janine
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Post by janine on Feb 17, 2017 15:39:13 GMT
To have compassion for your SELF and take good care of your SELF are two of the most important habits we can learn to do, in order to
either help us get away from an abusive partner, or not feel attracted to one in the first place.
Steve McCrea's book 'Jerk Radar' is a great example of self-care, because in it he talks about how we can spot an abuser before we get too involved. It is our right to select a safe partner, and we have the right to say 'no' to unhealthy partners. Even if we have already invested time and resources into a relationship. You can test someone you just met, and I believe if we practice good care of the self, no abuser will ever stand a chance of wiggling his or her way into your life.
You do not ever owe anyone anything. Ever.
I am still learning that one.
The only time in which I'd say yes, we owe someone something, is when we have a child/children and need to keep them safe, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
That is the only time when we should put someone else's care before our own self-care. Leaving a an abusive partner is also taking good care of your children.
Lundy Bancroft also talks a bit about this, about the so called 'red flags'.
How I wish I had known all of this 8 years ago, when I met my abusive ex boyfriend.
But I didn't know it, and that's ok.
It is not my fault.
- and that....is self-compassion.
To be kind to yourself. To not beat yourself up or shame yourself for being in a domestic violence situation right now, or for having been in one in the past.
It wasn't your fault.
At no point in time did you want to experience abuse.
No matter where you are, whether you have just started dating someone and he/she feels a bit 'off', or maybe you have been married for a long time and feel like there
is no way out and it really isn't all that bad, or maybe, you are thinking about an Ex and wonder if he or she has truly changed and is finally that perfect partner after all.
Self-care can include many things.
Like saying 'no' to sex for a few months when you first meet someone new. This gives you time to see what the hormones are making you not see (manipulation, early red flags etc.) and
it allows your body to not get too attached to this new human being.
Now that this experience is behind me, I would like to say "I will never date an abusive partner ever again!!!"
But I cannot be sure of that. The second we have unmet needs, and we almost always do, we are vulnerable and can fall for a person that is manipulative and unhealthy for us.
But we can always take good care of ourselves so that we do not rely on others so much to make us feel happy or safe or ok or good enough.
Today, self-care looked like taking a long walk before work in the sun. It's still cold where I live but ...spring is on its way. The birds were singing, and it was a simple walk.
But I enjoyed every step. I had a healthy breakfast, and I will be drinking a lot of water and tea today. Tonight, I plan on taking a nice bath, read a book, and then watch some Netflix without feeling bad for not working late for once. I might even buy that extra expensive floss to give my teeth the extra healthy edge. Hah!
8 years ago I often skipped flossing because I was so stressed out about the court dates etc. and I felt like it would be impossible to get a real normal life back.
How I wish I could go back and hug that young woman back then, and tell her she would be ok. That it was not her fault. Maybe it feels right to do the same to your younger self, and offer compassion and understanding for her or his experiences. It wasn't your fault.
Today, self-compassion looked like not beating myself up for not being in my career where I thought I 'should' be. Or for worrying if 'the DV experience made me broken goods for the rest of my life'.
Or because I experience anxiety and depression I might think 'I am mentally ill and I will never be ok.' That's when self-compassion comes in.
Today, I gently observed the toxic self-shaming thoughts I got used to whilst growing up with a very narcissistic mother, for whom nothing I did was ever good enough. I understand now that I have unmet needs for belonging, feeling loved and feeling lovable, feeling heard and feeling seen and believed. I have an unmet need for validation of my feelings, because at home I was not allowed to express feelings for 20 years.
Now, I invite my feelings. They all matter. Emotions speak a language, and like all feelings, they pass. They come and go. I try to be extra kind to myself and whisper to myself in difficult moments:
"This is hard right now, isn't it sweetheart? It will be ok. This too passes. You are enough and you are doing enough. Be gentle and kind to yourself."
I used to self-harm a lot by slapping myself or punching my stomach when I felt like I was being lazy or stupid or deserved to date an abusive guy, because....I felt like my mother was right and I was broken goods and invited problems into my life on purpose because I wasnt like she thought I should be.
Now I know that all I wanted and needed, were basic human things. Love, belonging, home, attachment, validation...etc.
