|
Post by Finally Free on Jun 5, 2014 19:54:55 GMT
Hi Diane,
So pleased you are back in touch. Youre a very strong girl and you will get through this. I too understand the pain of friends and my own family making ridiculous comments regarding abuse and I like Janine have cut people out of my life and I am recovering well. I sometimes do wish I could start over where no one knows me etc, and yes that would be easier but im proud of myself for facing up to it all and I know you will feel this to someday. Keep going and keep in touch x
|
|
|
Post by crystal on Jun 5, 2014 22:45:19 GMT
Hi Janine and Finally Free - thank you your posts are helping me a lot to carry on. I don't feel very strong. I found a box of the OTC tablets I overdose on last night but I have hidden them under the sink so I can't see them and will throw them away tomorrow when I put my rubbish out.
I thought I had recovered well after the trauma therapy and trauma group I went to before , just not sure where this depressive episode is coming from. I know I am deeply unhappy inside and numb but can't pinpoint any real triggers. My CPN was really nice even though I didn't feel I had much to say. She is seeing me on Wednesday again - quicker than I usually see her but probably because I have been so instable of late. My GP signed me off for a week but said she was happy for me to go back to work on Monday if my chest infection is improved and I got another course of antibiotics. Popped in to work with my lines to give to HR and I have to call her tomorrow to say if I am well enough to go back to work on Monday. She was quite cool towards me and told me I am now on SSP which normally would scare me but the money side seems not so important just now and that is most unlike me. I am still chesty so really not sure what to tell her tomorrow if I will be there on Monday or not. I am shit scared about going back. Wish I never told her about the Monday bit but guess the longer I am away the harder it will be. I just don't know what to do.
I guess I did have some depression as a teenager as I was bullied but it was usual teenage stuff - if I thought I had problems then, I was very much mistaken. My mental health got bad when I was in the abuse, within six months of living with my ex abuser I was a mess on anti depressants and just did not know why or my old GP as I had been well for years. The depressive episodes began serious towards the end of the abuse before I managed to get him out of my life and became increasingly worse as I began to process what had happened to me during the abuse when he was out of the way. I was the typical victim - controlled up to the hilt by him and totally dependent on him. It was hard to even think straight when I first got out and I refused all help to go and see domestic abuse until months afterwards. My Mum had wanted me to go before but I refused to believe I had been abused and then I found this website and it was like I woke up and thought all these people are speaking my language regarding abuse and I could see the light and even felt a sense of excitement as I thought it was only me and realised just how common domestic abuse is. A lot of the abuse he put me through was emotional, physical and sexual, the latter I still struggle with and feel unclean at times.
I see my psychiatrist next week the first time for two months. My CPN said its quite common for people who are depressed to push help away like I have been doing. I can't afford counselling and have had quite a lot of the NHS so don't think that's even an option for me now. My CPN was talking about my meds and it sounded like changing them or increasing them because of how I am feeling. I am in a bit of debt at the moment so not sure I could afford private counselling but do feel it would help me.
I know sometimes I could scream at people who have no idea of the trauma of abuse and go why did she stay, let it happen, not walk away etc. just victim blaming really. But I am not a victim anymore.
Not sure what else to say at the moment. I wish I could do more to help people on the board just now but my mind just goes blank.
Diane
|
|
|
Post by Finally Free on Jun 6, 2014 6:39:29 GMT
Hi Diane,
You must be worn out with everything, I had always pushed people away but I am learning to accept kindness and support and this is starting to really help me now. Dont give up, keep going, youre obviously very strong to have dealt with this for so long now, I think to keep pushing yourself forward whilst trying to deal with everything can be exhausting but its somehow necessary, then take time out when it all gets too much? life is so strange. I cope really well then all of a sudden I dont, but I accept this now, may be it wont always be this way?
Dont give up, ask for help theres no guilt in accepting it, maybe once you say yes instead of pushing away it may become easier to accept offers of help and kindness.
Keep in touch x
|
|