Question about keeping a calm marriage

Hey Brownie,

Please do not apologize - for not writing or for being with your abusive husband. Many women find it hard to leave and it takes a few attempts.
I hope you are keeping yourself safe when he has major blow ups and chooses to attack you physically- in the end YOU know this abuser better than all of us.

Shelters and DV organizations sometimes advise things like: If you feel a physical attack is coming up, try and change locations to the bedroom. NEVER the bathroom. The reason behind that is that if the abuse takes place in a room that has more soft parts (your bed, carpet, cushions) you will maybe get less severe physical injuries.

I am not sure but think I remember you have talked to a shelter before, is that right? But your husband and a pastor in your community kept you very much locked up? I hope i don't confuse that now with another woman who posted a while back.

Give yourself credit for being able to talk about this. It must be incredibly hard to live with someone who brainwashes you, who has a community around him to control you outside of your home as well and who has done this for years.

Just know deep inside you is that core of your self- the part he- and NOBODY-can ever ever destroy. That is the part talking to you right now - asking you to reach out and talk about what is happening.

Let us know how you feel and are doing now if that feels comfortable. We are here to listen. We do not judge your decisions.
All of us are very familiar with traumatic bonding/stockholme symdrome.


Hang in there!!!

Hi, Brownie!

Wow, it is sure good to hear from you. I am sorry he has intimidated and tricked you into going back, but that is nothing YOU should feel ashamed of. It is very common that abusers make promises and try to make you feel guilty about asserting your own needs. He is the one who should be ashamed.

The first thing you have to realize is that you are not being a bad wife, and there is really nothing you can do to assure he is happy. You sound like one of the most loving and helpful people I've ever known. I don't think it's because you're not being helpful. I think the problem is that he and the fake pastor heading this pretend Christian church are constantly figuring out ways to make sure you can't win.

The best you can do is be safe, and I think the best way to do that is to recognize the game they are playing with you. If you see that you are being set up in a no-win situation, you can be prepared to do the safest thing, knowing that there is no "right" thing to do. Sometimes the safest thing is to go along with the game, and sometimes it is to be sneaky and get away with what you can, like when you used to bury the money in the garden or when you used the laptop to contact outside people without their knowledge. But believe me when I tell you, there is no way to be a "good enough" wife.

How are your son and daughter doing? Are you in contact with them? I know that your son was a particularly good support to you. I hope you are continuing to stay in contact. It may be you will need to make a quick escape some time soon, and you will want to keep his number handy because he'll help you. It is important to have an emergency escape plan ready, because you know he is always a risk to escalate to physical abuse.

How have they been treating you since you went back? Is anything different? Better or worse? Still having to do "lessons?" I'd be interested to hear. My hope is that they are a little worried about pushing you too far, because you've turned them in before. But it is a faint hope. It is more common that they punish you more severely for leaving "the fold."

Good to hear you're excited about Easter and Spring! It is so beautiful here in Oregon. I remember Pennsylvania very well, and it is gorgeous there, too. I particularly liked the mountain laurel, and the red cardinals returning to the trees.

Let us know how things are going!

---- Steve

Hi Brownie! I'm so glad to hear from you. I don't really know that I have much advice to give you. I just want to say love and hugs to you!

Hey Brownie,

It is always SO good to hear from you and Steve, FinallyFree, me
and many others are happy to have you with us here!

There is no shame in what you did or do.
There is no blame in your desire to be treated as a human.
THAT is what God intended you to be and do!

To question if emotional, sexual and physical abuse is ok. Because that voice deep down in your heart, which tells you to question what they do- is the voice you were born with.

The one that is connected to the vine, that is God.


How can these men preach love when they exploit people, including you?

That was the first thing that came to my mind when I thought about the priest and your husband forcing you to attend their "lessons".

I also think that God is crying WITH you when you find yourself in those moments of absolute spiritual abuse by these men.
Our God does NOT want any of His children to suffer like you do.

God has NOTHING to do with what THEY do. BUT....God is inside your heart and soul, guiding you out of this tunnel and into safety. He is that voice that tells you it is OK to want to not be yelled at all the time.

What is being done to you is NOT what He has in plan for your entire life. These men use God and your faith to persuade you to live like a dog and be treated like a piece of garbage.