The longer I practice self-care and compassion. the better I am able to meet these needs. Self-care includes things like calling a DV hotline when you feel like it is all a bit much to digest by yourself right now.
Self-care means to eat well, to get enough sleep, to take that walk outside, to do what you like. To listen to music you enjoy. To say no to people and to not feel responsible for pleasing others at the expense of your own well-being, time, and energy.
You deserve to take good care of yourself, and to feel with and have compassion for your current experience and your past experiences.
You deserve to grieve the traumatic experiences for as long as they need to be grieved.
What did self-care look like for you today?
And what about self-compassion today?
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 18, 2017 3:37:31 GMT
Hi Janine..I love what you wrote! Thank you for posting this!
Self Care for me today..acknowledging how nice it is to look in the mirror and see that my skin is clear and healthy. I suffered with skin breakout until about 2 1/2 years go after I left the ex husband and ex boyfriend. That stress being gone cleared up my skin. I smile at myself and it helps me feel good because I know I am healthy. I bought myself my favorite pizza for dinner. My boyfriend wanted something else..I told him we can eat together, but different food..he was fine with that.
Self compassion...I have had many thoughts lately about my current relationship. I am trying to figure out why I feel a certain way about things. I start to question things and I start to look at some of his behaviors and I worry that they will become abusive. They have not..but I still worry. I have thoughts about why things in our relationship are different than when we started out. He has become comfortable, secure, confident in my love for him. He trusts me. I on the other hand have doubts at times..I am still very scared of the relationship being wrong or bad. I don't want to let my guard down..it is too risky. This man tells me everyday that he loves me. He is very good..but there are things that are probably "normal" in a relationship that I have a habit of seeing as a problem. My self-compassion is to give myself a break, to tell myself that being smart about relationships is ok. Having doubts is ok. It will come and it will go. My "gut" is working in "overtime" and I am trying to tell myself that it is OK.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 18, 2017 13:44:24 GMT
"...being smart about relationships is ok. Having doubts is ok."
Yes, very very true!
Thank you for sharing that Karen. And you have the right to give yourself all the time you need to feel if this is right for you.
It took me forever to REALLY trust my now husband. Literally years. Of course he made mistakes, like we all do, but my DV radar and fight or flight button was jammed, so maybe only within the last two years really (7 together total) I started to let him in.
And if I am really really honest, only within the last 6-10 months it has been - what I assume hah! - is "normal" relationship -relating.
Before I was always having one foot out the door, just in case. My husband had maybe 4-5 bad moments in those 7 years. And by 'bad' I mean he once raised his voice, one single time, and I of course labelled him as abusive right away. We talked it through and that was years ago.
Now I trust that he is with 100% certainty not abusive, he is kind, compassionate, caring, and safe. But boy, I think having had very controlling parents and an abusive ex, will stay with me for the rest of my life. It won't control my life, but like you said I want to give myself a break and realize it's ok to be smart and careful.
Have a nice weekend!!
We are off for a nice hike in nature as it is finally warming up outside.
More good self-care today. Then some more Netflix (oh boy once you get hooked, you get hooked on a series)
And if you ever feel the need to run some of his behaviors by Steve and I and the forum, please feel welcomed to do so,
or shoot us a private message. I remember when I started dating my husband I posted here and needed Steve's and the other members feedback. I simply did not trust myself just yet.
I also talked to a counselor at my college, which helped a lot.
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 21, 2017 3:53:18 GMT
Hi Janine..thank you for your reply. I can relate to everything you said. I read your post and said "Oh yeah,,I know that feeling".
I do have "one foot out the door" most of the time. I tell myself many times that I can and will just walk away if I have to. It is my way of protecting myself. I know that.
My guy has made a few mistakes. And I have been very sensitive to them. At times perhaps an "alarmist", I have been looking for red flags. I have learned that if I look for them I will find them. I am very good at finding the negative. Focusing on the positive at times, scares me. Mostly because having a "healthy relationship"...just doesn't always seem possible. Somehow there just has to be something that will happen to make it all wrong. I can hear my mother's voice in my head questioning my judgement.."are you sure he is a good one". She has never said this..but I suspect she would at some point because she always has.
