out. I have had MANY of these incidences with my boyfriend. I have been with him for over 2 years...I met him 7 months after an abusive relationship ended by my ABUSER kicking me out of his home to punish me. I left and it took me a while but I never went back. So stuff will come up, it will take a lot of love and patience for her to heal and for you to process all she has been through. ,
Learning to live AFTER Domestic Violence is very hard..I think. It is learning a whole new way of thinking, of not being on edge all the time, and learning to love yourself. For many victims..it takes a lot of time and energy and purposeful thought to become the person we want to be and not the person our ABUSERS coerced us into being.
I have not heard of the poem you speak of. Hope you find it and please share it..it sounds like a good one!
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 26, 2017 15:15:31 GMT
Thankyou for sharing your past Karen xx
I have found the 'poem' I was looking for so here goes
While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man, wishing he could talk softly in her ear...
While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND, & INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her, & reminding her, how wonderful she is.
While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he could make love to her.
While you make your woman CRY,While you HURT your woman, there's a man stealing smiles from her
I would like to stress the line '.................... there's a man wishing he could make love to her' does NOT mean in this context having sex with her; it means loving her, hugging her, holding her in your arms, sharing kisses together and listening to her when she feels the need to talk about her past. When the woman you love has been subjected to serious domestic violence by her ex-partner as has my now partner has been, the last thing she desires is sex. She has been repeatedly raped by her ex-husband so just wants to be held & comforted & to feel safe with you. She needs to talk about her past so she can face it & process her thoughts & feelings. Your listening to her tell you this is very important to her. In my case when my partner tells me her past hurt & pain from her ex I find it difficult to control my anger and desire to kill him. Obviously this feeling I wont put into practice in respect to my partner as she has told me he is her past & she feels safe with me which is all I want; her to feel safe.
I would love to share with you a picture of my partner & you will see how sweet she is. I am sure it is against site ToS to post pictures of people and anyway I am also sure my partner would not appreciate a photo of herself being placed anywhere on line, Also there is the issue any pic (photo or otherwise) can be poached to be used as a fake profile pic in chatrooms or forums. There is a way round this though. Pic encryption so lit can't be saved. As this is a tecnhy thing for computer geeks as am I probably most people wont be aware of this online feature
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 27, 2017 1:05:33 GMT
Hello, very nice poem. Thank you for sharing this! My guy has similar feelings like you..he has to resist wanting to destroy my 2 exes.
As far as sharing pictures, I believe most people here want to stay anonymous. I don't know if there is a policy about it, but I would have your partner join here and post if SHE wants to. I am sure she is beautiful and very kindhearted. She sounds very lucky to have you in her life.
I think too many women and some men who post here are taking huge risks by sharing things here. They may have a partner who monitors their computer use, or who just is nosy and figures out what is going on. So many don't use their real names, many don't put a picture up, because to be discovered could mean a huge amount of abuse. So, it is up to the individual, but we all understand if there are not any pictures.
Hope you and she are doing well.
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 27, 2017 17:49:12 GMT
Thanks Karen xx I'll suggest to her to register on this forum so she can express herself by writing a diary on here
Anyway what I failed to mention is last week I set her ex up. There is a shop outside London called Lorainne Surveillance where anything 'James Bond' you can purchase as most of the gadgets used in the James Bond movies do actually exist
So anyway................. I bought a pack of six shirt/blouse buttons one of which is a covert CCTV & mike. I dropped off my partner outside her house & asked her to go in & to tell her husband she was sorry she had left him & that she still loved him whilst I waited parked up the road in range of her transmitter complete with a scanner tuned into the digital CCTV & audio frequency. I made six copies onto six D's. I had full control of the situation & if he so much as hits her I would go into the housed & play him a copy of the recording. I was talking to my partner through her covert earpiece. I wanted concrete evidence but I also knew how far to take it. I said to my partner to trust me to pull her out of the situation but I needed it to go so far so as to incriminate him. I saw my partner talking to him & him shouting at her. Then came the time to intervene. He unbuttoned her blouse revealing her breast & pushed her face down over the table to rape her. #It was at that point I intervened. I told her to go and sit in the car whilst I showed him the video footage. I told him I have six copies in different places & if he so much as contacts her the evidence will be used in court
After that I took my partner away for a holiday thanking her for trusting me that I would not let her be raped
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 27, 2017 22:23:07 GMT
WOW..what a risk you took..but I get it. I would call the cops with the footage you have. Consider NO CONTACT at this point. None from her point of view. NONE. Stay away from him, don't answer any texts or e-mails, phone calls or ANYTHING.