They really control and violate your every human basic right to live in safety, pray surrounded by love, walk with a free heart and soul, have your children close to you and feel loved, protected, warm, connected and supported.

It is OK that you went back to them. You do not need explain to us why you are there- we understand!!!!

It takes most people who escape cults just as many times as it takes abused women in the outside world to get away.

The mean thing about cult abuse - which is what you are experiencing- is that they not only violate your body, mind and soul, they also try and reprogram your mind to think "God wants this, I as a woman and wife have to obey."

What God....would have ....THIS.... as a plan .....for .....ANYONE?

It is NOT His plan.


It id NOT why you were born.

You have a purpose.

God put you on this earth because you are needed by your children in the real world.

You have gifts to give, you are worthy of love in so many ways!

You are enough.

You are strong and are being called by God to defend His creation, which IS YOU!!!!

YOU MATTER!

It is the sick mind of a psychopathic wanna-be-priest and the abusive man you were married to many, many years ago to who created this situation.

Aren't they in such a wonderful place to make you their slave if you think about it?

They isolated you. They do not allow you outside contact. They punish you in all possible ways so that you spend your life walking on eggshells.

If they claim God wants this, what can you as a faithful person say against it?
But I urge you gently to ask yourself the question:

Who are THEY to claim this is what your GOD wants?


I have seen this before and you probably too, when people abused God (any God really) to control human beings.
Adolf Hitler did similar things in Germany, claiming he was doing the right thing by God. Would you say these people deserved to die in the camps? Do you think Warren Jeffs who raped young children and married over 60 women was right in doing so just because he, as a human being, claimed to do what God wanted? I am just giving you other examples where one or more humans, used the idea of a higher being to control, to spread fear and violence.

To finish I would like to share one of my favorite bible verses with you:


Jeremiah 29:11-13

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


Listen to your heart Brownie.

God is working inside of you to help you out of this. He suffers WITH you because you were NOT meant to be a slave.

There is a world out there. And what a stunning, amazingly beautiful, safe, vibrant, warm, sunny and exciting one!
With music of whatever type you might like, food you can choose, friends to sit around with to have tea and coffee with, long walks alone in a beautiful forest. Movie theaters with amazing shows, dancing, breathing deeply and fully, happy churches with REAL priests who would NEVER touch you, who would talk to you always with the most respect and in a calm voice, with people who hug you, not harm you. With animals to hug and cuddle, grass to walk on barefoot, the beach!, ......and so much more.....

I understand how scary it is. But you are not facing this path alone.

There is "exit counseling" available once you get yourself into contact with the outside world and are in a sane, safe and human environment. These programs help in a gentle and supportive way to transition victims of religious abuse to find joy in the REAL WORLD, the world God created for us. Your children can help find such a program, help you move far away from this cult.

You do not do this for me, or Steve, or anyone here.
You do not do this for your children.

You do this because God has such a great life for YOU waiting out there, people who truly love others, who help, who LIVE their faith.

I hope my words found you with a smile. Don't apologize for staying with the abusive cult.
Dont apologize for being who you are and what you do. Dont apologize for asking for help.

You have a RIGHT to be accepted, to be helped, to be heard and to have witnesses to your sufferings.

-----

The only thing I am asking you is that please try in your next post to NOT talk badly against yourself. They do that for you so why add another negative voice?
Try and phrase positive things about you. Your brain is like a muscle, what you feed and repeat is what you think and believe and do in the end.

I for one thing you are smart and strong to survive this abuse and STILL wanting to live and ask for a better life by reaching out.

So try this- next time you catch yourself write or THINK things like:

"I think I see and agree I can never do anything right even though I try."
"I know I'm not very bright."
"I hope it's ok for me to post"
"I know you must hate replying to me and im sorry I'm so pathetic"



Change them to:

I KNOW I am a worthy human being with the right to be loved. I KNOW I have the right to post on this forum because
Steve, Janine, FinallyFree and many others do NOT get paid to be there and reply, they LIKE doing it and CHOOSE to do it because they
WANT to. I know I make good decisions and trust my gut feeling. I know I do not have to apologize for who I am, for what I feel and what I think. I know I am very bright and intelligent because even though I have been abused in the most terrible ways for so long, I can see my inner light shine.