My guys has a lot of his own issues that he is working through. So two "damaged" people trying to help each other while trying to help themselves is tough at times. He goes to counselling, he meditates, he does yoga, he did the therapeutic writing class with me, we have gone to several classes to help us find modalities to learn to cope with abuse. His mother is a Narcissist, she abuses him still. I have seen it...she is a piece of work. She is married to the nicest man you can imagine..my guy loves his Stepfather and does everything he can to help his stepfather cope with an abusive wife. My guy's father left when he was 14 because of the mom being abusive. My guy adored his father..and he left him behind. Abandonment. My guy is very shy, anti-social at times..doesn't like crowds, doesn't like to talk to people much. He is better 1:1. He was bullied as a child and teen, he has ADHD(he compensates well for this but he can forget things and can be very impulsive), he is a huge nerd/geek and the 2 major relationships he had..he married both. His mother is extremely religious and used religion as a way to abuse her children. She still does this. My guy also is separated from his wife...they are not divorced yet (this is my issue with him). She apparently cheated on him, she lied, she has Bipolar, she can't hold a job, she uses her 17 year old daughter (whom my guy loves) to get her to ask for money from my guy, she is not nurturing towards her kids and has gotten evicted, had her car repossessed and drinks alcohol.
My guy has a heart of gold. He has some pretty deep hurts going on. He has shared many of those hurts with me..and many he has kept to himself. He is a gentleman. The kind that always has others go first through a door, he carries my groceries and puts them away, he will do just about anything I ask and much more. He has dinner ready for me every time I go over his house. He tells me he loves me everyday, he never pushes the future on me, we are committed to each other but talking about the future scares me and probably him on some level. He knows I don't want to live together until my daughter goes away to school and he respects that. He never pushes marriage or living together. He has no key to my place, and I don't to his place. He and I have no access to each other's bank accounts or cell phone passwords or computers. We have boundaries and we don't cross them. He goes places with me just because he wants to be with me. I can go on and on about the good in him.
The issues I have are a few. Because he is an introvert and as ADHD and deals with stress in a very different way..he tends to become very focused inward. I perceive him to forget about me when he is dealing with stress, or an emotion, or whatever is on his mind. My head knows he really doesn't forget about me..I just feel like if he isn't paying attention to me, then he must be bored with me, tired of me, I am not what he really wants, he is ignoring me, or he is just using me for sex and really doesn't like me. All these horrible thoughts go through my head and I come to the conclusion that he is giving me the cold shoulder, that I really don't matter to him, and he is abusing me. I start to try and fix my thought process and then I tell myself wait..maybe I am trying to talk myself out of what really is and that is he is abusive. I can talk myself into many many negative things. I get to crying, I think I have to break up with him, that I will never find a good guy, and then I approach him and get myself all worked up into thinking he doesn't want to talk to me about it, he use to tell me I was overthinking things and I would disagree and after several rounds of this..he was exhausted by my emotional roller coaster. BUT he never called me names, he didn't make me feel bad, he always listened and if I said my feelings were hurt he would apologize and admit that he didn't realize what he was doing.
So this is just one example of many, of me taking a "belief" I have and really setting off a dominoe affect of emotions and thoughts all because of that one thought. I don't trust my feelings and thoughts. I get myself all worked up into thinking I have chosen badly again. I also realize that I really haven't had a good healthy relationship since I was a senior in high school.(30 years ago) My guy now.?...he reminds me of my high school sweetheart..my first love, my only healthy relationship except for the one I am in now. A guy who treated me decently. I have felt like I have made so many mistakes with relationships in the past..I have a tough time believing that I won't mess up another one in some way. I am constantly looking at behaviors and I know I twist them and make the ABUSIVE. I know they are not. BUT ABUSIVE relationships are what I know. I don't now how to "have a healthy relationship". I know how to be abused..I don't know how to be loved, really, truly, loved just because.
I have taken the JERK RADAR quiz several times. He never scores higher than and "8" and that is because of his driving. He is road rage. He knows this, he knows I hate how he drives, he knows I will yell at him in the car in a second if he gets nasty with other drivers. He was bullied as a kid, teased, picked on, made fun of..if some jerk bullies him on the road..he won't back down..he will fight back..the problem is it scares me to death. SO..we resolved this by me doing most of the driving. BUT then I get concerned because I know I don't drive fast enough for him, I don't always run yellow lights, I don't use my horn enough..etc. We have discussed this issue lots..and he agrees with me that he is an aggressive driver. We agreed that I would do most of the driving and if he needs to "fight back" or be aggressive..he does it when alone. I get those thoughts going in my head that he will get tired of me not doing what he wants and the abuse will start. It doesn't happen that way..but I am prepared should it happen. Again..I get so worked up..I don't know how to not look for abuse.
