Post by karen on Mar 21, 2017 2:02:48 GMT
I encountered my ex-husband this past weekend 6 times in 4 days. I am still upset from it and trying to process what was going on: Here is what happened. Any thoughts are much appreciated!
My daughter is/was the lead role in her high school musical show this past weekend. It has been a much anticipated event from our family's perspective as we are all so proud of her and her talent. 4 shows are scheduled. I attend 3 of them with my boyfriend and various family members. My ex-husband (her Dad) also attends. This has happened with other school events, but all have been fairly benign. This weekend shook me a bit. Here is what happened:
Thursday night, opening night. My ex attends the show. I learn later he took the bus (took him over an hour to get to where the show is), so he has no car. We don't speak before the show except to nod and say "hello". That is it. The show goes on and it is awesome! ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. I am so proud of my daughter I am a bit tearful. We all walk down to the stage at the end to greet my daughter. My ex walks up to me and says "Wow, she is incredible, I was crying the whole time, I can't believe how great she is". So, a bit awkward as my boyfriend is standing next to me, my parents are there, my brother and my sister. The ex is talking non-stop, smiling, referring to our daughters, honestly..he is talking to me like nothing ever went wrong between us. Our daughter comes out from backstage and we are all emotional because her talent shined that night. We all were amazed at how talented an actress and singer she is. So a sweet moment by all. While she is in the midst of all of us..hugging and such, the ex asks me for a ride back to the town where we live (20 minutes away). He says "Hey, can I bum a ride, I couldn't get a car tonight". I have given him rides before. I am stunned at this as My boyfriend is nearby and he doesn't hear this. My daughter is looking at me and I am in a spot I don't want to be in. I say.."Um sure". I am dreading this ride home. I decide it is time for me and my guy to get away from the ex. We leave the auditorium and walk away to wait for my daughter to be ready to leave.
I have a conversation with my guy and he is upset that the ex put me on the spot and asked for a ride. MY ex and I do not interact at all. We only talk if our paths cross because of our daughters and I try to keep it very short. I try very hard to maintain my composure and be civil so not to add stress to my daughters. My boyfriend is angry and hurt and upset with me because I said yes. He and I drove in separate cars. I would not have said yes if we came in the same car.
So, I take the ex and my daughter home. He talks all the way home as if no time has passed and he and I are still together. I am too annoyed to say much and he and my daughter converse.
So, next day (Friday), I make up with my boyfriend, who after a lot of talking this out, we figure out what was going on and decide to not take separate cars again. We decide to have a united front if the ex shows up. I don't go to the show tonight. I stay home and await the arrival of my older daughter and her guy from college. They get in late, and we start to have a really nice, lovely evening while waiting for the younger one to finish her show and return home. I had arranged for one of her friends to take her home. I knew if my ex went to this show he would not have a car and couldn't give our daughter a ride. So I made arrangements for my daughter. SO..it gets weird. My younger daughter arrives home around 11:00pm and as she comes into my home, I hear a male voice with her. My older daughter jumps up as my EX HUSBAND is now entering my home. COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED. I AM SHOCKED and ANNOYED. My boyfriend is stunned. MY EX HUSBAND bummed a ride from the mother of the classmate I had made arrangements with. THEN< He comes into my home and asks my older daughter for a ride from my home to his. My 2 daughters and my older daughter''s boyfriend agree to give him a ride and they all leave very quickly. I AM REALLY annoyed at this point. And starting to wonder what is going on. I am starting to have those "sick" feelings again that I thought I had dealt with the night before. As soon as they leave, both of my daughters are texting me..one is apologizing for forgetting to tell me he was with her, the other is trying to see if I am ok. They are gone for over 45 min..he lives 5 min away. I later find out they stopped to grab some food because he hadn't eaten, I suspect my daughter may have helped him pay for the food. I am quite upset by the time they return.