I can see God wanting me to love myself, to respect my human rights and to be kind, forgiving and gentle with myself.


And to finish I would like to answer your question:

"This is something I chose a long time ago when I said I do.
If I give up then I have given up on God and my hope and faith in him to fix this. Right?"

Here is my answer, which I copied from an article on the Hiddenhurt Website on religious abuse


----

Many people think that the Bible has very little to say about abuse, and yet there are countless bible verses which speak clearly and definitely on the subjects of domestic abuse and domestic violence.

Quite often, if we as victims approach and confide in an elder, priest, or member of our Church, hoping for some support and encouragement, we can leave feeling even more guilty and trapped than we did formerly. We may be told that the abuse is due to our own lack of submissiveness, or our own sinfulness, that we would not suffer if our faith was greater, or that we will be rewarded in the next life for the suffering we experience in this one (!?!). I have heard of women who have been told earnestly by their vicar that it would be better for them to die at the hands of their abusive husband than to seek a separation and protection for their children!

The question, however, for every Christian person should not be what does our Church say about our situation, but what does the LORD say to us in the Bible, according to which both our Church should be based, and more importantly, according to which we, as individuals, should try to live?

Many passages in the Bible speak out on the issue of violence, and GOD's attitude toward those that repeatedly use violence:

Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.

Zephaniah 1:9 In the same day also will I punish all those that leap on the threshold, which fill their masters' houses with violence and deceit.

Psalms 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.

Malachi 2:16-17 “I hate [...] a man’s covering his wife with violence, as well as with his garment.” says the Lord Almighty...."You have wearied the Lord with your words.” “How have we wearied him?” you ask. By saying “all who do evil are good in the eyes of the Lord, and he is pleased with them,” or “Where is the God of justice?”. (NIV alternate translation)

In a similar way, 'wrath' or anger is condemned as being sinful, as is sexual abuse:

James 1:19,20 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Ephesians 5:3-5 But fornication (note: that is to say, sexual immorality, including sexual abuse), and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.
For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God


_____

Here is the link with even more verses if you are interested.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/bible_verses.html


Hang in there and keep yourself safe- you know these abusers best and how to protect yourself.
We are here for you - always.


Thank you for sharing and keeping us up to date how you are doing!

It is SO ok to struggle with believing in your own self worth and to want to apologize.

I too had to work on not shaming myself constantly. How about you keep that apologizing and submissive way for the abusers and
just try and see how it feels to NOT shame yourself with us? To just experiment with this little, safe online place for now and see how it feels to be kind, loving, gentle and patient with yourself. And you can also create that safe spot in your heart and mind.

Your brain is like a muscle and if you start maybe with one simple exercise
(quietly and safely in your mind - because it sounds like you are being observed 24 hours a day and I do not want you to risk your safety)

Here it goes- it is called "Affirmations" and is used in cognitive behavior therapy to train your mind to be more self-loving (and therefore God loving!! Because you ARE God's creatin and if you love and treat yourself well, HE too smiles!!!!)


Think in your head of 5 affirmations. Or 3. Whatever you feel is comfortable for now and that you can memorize.
I for example started with:

I have purpose
I am worthy
I am being loved unconditionally by my God (if you are not Christian you can replace "God" with "the Universe/Nature/Allah" really whatever your faith is)
I am a precious human being and deserve to be loved
.....
When you have chosen the 3 or 5 or more (or less) affirmations that feel ok for now, you memorized them and maybe you can speak them quietly under the shower where nobody can hear you. Take at least 5 DEEP BREATHS before you do it. You can be anywhere if you say these affirmations in your mind alone- where it is just you and God.
The breathing is important because deep, calm breaths (count till 4 for the inbreath and then until 6 for the outbreath -always breathe out a bit slower and longer than you breathe in- calms down your heart rate and stress level.

If they make you work physical stuff like house cleaning etc. that too is a wonderful time where you can repeat those affirmations you chose quietly in your mind. Over, and over and over again. It is like a prayer between you and God. Your brain will catch up over time and it will have an easier time thinking: wait a second...IAM WORTHY, I DESERVE BETTER....




