Just need a reminder...they never change

Hey Karen,

She is not happy with him and she would have had experienced many many episodes of his abuse by now, just like you.
He is an abuser and they really never ever change. I even had a local clinical counselor who is licensed and specializes in working with "Batterer programs" tell me that he is glad the government does not care that therapy does not work with abusers, because they don't change and he would be out of work if these programs were cut.

Abusers want one thing - and one thing alone - to make you feel like it was all in your head (crazymaking / gaslighting) or to make you feel it was all your fault, and your fault alone.

We all pretend on social media. I sure do!
But abusers just use it as an extended platform for their tactical manipulation.

I believe he unblocked you on purpose.
I believe he most likely did this because his current relationship is going South, due to his abuse and her probably slowly realizing he was a bad apple.
I believe he after unblocking you he probably checked what you are up to. Abusers love going back to previous prey when the current one turns out to start getting difficult.

Your perception is right. Trust that.

You are not a bad person.
You did not make your ex husband or ex boyfriend abusive.
You are and were a loving and compassionate woman, who wanted to be seen, heard, loved, accepted, and to belong and cared for.
Those are basic human needs, and you are not bad for having normal needs.

Now might be a good time to re-read older posts, in which you shared specific incidents he caused.
It helped me to re-read for example years ago that my ex would text me nonstop and follow me around town "because he was worried about me."
or that he would pout when I wanted to cook and not let him cook for once.

Looking back, I STILL after reading that wondered if it was me, and if maybe I was difficult and broken goods, due to my childhood experiences.
of course then I went on to think "maybe mom was right, and it was all my fault with her too."

when we experience abuse, whether that is through a parent or partner, the brain often goes into 'cognitive dissonance'.
it makes no sense, literally, that someone who claims to love us and care about us, does or says the things abusers do.
So the brain does the one thing it CAN do, because it has no control over the abuser's behavior, and ....the brain blames itself. Us.
Instead of letting in the dark truth that yes, there are some really bad people out there who will abuse us, if we let them into our life.
They do this for no other reason than they are abusers.

It was never your fault.
be extra kind to yourself.

I have been there many times, looking up the ex online. You do have my compassion.
Just know you are never alone with whatever it is you are feeling or thinking.

You are a very normal person, who has a very normal reaction to unnormal and dysfunctional behavior of a dysfunctional person. (him)
In the years since then he has had one long-term girlfriend and many short-term relationships.
They all fell through eventually. But one girl stayed with him for almost two years.

Right now his instagram is all about his latest 'soulmate'.
Social media are just another tool in the manipulation box of the abuser.

I am glad you shared how you felt after seeing his photos online.
It's not your fault.

If i could get a dollar for every time I have read here on the forum from women who left an abuser that they worry he was normal after all,
and just needed the right ( = better, more patient, kinder, less demanding, skinnier, etc.) woman by his side, i would be able to buy the latest MacBookPro by now


Internet hug your way!!

Today it might not feel 100% great inside, you have a right to feel that and pay attention to it.
No wonder you felt like you felt. It is not a nice feeling to see your ex pretend to be all happy peppy online.

Morning!

Not going to beat myself up..feelings come up and it is ok. ---I LOVED this sentence.
You are very right, feelings come and go. Sometimes when we are right in the middle of a feelings-wave, it can be difficult to see the beach we eventually reach.
All feelings are temporary.

And until I find my password again I'll post as a guest real quick.

I realized in my previous post it was all over the place, so the reference to instagram and the two year relationship was about my abusive ex-
that sounded confusing.

The comments he made about himself (using his son) make me think he might be not only an abuser, but on top have narcissistic personality disorder or even sociopathy.
It's one thing to be an abuser, it's another to use your kids as a tool to manipulate women into thinking you are a great catch. As if he does not even have a personality of his own somehow.
I also like your approach of showing no reaction. He will never ever know how you feel about him unblocking you on Facebook. You are safe.
If he dares to send you a message there, you can ignore that too. Ignoring and no contact are the best tactic.
You are in control and in charge now. For good!

My ex tried to get to me about a year or two after I had left him.
He had actually moved across the globe to my continent - very scary - and lived in a country right next to mine.
Little did he know I had left to get my master's abroad, and I was 8 hours by airplane from my home at that time. He set up several Facebook accounts and texted me
he was "worried about me" and wanted to know if I was ok and that he loved me still blablabla and when I ignored it, he sent aggressive emails - saying stuff like "You always drank too much and acted out anyways."

What I am seeing is that you are so so so empowered Karen.
It may not always feel like it, but I hear a very strong and empowered woman, who is committed to good self-care and self-compassion.

It is a shock to the system to realize we dated an abuser. Or were married to one.
You have the right to heal and to grieve whenever you need, for how long you need.
You do not have to 'get over it already'. If there is grief or fear or sadness left, invite them in.

You are not a bad person for having feelings and for having needs.

In one of my books I am reading related to childhood emotional neglect/abuse, I found this.
It may also be helpful for your inner little girl in terms of difficult moments when the thoughts about the ex pop up"

"We are here for her, and it's ok for her to need us."

The woman you were two years ago, deserves to be heard and seen and believed.
Your feelings matter.

Your ex boyfriend really has something seriously wrong with him, and I feel sorry about his latest wife.
She is in for a rough ride, and I would not be surprised if at one point she does reach out to you because she cannot take it anymore.
If that happens, you also want to put yourself first, because by then you may not need further contact with anyone connected to him.
Or maybe it feels right. Whatever feels right - is ok.

And way to go for that popsicle!!!

Thank you also for your kind words... I appreciate every single one of them.

May today be a good day.

This winter has been so warm, hasn't it!
I am in the Midwest and we barely had any snow.

I would not be surprised if he is already grooming that new woman who likes all his posts.
In my experience there comes a time when you do not even care about checking up on his social media. It comes in waves until it ebbs away.


And you have every right to talk about this as much or as little as it feels right at any given time.

Hi Karen my heart and sympathy go out to you. It is so so confusing there tactics and I like you have come to realise that my ex does nothing by mistake, it's planned out always and maximum effect or abuse or both. I have been in bits since I had a missed face time call from him, I was driving at the time and my stomach dropped and I felt sick !! Afterwards when I had time to think I realised he did that on purpose to unsettle me and that has got to me. The power of a single call on my phone, my space invaded and since then I have been ill with a anxiety and panic attacks. He also friended a make friend of mine well not friend as such he is doing a new website for me. When we were together for that brief time I told him he was doing a website for me and he said ohh I know him well !!! BIG FAT LIE !!! I didn't want to approach the web guy saying he is only doing this to keep an eye on me but a very good friend did so and my web guy said what the hell is xmas doing with that arsehole he is a drunk and an idiot and immediately de-friended him. That support give me a lift but now I am worried because he will be furious mad !!! It just goes on and on and I feel so trapped at the moment. Any advice very much appreciated xx