I will share more later. I have written this post several times already and even just doing that has helped me to see things a bit differently. Thanks for listening! Any thoughts would be appreciated!
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 21, 2017 16:55:02 GMT
Hi Karen,
What a good post, you have a really smart and rational head on your shoulders. Way to go!
It sounds like there is a mix of things going on. He is definitely dealing with serious trauma from both his own mother/childhood, and his ex wife (albeit still legally connected to her via a marriage certificate).
It sounds like he really wants to heal and get better, which can be seen by his own initiatives. He sought out counseling, he does yoga and meditation and other healing and self-caring activities. The road rage and what seems like maybe a form of 'stonewalling' might be a reason to be concerned about, however, like you said he scores under about 8 in Steve's book in terms of the jerk radar quiz. And way to go for using it!!
I have used Steve's quiz and book a few times as I moved away from abuse, and I find it together with 'Why does he do that' by Bancroft invaluable. I know I have unmet needs, and I know I have unconsciously a tendency to feel like I need to convince narcissists to like me and approve of me. This stems from my own mom for whom nothing I ever did or was, was good enough. To the point where she told me I was no longer allowed to use the washing machine, and that the way I touched the fridge door and other kitchen surfaces was not good enough, and left too many greasy fingerprints. (I was 27 at that time...)
Now, I cannot know whether or not he is abusive, or whether the behaviors that do make you feel unsafe, like road rage, are "just" leftovers from having had many traumatic experiences in life. Many people have road rage, but are not abusive or controlling. Many abusers do not have road rage. Road rage can be a sign of an abusive behavior, but does not have to be. In this case we might not be looking at an abusive human being, but rather an unpleasant and dangerous behavior. And behavior can be modified. This is something he could bring up in his counseling sessions with his therapist for example, to explore what is going on, and maybe do some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to find alternative coping mechanisms to deal with the anger he feels while in the car.
The pulling back is something my husband does too and I always always always think it's my fault and he is angry at me.
This also stems from my mom. She would 'stonewall' me and give me the silent treatment as punishment a lot. She would blame me for causing her an existential crisis, several times in her life. (I am a non-smoking, non-drug-taking, debt-free, non-bad-friends-having, healthy, master's degree owning human being, and none of the problems she claims to have could have possibly been caused by me at any point in time of my life....I know that now but it took years of therapy to get there.)
Just a few months ago I was CONVINCED my husband was angry with me/at me. I kept asking and pushing and then got all upset and told him I felt like a burden and problem he had to take care of. That I was too broken to be in a relationship etc. etc. etc.
Poor guy finally said he hadn't even thought of literally anything, and was just tired from a long day at the office. Hah!
We both ended up laughing later on, but I made a mental note...I do tend to catastrophize and it is hard for me to feel the difference between misunderstandings, worrying about being too sensitive (my mom liked to call me that one too) and to accept that ......
....there are people who really like me.
....my husband is with me not because he is bored or doesn't like being alone or wants sex or feels guilty for leaving me, ....
....There are people who truly enjoy that I exist.
That...is the hardest part for me to take in. I am learning that right now.
Even in therapy I worry that my therapist thinks I don't deserve to be helped by him.
But I do.
I deserve the attention and love and validation.
It sounds like you and your partner are taking it super slow and you keep important areas of your life apart for now,
like moving in together and other practical things. We don't have to share a house or bank account or marriage license to be together.
If this is what you both need right now, that is good! You both might need that security and safety, ...and how could you not?
You are being smart and self-caring. Way to go!!
And try to generate compassion for yourself.
It's ok to say in moments like these:
"I know you probably don't mean to do this, but when you do/say this, it makes me feel ...sad....afraid...angry.....lost....confused....ashamed....guilty...etc.
What I need you to do/say is....."
For example, my biggest thing is trust/safety.
I wrote on a Post-it by my desk: "You are safe."
