Post by bubba on Feb 27, 2017 18:19:10 GMT
So here's the story. I left my first wife for my current wife. While my first marriage had its problems, I certainly don't remember it being like this, and I've discussed with my first wife what our marriage was like asking if I was passive aggressive, manipulative, controlling, abusive, etc. She says not at all. She even lets me stay in the house when I travel over to visit my son.
On to the current situation. My relationship with current wife has always been a roller coaster ride of emotions. The cycle goes in about 9 month cycles, where she just chips away at me making me feel smaller and smaller and the continuous passive aggressive manipulation gets to me and some tiny thing makes me snap. I storm out of the house and barrage her with abusive texts and emails. Finally I calm down and go crawling back thinking that I am broken and that she's the only person that could love me. We have previously gone to counselling and it always focused on my anger mgmt issues. But 2 instances come to mind, that really bring some clarity to the issue. 1 I told her I felt like I was in last place in the marriage behind her hobby, job, and our daughter. She replies every marriage has its ups and downs get over it. 2 A couple of times I have told her I feel like she thinks I don't add any value to the relationship. She replies' 'well, if you think that then clearly you don't add any value'
Over the last 2 years I have given up loads of work so I could take care of our daughter so she could focus on her job and her triathalon training, done all the household chores only to be belittled and unappreciated for my efforts and to be made to feel like less than a man for not giving her what she wants. We've had sex twice in the last year and their has been no intimate contact (holding hands, hugs, etc) and we hardly sleep in the same bed.
I found myself smoking weed on a daily basis to try and hide from my emotions. It finally came to a head when we were having dinner out and she told me she didn't want me working away and following it up with all the triathalon plans she had for the next year. I told her I didn't want to talk about it right now and she just kept on. Once we got outside I screamed 'I hate my life'. I stayed at a friends house and followed up with another barrage of abusive texts and emails. I begged to come back but she said no and we're getting divorced. Funny enough I haven't had a puff of weed or a drink since I left.
Clearly it was a toxic relationship, but am I the abuser ?
On to the current situation. My relationship with current wife has always been a roller coaster ride of emotions. The cycle goes in about 9 month cycles, where she just chips away at me making me feel smaller and smaller and the continuous passive aggressive manipulation gets to me and some tiny thing makes me snap. I storm out of the house and barrage her with abusive texts and emails. Finally I calm down and go crawling back thinking that I am broken and that she's the only person that could love me. We have previously gone to counselling and it always focused on my anger mgmt issues. But 2 instances come to mind, that really bring some clarity to the issue. 1 I told her I felt like I was in last place in the marriage behind her hobby, job, and our daughter. She replies every marriage has its ups and downs get over it. 2 A couple of times I have told her I feel like she thinks I don't add any value to the relationship. She replies' 'well, if you think that then clearly you don't add any value'
Over the last 2 years I have given up loads of work so I could take care of our daughter so she could focus on her job and her triathalon training, done all the household chores only to be belittled and unappreciated for my efforts and to be made to feel like less than a man for not giving her what she wants. We've had sex twice in the last year and their has been no intimate contact (holding hands, hugs, etc) and we hardly sleep in the same bed.
I found myself smoking weed on a daily basis to try and hide from my emotions. It finally came to a head when we were having dinner out and she told me she didn't want me working away and following it up with all the triathalon plans she had for the next year. I told her I didn't want to talk about it right now and she just kept on. Once we got outside I screamed 'I hate my life'. I stayed at a friends house and followed up with another barrage of abusive texts and emails. I begged to come back but she said no and we're getting divorced. Funny enough I haven't had a puff of weed or a drink since I left.
Clearly it was a toxic relationship, but am I the abuser ?