Here are some more affirmations from a DV website and it is called 'bill of rights'

Relationship Bill of Rights
I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
I have a right to follow my own values and standards
I have the right to say no and not feel guilty.
I have the right to experience and express my feelings.
I have the right to feel safe.
I have the right to take time for myself.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to ask for information.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to do less than I am humanly capable of doing.
I have the right to be me and feel good about myself.
I have the right to leave conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated
I have the right to act only in ways that will promote my dignity and self-respect.
I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m afraid”.
I have the right to end the relationship.
I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
I have the right to expect honesty from others
I have the right to all of my feelings
I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, my judgments, or any reason that I choose.
I have the right to change and grow.
I have the right to be happy.
I have the right to make friends and be myself around people.
I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
I have the right to both experience and let go of fear, guilt, and shame.




Listen to your heart, God IS with you and working within you right now.

He never left you.


We are always here, no matter what you do and how you feel. Try and at least with us to use positive language with yourself- when you talk about yourself.
They control you so that for the most part you do not have that- and it does not feel right or good, does it?
So why not try something else that causes no harm and worst case, it will not do anything bad and just not help. But...if it DOES help to use positive language about yourself in your thoughts and words here, how cool would that be!!! It is really a win/nothing to lose anyways- situation. big smile here and big hug your way Brownie.

You are doing a great job at keeping yourself as safe as you can and to survive the day to day human abuse.

Tons of energy and beautiful connecting prayers with God this weekend!!!

You are a blessing for us too because I BET there is at least one visitor on our forum who is also experiencing spiritual, if not also cult abuse, and he or she will
gain strength from seeing that you too want to believe more in God than in a human (the pastor and your husband)

God loves you.....

He cries when you cry because He did NOT want you to be a work horse slave. ....

He also does not need a self-announced 'priest' or husband to communicate with you.....

YOU have God in your heart and He has yours. ....


I will end with my confirmation psalm, which reminded me when I was in an abusive relationship how God is NOT violence and how
we are all born equally, with a purpose and a gift to give to this real world, outside of the cult you live in. God has plans for you and those are soooo much greater and more loving than the sick mental brainwashing these men put you through.

I am proud of you.
I think you are strong and brave and worthy.
Most importantly you also do not need me or anyone to tell you that Because it is in your own heart where you
tap into that ancient wisdom in your gut, soul and heart- where He is communicating with you to love and protect you from this abuse.

As for the 'practical' steps- if you do at one point of your life get away from these men, you can ask your children to involve professional help. There are specialized counselor who can help you do the exit-counseling. To slowly ease into reality and life outside of the cult. It IS scary. It is difficult. But....it also has hope, warmth, love, energy and light at the end of the tunnel. Which....the cult you live in right now, has none of the above.




John 4:16

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

That is ok too you know. We are here even if you do not feel ready to make any decisions right now. I am thankful you comment here for others and I know they greatly appreciate your view on their situations!!

Nice! A little freedom and time to connect with yourself, I bet that was much needed and feels amazing!
Free spirit high five

What God would want a mother to not be allowed to see her BABIES??

That is what I asked myself.....


I speak for all women when I say: I would be THRILLED to be alone for a while and not see an abusive man who claims to be a man of faith and who abuses me in all possible ways.

You go girl!!!!

Take deep breaths and enjoy that freedom, the excitement you feel about this freedom, THAT is God talking to you, reminding you of your basic human rights.


There is always turmoil inside you because you have been brainwashed to think you need to kill your own personality and joy for life for a sick, sick man,
That is why!!!!


Now put a big smile on your face, stay SAFE and I hope you and the kids have tons of fun. How I wish you would just leave with them and go to a safe house, destroy your phone, change your email, move far far away from where you are and live the rest of your life free and happy, just how God wanted it. Free of the misplaced guilt and shame, free of abuse. Just happy around your kids and future grandchildren. With the help of a shelter slowly learning how to function in our normal world and work through this religious abuse trauma with a good counselor.

A woman IS allowed to dream

Stay safe!!!! You have gotten so good at knowing how to take care of yourself, keep up the good work!!!
Big hugs and tons of energy your way sister.

Colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Corinthians 3:16-17

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.