Hey Sarah,
I really liked your list of self-care gifts! Way to go!!
Some of the things that work for me are:
1. Nice long walks in nature
2. Reading books about DV/PTSD (not always, but when it feels right)
3. Eating something healthy and homecooked, like a nice big fruit salad with organic natural yoghurt
4. Drinking lots and lots of fresh water to hydrate (reduces stress levels too)
5. A hot shower or bath
6. Buying a new outfit
7. Spending way too much money at my awesome hair stylists salon, getting pampered like there is no tomorrow, and not feeling guilty about the money I spent there.
8. Getting a fresh new Burts Bees Lipbalm. Raspberry or Coconut/Pear. Makes me feel refreshed and light every time I use it!
9. Just got back into knitting and it's so much fun
10. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. I would not be where I am today, without having allowed myself to get help. A good licensed clinical counselor/psychologist is like nothing else on any road of recovery. It doesn't mean every single person NEEDS therapy, I believe in what is right for you. PTSD is complex, and there is no 100% right way/one fits all approach. Things that worked for me were Bibliotherapy (a fancy word for saying you read books that help
) and having had crisis counseling a few months after leaving my abusive ex, and years later long-term counseling with my current therapist to address issues like childhood trauma and the DV experiences.
Anything that works for you, is ok.
I found it to be a process too. I regressed at times into not-so-healthy-methods. For the first few years after leaving my ex I drank too much alcohol. I understand why - I numbed out the pain to function and ....it was the best I could do at that time, with what I had. It's ok. But in general I believe in healthy enough living, so the less alcohol, the better. The more nutritious food and water, the better. The more exercise in nature, the better. And enough sleep of course too.
Just the other day on a blog from a woman who gave up drinking (I am a huge fan of living life sober) I read how she was dealing with the emotional ups/downs of life the sober way, and how a brisk short walk outside in nature often made her feel better. Even if it only made her 5% better, that was STILL 5% better than before, and therefore worth it.
What feels right, is right. Give yourself permission to play. Or to stay home and binge-watch Netflix. Or to take 3 hot baths on the same day. I actually just did that yesterday and it felt great. A nice book to go with it works for me.
Right now I am reading a book on CPTSD - complex ptsd by Pete Walker, and he has a nice list of self-caretaking approaches as well.
This is an excerpt from his website:
www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htmI posted a few of his tips below. Now he is using the word "child" because his focus is on PTSD resulting from childhood trauma, but I think some of the things works for DV survivors as well. I also really liked the book "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek.
Nothing is better than a good enough therapist though, and I always recommend starting with licensed mental health professionals. You can google "warning signs of bad therapy/a bad therapist" and give yourself permission to "shop around" for a therapist that feels good. Not all therapists are good, or a good fit for you, just how it took me 3 attempts to find the right hair stylist in my town. It's ok to say no. It's ok to not like someone. It's ok to keep looking until it feels right to you, and you alone.
I edited out some of the parts that seemed more appropriate for childhood trauma alone, and/or someone who is in therapy.
PTSD is complex, and trauma a very very serious and strong experience. Again, I cannot recommend working with an experienced therapist enough when it comes to PTSD.
MANAGING FLASHBACKS
Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback".
Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
Remind yourself:
"I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.
Own your right/need to have boundaries.
Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child.
The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.
Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child.
(Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)
Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
A.) Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends
unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
B.) Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
C.) Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
D.) Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath,
take a nap.
Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes.
Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
Be patient with a slow recovery process:
it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.