This is about future career decisions and possibly moving etc. and I told my husband I needed him to tell me that I am safe.
Again and again and again.
It's ok to have needs. In fact, it means you have a beating heart and that is great!!
To be needy is not bad. It is hard to express needs in a relationship in a way that makes both parties feel safe and heard and seen.
I noticed my husband used to get frustrated and angry when he felt helpless.
He didn't know how to help me and be with me in difficult moments, when I felt anxious or depressed.
We now talked it through and I told him he cannot solve my life for me, nor do I expect him to.
But what he can do is to remind me I am safe, and that he is right there next to me.
And you know what? It literally took me years to fully trust my sweet sweet husband who doesn't have a single abusive cell in his body.
It's ok though. It is part of me, and I can expect my partner, who chooses to be with me, to have space for that.
You are not responsible for someone else's decisions.
Your partner chooses to be with you for very good reasons. He is a big boy and can do that himself.
The only thing you can do, is to try and find space to let that in.
And boy is that hard, isn't it?
And that's ok. How could it not be hard, after you have had two very traumatizing relationships, and it sounds like you were shamed a lot at home growing up as well.
How would anyone trust herself in that situation? The messages you got all this time were "not good enough" or "not capable enough".
You are not a burden. You are not a problem.
People take great joy in being around you, and feel lucky to have you in their lives.
You take such good care of yourself.
Way to go!!
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 22, 2017 3:31:54 GMT
Thanks Janine..I am nodding my head a lot while reading what you said. I appreciate every word you have written. And it all makes sense.
I don't believe my guy is abusive. I believe he works at making sure he is not. We have talked at length about abusive tactics and what makes someone abusive. He gets it.
I like your words "left overs from traumatic experiences". That makes sense. He has had a really tough upbringing and we spend time with his mother and stepfather (whom I adore) and she is really challenging. I can see what she is and she is textbook Narcissist. My guy is seeing it too and he has anger that he is still working through. His Stepfather is the sweetest man and apparently he is attracted to abusive women as his first wife was also abusive. He is loving, kind, has a lot of patience and my guy has taken on many of those same traits. I really think my guy is still dealing with those "leftovers". He gets very focused on trying to be the best he can be and as a man..he believes he can fix himself and doesn't want me or anyone to tell him how to "fix" the hurts in his life. When something is on his mind..he pulls inward. Pushing him doesn't work and I know I need to let him work it out himself. If he needs me, he will come to me and he has done that. It is just learning to trust that he is working on his own "demons" and that I am not the cause of it. I am learning that it is usually something else that is upsetting to him. He is really good at hearing my concerns and he usually listens and then changes his behavior so that he doesn't hurt me.
One thing we both are learning to do is to put the other's needs first before our own. This is hard. It was not the way we were "taught" to love another. Neither of us had a role model to show us how to do that. We both agree though, that that is the key to a positive relationship.
We have read "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. We have figured out what our "love languages are". And we both give and receive love differently. So that book helped us to really figure out how to care for the other.
You are right..., we are good, kind, compassionate, respectful, loving, caring and I suspect a lot of fun kind of people! People want to be with us...I believe this most of the time, but I am still working on convincing myself of it. I am realizing that my self esteem can get pretty low and that is when the destructive thoughts start to creep in. I try everyday to stay positive and do my "self care and show myself self compassion". It really makes a difference.
Here is a perfect example of my thinking process post abusive relationship...My new guy wants to be with me often..going to the store, the library, the mall etc. ..the victim of abuse "In me" says (A) "is he with me because he loves me and really likes spending time with me?" or (B)"Is he with me because he doesn't trust me and wants to watch over me and control what I do and where I go"? The answer is (A). BUT getting me to believe that sometimes is hard because I have been conditioned to believe the other.
I am so sorry that your Mom was/ is so horrible to you. She has such a great daughter and she treated her like crap. She doesn't deserve your wonderfulness. It is so hard when our parents were not the parents we needed or wanted.
Your husband sounds like a really wonderful guy! My guy has told me too that he just had a long difficult day and he is worry about stuff with his job. I, of course, jumped to the first conclusion that he was ignoring me on purpose and that his mood is my fault. He is the first to tell me, that I am not responsible for his mood or his happiness.
