Confused and Numb

Hi jonny 5 and welcome here,

You are right, finding a place where you feel comfortable expressing thoughts and feelings is always a good start. Even if you do not plan to leave your wife now, or ever. The important thing is you care about your children's and your own well-being. It sounds like you started looking into the dysfunctional and -- from what I can tell from your post-- abusive behaviors her and you both engage in.

You might find the books by Lundy Bancroft helpful. He is an experienced psychotherapist who has worked with abusers and their spouses for over 30 years now. One of his books is called "When dad hurts mom". Most domestic violence books talk about "she/the woman" as the victim ad he/the man" as the abuser.

If you worry about your own behavior, you can call a DV hotline for free to have a chat with one of their counselors. I would recommend either way that you seek counseling with a licensed professional therapist, or maybe even attend couples counseling (or both, individual and couples counseling at the same time) with you wife.

Children hear and see everything.
Everything.

That is one big myth and denial thought most people have, namely they assume their kids are shielded and protected from the abuse. They are not. If one or both parents are abusive towards each other, the children are by default victims of domestic violence.

To say "Your mother doesn't love you, you don't have any friends, why don't I just kill myself and make your life easier" is verbal and emotional abuse of the most severe kind. Your spouse is encouraging you to commit suicide and trying to make you feel unlovable.
That is not love, that is abuse. That is domestic violence.

We all say and do things in intimate relationships we are not proud of. BUT...there is a very very clear line between normal conflict and tension in a relationship and ...abuse. The things you describe are without a doubt, 100%, NOT normal.

I would again strongly recommend you talk to a licensed professional as soon as possible, because your children are the ones who need to be protected first and foremost. The DV hotline will not ask you for your name or address, so it is a good place to start getting connected with someone who is licensed to give you professional advice and lend you a compassionate and trained ear.

You do not deserve to be abuse.
You did not make her abusive.
The only thing you owe your kids is to teach them what a healthy and respectful and safe relationship looks like, because what they see happening between her and you, will be what they most likely seek out in the future for themselves.

Would you want your kids to be married to someone like your wife, who treats them that way? Who insults them that way?
What would you recommend them to do?

It is not easy. You do not have to decide anything today, or tomorrow, or even next year.
Be kind to yourself. Keep on reading up on DV and reach out to professionals whenever you feel the need for support.

You are also always welcome to post here of course.

No worries- you are very welcome jonny5!

Men often do not think of themselves as victims of domestic violence. There is shame. A lot of shame. And there is fear maybe too. Or maybe even anger. A lot of beliefs too. (I am supposed to be the man of the house) The percentage of abused men is very low, compared to women. There are a few reasons why though - Like you said, pride plays a role. Society teaches us that men are strong. Boys don't cry. Man up. Don't be a girl/pussy. And who wants to get up, talk to someone, and say "I think my wife is abusive?"

This is hard.
Give yourself credit for reaching out here to others.

We have had quite a few men come seek advice here over the years, and I think one of the reasons why the percentage for men reporting DV is so low, is that men often don't report it. I still think research suggests women are more often than not the victim, but fact is that yes, men can be victims of DV.

It is not your fault.

You might even want to change the words if the word "victim" feels too "weak or passive or shameful".
Some people prefer to say it is way: "I am currently experiencing how it is like to share a home and relationship with a partner who is abusive/toxic/dysfunctional etc." Or you might even want to take yourself out of this - for now- and simply say "I am worried about how my wife's words and behavior is affecting the well-being of my kids."

And then you may or may not come back to your own feelings later on.

Whatever feels right for you, is right. Every DV story is different. I remember a few years ago when I left my ex, I came here to this forum and decided it was a good place to post for the very first time. I had never really used any online forums, and I could just delete my browser history and forget about.

I was convinced I was not experiencing abuse after all. Had I google "domestic violence" Sure. Had I been reading up on "traumatic bonding" and "stockholm syndrome" and the "cycle of violence"? You bet I did! But...I was not one of "those women...those people over there....who are being beaten up and bruised and battered.....that wasn't me. Surely I was just being a bit too sensitive....?
After all my ex had really nice phases too. And he sure pushed me to say things that were mean and I sure got drunk pushed him back on one occasion. So..it must have also been my fault...right? My ex told me it was also my fault so he had to be right.

It took actually a few more serious incidents over the course of maybe 2-3 months until I finally allowed myself to think "Fuck. This is domestic violence. How did I end up here? Me??? A college graduate from a middle class family?? I wasn't supposed to be the "victim" of this???!! That stuff is for movies and 10pm PBS documentaries. But not me!"

When the time is right, you will know and then you will reach out to a professional.You might even find it safe and more comfortable for now to make up a white lie, if that feels right. You could say "I want to work on some of my issues and see how I can be better husband." If your wife is suspicious about you seeking therapy. I am not promoting that lying is a good thing, but if the thought of "being found out for being weak and needing therapy" scares you, this strategy might help you bridge the anxiety until you got yourself into a good therapist's office.

I know a lot of strong men who went to couples counseling. Three of the men in my immediate social circle have done it. They all hesitated and felt shame and other things. They ALL said afterwards it was the best thing they could have ever done, and the only regret they had was that they had waited so long to seek therapy.

You might want to start by reading up on 'warning signs of a bad therapist' to get an idea of how to choose one that feels right and is a good fit. Like in any profession you have lots of good ones, but a few foul eggs as well. (http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapy/)

I am proud of you. What you are doing here- reaching out- requires a lot of strength.
I see and hear a man who wants to be a good father, first and foremost. Give yourself credit for wanting a safe and healthy home environment.

It started with reading up on DV for me. Then it took a few more violent incidents for me to talk to someone else online. A few incidents later and I was talking to one friend about it. And two weeks later I was at a police station, filing a report and getting a restraining order.

It doesn't have to be like this, every story is different.
But there are ways in which you can help your kids and yourself to feel saver and healthier, right now and right here.

The Lundy Bancroft book "when dad hits mom" and "why does he do that?" are great. Just replace all pronouns in your head from "she" to "he".
When mom hits/insults/threatens dad.....why does she do that?

Trust yourself.
You are capable.