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Post by xmas13 on Feb 8, 2017 1:13:06 GMT
God its way too much to go into but I stupidly got sucked back in. He text me on xmas morning and that was the start !!! I was ill over xmas and new year but because I had responded he was texting back and forth. He said he had spent weeks and weeks writing an email pouring his heart out as to how so sorry he was for everything he put me through !! And I fell for it big style. He came back to me asking or suggesting I sell my business, rent my flat out we buy an other house and he gives me 25%share in 2 business he currently owns !!! I believed him AGAIN AGAIN !!! Why why why does he do this to me. Up hot I spent all of Jan being questioned, told I was a liar, accused of hiding my phone hiding information, I was a wreck again. He called me no he text me and said if I go and meet a photographer who I had booked to do house shots it was over, I was told to cancel the appointment and do you know I almost did !! But something came over me and I thought no way and I called him tried to reason with him, I lost it and hung up the phone. 3 weeks of shear and utter hell being made to think I am to blame. So hear I am for the 100 time broken and in emotional pain questioning myself and my perspective of what really went on !?? I have now blocked him on my phone and email, he is a dangerous man and I just don't know what he will do next. Why do I see nothing but hope and good when he initially comes back and why is he so very insecure ? Thanks for reading xx
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Feb 8, 2017 1:53:28 GMT
Hey Xmas..welcome back! Missed you and were wondering how you were doing? So sorry to hear he got to you. Abusers are incredibly "skilled" at getting what they want, they know what to say, how to say it, and how to make us crumble and fall back into their "spell".
You saw what was really going on and those red flags hit you hard. Be proud of yourself for seeing the "light" and blocking him. It takes a lot of strength and courage to see it and walk away.
I believe we see what we want to see, maybe even what we need to see when we look at these jerks. We love them and it takes a very long, hard, amount of time to stop that love. We WANT THEM TO BE GOOD...we want it so bad and when we think we see it? We talk ourselves into believing what they are telling us. Because we want to be loved and we want to have the security of being with some one, our brains have been tricked to believe is good for us. He keeps proving over and over and over again how hurtful and ABUSIVE he really is. AND HE IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. NEVER.
UNTIL that fact settles in our brains, we will keep holding out hope. Trying to reason with him got you no where and it will always get you no where. ABUSERS only CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
It's ok Xmas..don't beat yourself up. If you are ready, block him completely and go forward without him. I suspect though, that he isn't done trying to win you back. Stand strong! Xmas..it will be ok!
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 8, 2017 19:26:51 GMT
Hi Karen thank you for your kind words. I have been to hell and back with this man and every time he gets me. I am ashamed to admit I loved him and held on to the picture perfect picture he painted, year after year only to be continually abused. Every time I open up honestly to his endless questions and try to comfort him with his own demons I'e: a secret child to his ex who he still abuses and the death of his wife by MS and how he treated her too. He has been with endless woman over 200 he is 57 and was married for 25 years from a young age, she fell pregnant and they married and I blame him for her condition she had, if he treated her in the same way and most likely worse it's not surprising her body and mind shut down, god I wanted to jump out a moving car a year ago as i just couldn't take it anymore. It's a living nightmare swinging from hating him, missing him and wanting him back !!! I noticed last night on FB that he is now friends with the guy who is doing my new website and my cousins son, none of which he was a week ag, he knows I am in contact with them for various reasons !!! This has shook me up and I don't know what to do I have blocked him on phone and email, but I feel he has done this to monitor to contact and content of any messages to both. I felt sick when I realised. I feel like speaking to them as I fear he will poss question them and poss blacken my reputation !!! What do I do ? I just can't believe I am back to this again. Two weeks before xmas I actually said to my friend I am the happiest I have been in years !! Xx
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 9, 2017 0:09:23 GMT
Hi, Xmas,
Hey, it's good to hear from you again! Don't feel bad - it happens to almost everyone in such a relationship. I guess sometimes you have to just go back and test to see if your perceptions were correct the first time, since these jerks are SOOO good at making us doubt what we see before our eyes. In any case, it appears he has validated your earlier assessment with interest.
So what is your plan now that you see that nothing has changed?
Take care of yourself!
P.S. Hi to Karen, too! Hope you're doing well!
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 9, 2017 19:30:03 GMT
Hi Steve, great to get your valued perspective on how to really se through these monsters. I say that and whilst driving home my mind wanders to his recent offer of me sell my business etc and its so painful to realise it was all Bullshite just to real me in.
