|
|
Post by lydia on Mar 21, 2017 20:37:09 GMT
Male in the family was abused. The wider family were split into two groups: helpful, or in denial. One of the 'denial' people was falsely accused of something by the abuser, and arrested. Some of us have taken the view that we are all at risk from the abuser and her pattern of false accusation. (She also got her now ex arrested, and made further allegations even though there was CCTV in a public space to show she was lying. She has no fear of the law, and lies happily and regularly.)
So some of us have taken the view that we have to be careful as to what kind of contact we have with the children of the couple as the abuser could make up any story and wreck our lives. The 'denial' part of the family accuse us of splitting up the family. (They've never accused the knife wielding abuser of that...).
Is there anyone else out there who can see why we're worried and have taken steps to avoid being falsely accused by this woman who seems bent on destroying lives?
Anyone else who has had their wider family falsely accused of things by the abuser either to the point of arrest, or not?
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
|
Post by janine on Mar 22, 2017 12:27:45 GMT
Hi Lydia and welcome here,
It sounds like a male family member of yours has an abusive ex girlfriend or wife, is that correct?
What I am hearing is that you believe she has manipulated authorities and lied to them (which is punishable by law) and there was even CCTV footage that proved she lied.
I am sorry that happened. You have my compassion.
It is incredibly frustrating to see someone lie and manipulate, and seemingly "get away with it". Has this male family member, who experienced these manipulations, been able to connect with professional services, maybe a lawyer? or a therapist? Calling a DV (domestic violence) hotline is also a good idea, and it can allow him to get professional, anonymous, and free advice, and even counseling.
It sounds like she has used weapons, a knife to be specific, in the past to threaten him. I would not be surprised if that caused PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome).
And to answer your question, yes, I know that the father of my best friend has been accused of beating his grandchild by the wife of his son - so his daughter-in-law. She has a history of manipulative and abusive behavior. The grandmother was present on the day the grandmother allegedly hit the grandchild. This resulted in the daughter-in-law being able to isolate her husband and kids and years went by before they spoke again with each other.
Abusers come in all sorts of shapes and colors and jobs.
In this case, nobody was ever arrested since the daughter-in-law never filed a police report- and I am not surprised because I know this grandfather and he never even raised as much of a hair to his own daughter, who is one of my best friends.
The problem with the "denial people" is that there may come a time when you have no choice but distance yourself from them.
What they do is often referred to as 'secondary victimization'. This means that if you experience abuse or something traumatic, and people who matter to you do not believe you or ignore your experience, and fail to validate your feelings...it can cause just as much, if not more, pain and suffering for the victim.
Denial people are - in my personal point of view- not just harmless deniers. The are enables and allow and therefore support the abuse.
This is never ok, and there is no excuse for that. Things said by enablers often sound like this:
--- "It's all in the past now. Why can't you just get over it already?
--- "We all make mistakes and you should forgive him/her already. How long do you want to bring up these old stories?
--- "I am sure he/she didn't mean to do/say this. He/she needs help. He/she just loves you so much and doesn't know how to handle this.
--- "I want to be neutral in this situation."
Sometimes the way they say these things is non-verbal. They may not make eye contact when you tell them about an abusive situation. Or they may not show interest in your feelings and experiences, and do not ask any further questions. They may not express shock or anger at the abuser, or compassion for you, because they do not care about your feelings, or they decided you have no right to feel this way, or your feelings make them feel uncomfortable.
None of this is ever the fault of the victim of abuse.
I had to cut out a few people who thought my abusive ex was "just a hopeless and passionate lover, who could not stand the thought of losing me."
If it does not feel right, it is not right.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up, and to expect from those who want to be part of your life, to believe you.
In terms of practical steps, you can also call legal advice or a DV hotline yourself, which can provide you with free legal advice, even if you have not been the direct victim of the abuse.
|
|