I have post-it notes up telling me that I am a good person. I try everyday to read a devotional and help me stay focused on what is important in my life. I have a faith in the Good Lord above..I try and build on that everyday. I also have other "cues" that help me to stay positive and focus on the "now". Not worry about the past anymore, just focus on "now".
Thanks again Janine, we are both heading in a good direction. And our guys do want to be on this "journey' with us. They see the love in us that we just can't always see ourselves.
And thank you for your well wishes for having a nice weekend. My guy and I celebrated Valentines Day with dinner out and going to my daughters play. We had a lot of fun! The ex-husband was there, lots of feelings arose, we handled it really well and no problems.
These posts have really helped me to see that I am still dealing with the "leftovers" as well.
I had a really great weekend, it was very quiet, uneventful and full of just being together with my daughter and my guy. Nothing better!
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 24, 2017 16:11:33 GMT
That book you mentioned, the 5 love languages, I actually bought it years ago and never read it. Sounds like it is worth a read and I will dust it off this weekend. Thanks for sharing that Karen! And your partner has my compassion. A narcissistic parent can leave deep trauma. Compared to even a year ago I am 100% better, but it took years to move away from this 'not good enough' and self-punitive attitude, towards self-compassion. What a concept, huh! To support yourself? To be a cheerleader for yourself? To generate compassion and kindness for yourself? It is all very new and fascinating for me because it's easy to slip into shame and worry about being too selfish. Chances are, if you had an abusive partner or parent, you cannot ever possibly be too self-kind. I really like the post-its and the daily devotional! It makes such a difference, those little things. Especially over time. Your weekend sounds lovely as well. It's so nice to have a quiet, peaceful, uneventful time to yourself or with people who feel right. Looking back, thepre was always so much drama at home. My mom threatening to divorce her third husband, my mom threatening to smash my stepfather's vase if he wouldn't stop silent treatment. My stefather getting into his 'choleric mode' and everyone walking on eggshells. Phew. Life is so so so much more relaxed now. It takes courage and time and strength and patience to heal. There are days when I worry about bringing the dynamic I learned at home into my marriage. My husband has a list of narcissistic/ abusive behaviors I want him to watch out for in me. If I act in any way shape or form like it, I want him to gently point it out. We have both grown a lot in the time we have been together, and it wasn't always easy. By God are even normal relationships hard, eh?! Good, but hard. Maybe that is why the heart - a strong muscle - is the symbol of love. It could not possibly be a nose or an ear, because they aren't as strong as our heart. I just got back from a lovely lovely walk in the warm spring sun. Lots of smiles to and from strangers walking their dogs.  |
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 25, 2017 22:33:48 GMT
Hi Janine..I like your "list" of behaviors. That is such a good idea! I am so glad the "drama" is out of your life. Peace is such a wonderful thing! And you are so right...we can easily slip into all those negative feelings and thoughts. I need to give my guy a "cheat sheet" so he can know what is going on when I start to get negative and insecure and have my own doubts. Your heart is very strong..you have been through so much and deserve only happiness and peace. Relationships that are the best have their struggles. My guy and I have been together almost 2 years and we both have grown and changed a lot together and separately. I know for me..I still have some growing and changing to do..I am a work in progress..LOL. The next step for us will probably be living together. I know I am not yet ready to share my "space" with a man. I have a dream of what I want in my future. I am not yet willing to change that dream to fit "us" vs "me". He wants a similar dream. And we both know that living together will bring a lot of change. We are not yet ready to make that big change. I like having my "own" home. It is my space, it is decorated the way I want it, it is my furniture and my things. I don't want to change any of that right now. I lived with a man for 21 years (my ex husband and the ex abusive boyfriend). I like being completely in control of my home. SO..this change will come at some point, but when we are both ready. What we have for now works, I am sure though that when I am ready for the next step, it will be with him. He is sure of that too! Today, I got a lovely manicure and new polish on my nails. This is my treat to myself every 3 weeks. It makes me feel pretty and my nails are so healthy! The lady told me my "nails are strong". Made me feel good! It is "spring like" here right now..71 degrees in February and it should be like 35. So enjoying it while it lasts! Yoga tomorrow..looking forward to taking more care of me! Enjoy the rest of your weekend! |
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