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Post by clarity on Feb 6, 2017 1:24:22 GMT
Hello
I basically walked straight into an abusers arms 22 years ago.
I knew he was violent and abused his previous partners
I believed he would never hurt me because i was different to them
I have left him only to return
He was with his former defacto within a week of my leaving
My family has disowned me
I literally have nobody to help me
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Post by sarah on Feb 7, 2017 5:03:46 GMT
Hi Clarity.A fool you are not-although I understand completely how you feel as I too "walked straight into an abusers arms"(twice!).My ex also told me on meeting about his previous violent history and I too thought that was in his past he would'nt be like that with me.But I bet he was full of charm-and that is the way they suck us in-it's part of the abuse cycle.We get "hooked" on that and it's that that keeps us in these relationships or keeps us going back.
The reason why he went back to a former partner is because once you went, his "source of supply" was no longer there and abusers need that to feel validated and he knew he could get it from someone else who he's taken advantage of before-probably using the same old charm that works for him.
I'd like to recommend the book 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft-it gives you a full insight into how abusers work and opens your eyes to their tactics.But please believe me,you are not a fool.And you are not alone-there is help and support out there-may I suggest you try calling a Domestic Abuse number to get your feelings out and they can direct you towards the best support you can get.And this site is amazingly supportive too so please don't feel alone with this.If you are in any immediate danger then don't hesitate to call the Police-they can help too.I'm sure other posters will get back to you on here so keep us updated.
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
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Post by steve on Feb 7, 2017 21:48:51 GMT
They are very good at fooling us. I would also recommend my own book, "Jerk Radar," which is taken from stories of people on this very message board, and outlines how it is they fool you into thinking things are OK when they aren't. And you're not alone, by any means. This community is a great place to start, because many have been in the past where you are today, and they've gotten through to a better place. I hope you can keep posting and sharing how you are feeling. Feeling like a fool is normal, but it isn't because you are a fool - it's because you were fooled by a very crafty specialist in fooling partners. I know it's devastating, but the first step on the path to recovering is recognizing what happened, and I think you are there now. Not promising it's all rosy, but there is life after abuse. Keep posting!
--- Steve
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Post by sarah on Feb 8, 2017 3:24:01 GMT
Steve-I have your book!!I would personally like to thank you for writing it and I have learnt alot from it too so yes-highly recommend it aswell.
In fact-although it's very much wayyyy too early for me to even consider another relationship,I did get asked out for a coffee last week and I was considering it-in my mind just to socialise a bit more-and just through text messaging with this person,there was some certain things this guy was saying that made my gut give me doubts and I was really taking notice of his views and how he came across..as the book says.I never went for that coffee nor am I in contact with him-he had jerk tendancies and I have'nt got the room for that in non-relationships either.Great book.
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 8, 2017 15:15:19 GMT
Aww Sara, no no no you are not a fool, you fell in love with someone who didn't exist just as we all have done, please don't do this to yourself xxx i am at work so will check in later xxx
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Post by sarah on Feb 8, 2017 23:48:12 GMT
I think your message xmas13 was meant for clarity..The only fool in my situation is the ex.Ha.
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
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Post by steve on Feb 9, 2017 0:06:26 GMT
I am so glad you found the book helpful! I sometimes worry how it will be perceived, but so far, anyone who knows abusers seems to have found it useful. I wish I could get the news to people who haven't yet met their first abuser, but it seems to be hard to break those social myths unless something drastic happens first!
Good for you for learning to listen to "the voice". It sounds like your gut instincts were right on!
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Post by sarah on Feb 9, 2017 0:32:20 GMT
Steve..I refer to your book as my "Bible".And I've mentioned it to the Support workers and the women I see at my weekly meeting.
It's also made me take a really good look at myself-it's wisened me up and I feel a much stronger person so thank you for writing it.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Feb 9, 2017 4:09:58 GMT
Hi Clarity, Welcome here, you are not a fool by any means. ABUSIVE people are incredibly skillful at getting what they want and have many tactics to use to get it. One very effective tactic is to make you think that you are different than the previous partner. I have fallen for that in my last 2 relationships. I truly believed I could love this guy better than his wife..a wife he abused for many years. Many times we don't have the truth. And even if we do..we talk ourselves into what we want to believe. We want to be loved, we want to find "the one" and we sometimes will do whatever it takes to have that...even work so hard to get a square peg to fit into a round hole.
They promise to change, to promise to never hurt us, they say we are so better than their ex..that they have never had a love like ours.
All tactics to get what they want..you and me devoted to them.
I know you feel like no one is out there to help you. You reached out here..we are here for you. And all the other sources mentioned..all great support for us!
May be time to walk out of those arms and back into your own life. Anything we can do Clarity, we will do!
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