I can't believe he came INTO my home!!! He is not welcome. My daughters know that. I was so shocked! My boyfriend was stunned as well. My ex is talking non-stop when he comes in..all excited and happy about how good our daughter was and the show. He hugs my older daughter..so happy to see her. I am so annoyed at this point.
So fast forward to Saturday night...the ex and his family all come to the show. All of his sisters..one of whom I am not pleased with, all are treating me like I am their best friend. These are people who have sided with my ex and tell me how nice it is to see me. One of the sisters and I have found common ground and are friendly. I am still feeling the sting of the other two. My ex is smiling and all happy with his sisters and family around him. At least tonight I know he has a ride. At the end of the show, they are all surrounding my daughter congratulating her. That is all fine, as I know they all care about her. The ex and I don't speak other than to be civil although he continues to have diarrhea of the mouth and go on and on about our daughters.
So then it is Sunday. Last show. I decide at the last minute with my boyfriend's support..we go. The ex shows up again. He is walking down the street, so he took the bus to get there. He is behind me in line. He talks to me. He is asking about if our daughter has plans after the show, how he can't take her out and he will make it up to her later. I am standing with my boyfriend at this point, very close and making sure he and I are touching. I keep the conversation with my ex short. Finally get into the show, and seated way away from the ex. Show ends..we gather at the stage again, and he is talking a bit more. My boyfriend and I are standing together. We separate briefly and My ex is standing NEXT to my boyfriend taking pictures. That is a weird sight. I distance myself from the ex and then go to my guy and stand with him..holding his hand. The ex seems to lose a little bit of his steam. He is watching me and my guy and at some point..he walks away. Our daughter is coming home with me. No ride offered to the ex, he does not ask for one, and I am relieved as I believe he is getting the message that my boyfriend is not going anywhere. My ex says no more words to me or to my daughter, doesn't say goodbye, just walks out the door and starts walking to the bus. I go the opposite direction.
So, what is all this? My boyfriend and I talked more about what was going on. I gave it alot of thought. I figured out my reactions to what was happening. I was stunned, I had that sick feeling in my stomach. I was triggered. I started to wonder if my ex really is a decent guy and good father as he was so concerned about our daughters and happy to see them and gushing about them..blah blah blah. I started to feel bad for him, I started to wonder if I should have gotten divorced. I then started to think I was crazy for having those thoughts, maybe I was wrong about everything. I started to feel sorry for him. ALL THESE FEELINGS were ones I had had before I left him. It was like 3 years had not passed. I didn't like what was going on here.
I came to the conclusion that my ex has sorta been trying to get himself back into my life. He has been talking to me each time our paths cross for our kids as if he and I were friends. Talking about our daughters, filling me in on happenings with his family, talking about his job, doing all the SAME CRAP he did before. His M.O for abuse is to play the "VICTIM". He looks pitiful. Long beard, long gray oily hair, thin. He has this look about him that triggers me. It brings up so many feelings that I have tried to deal with. I suspect he was trying to get on my good side so then he could get what he wants..money, rides, back in my good graces. He has no boundaries.
I can't even really find words to describe what this all is. I am dumbfounded. All I know is it confused the heck out of me. It brought up too many familiar feelings. The whole weekend did not go as I had hoped. I didn't want to talk to him. I knew I would see him, but I didn't think it would be like this. He knows how to get to me and he threw me off.
UGH!! I feel like I had this nice protective wall built around me to keep him out. AND he poked a hole through that wall and I am just so annoyed as I thought I had a pretty strong wall. Just hate the feelings this triggered. I am trying now to figure out how to make that "wall" stronger and prevent him from busting through again. I have to admit...I should have told him off and set a boundary. It was really hard. I knew somehow it would backfire and I would get hurt. And just knowing that..makes me angry that I can't even set a limit without worrying about the backlash!
So just going to let the feelings go and move on. I know what he was doing, I know what he was hoping for. I know I don't trust him, I know I don't like him, I know I don't want to talk to him, and I know I don't want any contact with him. I know my daughters saw it as strange too and that helps me to know it isn't just me.