What am I going to do !!!! I have not a clue I have tried everything, therapy, meditation, blocking him only for him to turn up at my office and last Valentines he sent me a card !!!!! We were not together, that broke me again at the time. So I wait i live my life in his shadow, everything I do I seem to ask myself would he be happy with me doing this, seeing a male business contact for a meeting, going out with my friends. I was out last year and a guy asked for my no, I ended up in tears , my self esteem so so damaged, it's like we are apart but I can't move on out of fear if we do sort things his endless auestions and accusations it's easier just to not too do anything. I just don't know what to do. Eight years of this abuse , I am 52 but have looked after my self so do look a lot younger and have a young outlook but I just cant. I have my businesss, my son and daughter and 1 very good friend whom he hates she is trying hard to keep me busy and away from him !! Some days I feel like ending it all, it's too painful. Advice very much appreciated xx
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Post by sarah on Feb 9, 2017 23:57:00 GMT
Hi xmas..Have you seen your Doctor?I would suggest making an appointment as you sound like you have depression and anxiety and maybe you need some counselling?I was already on antidepressants when I met my ex and had come a long way to find myself having suicidal thoughts too and am now on a higher dosage because of the mental games he played.Your partner and all abusers will say absolutely anything-and sound/appear to be so convincing and that we why we fall for it each and every time.They are masters of manipulation.But once you see through what they are doing-which you seem to have now,it'll be easier to not fall for it again and that is when you can begin to detach yourself away from it all.Don't kick yourself.Start to focus on you and healing.
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 10, 2017 1:17:25 GMT
Hmmm... My first thought is I'm wondering if you were subjected to anyone remotely like him in your earlier childhood? Sometimes it's hard to process the current abuser if there is a past abuser who hasn't been dealt with. My second thought is that perhaps the emotion you may need to explore is ANGER! Are you comfortable being REALLY PISSED at him for what he's done? Sometimes moving through ANGER is necessary to get to a place where you feel indifferent to his BS.
Bottom line, he's still hooking you somehow. He's responsible for his behavior, but you are responsible for your "hooks." If you can figure out what it is that is keeping you from blowing him off, you'll be on the road to re-programming those hooks so you feel more in control.
I hope that helps a little. Hang in there and remember, YOU are in control, even when you feel like you aren't!
--- Steve
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 12, 2017 21:45:57 GMT
Hi Steve thank you for your reply, it's made me think back to my early life, with pain. I can't remember much of my childhood. Both my parents argued and physically fought. My father left several times only to return. I had 3 step brothers the youngest always in trouble and even went to prison. I only just learned the night before my ex left again that I was put in a home for over a month when I was about 4/5 I can't rem that time, my brother told me this. This was due to my mum having cancer of the womb and no one to look after me. This shook me up, I knew I had been in there but I thought as a baby not a young child !! My eldest brother abused my youngest brother sexually and I don't know if it happened to me all my youngest brother says is I tried to protect you !! I went on to have a very promiscuous young adult and fell pregnant with my daughter at 17 !! That hit me hard and I ended up with Bulimia and annorixis this to this day still plagues me. I have had 2 really bad physical abusive relationships one of which put me in hospital unrecognisable and lost a baby. And it goes on allways going for guys who go on to abuse me and I blame me. I did also at a point drink too much and I tried to take my own life but I cried out for help and lucky my friend came to the rescue. My whole life has been a complete mess going from 1 painful experience to the next. I have been trying so hard to move on to try to understand why I continue to allow myself to be abused. My therapist who i have worked with for 2 years believes I go back as self abuse and I do this when I can't handle life being good ?? My mind is scrambled Steve, I am stuck again and it's killing me. I haven't heard from him nor seen him thankfully. So that's my life I don't feel angry I feel sad that I can't get off this heres wheel and I am 52 and all I want is to smile on the inside. Many thanks
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 13, 2017 0:38:16 GMT
That sounds awful! I guess you have validated my theory plus far more than I suspected!
So I am wondering if you've gotten any help processing what happened to you as a child? I am guessing this is holding you back on recovering. It sounds like you may have learned that men are abusive and that your job is to accommodate them. It's very common for women abused as kids to be victimized by adult abusers. It's almost as if they can sense the vulnerability, like a shark smelling blood in the water. Not that I am blaming you in any way - it is no crime to be vulnerable due to being abused as a kid, but it IS a crime to take advantage of someone's vulnerabilities.
