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Post by brownie on Feb 11, 2017 14:45:31 GMT
Hello everyone,
Ok so I keep having feelings of fear and really hoping this is normal. I'm so used to understanding what to do and how to feel with my husband that apart from him it's difficult.
I am so afraid he is right! What if me being on my own is wrong and I will never make it? What if it's true my whole purpose in life is to be his wife? Now let me say I really DONT want to be his wife most of the time.
Another fear- what if I can never move past this? Will I be stuck here forever? Could me struggling be the result of my own selfishness of leaving?
Ok is it normal for me to have these thoughts? I also have lots of fear he will come and get me and take me home and what might ensue after that. I still jump at the smallest things and feel like I'm looking over my shoulder.
I keep hearing in my head that I'm not smart or strong enough to make decisions and be independent and o will end up hurting others become I'm such an idiot. Since I'm struggling so much I wonder if it's true? I also know it's bad to question certain things so I'm all over the place! I'm so sorry if it's confusing but I really need your input
Thanks again
Brownie
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 11, 2017 22:15:32 GMT
No wonder you are having these thoughts, because it is traumatic what you survived.
If it feels ok, you might want to bring this up in counseling with your therapist. Trauma does that, which is why we call it 'traumatic bonding'.
You have my compassion Brownie. This is not your fault.
Just today actually I started feeling a bit depressed and anxious about wondering "whether or not my mother was right, and I am a lazy pig and an ungrateful little princess for whom nothing is ever good enough." Maybe it was normal and ok for my mother to describe to me in pornographic detail how my stepfather made her come, and maybe I was just being too sensitive and too difficult and deserved how she treated me."
The abuse you experienced at not only the hands of the main abuser - your ex husband - and the community - the cult - around him was a whole different ballgame compared
to what I experienced with my mother and father.
If I have moments and days when I question whether or not it was all my fault.....I can only imagine how often you might think there was some truth in what they said and did.
Our brains go into what is called 'cognitive dissonance' when we experience traumatic events. When something bad happens for no reason at all, our brain wants to
find out 'why???' and it is often natural to gain control so to speak by assigning yourself blame = If i am at fault, at least there is a reason for this.
Because in reality we live in a world in which we are not always in control of what happens in life- but that is too much for the brain to digest. The brain wants an answer to make sense of it.
Our world is not just and bad things happen to good people for no reason.
What happened to you was bad, and it happened for no reason. You met a bad man who ended up being married to you, and you got sucked into a cult.
If I still have moments in which I wonder how bad I must have been for mom to slap me so hard that the corner of my tooth fell out and then to ignore me for years because I dared to set boundaries, of course you will have those moments too, in which you think about this.
Your are smart.
You make good decisions.
You did the right thing by choosing to be a mom and grandmother and woman who honors her own life and safety and well-being
Continue what you did and do. It is working.
There will be tough moments, days, weeks maybe even. Those too shall pass.
The moments when you may feel down are storm systems coming through, eventually always leaving.
Trust yourself
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 15, 2017 4:12:28 GMT
Hi Brownie..it is very normal to still have those thoughts and feelings you are having, ABUSE is traumatic, it is devastating, it hurts like no other hurt and all the feelings and thoughts that come with it, all normal.
First thing to remember...HE IS NOT RIGHT. None of what happened to you was your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve any of it!
We have been conditioned to think that what HE thinks is "RIGHT". I suspect that somewhere along your lifetime, you may have been looking for something "solid". Something strong and true. I know I did. I had a lot of difficulty through my lifetime believing in myself and developing a good opinion of me. I looked to everyone else for that validation of my thoughts and feelings and I didn't find what I was looking for. In fact I found a lot of negativity.
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 16, 2017 0:35:22 GMT
They always want to make you feel like you can't make it without them. That's part of the tactics. Survivors who escape often feel lost, like they don't know what to do because the decisions have always been made for them. It is normal, and takes some time to realize that there IS no right way to act except as you are able to decide for yourself what is right.
And leaving is not SELFISH, it is smart! HE was the one being selfish by bossing you around and abusing you! There is nothing selfish about protecting yourself.
But it will take some time for you to FEEL that way. For now, you have to keep TELLING yourself that you did the right thing, your kids are happy that you escaped, and you didn't deserve ANY of what they did to you, because NO ONE deserves that! Keep saying those things to yourself every time you start feeling bad. Repeat them out loud if you have to, ten times over if you have to, and eventually, it will start to sink in.
So to answer your question, YES it is normal to have these feelings, and NO it's not because you've done something selfish.
Hope that helps. Be patient and you will get there!! There IS life after abuse!
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