Thanks for reading this whole thing..I know it is long. I just need to process this whole thing!
My daughter is/was the lead role in her high school musical show this past weekend. It has been a much anticipated event from our family's perspective as we are all so proud of her and her talent. 4 shows are scheduled. I attend 3 of them with my boyfriend and various family members. My ex-husband (her Dad) also attends. This has happened with other school events, but all have been fairly benign. This weekend shook me a bit. Here is what happened:
Thursday night, opening night. My ex attends the show. I learn later he took the bus (took him over an hour to get to where the show is), so he has no car. We don't speak before the show except to nod and say "hello". That is it. The show goes on and it is awesome! ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. I am so proud of my daughter I am a bit tearful. We all walk down to the stage at the end to greet my daughter. My ex walks up to me and says "Wow, she is incredible, I was crying the whole time, I can't believe how great she is". So, a bit awkward as my boyfriend is standing next to me, my parents are there, my brother and my sister. The ex is talking non-stop, smiling, referring to our daughters, honestly..he is talking to me like nothing ever went wrong between us. Our daughter comes out from backstage and we are all emotional because her talent shined that night. We all were amazed at how talented an actress and singer she is. So a sweet moment by all. While she is in the midst of all of us..hugging and such, the ex asks me for a ride back to the town where we live (20 minutes away). He says "Hey, can I bum a ride, I couldn't get a car tonight". I have given him rides before. I am stunned at this as My boyfriend is nearby and he doesn't hear this. My daughter is looking at me and I am in a spot I don't want to be in. I say.."Um sure". I am dreading this ride home. I decide it is time for me and my guy to get away from the ex. We leave the auditorium and walk away to wait for my daughter to be ready to leave.
I have a conversation with my guy and he is upset that the ex put me on the spot and asked for a ride. MY ex and I do not interact at all. We only talk if our paths cross because of our daughters and I try to keep it very short. I try very hard to maintain my composure and be civil so not to add stress to my daughters. My boyfriend is angry and hurt and upset with me because I said yes. He and I drove in separate cars. I would not have said yes if we came in the same car.
So, I take the ex and my daughter home. He talks all the way home as if no time has passed and he and I are still together. I am too annoyed to say much and he and my daughter converse.
So, next day (Friday), I make up with my boyfriend, who after a lot of talking this out, we figure out what was going on and decide to not take separate cars again. We decide to have a united front if the ex shows up. I don't go to the show tonight. I stay home and await the arrival of my older daughter and her guy from college. They get in late, and we start to have a really nice, lovely evening while waiting for the younger one to finish her show and return home. I had arranged for one of her friends to take her home. I knew if my ex went to this show he would not have a car and couldn't give our daughter a ride. So I made arrangements for my daughter. SO..it gets weird. My younger daughter arrives home around 11:00pm and as she comes into my home, I hear a male voice with her. My older daughter jumps up as my EX HUSBAND is now entering my home. COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED. I AM SHOCKED and ANNOYED. My boyfriend is stunned. MY EX HUSBAND bummed a ride from the mother of the classmate I had made arrangements with. THEN< He comes into my home and asks my older daughter for a ride from my home to his. My 2 daughters and my older daughter''s boyfriend agree to give him a ride and they all leave very quickly. I AM REALLY annoyed at this point. And starting to wonder what is going on. I am starting to have those "sick" feelings again that I thought I had dealt with the night before. As soon as they leave, both of my daughters are texting me..one is apologizing for forgetting to tell me he was with her, the other is trying to see if I am ok. They are gone for over 45 min..he lives 5 min away. I later find out they stopped to grab some food because he hadn't eaten, I suspect my daughter may have helped him pay for the food. I am quite upset by the time they return.
I can't believe he came INTO my home!!! He is not welcome. My daughters know that. I was so shocked! My boyfriend was stunned as well. My ex is talking non-stop when he comes in..all excited and happy about how good our daughter was and the show. He hugs my older daughter..so happy to see her. I am so annoyed at this point.