And it's never too late to get started. First thing I'd advise is to take a temporary break from ANY romantic relationships until you can sort things out in your own mind. The second thing I'd suggest would be to find a support group for adult victims of abuse as children. If that seems too overwhelming, I'd look for a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma victims. Meanwhile, I would look around for books and articles on the subject of recovering from childhood abuse, and find one or more that you can related to.
It's a long process, but I guarantee you, the better you can deal with your childhood pain and trauma, the easier it will be to disconnect from your current abuser. Meanwhile, NO CONTACT is the best way to keep safe and sane!
Hope that helps. You are very courageous and deserve to be happy!
--- Steve
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 13, 2017 22:26:33 GMT
Hi Steve,
Firstly huge thank you for your advice and insight to my situation.
God I never thought about my childhood being fully abusive, but I do remember snap shots of various things, like being left in the car in the dark whilst my parents were in the pub drinking, my god I would never do that Timmy children or anyone else's children. I grew up with 3 step brothers and 5 boy cousins and a continual drama of some sort going on. I wanted for nothing but seriously lacked love, I always always felt I was in the way, which on reflection I was. When I had my own daughter and married it was a disaster, he drank he kicked me out the bed and woman too, I was 17 years old and had to go into a womans aid hostel, god it was a living nightmare,my mother said you have made your bed you need to lie in it and it was awful, getting really upset typing this.
So u are right I have never really explored this pain and throughout my life I have continually masked this with depression, not eating and alcohol so bad ion passed out and the enviable happened, I can't even write that word.
I truly thank you for your advice and i will take this on board and do something about it. My past therapist who was really expensive worked on the basis that everything that happens to us, is brought to us by ourselves, and for me it's self abuse and as I mentioned when I feel better, things are good I bring my ex back in, not physically but even just by thought and that yearn inside to have him close to me, the power of thought !!
So far he has stayed away and true to form he is currently perusing he friends ex on social media, crystal clear I can see what he is doing, I know her and she is a friend of mine on FB, he is not but he is checking my page and my linked in page !! So i have managed today to steer clear of FB and i will continue to do so, as long as I can. I use FB for my business, otherwise I would just come off completely.
You are a huge help to all of us on here Steve, so thank you again. I will stat with m doctor !
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Feb 14, 2017 3:58:11 GMT
Hey xmas, I am so sorry all this pain is coming up. I have to say I agree with Steve though in that, perhaps if you figure out the pain you have experienced in your younger years. it may give you a lot of insight as to the type of men you find yourself with and why.
I remember being in my therapist's office a while back and crying really hard. I had just realized that my parents were not the parents I wanted them to be or the parents I felt I needed them to be. My father was really controlling and sometimes really hurtful. My mother basically was submissive to him, although she has evolved over time, but she didn't "rescue" me from my father's controlling attitude when I needed her to. I had some anger towards her too. I can't say my parents were abusive, but their style of parenting was more painful and hurtful, then helpful.
I was able to "connect the dots" so to speak. I learned why I was dating the men I was dating and why I was attracted to a certain kind of guy. Because when I looked over my relationships (3 main ones and all were abusive in some way) I saw a lot of common things. Becoming aware of those things helped me to begin to change what I was looking for in a partner. It wasn't easy, but I also knew I had to go through that pain in order to come out the other side and begin to heal. I did it. It took me a while.
One thing I also learned is that I was not responsible for my parent's behavior growing up. I was not the reason they were the way they were. I have changed my relationship with my parents and even with my siblings. My parents don't run my life anymore. I am 51 and only recently did I start to live my life the way I WANTED TO..not the way they believed I SHOULD. This was hard..in some ways it still is. BUT I faced the pain I believe they caused me. I also learned how to be responsible for my own actions and how to do things differently. It has all been a part of my healing journey.
TRUST YOUR JOURNEY Xmas..whatever that may be for your, whereever it may lead you. One thing too..pain can be temporary. It comes, then we let it go. I also learned that I didn't have to keep feeling the pain forever. That I cold acknowledge that it was there, why I was feeling it and then I was done with it. I was moving forward. I didn't want to let it consume me or how I live my life.
You can do this Xmas..glad you are calling our Doctor and proud of you for how brave you are to begin to face the pain you have had in your life. One step at a time, one day at a time. We are walking with you on this "journey". You are not alone!
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