Post-abuse

Anonymous
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Post-abuse Mar 1, 2017 9:32:15 GMT via mobile

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Post by Anonymous on Mar 1, 2017 9:32:15 GMT

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd write this post as I've been really struggling with being able to not feel so hurt and attached to the emotions I felt while I was in an abusive relationship. I am with someone else now who is absolutely lovely and we're so happy but I can't seem to fully move past what happened still.

As a background, I suffered emotional, threatening, financial and sexual abuse by my ex boyfriend. It makes me sick thinking about it and though I have a completely healthy sex life with my new boyfriend (which doesn't drudge up any memories/flashbacks) I still can't seem to just stop letting what is in the past creep into my present thoughts.

I have opened up (literally the other day) to my boyfriend about how my past relationship was abusive and he is just so supportive and amazing beyond words... Just the polar opposite of what I had before!

I guess what I want to know is how to stop letting my abuser still have control over me.

Don't know if it matters but I'm a 22 year old female and just to clarify, I haven't told anyone else about the extent of the abuse, my current boyfriend doesn't know details yet but I'm open to talking more about it to him. My mum knows some of the ways he was emotionally abusive but that's it (she was in an abusive marriage for 18 years to the point of near murder and I don't really feel comfortable talking to her about it).

I would really appreciate others' input. Thank you.

janine
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Posts: 1,185

Post-abuse Mar 2, 2017 0:10:16 GMT

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Post by janine on Mar 2, 2017 0:10:16 GMT

Hi Anonymous and welcome here,

No wonder you struggle with the memories of what happened and experience at times probably heavy emotions.
I am glad to hear you are safe right now, and that is a good starting point for the road ahead.

My therapist once told me that 'grieving cannot be controlled'.
You grieve the abuse and the losses from this experience for as long as your body and soul need to. If it feels too heavy by yourself, I highly recommend talking to a counselor.
A DV hotlines can connect you with free counseling if your health insurance does not pay for that.

It can be overwhelming when we feel safe, to deal with all of the feelings we might have stuffed aside while we experienced abuse, because we could not afford to feel these feelings back then. Now your body and soul feel safe and are ready to slowly see what needs to be felt and grieved and eventually let go of at the end of the grieving process.

It will be ok and feel ok again, maybe just not today or tomorrow.
But eventually.

We are always here if you need an ear.

If therapy does not feel right at the moment and if calling the DV hotline feels uncomfortable, maybe reading up on PTSD and other topics feels right.
I did a lot of bibliotherapy = reading books to heal, and found books like "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft good, and also "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek.
Judith Herman "Trauma and Recovery" was also great.

Sometimes books can trigger the trauma though, and there is nothing like having a licensed mental health counselor on your side in this.

Anonymous
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Post-abuse Mar 14, 2017 23:06:41 GMT via mobile

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Post by Anonymous on Mar 14, 2017 23:06:41 GMT

Hi and thank you so much for your response. I meant to reply sooner but I wanted to let you know that is has helped me so much. It's just great to know I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is normal under the circumstances.

I do see a therapist (I haven't been able to afford it for a few months but I'll get back to it) and she's helped me with certain aspects but I haven't told her the half of it. I still feel embarrassed about it which I know I shouldn't, you probably know yourself that it's hard.

I have been writing down and making lyrics and piano pieces of what I've been feeling and things I've been repressing and it seems to be helping though I do get triggers. Even now just having a lovely date night and I thought of one tv show which just brought me right back. I try not to always bring it up to my current boyfriend because it mustn't be nice hearing about it but the feelings are so intense it's hard to ignore...

Does anyone else get these triggers?

Thank you-Anonymous

janine
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Admin

Posts: 1,185

Post-abuse Mar 15, 2017 16:57:05 GMT

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Post by janine on Mar 15, 2017 16:57:05 GMT

Yes, it is very hard to open up in therapy about certain things. Give yourself all the time you need.
It's ok!

It is not your fault that you are experiencing flashback etc. Those are all very normal reactions to trauma.
PTSD is complex, and I always recommend working with a licensed professional therapist, which you are doing.

In the meantime, go with what feels right.
It's ok to say "I am not feeling good right now." You are not being a burden or a problem.
You are a normal person who experienced something traumatic. Like a war veteran. The trauma is very similar actually.

It's not your fault, and it will get better over time, especially with therapy.

Anonymous
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Post-abuse Mar 26, 2017 16:53:03 GMT via mobile

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Post by Anonymous on Mar 26, 2017 16:53:03 GMT

Thank you. You're right, I've been looking up PTSD etc and it feels exactly like what's going on with me at the moment.

I've been having a bit of an inner war with myself recently and don't know whether to go to the police to give some sort of a statement. Coincidentally my mum (until recently) worked in the RCU (rape crime unit) which also dealt with domestic and sexual abuse cases. I know I could always ask her for advice but that's the last thing I would want to do right now.

Would you recommend this? I just don't want someone else having to go through the same and trying to report it but there not being any previous reports go back then up too.. Completely torn, the last thing I want is for him to have contact with me though.

Post by Anonymous on Mar 1, 2017 9:32:15 GMT

Post by janine on Mar 2, 2017 0:10:16 GMT

Post by Anonymous on Mar 14, 2017 23:06:41 GMT

Post by janine on Mar 15, 2017 16:57:05 GMT

Post by Anonymous on Mar 26, 2017 16:53:03 GMT

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