Post by janine on Mar 10, 2017 18:57:01 GMT
One of the things that keep coming up again and again is the question of:
"Why is he so nice at times?"
Which is probably the reason why some of you might wonder:
"What can I do better, so that he is always or at least more often the nice guy. We would be so perfect then."
When it comes to abusers, they often go through what is referred to as "Honeymoon Phase" of the cycle of violence.
He has to be nice to keep you hooked, or to hook you in the first place. Nobody would willingly enter a relationship with someone else,
if they were beaten or otherwise harmed during the first date. If we knew what was waiting down the line, we would have stayed away.
And abusers know that too.
They intentionally do or say things to make you doubt whether or not he is abusive.
And the "nice guy phase" is part of the abuse. It not a nice phase therefore, but rather yet another tool to manipulate you into staying and enduring more abuse.
The hardest part for me was to realize that what people do and say, can be different.
Someone can say the words "I love you, I just love you so much that I am scared of losing you. I need help. I cannot live without you."
Yet, they don't mean a single word of that.
Humans really need to stop looking so much at words coming out of someone's mouth, and observe the actual factual behavior.
Easier said than done.
What you see is what you get.
There is really no major science behind any of that.
Abusers abuse, because they can get away with it for a long time, some forever.
Victims stay because traumatic bonding is very powerful, and because we have a very veryyy hard time allowing ourselves to see the truth - which is that there are people out there who WANT to harm you.
That is not love, it never will be.
Somehow along the lines movies like Romeo and Juliet and news headlines like "Crime of Passion" convinced us that violence and relationships belong somewhat together.
And that of course is bullshit.
Relationships can be violent-free and should be violent-free.
That is normal, that is love.
"Why is he so nice at times?"
Which is probably the reason why some of you might wonder:
"What can I do better, so that he is always or at least more often the nice guy. We would be so perfect then."
When it comes to abusers, they often go through what is referred to as "Honeymoon Phase" of the cycle of violence.
He has to be nice to keep you hooked, or to hook you in the first place. Nobody would willingly enter a relationship with someone else,
if they were beaten or otherwise harmed during the first date. If we knew what was waiting down the line, we would have stayed away.
And abusers know that too.
They intentionally do or say things to make you doubt whether or not he is abusive.
And the "nice guy phase" is part of the abuse. It not a nice phase therefore, but rather yet another tool to manipulate you into staying and enduring more abuse.
The hardest part for me was to realize that what people do and say, can be different.
Someone can say the words "I love you, I just love you so much that I am scared of losing you. I need help. I cannot live without you."
Yet, they don't mean a single word of that.
Humans really need to stop looking so much at words coming out of someone's mouth, and observe the actual factual behavior.
Easier said than done.
What you see is what you get.
There is really no major science behind any of that.
Abusers abuse, because they can get away with it for a long time, some forever.
Victims stay because traumatic bonding is very powerful, and because we have a very veryyy hard time allowing ourselves to see the truth - which is that there are people out there who WANT to harm you.
That is not love, it never will be.
Somehow along the lines movies like Romeo and Juliet and news headlines like "Crime of Passion" convinced us that violence and relationships belong somewhat together.
And that of course is bullshit.
Relationships can be violent-free and should be violent-free.
That is normal, that is love.