So fast forward to Saturday night...the ex and his family all come to the show. All of his sisters..one of whom I am not pleased with, all are treating me like I am their best friend. These are people who have sided with my ex and tell me how nice it is to see me. One of the sisters and I have found common ground and are friendly. I am still feeling the sting of the other two. My ex is smiling and all happy with his sisters and family around him. At least tonight I know he has a ride. At the end of the show, they are all surrounding my daughter congratulating her. That is all fine, as I know they all care about her. The ex and I don't speak other than to be civil although he continues to have diarrhea of the mouth and go on and on about our daughters.
So then it is Sunday. Last show. I decide at the last minute with my boyfriend's support..we go. The ex shows up again. He is walking down the street, so he took the bus to get there. He is behind me in line. He talks to me. He is asking about if our daughter has plans after the show, how he can't take her out and he will make it up to her later. I am standing with my boyfriend at this point, very close and making sure he and I are touching. I keep the conversation with my ex short. Finally get into the show, and seated way away from the ex. Show ends..we gather at the stage again, and he is talking a bit more. My boyfriend and I are standing together. We separate briefly and My ex is standing NEXT to my boyfriend taking pictures. That is a weird sight. I distance myself from the ex and then go to my guy and stand with him..holding his hand. The ex seems to lose a little bit of his steam. He is watching me and my guy and at some point..he walks away. Our daughter is coming home with me. No ride offered to the ex, he does not ask for one, and I am relieved as I believe he is getting the message that my boyfriend is not going anywhere. My ex says no more words to me or to my daughter, doesn't say goodbye, just walks out the door and starts walking to the bus. I go the opposite direction.
So, what is all this? My boyfriend and I talked more about what was going on. I gave it alot of thought. I figured out my reactions to what was happening. I was stunned, I had that sick feeling in my stomach. I was triggered. I started to wonder if my ex really is a decent guy and good father as he was so concerned about our daughters and happy to see them and gushing about them..blah blah blah. I started to feel bad for him, I started to wonder if I should have gotten divorced. I then started to think I was crazy for having those thoughts, maybe I was wrong about everything. I started to feel sorry for him. ALL THESE FEELINGS were ones I had had before I left him. It was like 3 years had not passed. I didn't like what was going on here.
I came to the conclusion that my ex has sorta been trying to get himself back into my life. He has been talking to me each time our paths cross for our kids as if he and I were friends. Talking about our daughters, filling me in on happenings with his family, talking about his job, doing all the SAME CRAP he did before. His M.O for abuse is to play the "VICTIM". He looks pitiful. Long beard, long gray oily hair, thin. He has this look about him that triggers me. It brings up so many feelings that I have tried to deal with. I suspect he was trying to get on my good side so then he could get what he wants..money, rides, back in my good graces. He has no boundaries.
I can't even really find words to describe what this all is. I am dumbfounded. All I know is it confused the heck out of me. It brought up too many familiar feelings. The whole weekend did not go as I had hoped. I didn't want to talk to him. I knew I would see him, but I didn't think it would be like this. He knows how to get to me and he threw me off.
UGH!! I feel like I had this nice protective wall built around me to keep him out. AND he poked a hole through that wall and I am just so annoyed as I thought I had a pretty strong wall. Just hate the feelings this triggered. I am trying now to figure out how to make that "wall" stronger and prevent him from busting through again. I have to admit...I should have told him off and set a boundary. It was really hard. I knew somehow it would backfire and I would get hurt. And just knowing that..makes me angry that I can't even set a limit without worrying about the backlash!
So just going to let the feelings go and move on. I know what he was doing, I know what he was hoping for. I know I don't trust him, I know I don't like him, I know I don't want to talk to him, and I know I don't want any contact with him. I know my daughters saw it as strange too and that helps me to know it isn't just me.
Thanks for reading this whole thing..I know it is long. I just need to process this whole thing!