He is going to be plotting to get back at her. Maybe even you. I am surprised you didn't hit him. He would have deserved it. I know you have proof..but please be cautious at this point.
Really, stay away from him. Yes, you have proof..but some guys don't care. He could get desperate and do a stupid thing and not care about the consequences. Perhaps buy some Mace or Pepper Spray. You or she may need to defend yourself. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but this guy is unpredictable. Just be careful. Be prepared for retaliation of some kind. He will punish you or her in some way. Or he may threaten. Just be prepared for crazy. Women get killed everyday by their partners. The numbers/statistics are astounding. This guy again..may not care about what happens to him. He just may want to make sure you and she hurt.
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 28, 2017 13:17:13 GMT
Thanks Karen xx
I have already equipped my partner with an illegal stun gun available on the internet 'Star Trek' style. Not only James Bond but also Star Trek inspired many of today's gadgets. You'll be surprised what is available out there. If you have the money you can buy anything: fire arms and explosives and in the case of explosive you have to be licensed for use in demolition and quarries.
Anyway........... I have taught my partner how to use the stun gun which is all that matters. I was tempted to buy her a revolver but that would take things too far if she inadvertently killed someone how ever much they deserve it
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 28, 2017 17:13:00 GMT
Following on from my last post: My partner has pretty much told me all of her past though I suspect there is more in Pandora boxes buried in her subconscious which she has yet to process & be ready to confide in me about it
This afternoon she said she would like us to marry. I have never really considered marriage in previous relationships but for a marriage of convenience so someone from a developing country is able to make a new life here in the UK
One thing I am currently involved is living kidney donation. There is a website that facilitates this. The website is matchingdonors.com - Potential donors & potential recipients register on the website and search each other out for matches. This way both the donor & recipient get to know each other. We have Fed-ex'd our tests and we are definitely a match. There is a strict no payment policy on the website. It is an altruistic situation. I have yet to fly out to Cleveland Ohio for the donation.
Another thing I participate in is clinical trials for the pharmaceutical companies. A human 'guinea pig' produces real results rather than a rabbit or mouse does. The pharmaceutical companies pay anything from £800 to £4k for your time. Money for nothing really lol
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Post by Guest on Jul 28, 2017 20:41:24 GMT
You are starting to sound really wierd. Warning bells are going off in my head about you.
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Post by Lucy on Jul 30, 2017 11:26:13 GMT
Good point you have there Guest
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Post by Sekta on Jul 30, 2017 14:06:26 GMT
Why have I been banned?
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Post by Sekta on Jul 30, 2017 14:10:21 GMT
Twocky61
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Post by Sekta on Jul 30, 2017 14:11:03 GMT
Twocky61
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Post by Sekta on Jul 30, 2017 14:12:51 GMT
Still - no probs as you can reply as a guest
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Post by Sekta on Jul 30, 2017 14:14:50 GMT
It would be interesting to know why I have been banned though regardless to guest reply being allowed
Twocky61
Nick
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Post by twocky61 on Jul 30, 2017 14:25:52 GMT
I am able to log-in now so maybe I was not banned that the activation page was a site glitch
Twocky61/Sekta
Nick
(It could have been ProBoards hosting page that came up as activation page as I am about to open a forum on the subject of CB Radio)
Nick
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Post by pinksparkle1711 on Aug 23, 2017 0:14:02 GMT
Thanks Karen xx I'll suggest to her to register on this forum so she can express herself by writing a diary on here Anyway what I failed to mention is last week I set her ex up. There is a shop outside London called Lorainne Surveillance where anything 'James Bond' you can purchase as most of the gadgets used in the James Bond movies do actually exist So anyway................. I bought a pack of six shirt/blouse buttons one of which is a covert CCTV & mike. I dropped off my partner outside her house & asked her to go in & to tell her husband she was sorry she had left him & that she still loved him whilst I waited parked up the road in range of her transmitter complete with a scanner tuned into the digital CCTV & audio frequency. I made six copies onto six D's. I had full control of the situation & if he so much as hits her I would go into the housed & play him a copy of the recording. I was talking to my partner through her covert earpiece. I wanted concrete evidence but I also knew how far to take it. I said to my partner to trust me to pull her out of the situation but I needed it to go so far so as to incriminate him. I saw my partner talking to him & him shouting at her. Then came the time to intervene. He unbuttoned her blouse revealing her breast & pushed her face down over the table to rape her. #It was at that point I intervened. I told her to go and sit in the car whilst I showed him the video footage. I told him I have six copies in different places & if he so much as contacts her the evidence will be used in court After that I took my partner away for a holiday thanking her for trusting me that I would not let her be raped
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